How to prepare for the death of a husband?

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How to prepare for the death of a husband?

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He has a living will, and the funeral is planned. What else do I need to get in order? What tips do you have? What do you wish you did differently?

End of Life Spouse

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Some things that helped me when my husband died were:
- If he is able, have him write or record how he would like to be remembered. My husband was a writer and made notes on what he’d like in his obituary. Although I edited the notes so they would flow, I found having his thoughts made it much easier than starting from scratch.
- Organizing our financial documents. Just having a list of the accounts and assets kept me on track. Also (as others have mentioned) if you make sure that you are designated as the beneficiary on his accounts will make your life a lot less stressful after his passing.
- Reaching out to others who are at a loss too. I found that I tended to go off alone to grieve, but our daughter, my husband’s mom and our little dog were in pain also. I wish I’d been more sensitive.

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I lost my husband at age 50, he went into a coma and never came out of it. Prepare now check all insurance policies. If you have a vehicle make sure it has both names on it, as well as home. Be sure bank accounts have both names so you can have full access to that. Grieve then live life my son and grandchildren were my saving grace as they needed me to move on I had been there for many years for my husband and there was nothing else I could of done or changed. Sometimes we blame ourselves for all the what ifs and why me. But life is funny like that we don't always know all the answers. Believe me it does get better its all up to you.

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Although this probably wouldn't apply to Julia Rose as, per her profile, they're living in LA, it's something that others may wish to consider:   winterizing the house, especially if it's vacant.

I used to do that for my parents when they were Winter Texans, i.e., clean the frig and freezer, unplug them, turn the water off, etc.    But now I need to go to Dad's regularly to clean out, so I need to leave the water on, although I could turn it on and off and drain the pipes every time I go out there.

Last year I added insulated covers to the exterior faucets, and learned about frost-free sillcocks.   Of course I forgot about all that until now, when cold weather is an issue again.    Another chore to add to the handyman or plumber's list.

And I noticed that someone, I suspect the lawn mowing company, either removed or sliced off the cap to the exterior sewer cleanout.    I don't know if the water in the base of the line would freeze, but I can't imagine dealing with that kind of catastrophe, so I opted to find a cap to replace the line.

I was fortunate in that a Lowe's helper found exactly what I needed. Then, checking out the exterior of the house, I found what I think might be a vent stack, not at the top of the house but in a window well.   If it's a vent, it shouldn't be capped, but is it a vent? I have no idea. Only Dad knows, or perhaps one of the other men in the neighborhood.

I'll get my handyman to guide me, but in the meantime I suppose I'll worry about it freezing over.

These house maintenance issues might not be at the top of post-death issues, but they can be critical, especially if a house is vacant and the water isn't turned off during intense winter weather.

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I am so sorry that you are dealing with this while losing your husband. You are wise to be thinking ahead.

You have received lots of practical advice. I hope everything goes smoothly as it can for you. God bless you and your husband.

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Julia : I am so sorry you are taking this journey now. Please know that you are in my heart and my thoughts right now. Take care of yourself.

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Talk with all your insurances ASAP - health, auto, home. If you are a policy OWNER you have full authority to make changes. If you are an "insured" you are not necessarily a joint policy owner. As joint spouse/owner the policy should pass to you, make sure you report the death as soon as you receive those death certificates!

Claims filed later can be rejected on the basis that you did not report this change/event. I was told if I want to continue payments, I can continue the policy if they receive the death certificate.

I filed a claim several years ago. I requested the check be made payable to me. We were both policy owners. I was told the insurance still must issue the check payable to both of us. If my husband was the sole policy "owner", the check would have been issued in his name only. He was in the hospital so I could not have paid the bill until he got home!

If we did not have the joint checking account at the time, this would have been a royal headache.

I would ask all 3 insurances where to send a death certificate when a spouse/policy owner dies. This will be one more set of information/addresses you will not have to pursue after his death.

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Make sure you are all Se on your End, Dealing with Hubby's death and your Own at Home Finances. I am so very Sorry, dear.

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I have POA for my husband with dementia. I have encountered several problems....our telephone company that we have had for 57 years would not let me arrange for repairs as the account is in his name. I sent them a form they forwarded to me along with my POA and cancelled the account....getting along fine with my cell phone. Had the same problem with our television cable account so I sent a copy of my POA to everyone we have an account with....except realized our auto insurance still listed him and he has not driven or had a license for quite a while.....so did same with them and got things in my name. Keep wondering what else will pop up, so watch out.

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Please, if you haven't done so, look into grief counseling. I have heard that this will be very beneficial for you and the family in the end. As Grandma1954 says "No matter what you think you are ready for...you will get kicked in the gut!" So Grief counseling will be very helpful for you afterwards. My mom is currently going through the end stages of her husband's life (my dad) so you have my prayers and thoughts.

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My prayers to you and your MOM in the end stages of your DADS life. You are so correct that you will get kicked in the gut. My husband passed on Sept 4, 2019. Thank you Anonymous1256 for giving such valuable advice. You yourself will need grief counseling. You are important too.
May God be with you and your family.

