Mom has been in an assisted living facility for the past several weeks. She about an hour and ten minutes away from us and is wanting to coming to our house because she's sooooooooo lonely. She loves me soooooo much and misses me soooooooo much! (BS! Sorry, there are some triggers there for me. She's a master manipulator though the dementia has jacked that up some.) We've been missing each other's calls (another story) and I finally contacted the facility director and told her what's going on. They took her phone away from her (excessive calls) and that's been a relief. Monday is her bday and I'm taking her out, but she's going to hound me to bring her to the house. Picking her up, bringing her to the house, taking her back, and coming back home is about 5 1/2 hours total of driving. I don't want her here. What in the world do I tell her? How do I deal with this kind of thing? I don't see it stopping! If I could, I would turn tail and run as far as I possibly could, but that's not an option. :(
Sometimes it's easier to just make up a story than it is to keep revisiting the same manipulative questions all the time. It's too exhausting. Stick to the Reno and dust and debris story for as long as necessary.
I used to tell my mother I was working full time when I wasn't. Just to give me a break from the constant phone calls and expectations she'd have that I was "sitting around at home doing nothing" when I SHOULD be visiting her. It was too much. We never got along well, yet I was her BFF when she wanted company. In an AL filled with activities and friends to hang around with.
Take a lovely cake to here place and just visit there. Ask her to invite some pals over for cake. Stay there maybe 2 hrs and leave and be done with it.
This whole thing with the phone was crazy there for a while bcuz she would never answer when I called back, but would leave 5-6 messages a day. :/
If she asks "Can you take me to see my house?", I'll answer "Yes, but not today, because I'm on my way to a doctor's appointment" (or some such excuse). I then change the subject by showing her some family pictures I brought her.
If you mother's short-term memory is still intact, this strategy won't work as easily, however, you can still answer "Yes, but not today because ..."
Since you said that your mother likes to manipulate, I would keep visits on the short side. Don't reward bad behavior.
By that I mean, if your mother starts in with the manipulation, that's the time to cut the visit short. Manipulators love nothing better than the back and forth of arguing and never taking no for an answer.
In the cases when you do need to answer "no", do it with as little explanation as possible, so you're not giving the manipulator any ammunition they can use to argue with. For example "No, it's simply not possible." Then if they want to argue, say "I'm not going to discuss it anymore." If they continue, that's your cue to end the visit.
It might take a few episodes of this before they understand that when you say "No", you really mean it.
And I agree that perhaps it best on her birthday Monday that you bring the birthday celebration to her facility so she can celebrate not only with you but also her new friends there. That way you won't have to listen about her not wanting to go back to her new home after whatever outing you originally had planned.
Going forward, keep things simple and keep things short. And for Pete's sake just say NO!
The AL made the right call with restricting how much phone access she has. Is it possible that a paid companion can be hired to visit with her at the AL and maybe go with her to some of the AL activities? Or take her out a couple times a week? That might really help her and it would certainly help you. This is just one option to be considered.
There are others possibilities. The AL I worked for had a system where residents who were very social and had it together mentally were part of a buddy system where they would "adopt" a new arrival or residents who were loners. It worked. You'd be surprised how much of a difference it makes to be invited to say eat lunch with a person rather than just going down to eat on your own. Talk to the AL director and ask them if they have anything like this where your mother is. If they do, it could make all the difference to her quality of life, and yours because she wouldn't be hounding you all the time.
"Most adults are still living for the approval of their parents. Trying to get the love they didn't get as children. Living life for someone else leads to one path: regret. The most important skill to develop as an adult is the ability to disappoint."
@the.holistic.psychologist
"Since you hate house cleaning, I can come over to help you."
"Let me come home to check and select the CDs/DVDs that I want so you don't have to look for them."
"Let me help you purge [look for] items."
"I want to see my maple tree and help you prune it."
My response has been a simple but stern "No. That's just not going to happen."