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"Insignificant work horse." Uffff. That phrase hit home. I work full-time Mon-Fri + long crappy commute. Saturdays and Sundays are IT for me. Last December, I spent the last 2 Saturdays before Christmas at mom's house -- writing and addressing her Christmas cards (because she can't write.) She thanked me......but never once asked me if/when I was getting my Christmas cards out, getting my shopping/decorating/baking done, etc. Wow. That's not the mom I used to know. I have no idea if her outsized self-centeredness is controllable, or if that circuit in her brain is irreparably broken. Either way, this holiday season -- to the extent that I am able -- my household comes first. I will give mom ample (and kindly-worded) warning, so she can be resourceful. Or she can be a martyr. Her choice. As Windyridge says, I need to turn off my "give a damn."
I know all the things you are saying are right, GA. Sometimes I wish that others who are living with a parent would join the conversation, because living with the parent you are caring for has a different dynamic than living in separate places. You come to be the one seen by everyone as being the total support of the person -- like a parent is to a very willful child. You are left with two options -- stay or leave. There is a lot of compromising on things such as thermostat control, but there are some points (such as holidays) where compromise does not happen.
Jessie, I write this and hope that it will be received as someone who cares, not someone who's critical.
1. Find a day that suits YOU, even if you have to leave Mom overnight at brother's house.
2. Don't allow these kinds of issues to become stumbling blocks, in the "yes, but...." sense. Find an interim solution.
If traffic is bad on some days, choose a different day. Remember that these holidays are designated for specific days but that doesn't mean they can't be celebrated when it's workable for the parties involved.
Years ago a handsome young attorney with whom I had contact while working for an opposing law firm gave me a book to read: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. You don't have to be a Buddhist or motorcycle rider to read it- it's an exploration into dilemmas and how to solve them - life threatening and lesser dilemmas.
Basically the gist was that there are 2 horns of a dilemma - in this case, what your mother wants and all the ancillary issues, vs. what you want or prefer as well as those ancillary issues as well. The solution is not found on either "horn", but somewhere in between. In other words, a compromise.
But Mom has to compromise too; if she doesn't, neither should you.
So start looking for that area between the 2 horns of the Thanksgiving Day dilemma. Put on your thinking hat and ask yourself how you can make this work for both of you, making a checklist if you have to of what each of you can take and give, but your mother will have to compromise as well.
What I would really love is if he would say that he was coming to pick Mom up and he would take her somewhere. I would have to check h*ll that day, though, to make sure it didn't freeze over. :-)
Sounds wonderful to me. Trouble is my brother lives over an hour away and we have to take the interstates on the busiest travel day of the year. :-( That is another thing I don't like. City interstate driving during high traffic times is something that makes me nervous. Makes me wish I was back in rural Georgia, where you could drive forever without running into much anybody.
Jessie, I was going to ask the same question as Babalou did. There comes a time when a person just has to say something to the effect that there are 2 of you in the relationship; you've compromised, and she needs to as well. If she doesn't, well, that's her problem. Maybe she needs to think about another living arrangement. Let her pout, stomp her feet, and act like a 2 year old.
I've seen your posts change from someone confident about caregiving to someone beleaguered by a domineering woman. I've sensed more depression and sadness in your posts of the last few months.
As an anology, I see your needs and your mother's wants on each end of a see saw. Your end is continually being raised and kept that way by your mother's end which is inching toward the ground, where it can maintain maximum control. That's not a very good analogy, but this is how I see your situation changing - you're up in the air, being manipulated by her.
And we both know that Mom isn't going to relinquish that control until you stand up to her, and I mean REALLY stand up to her.
The issues she's fussing around are evidence of that; they're not issues of health care or survival; they're manipulative ones. So, my friend, Jessie, START TAKING CHARGE!
JessieB, what if you developed a sudden illness (stomach ailments or diarrhea ore hard to disprove) and just dropped your mother off at your brother's house and came back for her later, or even asked them to bring her home?
Holidays are a time I feel like a very insignificant work horse. My mother has a strange fixation on the son that lives an hour away. He pays very little attention to her, and he and I are pretty much polite strangers. Each holiday season she takes hard control of what we're going to do to spend time with him. If I would rather do something else, she gets very angry, saying "He's your brother." So every holiday is miserable for me, trying to recreate a family that never existed, with a mother who is very angry. This year she is already angry that we're doing Thanksgiving on a Friday, because she took it to mean she wasn't important enough to him to merit Thursday. We'll spend that Friday afternoon with his church family on the other side, who are so different from me. And there are children. Lots and lots of children who aren't related to us in any way. Then Mom wants to go home 2 hours after we get there. She's mad because my brother and SIL didn't pay any attention to her. And that's how our Thanksgiving goes.
Someone asked me the other day why I let someone with dementia call the shots. That is a very good question. Holidays should be happy, not miserable. I have tried different things to make holidays better, but the bottom line is that if she doesn't get her way, then she is not happy. And if Ma isn't happy, ain't no one happy.
