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Mom has been in an assisted living facility for the past several weeks. She about an hour and ten minutes away from us and is wanting to coming to our house because she's sooooooooo lonely. She loves me soooooo much and misses me soooooooo much! (BS! Sorry, there are some triggers there for me. She's a master manipulator though the dementia has jacked that up some.) We've been missing each other's calls (another story) and I finally contacted the facility director and told her what's going on. They took her phone away from her (excessive calls) and that's been a relief. Monday is her bday and I'm taking her out, but she's going to hound me to bring her to the house. Picking her up, bringing her to the house, taking her back, and coming back home is about 5 1/2 hours total of driving. I don't want her here. What in the world do I tell her? How do I deal with this kind of thing? I don't see it stopping! If I could, I would turn tail and run as far as I possibly could, but that's not an option. :(

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Tell her you're undergoing a total renovation on your home and cannot have anyone over for a year due to so much dust, debris, noise and chaos.

Sometimes it's easier to just make up a story than it is to keep revisiting the same manipulative questions all the time. It's too exhausting. Stick to the Reno and dust and debris story for as long as necessary.

I used to tell my mother I was working full time when I wasn't. Just to give me a break from the constant phone calls and expectations she'd have that I was "sitting around at home doing nothing" when I SHOULD be visiting her. It was too much. We never got along well, yet I was her BFF when she wanted company. In an AL filled with activities and friends to hang around with.
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Stardust 18 hours ago
Ugh, YES with the BFF thing! I like your idea about the renos, too. Thank you!
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I wouldn't even take her out anywhere and be forced into typical drama. She's only been there a few weeks?? That is a HUGE risk.

Take a lovely cake to here place and just visit there. Ask her to invite some pals over for cake. Stay there maybe 2 hrs and leave and be done with it.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Just say no. Over and over again. People in assisted living communities should be the least lonely people in the world. If they are lonely, it's their choice and their fault. Also, set limits on her calls to you. Let them go to voicemail and only call her back once a day or less, at your convenience. Set an alarm on your phone at the start of the call and when it rings, say, sorry Mom, have to go now. You deserve peace.
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Stardust 18 hours ago
Yes, that's what I've been intimating... "You're in a houseful of people!" and she says, "yes, but it's not family!" Ya, the family you wanted away from sooo badly, lol! And yes, that's definitely on her.

This whole thing with the phone was crazy there for a while bcuz she would never answer when I called back, but would leave 5-6 messages a day. :/
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My mother has dementia, and her short term memory is pretty much non-existent. She's 97 and very frail, so there's no way I'm risking taking her out of the facility. (I'm no spring chicken either.)

If she asks "Can you take me to see my house?", I'll answer "Yes, but not today, because I'm on my way to a doctor's appointment" (or some such excuse). I then change the subject by showing her some family pictures I brought her.

If you mother's short-term memory is still intact, this strategy won't work as easily, however, you can still answer "Yes, but not today because ..."

Since you said that your mother likes to manipulate, I would keep visits on the short side. Don't reward bad behavior.

By that I mean, if your mother starts in with the manipulation, that's the time to cut the visit short. Manipulators love nothing better than the back and forth of arguing and never taking no for an answer.

In the cases when you do need to answer "no", do it with as little explanation as possible, so you're not giving the manipulator any ammunition they can use to argue with. For example "No, it's simply not possible." Then if they want to argue, say "I'm not going to discuss it anymore." If they continue, that's your cue to end the visit.

It might take a few episodes of this before they understand that when you say "No", you really mean it.
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Reply to Dogwood63
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She can hound you all she likes, but just stand your ground. You know you cannot live with her. Simple as. I know it's tough, but not as tough as having her move in. You know she is a manipulator. Try to limit your visits, and always remember that the one requiring the care does not call the shots.
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Stardust 18 hours ago
I need to record your response and play it on loop!! It's a struggle bcuz of childhood trauma with her and saying no and setting boundaries triggers a deep seated fear of making her angry. But at least now, I don't have to deal with that side of her!
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Sounds like you need to learn how to say and use the word NO. It's such a small but powerful word when used correctly. And it's a complete sentence too! How cool is that? NO mom you can't come to my house, it would be too much for both you and me. NO mom it's not happening no matter how much you whine and complain. NO mom you are now where you need to be and I'm not taking you away from your new home.
And I agree that perhaps it best on her birthday Monday that you bring the birthday celebration to her facility so she can celebrate not only with you but also her new friends there. That way you won't have to listen about her not wanting to go back to her new home after whatever outing you originally had planned.
Going forward, keep things simple and keep things short. And for Pete's sake just say NO!
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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You probably shouldn't bring her to your house for her birthday. Pick her up from the AL and take her to lunch somewhere local. Yes, she's going to hound you about moving her in with you. Tell her firmly but kindly that moving in with you is not an option and that you came to take her out for her birthday. If she's not interested in going out, you will just go home. It's one afternoon. You can get through it.

The AL made the right call with restricting how much phone access she has. Is it possible that a paid companion can be hired to visit with her at the AL and maybe go with her to some of the AL activities? Or take her out a couple times a week? That might really help her and it would certainly help you. This is just one option to be considered.

There are others possibilities. The AL I worked for had a system where residents who were very social and had it together mentally were part of a buddy system where they would "adopt" a new arrival or residents who were loners. It worked. You'd be surprised how much of a difference it makes to be invited to say eat lunch with a person rather than just going down to eat on your own. Talk to the AL director and ask them if they have anything like this where your mother is. If they do, it could make all the difference to her quality of life, and yours because she wouldn't be hounding you all the time.
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One more tidbit for you Stardust:

"Most adults are still living for the approval of their parents. Trying to get the love they didn't get as children. Living life for someone else leads to one path: regret. The most important skill to develop as an adult is the ability to disappoint."
@the.holistic.psychologist
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I would not take her out of the AL at all. Bring the party to her. My Mom was in a small AL and I bought a cake big enough for everyone. See if the AL does something. I think my Moms it was by month. All those birthdays in a particular month were celebrated at one time. Maybe bring the meal to her. Ask the AL if you can have a table in the dining room away from others.
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My husband came up with so many "clever" ways to "visit home" ...
"Since you hate house cleaning, I can come over to help you."
"Let me come home to check and select the CDs/DVDs that I want so you don't have to look for them."
"Let me help you purge [look for] items."
"I want to see my maple tree and help you prune it."

My response has been a simple but stern "No. That's just not going to happen."
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