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Hi!
The backstory to save time later:
My husband and I (and to some extent, his younger brother) are the primary caregivers for his almost 87 year old mother.
She still lives on her own, makes all her own decisions, etc. The younger brother lives in the basement, but sadly doesn't engage more than he needs to.
So, my husband and I spend more time with her, help her with things she needs, etc. And she's a LOVELY human... I really lucked out in the mother-in-law area.
She never had a very big world. She was a stay-at-home mom, and, from what I've learned over the years, a very traditional and somewhat submissive wife to her husbands (my husband's father, and then a second husband - both long dead). Even once the kids were grown she pretty much took care of her husband/the house, babysat her grands every day, and knitted, She went out once/week to bowl, grocery shop, and go to the bank if banking needed to be done. That was pretty much her life.
And when the bowling league left the area, her world got smaller. And when she surrendered her keys, it got smaller again (not in where she WOULD go, but in that she COULD go on her own if she wanted to).
She patently refused to learn to use tech, so her world is even smaller. I handle anything she needs (making deposits to her bank accounts, paying bills online, etc) because she doesn't want to go in person, and I honestly don't want to have to schlep her around for things I can do online.
Now, she really doesn't want to go anywhere out unless she has to. Her life outside the house includes doc visits and bi-monthly pedicures to keep her feet healthy. She won't go out to lunch or dinner. She won't take a day trip with us. She really just wants to sit and watch TV, and engage with people if/when they visit her.
And all of that is what it is, but here's the question I need help with.
She wears hearing aids, but they don't seem especially good, and that's even more true when she has to talk on the phone. She won't consider getting better ones. But that means she has a hard time on calls. Speaker phones are worse for her.
Recently, one of her CD matured. She needed to talk to the bank to figure out what she wanted to do with the money. That was something we could do by phone, so I went over to her house to facilitate that.
I called the bank, and Elton asked to talk to Mom to make sure he could talk to me. All he asked her was her name and her birth date, but she clearly had a hard time understanding him. All of this was harder for her, too, because he had an accent.
We got through it, but I can see the day coming when even doing that will be impossible for her.
Do any of you have experience with this?
Whether it's the bank, or the county, or Social Security, or anything else, what's the best way to navigate helping her communicate when she is the one in charge of her own life?
One more note - her life is well set up legally. My husband has limited power, and could do things like talk to the bank, but she doesn't want him to, because she wants to do it.
And as small as her life is, I really don't want to make it smaller if I can figure out how not to.
Thanks for anything you can share that's helpful.

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When I was still in healthcare, I noticed that many seniors at home Were perfectly happy to snuggle up by the TV with their snacks. I have a sneaky suspicion that's how I'm going to be because I'm already like that. I like to go out once in awhile the spirit moves me but I also enjoy my own company. There's nothing wrong with that. Just make sure that she gets visitors once in awhile to engage with on her terms.
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Reply to Hrmgrandcna
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I'm 89 and can relate in some ways. To put it succinctly, everything is just harder now than it was when I was younger. That includes such basics as walking, lifting/bending/carrying, reaching items on top shelves in the store, hearing/comprehension (I have good hearing aids) and just keeping up with things in general. I'm very different now than I was 15--or even 5--years ago (I was still working 30 hours/week 12 years ago). And the differences are not what I would have chosen although I'm grateful that I can still manage at all. By way of background, I'm a lifelong introvert so have never needed a lot of socializing.

I've become mostly a homebody which is somewhat of a change for me. I used to volunteer. I went out shopping and walked 1-2 miles/daily until about 2 years ago. I still go to the grocery store 2X/week, sometimes more. I will definitely miss being able to drive when/if that happens, even though we (me and my 96 Y/O spouse) have a lot of essentials delivered which is a huge help. I use tech daily although I'm not great with cellphones and all the "apps".

As long as I can continue without becoming a burden, I will. However, I definitely understand how the world of an old person shrinks. Mine has, mostly due to encroaching physical limitations and chronic pain.
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Reply to ElizabethAR37
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My mom is 80 and very similar. Gave up driving, has almost zero social contact except for my 3X per week visits, almost never leaves her house, doesn’t seem to care. She does use her computer for email and games and web surfing, and her hearing is good enough to answer those questions on the phone. But she hates and fears and never goes to the doctor.