Jude, well written, and good points. The desire for religious freedoms that inspired people to emigrate to America, and well as fight for those freedoms in England and elsewhere, should be respected but not abused.
Not everyone needs religion, and that also needs to be respected.
I feel strongly that preaching religion shouldn't be a part of any nondenominational forum.
Not to put a damper on things Friesen but my mother and I don't share a religion - in fact i don't consider myself to have one - that said I love carols especially oh Holy night. I don't go to church and wont go into church with Mum although I do take her there or make sure someone else takes her (it's just not my thing and would be quite frankly hypocritical). It's my one and a half hours of freedom a week - sorry I cherish it as it is the one time I can get into Mums room to clean it thoroughly.
I think I am a good citizen, and underneath all the bitterness a good person inside and for me that is enough. I stand up for what is right. I don't tolerate fools, liars or bigots and I have a wonderful family. I can't ask for more.
Christmas is a time of celebrating the birth of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. Why not make it special? Enjoy time in church, worshipping our Lord. Giving thanks at the Thanksgiving Service at a Bible believing church. All can help during this time of challenge. HE did not get caught by surprize that each caregiver was going to have a challenge so Thank HIM for what you do have. I didn't say it would be easy, just being with friends will hopefully encourage each of you and I. I love to tell the story of Jesus and HIS love.
Well I am going to put up a Christmas tree - a real one I am going to decorate it and put lights on it I am going to wrap presents and place them under the tree I am going to put Christmas decorations up everywhere I am going to cook and bake and do all the wonderful things I am going to go to the carol service I am LYING
I agree freqtflyer, Windyridge, JeanetteB, NYDaughterinLaw, We used to go out for the holiday meal and get together, but dad's too frail and we feel bad leaving him home. Take out and pot luck is still a lot of work for already exhausted caregivers like us. I'm organizing it on Friday because the college age grandkids are coming into town and I want to make a nice gathering for everyone. It is a lot of work.
Volunteer at a local soup kitchen. Volunteer getting food baskets together. Attend a holiday concert. Order carolers for yourself. Simplify as much as you need to. Turn off the TV. Don't go shopping. Start a new tradition that makes you feel the JOY of the season.
With less enthusiasm than ever. But still, I try to minimize my "blech" when talking to others. The world will do just fine without a steady stream of The Truth According To Me. When I find myself veering toward grumpiness, I try to hone in on the individual elements that never let me down: fresh cranberries, pumpkin pie, pine scent, holiday displays and lights, giant public Christmas trees, access to yummy baked goods. I also make an extra effort not to be Scrooge-tastic at home with my dear partner. It's not his fault that I burned myself out working retail for decades and our relatives are so challenging. So I try to pick and choose my rants. (The upside is that he's no Pollyanna, either. Sooner or later, he'll pop out with some miserable thing that I was already thinking! Then we have a good laugh and get back to life as we know it.)
I guess I shouldn't be such a grinch. I do enjoy dinner with friends. Also, we quit gift giving years ago. Take the bucks we used to spend on crap no one really needs and now give it to some local charities. But don't think I can stand the news stories about people camping out in front of Walmart so they can be the first one in the door to get the $39, made in China TV set.
In the past I use to have the grocery store cook the whole dinner, refrigerate it, and I would pick it up to re-heat. It was still tiresome as I also had to get the house cleaned, dust off the good china, get holiday designed napkins, buy the wine, etc. Plus I was no Martha Stewart and even re-heating food was a challenge :P I was the one stressing and not enjoying the day at all.
This year my Mom is in a nursing home, and my Dad has Caregivers, I told the agency I need people for Thanksgiving Day even though it was time & a half. Dad's day time Caregiver asked if it was ok to take Dad to Cracker Barrel for Thanksgiving dinner as the place was offering discounts to seniors and she would take Dad at 4:00 p.m. Sounded great :) Whew, what a relief.
I use to plan Thanksgiving dinner for the Sunday before Thanksgiving as my sig other has always worked Thanksgiving as national security doesn't stop for the holidays. And I usually do volunteer work at the local regional hospital, and the cafeteria would give the employees and volunteers free Thanksgiving meals.
Even on the Sunday prior, I had to plan the meal around the darn football games, trying to get everything ready during half-time, tell that to the turkey. I got very little help, as my sig-other and both my parents were glued to the games. I don't do football.
When the holidays are near, I start to plan my donation to the community toy drive. A local networking group holds a Holiday lunch so I always make plans to go. By focusing on these events, fit helps get me through the season. There are so many things that need to be done (at this time of year) it makes sense to consider helping out.
How you handle the holidays depends on your unique situation and expectations. If the whole clan usually got together at your place and you think that is what you HAVE to do you will be in misery, if everyone is flexible you can plan get togethers around pot luck or take out meals and pick any day or time that works for you, or insist on short visits and forego the feast altogether. I've gotten used to spending Christmas alone with my mom, its just another day.
