My 87 year old mother lives with my husband and me. About 2 years ago she was diagnosed with osteo-arthritis. Since then it's been down hill. Growing up she was a good Mom, catered to me, even spoiled me. We were very close. But now, I hate to say this, but I don't know this woman and the loving Mom I had is gone. She is self centered, self absorbed, uncooperative and entitled.
Dementia is not an issue at the moment (she was tested). Granted she may be undermedicated for pain, but her Dr. is hesitant to prescribe arthritis medications due to her kidney function. So he recommended OTC meds, which don't really help a great deal.
Anyway, I understand she's in pain but my husband and I have done everything we can think of to make her life easier. We've bought her shower chairs, a new bed, pillows, blankets, a transport chair, a walker, a freezer (she will only eat Schwanns) and yet she finds fault with all of it, "The pillows are too hard, the blankets are too scratchy, the shower chair isn't comfortable..." etc.
The final straw was yesterday. We took her to a podiatry appt. We put her in the transport chair, thinking it would be easier to wheel her out of our apartment to the car. As soon as we got out in the hallway, she starts screeching and crying. Granted the med supply company forgot to give us the foot rests, so I understand she was initially upset. I suggested she lift her feet. Instead she continued to screech until I went and got her walker. Walked her to the car, she needed assistance getting her legs again, more screeching. At this point my husband and I are thinking "Great! The neighbors are going to think we're beating the crap out of her."
After the appointment she came home and got on the phone with a friend and was laughing and having a great conversation. She had no remorse or apologies for the way she acted going to the appt.
My husband and I were miserable all night. We were both mentally drained and really didn't interact with her (except to give her dinner) for the rest of the night. Once she was in bed, we were able to relax.
The thing is, we have sacrificed time, energy and quite possibly our marriage and she couldn't care less. We haven't gone on a trip or even out of town for a day trip for over 2 years. We are stuck at home with an ungrateful woman.
As you can see, we're both spent, emotionally, physically and mentally. We've had the VNA come, but even they couldn't deal with her.
I just needed to vent. It's been a tough two years and an even tougher 24 hours. Not sure how much more we can take or how much more my marriage can take.
1 - Referral to a pain specialist - a doctor that specializes in managing pain to get your mom's pain under control.
2 - Get your mom a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist. Seems she has anxiety and "a bit" of control issues. Medications can help with this.
3- If neither of these help, consider if having mom live with you is worth the loss of your sanity. Consider other housing options for her.
You describe her as a great mother who doted on you. What advice would that mother give you today? Do you think you can still reach that mother if you try? Because sometimes we get so caught up in the frustrations, vulnerabilities and pain of the current situation we can actually forget who we are and what we want for those we love.
Alternatively, if you have not been straight with your Mom about how you and your husband view her behavior or about the actual impact it is having on you, then now would seem to be a good time.
I also second (or third -- lots of folks seems to suggest the same) the idea of not simply taking "no pain medication" for an answer. You might ask for a referral to a pain management clinic for you mother. After years of suffering from chronic pain myself and seeing specialist after specialist with no improvement, my osteopath finally referred me to one -- and they performed a procedure today that was nearly painless and will leave me pain free for the foreseeable future. Standard pain medication is not the only solution to pain management.
I also wonder if a 2nd opinion is in order with regards to her cognitive health. The changes you've described sound extreme and unlike the person you've always known.
Hang in there. I hope your marriage survives this. You sound like a great family going through a terrible crisis.
How she raised you is of no consequence at this stage
of her life or yours. If you have a marriage that you value,
get a life with your spouse & make some hard decisions.
If this living arrangement has just been for 2-years, get
a good Home Health Agency involved which has all the
experience in dealing with “situations” such as the one
you are stuck in! Let mom know this is the step you are
taking, before giving her an ultimatum of arranging other
24/7 living arrangements for her. Home Health Agencies
have caregivers who are trained in dealing with these kind
of aging issues and may need to try a variety of caregivers
before one works well with her. Best of luck to you in this
process AND in saving both your sanity AND marriage!!!
I explained to my mom that the only way we could be adult to adult during difficult times was to speak to each other adult to adult, therefore I use her given name and nicknames until we were back on a parent child plain.
It worked!!!!
I would also remind your mother that she is behaving in the manner of a child whom she catered and spoiled, however, you, your husband and she are Now adults and deserve the respect and consideration of your adulthood.
Also, FIND another doctor -- no one deserves to be in pain but then again there are many who find a hangnail painful and take to their beds for days moaning.
Finding a doctor who specializes in arthritis and as well as pain is a must. PCP are too overwhelmed to go beyond the standard practice no matter how much you love them. Also, I hope you are present during these appointments to let the PCP know what is going on and the effects of poor pain management has on your well being as well as hers.
I attended most visits with my mom and now I attend the visits with my sister to her PCP and specialists. I often review her patient portals to insure her medications are up to date on all portals, as well as medical issues. Don't forget that OTC meds MUST be listed all vitamins, minerals, and heralded cure alls.
If the data is missing from one of the doctors how can she be treated properly.
First of all, see if you can find a holistic doctor in your state. If your state does not support medical marijuana, then get a second opinion from a different state or an educational hospital in your state. If that is too hard to find, see if you can find a doctor that specializes in pain or sports medicine, depending upon where her arthritis is. You want a doctor, someone who can prescribe drugs. Go for quality, not whomever is first available.
Until you can get the doctor to see her, stop being embarrassed by what she says or does. Make a joke about it (dark humor). Anyone looking at your situation will feel sorry for you....like having a 2 year old that has a temper tantrum at the grocery store; Mother is embarrassed and tries to joke about it, kid doesn't care and everyone feels sorry for the Mother.
Next, realize that the pain is very real for your mother. In addition, because of our complex nervous system, a pain in one spot, say the leg, could really be due to a problem in the lower spine. If your doctor has not ordered xrays, get xrays done. Read what the findings are. You need to understand the diagnosis. If needed, arrange for PT. I have found that PT are the most effective at discussing and getting me to understand pain that is muscle or nerve related.
My personal experience with pain is that under intense pain, I cannot listen, I cannot feel comfortable, I cannot read, I have no patience...in other words, I'm not suitable for human companionship. Lessen the pain, and at least I have a little bit of patience to do what is needed. I do feel sorry for all the drivers on the road when I'm in pain and headed to a doctor's appointment. And yes, I probably do have those mood swings because I'm trying to calm myself down and forget the pain I'm in.
When I was finally told that my mother had severe arthritis (the doctors assumed we both knew...we didn't), I realized that my mother was addicted to prescription pain killers. My Mom is otherwise healthy other than the pain and dementia. Without going into specifics, the cocktail she is on right now is: Tylenol OTC, Alleve OTC, and CDB derived from hemp. The CBD is systemic, therefore, it takes about a month to actually see the results. She needs all 3. If the dosage of 1 is reduced, she can tell within 4 days. The pain is not gone, it is manageable. Everything is in pill form. It was a little bit of a stroke of luck because now that she is in MC, they are able to administer the correct dosage because it is a pill. Some people use the CBD with THC. In my case, if we did anything with THC, our chances of getting her into managed care was nil, even with a doctor's permission. I suspect this situation varies by state.
When the pain became manageable, her mood swings decreased, however, it became very evident that she was suffering from dementia.
I would suggest you try and see if you can get a second opinion or get a pain management specialist to see her. Her pain is real and it is up to you to solve the puzzle to get her pain under control. There is no "silver bullet".
My prayers are with you.
It sounds like she has turned into a child like state. It is common with the elderly. I believe you and your husband are catering to her(inadvertently) which may be creating more of a brat. Not that you are doing it on purpose of course. But some elderly realize they have a captive audience, then turn you into their personal servants.
I have had this happen working in the hospital. I was told this was on me. I'd get in trouble for not managing my time correctly. I had elderly try to get me to be their personal servant, and throw tantrums. So you are not alone.