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After my dad died I stayed with my mother for a week. For some reason she got in a rush to have me inform every company they had accounts with that he had died. Nothing wrong with that--maybe. Except that the credit card was in HIS name not HERS, and they closed the account the instant I called. She had to go through a lengthy application process for herself. That left her to either use cash or checks--not always feasible. I know a lot of people say "don't use credit cards", but sometimes it's the best option. Seeing what she went through, the first thing I did when I returned home was to apply for a card in my own name. As I recall, mom had to fuss with at least one of the utilities as well.

Plan to have someone accompany you (at least the first few weeks) any time you have to meet about financial/business matters. Dealing with Social Security office and the county (property titles) was particularly traumatic for mom. Those nice people ask questions and your mind can freeze up and not process what they're saying. Have someone with you that you can lean on.

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Check and double check all financial accounts including all policies like life insurance, company life insurances that you may have forgotten about. Prayers sent to you.

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The only thing I can add to anything mentioned here is when dealing with any financial accounts is to update your own pay on death information.
You know your accounts better than any one. Banks, credit unions, life insurance.
Any POA you may have. Your family doctor for your care. ETC.
Contacting the credit reporting companies and have names removed and accounts closed.

My concerns in doing all of the things listed here and more was to protect her reputation from identity theft.

The funeral home, in our case, did not notify social security. I took care of that when I filed for the death benefit ($255.00 or whatever it was).

I had no trouble with our bank or credit union, nor life insurance. But I still needed those death certificates.

The only place I did not need anything was the county buildings/departments.
Voter registration and the jury clerks offices.

I wish you the best with this.

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What great answers! One thing not mentioned yet is the value of your home when you get full ownership. I was advised to have it appraised so I'd know the value of his half when I inherited it. All for possible tax purposes if/when I sell. Another regret was never having written an obituary or even what I wanted said about him at the Memorial Service. I was too numb to think after he died.

I did not have all passwords. And how did he mow the lawn, put the leaves he raked, or even how did he get new checks when he ran out! We divided many chores, and could not cover for each other for some of them. It overwhelmed me after, as did the emotions. Some sound silly now, but everything was huge after he died. Use your friends.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Hugs.

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Check the utilities to make sure your name is on them. Gas, water, electrical, phone, cable ... When I called gas company to tell he had passed, they were going to shut off gas that day! Coldest day of the year. Unless I brought death certificate. You won’t get death certificates for about three weeks.
Don’t tell financial institutions he is deceased until you are ready with death certificate. Order 20 or so.
Get a thousand dollars or so of cash now to help tide you over until things settle in case you can’t access accounts.
Contact his retirement and make sure you are beneficiary.
Will updated.
Safe deposit box.
Any spare keys around that you don’t know what they go to.
Internet passwords
Blessings to you in this difficult time. If you don’t get all this done, you will be ok. I agree with DareDiffer. Please allow yourself to just sit with him. I am sorry.

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As long as they get their money, they won't cut off the power. It does not matter who pays it. When my father died, the phone bill remains under his name and that was 23 years ago. It is still under his name LOL even after mom died I kept it under his name.

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What made a huge difference when my husband passed 15 years ago was our family trust. We didn't need to probate anything, and I have been able to continue our business and sell off most of the properties over time. Work with a reputable elder law attorney as an individual (not a group seminar), and you need an actual will to go with it (a "living will" is for health care, not property) which can be done at the same time as the trust.

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If you do not have joint ownership of your house get a transfer upon death document certified. After the decease change the property title.

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Make sure to check the beneficiary on every single account. The POA is gone the minute your loved one passes away.
I failed to name myself as the beneficiary on one of my Mom’s brokerage accounts with TD Ameritrade and the account went into probate for a few months. I had no access and had to pay my lawyer a couple thousand dollars, and it was a lot of phone calls and footwork to get everything corrected. Make sure to have a list of people and phone numbers to call to inform them of your loved one’s death. I believe the funeral home takes care of the social security call , but you might want to double check, and ask if you need to call Medicare/ Medicaid as well. I’m so sorry that it’s come to this point and my heart goes out to you at this incredibly difficult time. The last week of her ( my Mom’s) life, I put a framed wedding photo of my mom’s grandparents on the wall where she could see it, along with lots of other family photos, had her favorite music playing softly, and some scented candles. I slept in her bed beside her hospital bed every night. I felt like part of me was dying too, as I’m sure you feel. The Lord mercifully took her about a year ago. Of course I still miss so much about her, but the pain is less sharp now. Again, my deepest condolences go out to you.

