I am an only child and the only family living near my mom. My mother is 75 and my dad passed away in 2017. When he passed, my husband and I stepped in to help when needed.
Mom was capable of taking care of herself back then, but started having a lot of falls and hits to the head. She ended up with a subdural hematoma and had burr holes drilled. She did not get better initially and we were told they had no idea why she was not responding to anything and said hospice was the next step (I’m trying to make a long story short so I’ve left out some things). We had her moved from the hospital to a nursing home. She was basically catatonic and did not seem to recognize us and she didn’t talk. Somehow, that hour long ride from the hospital to nursing home “woke her up” and over a few months' time was ready to go to independent living. After awhile she moved into her own home and did great for a couple of years.
However, over time, we started doing more and more things for her because she is unable. March of 2024 she stopped driving all together. I now have to do her grocery shopping, errands, make and take her to doctor appointments.
We are her only source of socialization. She’s at home alone (with her 2 little dogs) and does nothing but watch tv and stay in her house. Last summer she fell while trying to sit on the toilet and dislocated her shoulder, went to the hospital and then a nursing home for about 2 months. We took her back home and 5 weeks later she fell again and broke the tank on the toilet and flooded the house. Back we went to the hospital for tests, etc. and then back to nursing home, where she has been since Oct. 31st.
They gave her the BIMS test and she scored a 9 the first time and they just recently did another one and she scored a 13, which is pretty good. We spoke to the PT, etc. and told them she’s really nagging to go home, however, they said they do not recommend her going home. Assisted living is really where she needs to be. She’s lied to me about having falls at home, she’s forgotten to take meds, sometimes she doesn’t want to shower (worried about falls — she has a shower chair).
We don’t want her to go home because she is suffocating me. I NEVER wanted to be her caretaker! There is no help and no relief. We’ve had 2 bad arguments about her going home and I have to go see her again today and I’m absolutely filled with dread. It has gotten to where I hate my life. I’ve wished ill health or a bad accident on myself so I don’t have to be responsible for her anymore.
Any advice on how to talk to her and/or what to do? She says she feels she’s lost me, but that’s because our relationship is suffering because I’m forced to be her everything.