This is absolutely breaking my heart. After caring for both my parents for several years (both have since passed), I am now worried about a longtime friend of my mom's who is trying desperately to figure out how to get different needs met at the end of her life. She's a widow of two years (still grieving terribly) has no offspring and no extended family. Any friends are either aging as well or are too far away to assist. I just returned from a visit with her, and I live one state away. She's 89, still sharp but her body is failing her. She's had breast cancer, heart stents and two heart attacks. She can walk but needs help either with a cane or a walker. She's very emotionally fragile. She wears a Life Alert pendant. The issue is she's confused about the role of successor trustees, the role of the person who is responsible for her healthcare directive and caregivers. She has two caregivers that come four times a week for 3-4 hours. Both help with companionship. One does administrative help and the other does light housekeeping. What she wants is someone who will check in with her on a daily basis, checking to see if she needs anything and needs reassurance that she is not alone. She needs someone who will go with her to appointments (she still drives although I'm not so sure she should be). She can feed herself and bathe herself and get around the house OK. She gets so lonely and cries to me often. I feel horrible that I don't live near her so that I could be there to reassure her. I'm not really sure how she's going to get what she is so desperately needing. She just doesn't understand that those responsibilities (successor trustee, healthcare directive person, fiduciary, caregivers) can't be her everything. Each one has a specific duty, and they aren't obligated to fill the void of the family she doesn't have. She told me she wants to die as soon as possible because she just can't take the fear of being alone and dying alone. I need some useful suggestions on how to get her to understand that those roles I've mentioned aren't obligated to be a stand in for a family member and I could use ideas on how I could get her the help she needs. Is there such thing as a professional that deals with aging clients and helps them to get their emotional needs met and calm their fears? (As a side note she doesn't want to go to an independent living facility, she'd prefer to stay in her own home).
Since she's closed her mind to that, there's not much you can do. You might try a geriatric care manager and find out what they offer.
Your friend appears to be too big a job for any one person to handle. For your own mental health, you might want to back away. She could have dealt with these issues by planning a long time ago for such an eventuality. Since she didn't, you don't need to take it all on yourself. It's easy to get enmeshed in someone else's problems, and much harder to get out of the role when it becomes too much. Be careful, and good luck.
I'm confused about the successor trustee role. She has no offspring or extended family. Does she have a trust? Or is she worried about how to disperse her property when she is gone? A fiduciary can help. An attorney can help with all the paperwork regarding her estate, creating a healthcare directive, and she can hire a professional to act as her medical and financial POA. She doesn't need to name a friend or family member.
She fears dying alone, yet doesn't want to leave her home, where she is alone.
An assisted living community would be one consideration for her. Someone would check on her regularly, and she can get the help she needs, no worries about home maintenance and meal preparation. There is a community of people and activities she could join. And often transportation is provided for appointments or shopping.
Whatever would best suit her needs, a geriatric care manager can steer her in the right direction and manage it all for her.
She can't have it both ways. She can't insist on being in her own home and then be sad she doesn't see people daily. She has to make a tough choice, but the older people get the more reluctant they are to make the wise decision that means major changes. You can refer her to a church or other social group near her, but honestly she is going to need to move at some point. The sooner the better as she can settle in before she gets worse.
Start with the County Office of Aging. See if they can do an evaluation of her situation. Maybe they will be able to provide resources for her.
I will tell you, though, there are people no matter how much information you give them they just won't follow thru. They want someone to do it all for them. I am not that person. I had a friend like this. Needed transportation, I told her to sign up for Senior bussing. She didn't, she rather her friends transported her. She cried all the time she could not afford food or meds. But, she would not move out of a 2 bedroom apartment to a 1 bedroom that was cheaper. Nor out of a apt complex that was not accessible for someone with disabilities to a 55 and up Senior building where the rent was almost half of what she was paying. When she finally did, she found she loved it but passed 6 months later.
It would be nice if we all could age in place but the majority of us can't. I am 76 yrs old, husband 79. TG we are still in our home but we are aware that one fall could change that. We are aware that our split level is not the best place for two aging people and we may have to sell one day.
Maybe it's time she is on meds for depression and anxiety. Have you ever suggested this to her? This would help her a lot and may improve her decision-making. Bless you for caring about her but she needs/wants more than you can give.
Blessings to all who took time to do this share.
My second comment was to suggest that a lot of AL places have trial periods of a wèek to a month or two. Maybe you can suggest to your friend that she tour some places and try one out. If she hates it, she can go home at any time. My mom was month to month for four months before we signed the contract--they were very accommodating. Summer is also a nice time to try a place out because many facilities have barbecues and field trips, etc.
My suggestion would be for her to have respite care for a month in a really good facility. Perhaps you can ‘fake’ some house repairs to make it ‘necessary’. My first MIL went for NH respite, liked it, and stayed. She decided it was better than being home alone. Your friend may be more willing if it’s not a ‘once for all’ decision.
Please help her look into Care Coordinator Services in her area. They can work with her to determine her current & future needs, connect her with resources, etc. I just recently learned that these agencies exist. So much better than trying to track down all the information by herself.
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