How to make peace that you are your mother’s only caregiver even though you have two siblings (w/ tons of excuses)? How do you not explode?

I have been in your shoes and I know that rage all too well. I think I've posted on here before with the same question! The rage and betrayal and injustice is really hard to swallow. I only have one sister but she went completely awol when my mother was sick. Then my father died suddenly and I was left to clean up everything AND take care of my mom who needed a lot of care. And, I work, and had two teenagers, one was a senior. I had to basically abandon my own family to care for my mother. My sister wasn't even working, has plenty of money, doesn't have any children or really ANY responsibilities but lived out of state and skedaddled out of here as fast as she could. Yes, it was my choice to care for my mom, but frankly I didn't have a choice. This was my mother that I loved dearly and she needed help and there was no one else. I did put her in ALF but she was cognizant and aware and had complex medical issues that needed frequent attention. I could not and would not abandon her. But I would have really liked some help! I can tell you that rage was so intense at my sister. I swore I'd never speak to her again after my mother died. I knew it was eating me up inside. Even my teens who love their aunt started to see her differently. I did not prejudice them but they saw how it all played out and it affected them. I will tell you I prayed and prayed for forgiveness. I think I read every forgiveness reading plan on my bible app. I was still rageful, deeply resentful. It took a really long time, but eventually the rage started to lift a little at a time. A few months before my mother died, I did come to peace with it. I wish I could say exactly how, but maybe all those prayers kicked in. I began to see my sister as really someone who was not willfully neglectful but really just an anxious person who could not deal with her mother's illness. She suffered in her own ways. When my mother passed, I felt peace. My sister still struggles. I really thought I would say, Serves you right! You reap what you sow! But that's not how I feel, much to my own surprise. I do feel sorry for her if you can believe that. So I call her and try to help her through her grief. Hers is harder than mine. I miss my mother every day but I know what I did for her and my mom knew what I did for her. We had a closeness that my sister didn't and it was her loss. My sister has to live with her own choices. I also know my mother was grateful to me but she never felt resentful towards my sister, she just knew that was who she was. I see it now as a way to honor my parents that I am still in contact with my sister and things are better between us. Way better than I ever thought they could be, so don't lose hope for your future relationship with your sisters.
In the interim, what I learned was I had to ask for help, and be specific. They may say no, but at least you asked. I would ask my sister, look I want to go on vacation, can you come one of these 3 weeks? She did and I went on vacation (once in two years, but hey better than nothing). My sister literally flew in and out for the bare minimum of time - my mom was alone for the first and last day of the 5 day vacation, but she did it. My sister of course, went on multiple vacations during this time.
Other than that, focus on your relationship with your mom. Draw boundaries if needed, and work on accepting the realities apart from your sisters. I always call it the social contract you never knew you signed. My life was completely upended when my mother suddenly became sick and declined dramatically literally overnight. In my case, the caregiving was only for 2 years but it was intense and daily. It was hard, no doubt, made harder that I was left alone to do it. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there my friend and take it one day at a time.

It's really impossibility to accept the fact that your two sisters are not pulling their weight with helping out with your mom.

You did move in with your mom, so they might look at it that you're getting free rent and therefore taking care of mom in return.

If your mom can afford it, hire help to care for your mom a few hours a day or whenever you need it on a regular basis.

If mom can't afford it, tell your sisters that they need to pay for a Caregiver to help you out.

You also might make an agreement in writing, that when your mom passes that the house will be yours gor the care you're giving her and not be sold and divided between your non helping siblings.

Praters thst they come around and do their fair share.

I’ve reread your post several times. First, your rage at your sisters has no impact whatsoever on them, but it will kill you. This is well documented. As humans, instead of being angry with ourselves and our choices, we often get angry at others for their perceived lack of understanding or willingness to comply with our plans. Did you really have a conversation with your sisters about mom or did you “tell them we would take turns” and assume they would fall in line with your decisions?

You also call their choices “lies.” Really? If I had a sibling who called my choices lies, I would run as quickly as possible in the opposite direction and leave them to deal alone.

I understand that having had success with your father, you felt you had the key to helping your mom but this hasn’t turned out as you hoped. Every case is the same and yet every case is different. When you promised to care for your parent, that care can take many forms, including outside help and assisted living. Don’t let your rage blind you to other sources of support such as have been suggested here.

When I returned to the area and began taking over much of my mom’s care, I was very angry at my brother who had been her primary caregiver. The truth was he had made choices about her care which worked for him, and never asked for any help or input from the other three siblings. He complained that we didn’t understand what he had been going through. The truth was mother had been hiding her problems from the rest of us and he wouldn’t tell us what he needed fearing we would insist on assisted living to help with her Parkinson’s and that might require selling her house where he was living. We haven’t spoken since her death, and probably never will, but the anger is gone and only sadness remains. If he had asked for help, instead of sacrificing his life, who knows what might have been.

You can pretend you are the only child which seems sadly to be your reality unjust as it is. I am an only child. My mother has had periods of illness since I was 7. My parents divorced in 1976. I have tried pointlessly to have her be healthier. Now at 90 my worse fears are happening. She is very overweight and is in a nursing home after having to leave AL after a serious hospital stay. It is doubtful she will walk let alone stand. She can't be showered. She can't use the toilet. Yet she has some mind left and wonders when she can be out of there. Everyone around her is practically comatose.

I am sorry for your situation. From my viewpoint we almost have the same since you receive no help from siblings. I only have myself and the years of hoping this would never come to pass.

I appreciate this discussion group so much. When I feel I have reached the end of my caregiving rope I read what so many others are dealing with and it gives an odd sense of comfort to know that others are struggling just like I am.

The resentment raises its ugly head every once and awhile and I have to remind myself of the definition: Resentment is like taking poison and wanting the other person to die.

I am retired and live close to my 90 year old mother. One sibling lives across the country and the other an hour away. They both are still working educators amidst this pandemic. I have often asked their opinion in making decisions about Mom's care but soon realize they don't have a sense of how things really are with her. Her short term memory is becoming more and more fuzzy. She broke a hip a year ago and is still in her condo with overnight help 4 nights a week. She wants to cut back on the help as it is expensive. I have her on a waiting list for AL only due to waiting for circumstances to push the issue.

What feeds my resentment is that my mother had no plan for her aging. She is planning to live forever I think. She doesn't want to go to AL and can't see that in the long run it is cheaper than trying to keep up the expenses of her condo and the in-home care all of which I manage as well as her finances and doctor's appointments.

My father died from a 12 year bout of Alzheimers 9 years ago. Because I live locally I have been the point person. It has been a 20 year duty and I am tired. What I have found helpful is: having a good therapist, learning to set boundaries with what I can and cannot do for my mother (like committing to solving minimal problems on Wednesdays when I bring the groceries), wonderful friends who listen with empathy, a supportive partner, LETTING GO of expectations from my siblings (I struggle with this one), taking note of all that I am learning so that I can better prepare for my own aging and not be a burden to my own daughter.

I wish the best for all of us who are now called The Sandwich Generation.

"Yet the hatred I feel for the two or them makes me sick at times. How do I just accept this as a choice ? How do I let go of the rage of losing so many years?"

Focus on your words: "...makes me sick..."

You need to realize that your anger and frustration, while understandable, is only hurting you, not them. Nothing you say or do will change them. You can only change yourself and how you deal with it all. Once this sinks in, work on ditching the anger and frustration. Been there, done that myself.

Ignore all the stuff about your choice of words, that isn't important. What I've suggested above can be difficult, but it can be done. Been there, done that!

I can't fit it all here, so my experience will be posted as a comments to this comment. Please read them, so you understand you aren't alone, and perhaps you can glean some help from how I dealt with this anger and frustration. It doesn't happen overnight, but it can make it better for you.

I understand how you feel completely. I am one of four daughters, two that live 5 minutes away and one that is 4 hrs away. Mom is 99 now and moved in with me after a stroke two years ago. I had promises of help too but ultimately it has come down to just me except for occasional visits. It took time but I am ok with that. The reality is, if I was the only sibling, I would be doing this anyway. It's just who I am and that probably describes you too. I keep Mom with me because I want to, not because I have to. My siblings did not offer Mom a home with them and that is between them and Mom. I take pride in knowing that I am there for my mother. I am doing the right thing. It really has nothing to do with anyone else. It's between me and Mom.

Forgot to add - one thing I did was begin to pay myself for my time spent caregiving. I did it mostly to distribute some of her funds in case she lived a much longer time and would end up on medicaid. It sounds shallow but it really did help me that when I added up the many hours spent on her care and paid myself for them once a month, it made me resent my sister a little less. You have to write up a formal personal care agreement and report it as income on your taxes. My mom was on board with it and had the funds so I was very fortunate in that respect. If your mom has assets you might set it up so each of you gets paid for the time you spend and see if that doesn't entice them to step up.

Amy, you are right to feel angry. I bet your siblings will be at your side when mom dies and their inheritance is waiting. I think it was less your “choice” and more like everyone else scattered and you were the only one left. And what are you supposed to do? Just abandon your mom. Well, your siblings did exactly that. If I were you, I’d find a care facility. There is still a LOT of care you need to do but you will get a break from the 24/7 responsibilities. You need to have a life of your own. And please, for your own sake, let go of the anger. You are only hurting yourself. Don’t let your siblings do that to you. Find a place for your mom, start loving yourself again. And let go of your siblings. I plan to do the same. After this is all over with my mom I will likely never speak to either of them and I’ll live happily ever after 😊

There are a couple of routes you can go with this. Understand that most family members do not have complete agreement or understanding.

1 - You can do all the work of caregiving and resent the family members who won't help. The only one who ends up the loser is you. The other family members will continue to give you excuses and will never lend help in any form, You and your husband will likely experience burnout if you do not have a good support network.

2 - You can accept that the rest of the family will not help and move on. Build a network of family, friends, members of your faith group, and paid help to lighten your caregiving load. You'll know when you have a good system when you can get 7-9 hours of sleep daily, have 3 good meals a day, have time to exercise, and time for social interactions and hobbies that do not include your mother. This division of labor will allow you to nurture your marriage while also caring for your mom.

3 - You have a couple of family meetings with all family members concerned/involved in mom's care. Make a list of tasks that mom needs help with. Have everybody sign up for ones that they agree to help with - whether they do it personally or hire somebody else to do it. Whatever tasks are "leftover" should be done by paid help. The money for the paid help should come out of mom's resources, not yours. If somebody shirks their responsibility, have a one on one meeting to discuss options when they can not or will not help out.

You have received some excellent advice from many. Everyone is allowed to make their own decisions. They are not allowed to force others to support those decisions. When my parents got to the point where they could not live alone easily, they changed their minds about moving to assisted living and decided to stay home. They began to need all kinds of help, from grocery shopping to managing my dad’s large garden. This was their decision. My decision was that I would not give up my own life to support their choices, I was willing to do some things, and I did, but just because they wanted the “assisted living” to be provided free by their kids doesn’t mean the kids have to agree. It caused major resentment on the part of the ones who leapt at the chance to be heroes at first but then tired of the work.

Just because one kid decides that a parent must be cared for at home doesn’t mean everyone else has to agree. Maybe your sibs feel that your dad’s widow with dementia should be in memory care, or have paid caregivers to stay home, and that choice is just as valid as yours. Parents can decide that they don’t want to pay for long term care insurance and instead ask family to do it. That’s their choice. But the family doesn’t have to go along.

It’s better to focus on what you CAN control. Take an inventory of all the assets: cash, investments, house, insurance. Make a list of options: memory care, in-home caregivers, help from kids and the expenses of each option. Don’t forget ordinary expenses such as home repairs, insurance, and property taxes. Find out if there is a will or if trusts are already in place, find out who has power of attorney for healthcare and finance. Then everyone gets to decide together. Sometimes family doesn’t want to pay for care because it will eat up the inheritance, sometimes they don’t want to give up their own lives to provide it themselves...it’s complicated. But the TL;DR is that you have to make your own decisions. The decisions of your siblings can figure into your own, and you may decide that you don’t want to be the sole caregiver, but you don’t get to decide that the others have to help. If “shared caregiving” is not an option, what is left to choose from? “Abandon her at home” is criminal neglect so that’s not an option either. There is a compromise between those extremes that won’t please everyone, but sometimes such a compromise is all we can do.

Not sure if finances allow more help, but if there is money for that sort of thing, use it. Some folks are fortunate in that respect, others are not and have to do what they do to manage the care of a parent.

Since neither of the siblings are 'caregivers' and refuse to help, approach the subject of them paying for care they refuse to provide. If you can get them to agree to house cleaning a day or two a week - it will help you. Pay for in home help so you and hubby can have a weekend away once a month, every other month or even quarterly. You may or may not get help that way.

There are people who will help their loved ones in this world. Then, you have those who think everyone is on their own. What you do for your mom comes down to 'what you can live with'. If you placed her in a facility, would the guilt eat you up when she passes? That's pretty much how I approach decisions I make - what can I live with. Yes, there is still some anger when you don't get help, Even if they don't want to help mom, you wonder how they can leave you to do it alone. The thing is, they are doing what they can live with and our hearts will never understand how it can be so little. Like many of us who post here, just do the best you can do.

It's difficult for certain people to discern between being a big sister and being a professional negotiator. Within a family unit of three siblings there is an opportunity to become the most wonderful team of collaborators or a bunch of bratty children who say "no you can't make me" and "you're not the boss of me" in a very dangerous situation, at the expense of insufficient elder care or at the demise of the health of the one left to carry the full burden. I am frankly tired of people saying "you can't make people" NO ONE IS MAKING PEOPLE...what we are trying to do is corral the wild horses who want to go out and play all the time whilst you are stuck in the house cleaning the toilet at age 11. Just because I and others like me never learned to become "negotiators" does not mean we are trying to MAKE YOU do things you won't want to do. We are speaking like we had to when we were children, we cannot pick magic nice nice words out of our hats but we are trying our darnest, and as adults you should as sibilings to this woman should be looking at what is behind her words. I tried calling meetings, asking for lunch dates to get to reconnect with adult siblings who were out of touch due to being out of town or due to having World of Wrestling on TV night after night whilst I went off to go hiking in nature. I tried these to foster trust between the trust lost being raised in a very "individualistic" household. Different personalities, should not mean, that the Oldest is burdened with the responsibility till death due her part. I did not marry my parents. I do however know that 3 siblings can break up the work. One sleeps there at the house but that will wear you down as soon as your mother starts to get worse, or stops walking and requires diaper changes. You need resources. Money. To hire someone to come at night and sleep over while you get your sleep, as one day, she will or can come to that. It was only when it was too late that Monday to Thursdays were mine from 10 to 5 or sometimes 8 p.m. in my mother's last year of life. It was only then that the brats decided to come over then from Thursday to Friday one and the youngest temporarily moved upstairs because she had a "husband" who would be able to handle any heavy lifting if needed. For example, if my mother fell going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Which happened twice because she refused to use the bedroom commode. Even this was too much for the sister as later it got worse and instead of "collaborating" towards funding toward hiring a night nurse, she instead played "martyr" in hopes of making this a revenge show later on after my mother passed. I am frankly tired of people playing this "you can't make others do anything they don't want to". We need to legislate Elder Care Plans not have to hire $1000 plus a pop "Elder Mediators"...as each sibling has to pay for the service in order for the "mediators$$$$" to create a happy team of children. I know parents played favorite and this is not the time settle old rivaveries, it is a time to collaborate. To become those little girls who sang Christmas Carols together...instead. Reconnecting is not a innate skill it is a new skill one that needs warranting. If you can't get them to cover over, could asking for financial assistance work instead. Do they know that elders are not like children who you take care of because childern eventually become self-sufficient. Elders become completely dependent. Is your mother's personality the issue here? No one wants to see her? Then ask for the money, go to a lawyer to write an ask letter for money outlining your hours and your time spent care giving. People need a wake up call, and an option to help. Add this option to the letter. Either you help out, or you pay out. Maybe, people can start to create a new precedent in these types of house hold disconnects. A one off letter at a lawyer, who can write more eloquently than I do...and without the rage and rancor in tone.

Everyone seems to be suggesting that the OP arrange for aides to come in to help. In this age of Covid, do you not think that is risky? The aide might work with other patients and is exposed to all their germs as well as the exposure she has to her own family (if there is one) and all the people her family has been exposed to. Risk to me seems to outweigh the reward.

Believe me, I understand completely what she is saying. I, too, am the only daughter and, while my younger brother has been helping by caring for Mom for two weeks each month in his home, he has now decided that caring for Mom is "too hard" and he no longer wants to do it! HUH?? It has been suggested that we seek out in-home care, but I believe at this point, it is too risky.

So, looks like I will again become Mom's sole caregiver. She is 90 and her dementia is worsening and she is now down to 107 lbs because she does not feel hunger or want to eat. Truly, this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire 71 years!

Since none of our 90 year old dad’s four kids are willing or able to provide him with the 24/7 care he needs, I helped him tap into his home equity to pay for it. I visit him (Oregon from California) once a month for a week to offset the cost of his care and make the equity last longer; however, at a cost of $8000 per month, it will be gone in two years and I’ll have to reevaluate at that time. All the siblings know that there will not be anything left to inherit when he passes, as I may pay myself first for all the hours I provided care! I should note that I reduced his caregivers to the most trustworthy three after Covid hit, and feel confident that they are taking all precautions to keep him and themselves safe. I also get tested before I visit.

Amy, My condolences on the loss of your father. You were a good daughter to him. As for your Mom, I feel for you. I was in your shoes in caring for Mom who had Dementia for almost 7 years. I am the youngest of 4. I have two sisters and one brother. I told them, I asked them, and I pleaded with them to help more with Mom. They chose to give " what they wanted and nothing more". Arguing only lead to discourse and disrespect from them. Thank God, and with Gods help I was able to get her 24 hr home care. She worked hard and in the end she was able to reap her benefits. Had Medicaid and Medicare. I fought hard to get her doctors visits at home, all labs done at home and xrays done at home. I was everything, "proxy, aide, case manager, advocate, etc." I gave her my best. No regrets. My dad was as helpful as he could be, Mom and he were in their late 80's when Mom was diagnosed. Dad helped hold her while aides cleaned her( when she was bedridden). He also kept the aides and mom company all day. Every day, upon rising, he would walk over to Mom and tell her how much he loved her and how beautiful she was. Sadly, when Mom was getting worse(ended up bedridden for 2 years, and didn't say much... a word here and there) I told my siblings, when Moms gone, I'm gone. Meaning all communication betw. us will cease. Mom passed away just before last Christmas. Mom and Dad were married for almost 69 years!
I stepped up immediately, and started to initiate all that would be needed to provide care for Dad, who is in pretty good shape(he turned 95 this year). Once again, God has taken care of us. Dad has an aide for 3 days/10 hours and another one for 4 days/10 hours. Covid has been challenging but he doesn't go out, the aides protect themselves and dad too. He feeds, bathes, dresses and shaves himself. Gets around with a walker and has a great memory for his age. I have the aides walk him up and down the hall ( with gloves and Mask) 2-3 times a day. My brother visits once a week and AT LEAST brings groceries. If needed, I only communicate with my sister in-law by text, or email, to inform my brother of dads grocery needs and what not to buy him(he is Type 2 diabetic). I usually, if needed, take Dad to see his doctor. If I cannot, then I text/email my sister in-law to ask if my brother can take him( fyi, my brother is dads proxy). My sisters visits sparingly. When Dad goes to be with Mom(and God), I will move away and leave no forwarding address. Each of us make our own choices and in the end ... it will be what it will be! May God Bless you and your husband and provide you with all you need to care for your precious mother.

It is very difficult to maintain strong family relationships when siblings do not agree on care of elderly parents. Since they are family, siblings must see each other on special occasions, so it is best if they can be civil if not as loving or jovial as they used to be. Life happens and sometimes life is not easy when a loved one dies. In my experience as a caregiver, I was happy and honored to care for my mother with Alzheimers.
However, that wasn't the issue that damaged our relationships. I learned later from attorneys that it is common for families to break up because of squabbles over property and assets. Despite telling my six siblings that I was not interested in my mom's property, two sisters retained an attorney and acquired control of my mother and her house. After I left my mother because of legal judgment, my sisters placed my mother in a assisted living facility 300 miles away. I visited my mother every weekend, but she only lasted 6 weeks due to loneliness and inability to see family and friends.
Thus, I have difficulty letting go of anger because of how my sisters mistreated my mother. I pray for ability to forgive them but I am unable to forget what they have done. What makes it worse is that my sisters believe they didn't do anything wrong. Also, the sisters tell others that I was only taking care of my mother because I wanted the house. So I don't know if this is good advice or not, but I can only say that decisions have consequences. I know one thing, I know in my heart that I only wanted to care for my mother because she cared for all of her children and helping her in her last days was the least that I could do. The situation regarding the siblings remains a challenge because my sisters are angry for another reason. My sisters are angry at me because I informed the larger family of what they did in court and to my mother by sending her so far away.
Very sad, but my conscience is clear and my heart is true to God. I am far from perfect, but I know I did my best and what is right concerning the care of my mother.

My advice is to be very specific with your requests. My sister was the primary caregiver for both of my parents for a few years. Then my mom died with COVID and my dad went downhill fast. My brother and I live out of state so everything fell to my sister. She was upset with us all of the time but was also a bit of a martyr. Whenever we suggested a solution, she did not like it. My sister moved in with my dad and we hired a live-in caregiver. My brother and I both agreed to go for a week every month. While there we help with my dad but also do whatever we can to help her. We are now all on good terms and my sister has calmed down. My advice is to not be a martyr and be very specific with your requests for help.

I suggest you work on your spirituality and even join a support group. Forgive and think positive. Thank God for your self and your husband. What a blessing to be a vehicle for providing love and compassion to a family member. What a pleasure to be a caregiver. It is hard work and sacrifices with little to no reward. Instead of being angry and bitter, be thankful that out off your siblings you were chosen for this mission.

support groups are both good and bad; the alzheimer's assn has many local chapters and perhaps you'll be lucky enough to find a good one. Some in my town were for adult children only and you'll discover how you are not alone with the absent sibling syndrome. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and have seen the reality of it all, we have made a choice of sorts, and no one is really going to give us credit for our efforts aside from those who know what we are doing from having done it themselves. It's very hard to let go of the rage. But know that you must take care of YOU as well, for the consequences can sneak up and impact your own well being if you do not. I came to realize that in a very scary way a few months ago when I wound up in the hospital having surgery for a condition I didn't know I harbored. It's an especially challenging time right now with COVID issues underlying every move. My issue was life threatening, and although my sister (only sibling) arrived from out of state, in the end she BLAMED me for my choices, AND my illness, saying I should have known. SHe would rather show no regard for our parent's well-being and dump them in a nursing home or assisted living where it would be sure to cause my father's demise, based on how he thrives in his own community with his own lifestyle. Anyhow, yesterday I was sent a message from my sister, the first in ages in which she stated she "hopes I survive" and was apparently unhappy because I had not inquired how SHE was being that she was unemployed. I let her know she HAD better hope I survive as life as she knows it would blow up in her cute little face. If you're comfortable with how an agency is taking precautions in light of COVID, I would see what resources you can bring in to give you some well deserved respite time. Contact your local Alzheimer's Assn chapter or area agency on aging. And don't forget Meals on Wheels...depending on your age you may qualify as well....make the regular required life tasks as easy on yourself as possible while trying to carve out some respite time you can count on for yourself. Even if that means someone primarily coming in just to be in the house so you can get out. Our local AAonA had a specific Caregiver respite program. To be honest I was unhappy with the people we had but I learned alot from my mistakes so I would not make them again I hope. In our program you arranged for agency help on your own, paid for it, and were reimbursed up to a certain amount. It also was set up so you were only in the program several months which greatly angered me as they should know this is an ongoing need a caregiver needs to be able to count on.
Sending hugs and wishing you luck.

Your first responsibility is to your husband and immediate family. Even if you want to do care for your father's wife (I'm assuming she is not your mother), you can reassess periodically and make adjustments as needed. If it gets too much for you and you are not getting help from your sisters, consider an assisted living facility for her. Don't hate your sisters, just change the situation so that it also works for you and your husband.

Hi AmyL13, this might sound silly but have you recently expressed your frustrations and laid out specific needs/asks with your siblings directly? Do they know that they would helping YOU? Maybe they have built up resentment or disconnect from your mother but if you all are (or were) close as sisters, maybe they would approach helping your mom in a different way.

I have 2 older (half) brothers with their own families/work/lives and have learned that I must spell everything out for them whenever I need help with mom. They were not very close with my mom but when I expressed how overwhelmed I am as the sole/primary caregiver for my mom, they were definitely more eager to help.

Wishing that your siblings also come around. This is a very difficult time and at least you are not alone - try to look at the bright side whenever you can. Good luck!

Holding resentment, hate, and anger toward someone is like you taking poison and expecting the other person to die. You need to get help for this, and I believe reaching out to this group is your first step to healing.

Every child has a different relationship with their parent. You don't know how your sisters feel about their mother. For example, my little brother was the Golden Child, he was loved, favored, and his deeds were something to be proud of. My mother never cared for me, she told me so. She was emotionally abusive. I grew up believing I was ugly and unwanted because she came right out and told me so. So, we both saw her differently. If they don't want to care for her, there may be a reason.

Do you have POA etc? If so, start looking for a place to place her where she can have 3 shifts of people to help her around the clock. COVID not withstanding, get on a list now, COVID restrictions can't last forever and just the thought of an end to your stress can help you endure now. If they have a waiting list at least you will be on it. In the meantime, use any funds she has to get some relief for yourself. My County Office of Aging sometimes has grants for respite care. So, if you need to get out for a few hours, the relief person comes to you free of charge.

The only person you can control is you. Caring for your mother is too much for you. It seems to me you need to forget your sisters and look for outside the family for help.

So, is this your stepmom? Does she have children? If this is the case there may not be the loyalty from your siblings for her as there would be for a birth mom.

Someone asked if you have POA, good question if you are the only caregiver available. Maybe you can have her placed in an Agecare place for dementia. You will still be busy if you are her "agent", but a whole lot less busy than looking after her in your home, or her home. My siblings, sisters, are not as involved with mom as I am... You can be sure they will be very involved when it comes time to collect the inheritance. I will have the good memories with mom, not the guilt.
Any good thing I do for mom is looked upon as a negative by them, I either didnt do something right, or am too "controlling"... whatever....

"don't hold it in..."... "don't carry that hate"... HOGWASH...

No matter what anyone tells you you have a right to how you feel.

(I'll say it again)---------> YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO HOW YOU FEEL.

Eff anyone who tells you differently.

Take care of your mother. Fulfill the obligation you feel.

Resolve that your siblings are feckless, and be done with them.

My Mother (age 99) is in an assisted living home. My brother lived near by her, but I live 2000 miles away. My brother died this year and my nephew has stepped up and is helping her with many issues...Dr. appointments, prescriptions, problems with her TV ( she can no longer manipulated the remote correctly). I feel incredibly sad and guilty about his. My nephews wife is getting angry. I have offered to get her paid help, but can't get anyone inside the building because of Covid precautions. Any suggestions?

I had it worse.
They were getting money and doing nothing while I did all the work. This went on for six years.
Recently I put my foot down and in no uncertain words to her that no pay, no work. You give them money now it is their turn to do the work.
Now they take turns coming down and there is a list of jobs to be done. They are furious. Besides that, moms, grandma's bank has closed which infuriates them even more. Mom has her mental wits about her so I am in a better position than you unfortunately.
There comes a time to put your foot down and stop the abuse.
Either you get help or ma goes into an old folks home.
It sucks for your mom but what good can you do if you have a nervous breakdown or your marriage falls apart because of this.

Not everyone is suited to the life of being a caretaker to an elderly parent. I recognized years ago that it was not a job I would want to do and was very honest with my parents about it. I told them I would deal with financial issues, find them other housing options, etc. but that hands-on caregiving was not an option.

My brothers and sister were less honest, avoiding visiting, occasional phone calls, telling me to "let them know what needed doing." I chose to maintain my relationship with them rather than resenting their abdication. After all, I expect we will all outlive our parents and I want to stay friends with them.

You can’t change them, you can only change your reaction to them. What is more important, a future relationship or maintaining a grudge? My dad and one sister had an adversarial relationship for 80 years! 80 years! Why waste time and energy when we have a short time to enjoy our lives? Don’t drive them away.

I suggest you have a frank talk with each sister and ask what they would be willing to do to help you. Maybe taking over bill paying, searching for medical/medicine options, searching for in-home help or care facilities. Instead of expecting everyone to do the same thing capitalize on each person's strength. Maybe it would be helpful to prepare a list of tasks and ask them what they would be able to take over. And be grateful for any assistance.

BTW I asked my sister to research Medical Alert options. She emailed me a link to a google search page. At first I was mad, then I laughed. Later I found out she was suffering from Lyme disease and had no energy.

Imho, when my brother said "I won't do the caregiving to mother," I could have held onto the anger, but I was already living out of state with my mother, providing care for her. When I realized that I could not have feelings of resentment to be an adequate caregiver, I let it go. Prayers sent to you.

Hi AmyL13,

I can empathize with your words. I am sorry you aren't getting help from your siblings. I have two older siblings, both brothers. One sees my father from time to time and offers to cook or bring groceries or cut the lawn once in a while. I live with my father and the other brother. He told me he is doing only what he intends to help, which is not much. When I first moved in with my father a year ago, I had such anger inside because of my brother's refusal to help that it overcame me for months. I offered to take care of the gardening and thought it would be a little haven and calm space for me, but it wasn't a pleasant experience because of the anger in my head. I spoke to my brother about things but his way of dealing with anything is to start a fight and walk out of the house.

I remember the day that I apologized to the plants in the garden for my negative energy and had to laugh. It was a release and I felt better when I headed out to weed or cut the grass. One day I took some time and asked myself where do I want to spend my energy? I had certain things that needed to get done on a daily basis, and spending my valuable energy on a person that doesn't help didn't serve me. This is my life and I am going to protect my experiences. I too made the choice to help dad at his end of life so I looked at what was available in the care system in our community and built a team that WANTED to help. I felt better and my energy for my father improved as well. My brother is still the same, or worse, actually, but he isn't my focus. My health, I have learned, is the most important, and while I felt guilty about that at first, I saw things improve and I got my smile back.

Please love yourself lots and give yourself lots of credit for what you are doing.

All the best to you, Tempest.