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Lots of good ideas here. I just want to give you a heads up about credit cards. My husband and I were married 36 years before he passed away 10 years ago. Like most couples, we had credit cards but I never gave it much thought about who opened what account. We both always had privileges and cards of our own on each of the accounts. After he passed away, I decided to pay off one of them and maybe close it out as I didn’t really need all those cards. When I called the bank to do that, they told me I could not cancel the card because I was not primary on the card!! I explained that I had POA and he had passed away but it didn’t matter. Nope...I couldn’t do it. So, I thought, I’ll go into the local branch and explain. Surely this person didn’t understand me. Well, when I sat with the local manager and explained the situation, she agreed with me. I had my POA, death certificate and every other piece of paper. She called for me and THEY TOLD HER THE SAME THING!! Apparently, the main headquarters for this bank were located in another state and they would not recognize the POA!! The manager was as flabbergasted as I was. So, to this day, I get a monthly bill addressed to my husband even though he’s been dead for 10 years!! A monthly reminder that he is no longer with me!! I get other offers for credit cards from other banks and lending institutions in his name as well. I don’t know what credit rating they could be using because everything was out of his name for many years before he passed away. Good luck putting your affairs in order. It certainly can get complicated. So sorry for this stressful time.

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My husband passed this last year. I always paid the bills and handled all household paperwork. I thought everything would be fine after he passed, but I was wrong. As soon as our main credit card company found out about his death, they immediately cancelled the card because he was the primary on the card. I had NO say. I had all our utilities and online banking accounts tied to this card. It was extremely frustrating to have to contact all accounts and change everything. I was already in a weakened emotional state and to have to deal with all this was overwhelming for me. So, my suggestion to Julia Rose is to make sure She is the primary on all credit cards and accounts BEFORE he passes. It will be so much easier later.

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My husband's been gone 17 years and I lost my mother this year. Practically speaking, make sure you are joint owner or pay on death beneficiary on all bank accounts. It will make paying bills and accessing easier. Make sure there are beneficiaries on all investment accounts. Organize photos for a slide show or just to watch when you are lonely or get photos enlarged and framed for display at the funeral. Get passwords to all online accounts, even Facebook. You never know when you have to research an issue or look up a friend because you don't know who they are. Clean the house and frig and car -- you will have visitors. Get the names and contact information for all the services that your husband used to perform (oil changes, car repairs, sprinkler system repair, plumber, electrical, handymen, roofing, etc). Be sure and get plenty of death certificates as you will need them in the future to transfer car titles, apply for benefits, etc. Have spare keys made. Get AAA auto club for the times you might run out of gas, lock yourself out of the car, need towing etc.

For grieving, read Imagine Heaven as it helps to visualize the death experience for him. Start walking in the mornings or whenever. It's easier to continue exercising for your health when you've already started. It will help fight depression.

I agree with others' suggestions to document photos, record reminiscing and record your own ramblings about times together. You will forget.

Regrets? I didn't know when or whom to trust afterwards. When I started selling farm items I got confused and asked one person if they miscounted the cows they bought. I think I hurt their feelings and came across as not trusting. Farm stuff was not my thing and we didn't have great records. In my confusion sometimes I came across and being petty about money. Practice pausing and sleeping overnight before dealing with doubts and money. Money issues can be scary so if you have a financial planner or advisor, it's a good time to bother them and don't feel guilty even to ask about selling cows.

You will get through this. HUGS to you and praying for your recovery.

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Coffeeaddict--I'm going to copy & keep your list of the practical things regarding the house.

One other thing. This may sound silly, but some people stock up on toilet paper & tissues. People DO visit to extend sympathy--and the paper products can run out at the worst time.

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I wish I had had Hospice called in sooner. They were to start the day he died. And then when the nurse did arrive, she acted angry and ran through the bathroom tearing the morphine suppositories out to take away. I don't remember anything else, as he had just died a few hours earlier and was still in denial, but the action and attitude of this nurse was traumatizing.

I also truly wish I had taken FMLA from my job and spent time with him, gotten a loan to help with the $$ and spent time at home with him and our teen-aged children.

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Make sure you order enough Death Certificates. Even if you wind up not using them, they're darned expensive after the first batch.

I had my DH cremated and his ashes are sitting on my hearth. I bought a Living Urn with the idea of planting a tree in his garden, he so loved to garden. But the tree died and I was really glad that I still have the ashes, undisturbed. The company, The Living Urn, sent me a free replacement and I'm glad that I decided to "pot" it the first year because this was an extremely hot summer and I'm sure it wouldn't have made it.

I discussed everything with my DH before he passed except burying him on our property. We already had a double-plot and tombstone in the church cemetery. But he is ok on my hearth until I decide exactly what I want to do.

I opted for no viewing as I didn't want to be seeing strangers telling me how sorry they were. People that didn't see him while he was alive - I didn't need their sympathies after he passed.

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If you husband is a military veteran, visit the locals VA Benefits office. There is paperwork to complete if you are his beneficiary/claimant, and to designate you as his agent to sign anything that may need on his behalf. They do NOT accept any form of POA, they require their docs.

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if you are getting a military stipend all you need to do is call the military authorities and notify them of the death. They will just need a copy or fax of the death certificate, but the moment you call they will terminate the payments. No need to go anywhere.

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Someone mentioned putting bills in your name. I always assumed if a spouse died the name would change to the living spouse at the same address? