How to get my mother out of her room?
My mother recently moved into AL. She has yet to eat in the dining room, and it's been literally 2 months. She has any and every excuse, from not feeling well to being contagious, from not feeling like getting dressed to being full from the previous meal. The staff, of course, bring the meals to her room, and then she complains about the food. I have told her that if she goes to the dining room, she can choose the alternate, but if they bring her food, she gets what they pick. That has fallen on (literally) deaf ears. Finally, she tells me she has diarrhea and can't go to the dining room, but she wants me to take her out to lunch. (UGH!) So frustrating.
Any advice on how to motivate her to socialize with the residents? Driving me nuts, as she feels it's my responsibility to entertain her.
(She's been that way all of my life, relying on me and my life, which is a whole 'nother topic. Or better, therapy for me, haha! I don't look forward to the day she finds out that she has to be in a double room to get Medicaid. We are not made of money.)
I'm of a mind to stop visiting altogether until she starts participating.
Signed--Only Child who would like to get on with her Only Life, which was the point of AL.
All you have really done is change her accommodation (pretty expensive motel...). These places should already have activity coordinators that bring residents together to develop familiarity and ultimately friendships (consolidated in the dining room as each comes to rely on the other). Your visits, although supportive and well intentioned, may be inadvertently breaking down this natural process.
As per your request... Therapy for you:-
Never think for one second that people with dementia lack intelligence. Many years of life experience, combined with the willingness of their children to be readily exploited, can be a potent mix of guilt and manipulation - hey, you might even be thinking all of this is what you chose to do!
Stop enabling your mother. Treat her gently and with respect, but understand that beneath that frail exterior, there lies a veritable factory of scheming and plotting to get their own way.
Do you consider yourself indispensable? Your mother may only see you as a resource in her present condition. Pass on the baton of responsibility as you have facilitated, and enjoy her company in moderation - for your own rehabilitation/transition to living a normal life.
Your mom is allowed to refuse to socialize. You may need to let her be.
Eventually, she may like a roommate. Even if you have a roommate, they may not be in the room much. Once in MC, my LO spent most of her time wheeling around, sitting in tv room, etc, She did like most of her roommates quite a bit. As she progresses, her reaction might surprise you.
I wouldn’t stop visiting though. Just reassure her she’s fine and support her with her choices. Often, people with dementia know things aren’t right in their mind and they need that support from someone they trust. I’d keep in mind what you tell her may be forgotten each day, so each time it’s like the first time she’s heard it.
You don’t have to stop visiting altogether unless you want to, but cut back to short visits every other day or so.
Absolutely true that she has to accept those who are helping her where she lives.
Her roommate, when she arrives, may temporarily change the dynamic she’s established for herself, but YOU should not be paying for her anyway, and a roommate’s activity may be helpful to her.
If you’ve chosen a nice place for her, and her helpers seem kind and interested in her, back up a little and let them become part of her life.
You can strike up conversation with adjacent tables and introduce her.
She might end up liking it once you “break the ice,” since she depends on you so much.
My mother did that until I dined with her and she connected with others.
They think everyone is “a senior” except themselves.
See All Answers