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I'm sorry
Set boundaries....70 he needs his own place! This could go on for another 20 years and his attitude and expectations will get more demanding.
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Your selfish father is jeopardizing your mental health, at some point your physical health and your financial future.

PLEASE follow the advice of the wise posters here. It will be a sea change for you to accept that YOU are more important than your father (and you are). But you are still young! Can you make the necessary changes to take your life back? I hope so!
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Wait, he is calling you ungrateful? Is he serious? He is being ungrateful to you. You have given so much already.

Yes, he needs help. You have helped. There is a limit to what you can do. Talk to his doctor. Tell the doctor that you would like your father to be in skilled nursing.

Or ask his doctor to have a social worker return your call so you can discuss plans for your dad.
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This is ridiculous. Your father barely qualifies as a senior; he's certainly far too young just to accept being dependent on his child for all his needs. What are the underlying medical conditions that make him so severely disabled?

How was your father before your mother's cancer diagnosis?
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TELL DOCTOR HIS NEEDS EXCEED YOUR EXPERTISE...
EVALUATE DAD... WHAT IS WRONG PHYSICALLY WITH THIS MAN ??...

This, from a person, whose cousin is barely making it...
I am sorry... Tell doctor you do need extra help.. palliative care... He cannot walk, and you are exhausted.. Can health experts come to you, or Hospice..
Meals on Wheels can provide premade food for him...
appointments can be set up with palliative care.

Bathing... Moli-care bath wipes, the days, you cannot afford the energy.. Tell palliative care team, dad needs a man to help him wash himself... do they have a male nurse to help wash him a few times a week? It's too much for you to take care of everything...
P:ill boxes for meds... Set them up: morning.... noon, and evening... Have him help you write them down in a log, so both of you know..
Get him involved socially at botanical gardens, library. etc.. adult day care//
Salvation Army may be a good start..
Get another face for him to look at, have him start happy conversations with someone besides you.... HIre someone to come in once a week and walk him through Farmers Market,,, the grocery store,.. Get him back into life....
He lost his wife, and he is losing himself... Talk, to social services and let them know you need help for him.
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THE GUILT TRIP WASN'T THE VACATION I WAS THINKING ABOUT...
70 Years Old????? What's wrong with him? So get him to Adult Day Care,, And since your mom died... did he have a life threatening change? l
Shoot my friend is 72, and beat me up a gigantic walk yesterday afternoon.

Ask his doctor if there are any facilities or programs he can join for gyms or social activities or volunteers anywhere... SILVER SNEAKERS...
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disgustedtoo Feb 2020
Our mother lived alone until her early 90s. Dementia, refusal to consider moving anywhere and refusal to allow aides in to help forced our hand to finding a MC facility (even that had it's challenges.) She was even able to self-care and do the PT/rehab needed after surgery for torn rotator cuff in her 80s, at home alone.

My neighbor is over 70 and I've seen her in a culvert trying to dislodge blockages, in the winter even, she's been on the roof cleaning off lichen, and walks about 3 miles/day, etc.

Age isn't the deciding factor, and the issues listed don't sound like SNF at this point, but using his funds to cover aides during the day or using day care for now would allow OP to work full time. Some ALs offer respite care, so OP could at least get a break now and then and take a vacation! But social life will still be hampered with dad living there (or rather residing there.) OP does need to be allowed to have a life - I would seek advice from EC atty to see what, if anything, can be done to get him into his own place, with help or to AL where help is included. If income is low enough AND the state they reside in has Medicaid AL, look into that. IF not, see about some kind of senior housing - Medicaid often does provide a given amount of in-home care (not full time, but if he has enough income to pay for residence, utils, etc and more to cover additional help, that could be an option.

Stand your ground and make this his only options. Let his guilt trips fall flat on the floor. That's all they are, guilt trips, and you don't need that kind of vacation!!!
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Emotional blackmail at its worst, that's what your father is doing to you! How awful.

Give him the opportunity to go to an Assisted Living home or a Skilled Nursing Facility, depending upon his needs and financial situation. But let him know that YOUR care giving days are OVER. Period.

If that makes you 'ungrateful', then so be it. In reality, it makes you a sensible woman who needs to move on with her own life now. Enough is enough.

Not to mention, your father can live another TWO DECADES, too, which means your life would truly be over then! You really need to look at this realistically.......right? My mother is 93 and has fallen 41 times......and she's going strong. Falls don't necessarily equate to living a short life.

Wishing you the very best of luck taking your life back, my friend. You sure deserve to!
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Just for your info. When you finally collect SS they go back 35 years at that time. If you have worked continuously thats good. But lets say you need to stop to care for someone for 10 years. Your retire at 65, they go back 35 years, brings u to age 30. You took care of Dad from 30 to 40. So from 40 to 65 you only worked 25 years in the 35 years. So ur SS is based on 25 yrs of income.

So your Dad is effecting the ability for u to take care of yourself. Thats not fair. He is just thinking of himself.
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lealonnie1 Feb 2020
Joann is making a VERY good point here! What about YOUR retirement casaqueso?
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You are letting him manipulate you. This is the time in your life when you should be expanding your career and planning for your own retirement.

Just tell him that you can no longer care for him and that he will have to go into AL, or just move somewhere else. Do not let him lay false guilt on you, you have cared for him long enough, it is time for you to live your own life, not his.

Without a plan, you will continue to be hopeless, nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse, time for you to move forward on making your life better. Make your life about you, not him and his selfish requirements.

Trust me, he won't die if you start saying NO and exerting yourself to him, you are no longer a child, you are now his equal, approach your life as such. He could live another 20 years, my mother is 95, do you really want to put your life on hold waiting for him to die? Think about this scenario.

Good Luck and be strong!
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You should not be in this position for a multitude of reasons, the first of which is that these are your prime earning years and you need to be making money and providing for your financial future. It will require courage and strength on your part to make the changes that need to happen. Your dad is manipulating you with guilt, and it’s undeserved. Parents don’t have children in order to have a caregiver in their old age. Your dad is relatively young, he could live a long time, he needs to provide for his own future just as you do. I hope you’ll tell your dad that he can’t live with any longer (assuming it’s your house) and he needs to make other arrangements, you can help him in this. Don’t be baited into arguments or discussions over it, you’re an adult, you don’t owe others explanations and justification for what needs doing. This isn’t mean or cruel to your dad, it’s what is best for you both, he will get the care he needs and you will be able to build a future for yourself. A parent should always want their adult child to be successful and have a life.
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ExhaustedPiper Feb 2020
Great advice I would only add that if OP is living in dad's home to move out. Get back to full time work and let this 70 year old figure it out for himself.

OP- please don't live with your selfish manipulating father anymore. You do have some control here, Change YOUR living situation. It's in your power to either tell him to move if it's your house or you move out if it's his house.
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He is selfish and manipulative.

Tell him that you are ungrateful and you are done because a parent that loved you would never steal your life for their own. A loving parent raises their offspring up to fly, not be a personal servant.

He has obviously not taken care of himself to be so frail and feeble at 70 years old. His choices don't obligate you to sacrifice your life for his, he could live another 20+ years. Are you ready to give up your entire life for him?

You need to decide what you want and then take one step at a time to reach your goal.
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