I worry about it sometimes, like when I have to go out of town. I used to worry about it more. But now for the most part, I remind myself — her life, her choices.
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Reply to Suzy23
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Have you looked into the CapTel or any of the other "caption" phones?
They have a screen that your MIL can read what is spoken to her.
She responds just like a normal phone.
As far as I know these phones and the service are free for those that qualify for the service.
the qualifications are...
Have hearing loss
Live in the USA
Read and speak English
Have internet service
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You're right. The day will come when doing simple tasks over the phone will be impossible. Her options will be to invest in better hearing aids, invest in one of those phones that prints a transcript of the conversation in real time, or to let her son manage her banking affairs. That is why she gave him the legal power.
Her world is getting smaller, and it doesn't seem to bother her. It's only bothering you because you have a different life perspective.
She is getting older, and everything is going to become more difficult for her. She will probably adapt. It sounds like she has a great support network.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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One reason she might be isolating is because she can't hear. Not being able to follow conversations is aggravating. My husbands hearing loss was caused by an accident at 3. So he is able to read lips. He does well one on one but not at a table full of people. How well she hears with a hearing aid will depend on how much hearing she has lost.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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There are audiologists who will visit her in her home. Look for one. A good pair of hearing aids will enhance her life so much! Also, they can pair with a cell phone so that the conversation arrives in her ear at the right volume via the hearing aids. But alas, she won't avail herself of modern technology (sigh).

She may be nice and all that, but she's shooting herself in the foot by refusing to use technology. That refusal is making a huge and growing problem for you and husband. It isn't nice to burden others. But you're accepting it, so that's great for her. If you didn't, what would happen to her? I wonder.

Hearing loss is definitely a great contributor to cognitive decline, a/k/a dementia. Does she know that? Do you and husband know about that? If not, do look it up and understand exactly what you may be in for. Visit a few memory care homes and observe the state of those who are in them (one may be my husband). That's what's ahead for MIL. But maybe it wouldn't have to be.

The least of your problems is her shrinking world, which is often what happens during the early part of cognitive decline. They realize they are having trouble coping and stay where they feel safe. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and I wish you the best.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Does she seem happy with her life? Maybe she is an introvert, can be alone with herself. I can see me being like this at 87.

Hearing aides can only do so much. They do not bring your hearing back 100%. My husbands problem is not the need for volume, he can't understand the words. No matter how high you turn his hearing aide up, he can't understand the words. He has lost hearing in one ear and is considered profoundly deaf in the other. Nothing more hearing aide wise they can do for him.

The thing with the digital, is sounds are more mechanical sounding. My husband did so much better with the analog. The sounds were truer. He has a special phone he uses for the hard of hearing. Phones have to be hearing aide compatable. Your cell has to be set for hearing aid. Speaker usually distorts. I have great hearing but cannot use speaker on my phone.

Yes, get her to an audiologist. Someone go in with her.
She may need some tweeking. Volume range is set by a computer. Her aid may have wax in the tubing. This will cause problems. Her mold may not fit correctly. As they age they get harder and shrink. My husband sees his audiologist at least once a year.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Make an appointment for her with the audiologist to recheck her hearing. Sometimes it's comprehension, and not hearing. This is a further sign of her cognitive decline (as is evidenced by only wanting to watch tv and disengage from life around her).

If she doesn't have a PoA, this is going to become a crisis once a decision is made to either hire extra help or transition her into a facility so that you can get your lives back. This needs to happen before she further declines. You need to make this a condition of continuing to care for her. You don't wait for buy-in as you know it's not going to happen. Just keep moving the ball down the field, using therapeutic fibs if/when necessary.

I'm happy she was such a great MIL to you. Bless you for helping her. May you receive wisdom and peace in your heart as you continue to help her to make future care and decisions easier.
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Reply to Geaton777
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She either upgrades her phone and hearing aids, or your husband will have to do everything FOR her. Choices have consequences.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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