You are going to have to extinguish the brat behavior. I don't know if the arthritis effects all her joints or she didn't like her feet dangling. But by screaming, she got you to stop and do things another way and cater to her. If you didn't the screaming would get louder. She survived. It wasnt the end of the world. And you now have the foot pedals. So she lived, everybody lived thru that and life moves on.
Your going to have to treat her like a 4 year old having a tantrum. Walk away, ignore the tantrum and quietly say that you will deal with her when she acts appropriately. If your in the middle of something, and she screams ignore her. Keep going. If people come out, they will see she is fine, if you act calm and are ignoring it. If you think you need help look up how to deal with tantrums. And use those suggestions every time without fail. You need to extinguish that behavior. I'm sure there are more ideas online, than what I am mentioning.
It will take tough love. You are not being mean. You are setting boundries. She no longer gets her way. Sometimes things need to get done. Your not taking an hour to do it.
But if you continue down this road, next time she might curse you out, scream louder to make sure neighbors come running, urinate on herself, or fling herself. You have to be the parent here and set limits. She has realized she no longer has the upper hand, and can no longer get you to turn inside out to appease her.
Do not feel guilty. There is nothing wrong setting limits of what behavior you will tolerate. If someone was screaming at me, they would be screaming in an empty room. I bet they would stop, bc there is no audience.
If she ever starts screaming again walk away. Tell her you will deal with it when she is done. If someone comes running to see what is wrong, tell them she is fine and throwing a tantrum. And your waiting till she calms down. She's fine. I would also tell her if she is in the wheel chair she better not fling herself out of it, bc then you will have to call an ambulance to check her out. Then she will stay in the hospital and is not coming home. Period. She hasn't done that yet so you are lucky.
You could tell her next time she is in the wheel chair if she continues to scream you are taking her to the hospital to be checked out. Then she will travel on to a nursing home and isn't coming home. Say it in a low matter of fact voice.
You are not being mean, but are establishing rules where you will not cater 24/7 to her tantrums. Good luck.
N
Not long after, I hired someone from the local church (a retired woman who needed a little extra in her pocket). She was close by, and would come in and drink coffee and talk to him.
That's what I would recommend (aside from speaking softly). Seriously, I'm a behavior therapist, and when you speak low and maybe even stand there (AND DO NOT MOVE) until she calms, it works. It works for 6 year old's. lol
Otherwise, you've gotten some good advice here.
One more thing...have your doctor recommend a Neurologist. A neurologist can get a look at the brain, and those pictures don't lie. It reveals parts of the brain and whether there are deficits in certain areas.
Honestly, I would move her to AL, my mother is there and she is the Big Kahuna, loves it when talking to the staff, at activities, hates it when she talks to us.
All a game, that I am not playing anymore.
I understand and empathize!
Maybe it's time to think about getting both you and your husband and your Mom a little independence and space. Sounds like she may not be a good fit for the independent living stage if her pain can't be managed by OTC or prescription meds (and most places have incredibly long waitlists since they are few and far between) so you may want to look at AL (preferably those with MCs attached just in case it is needed down the road) (and make up your minds that the pillows, blankets and whatever are probably not going to be to her liking wherever she is). In NJ there are a few ALs and MC who accept Medicaid but the number of beds is quite limited. Since she is still competent, make sure she has the VIPs (very important documents) - Will, DPoA and Health Care proxy all lined up and current. Then you might want to say something along the lines of "Mom, it's obvious that you are not happy here. How about we think about a way to get you your own place, somewhere close, where you can get the pillows, blankets, etc. that you really like and do the things that are important to you? You can even have your friends over and chat on the phone as late as your like." She is going to be shocked, then angry and maybe a "nice" person ........for a whole hour but if you want to save your own sanity not to mention your marriage it is time to cut the strings, and everyone retire to their own living space.
I have to admit it is sometimes painful for people to lift their legs in a wheelchair depending on what their problem is, but I don't get the feeling that you were really concerned with what the neighbors think (unless they are the type that wants to call APS for elder abuse every time she screams), I think you are tired beyond belief and the screaming issue just pushed you over the edge.
I wish you strength and peace on this difficult journey. Please keep us updated.
Often times they cooperate better with someone they don’t know therefore, consider hiring someone to take her on appointments. And when push comes to shove consider NH or AL. If you don’t make some crucial changes your marriage will continue to suffer. Allow your manta to be .. I may not be able to change you but, I can change me! Whether it be physically, financially or mentally etc…. we are sometimes our own worst enemy until we’re ready to change that “ something” that will restore our peace.
It’s heartbreaking realizing our parents who were once caring and supportive toward us are now quite the opposite, just as their physical appearance and mental capacity changes we must do what we can for them (because of love). Just know it may be in a totally different way than what we perceived.
Wishing you a positive outcome💕
all of you.
What we've learned, is that he may not be mentally capable of seeing what he's doing and understanding why it's wrong or how to fix it. He had a stroke 20 tears ago and has had several brain surgeries. It doesn't dawn on him that maybe he's talking too much to one person or that parents may not want a grown man fawning over their child. Common sense and social cues are way over his head, so he does things like run the dryer with nothing in it. Your mom may have lost at least some capacity to have empathy for others or acknowledge how her actions affect you. Unfortunately, it's either something you learn to live with or it may be a situation where you can no longer handle her in your home.
With that goes behavior, reasoning, memory, balance, and mobility. My parents are thoughtful people who thank me constantly for what I've done for them. But they won't do what they need to do to keep themselves healthy and they've lost most of their possessions and their freedom from their age.
I know they are frustrated with the aging process. It sounds like your Mom is too. But you can't run her life. She has to do what she's going to do. You can reassure her. Know that she's probably scared. You can go anywhere you want within your means. She can't without help. Put yourself in her shoes. But also create boundaries and live your life.
The reality is that she's 87 years old and has made it through a whole life. Get used to get behavior. Your goals are to provide the basics.
If she's screeching, just stop what you're doing, address the situation, pat her on the shoulder, and get her the foot rests. Remember for next time. If you're worried about what some else thinks, if it were me, I'd tell who ever it is to mind their own business.
I had a physical therapist come in and tell my Mom and Dad to remove the foot rests so Mom could deliberately hold her feet up and build strength in her legs. That's great, but if Mom was dead set against it, then she gets the footrests.
Set your Mom up with a living environment that best takes of her needs based on what you're capable of. And take of yourself. If you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of her.
Don't expect an apology from her. She's NOT the person she was 50 years ago. Not totally. It's normal. She knows your helping her. Outside of all this, or, to wrap this up, when it's too stressful, put her somewhere safe and walk away for awhile to gather your thoughts and recoup.
I'm writing a book, that began as a column in the newspaper, called, "Out of the Ozone". I began writing for the local newspaper, and much of what is in the book comes from there. When caregiver overload began taking its toll, I wrote one article called, "Breaking Bad: when caregivers overdo it and what to do about it".
Your mom sounds like my dad; great sense of humor. Even when he was in the last stages and we were having to wheel him to the bathroom and ask if he needed to go one or two, on one trip, he stopped, considered it, and said, "Well, I could probably drop a few kids off at the pool". LOL
i am an 87 year old who refuses to live with my daughter because she has bern disrespectful and threatening to me since she was 21. I would rather die than go to live with her. Do your mom a favor, and get her into an assisted living, and pay someone to do what you find distasteful. There is probably government help available. She doesn’t need to be at the mercy of someone who is miserable.
I would sit her down and tell her this isn't working and she's going to have to find another situation. You can help her find one, but give her a deadline (soon). Then move her in, visit when you can, and save your marriage.
Good luck!
Also, if she is doing fairly well, could she make it in a subsidized senior apartment? Just a thought. Also, perhaps your county dept on aging could be a good resource on other potential funding for housing.
since VNA was involved before, could you have them send an OT and a social worker? The OTs often have amazing ideas about devises to maintain independence and provide comfort.