BAH HUMBUG! Just want to get through it and be done with it. Fortunately my elderly parents are not big on the whole commercial mess that has become x mas so I don't have to do much.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You'll deal with Mom's wishes and feel better from it..
1. Find a day that suits YOU, even if you have to leave Mom overnight at brother's house.
2. Don't allow these kinds of issues to become stumbling blocks, in the "yes, but...." sense. Find an interim solution.
If traffic is bad on some days, choose a different day. Remember that these holidays are designated for specific days but that doesn't mean they can't be celebrated when it's workable for the parties involved.
Years ago a handsome young attorney with whom I had contact while working for an opposing law firm gave me a book to read: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. You don't have to be a Buddhist or motorcycle rider to read it- it's an exploration into dilemmas and how to solve them - life threatening and lesser dilemmas.
Basically the gist was that there are 2 horns of a dilemma - in this case, what your mother wants and all the ancillary issues, vs. what you want or prefer as well as those ancillary issues as well. The solution is not found on either "horn", but somewhere in between. In other words, a compromise.
But Mom has to compromise too; if she doesn't, neither should you.
So start looking for that area between the 2 horns of the Thanksgiving Day dilemma. Put on your thinking hat and ask yourself how you can make this work for both of you, making a checklist if you have to of what each of you can take and give, but your mother will have to compromise as well.
I've seen your posts change from someone confident about caregiving to someone beleaguered by a domineering woman. I've sensed more depression and sadness in your posts of the last few months.
As an anology, I see your needs and your mother's wants on each end of a see saw. Your end is continually being raised and kept that way by your mother's end which is inching toward the ground, where it can maintain maximum control. That's not a very good analogy, but this is how I see your situation changing - you're up in the air, being manipulated by her.
And we both know that Mom isn't going to relinquish that control until you stand up to her, and I mean REALLY stand up to her.
The issues she's fussing around are evidence of that; they're not issues of health care or survival; they're manipulative ones. So, my friend, Jessie, START TAKING CHARGE!
Someone asked me the other day why I let someone with dementia call the shots. That is a very good question. Holidays should be happy, not miserable. I have tried different things to make holidays better, but the bottom line is that if she doesn't get her way, then she is not happy. And if Ma isn't happy, ain't no one happy.
Not everyone needs religion, and that also needs to be respected.
I feel strongly that preaching religion shouldn't be a part of any nondenominational forum.
I think I am a good citizen, and underneath all the bitterness a good person inside and for me that is enough. I stand up for what is right. I don't tolerate fools, liars or bigots and I have a wonderful family. I can't ask for more.
I am going to decorate it and put lights on it
I am going to wrap presents and place them under the tree
I am going to put Christmas decorations up everywhere
I am going to cook and bake and do all the wonderful things
I am going to go to the carol service
I am LYING
home. Take out and pot luck is still a lot of work for already exhausted caregivers like us. I'm organizing it on Friday because the college age grandkids are coming into town and I want to make a nice gathering for everyone. It is a lot of work.
Volunteer getting food baskets together.
Attend a holiday concert.
Order carolers for yourself.
Simplify as much as you need to.
Turn off the TV.
Don't go shopping.
Start a new tradition that makes you feel the JOY of the season.
This year my Mom is in a nursing home, and my Dad has Caregivers, I told the agency I need people for Thanksgiving Day even though it was time & a half. Dad's day time Caregiver asked if it was ok to take Dad to Cracker Barrel for Thanksgiving dinner as the place was offering discounts to seniors and she would take Dad at 4:00 p.m. Sounded great :) Whew, what a relief.
I use to plan Thanksgiving dinner for the Sunday before Thanksgiving as my sig other has always worked Thanksgiving as national security doesn't stop for the holidays. And I usually do volunteer work at the local regional hospital, and the cafeteria would give the employees and volunteers free Thanksgiving meals.
Even on the Sunday prior, I had to plan the meal around the darn football games, trying to get everything ready during half-time, tell that to the turkey. I got very little help, as my sig-other and both my parents were glued to the games. I don't do football.
Soup bones for the dogs, Papa Murphy's take n bake (love at 425) for me...
I too was used to Christmas/Thanksgiving/hell pick a day, alone with my mother, now I'm just alone so, guess nothing new
Maybe one day life will be different...
Just do what makes you and your loved one happy, for now, that is all that matters.
Come to think of it, now that she's gone, we do the same thing.
No guilt either!
If the whole clan usually got together at your place and you think that is what you HAVE to do you will be in misery, if everyone is flexible you can plan get togethers around pot luck or take out meals and pick any day or time that works for you, or insist on short visits and forego the feast altogether.
I've gotten used to spending Christmas alone with my mom, its just another day.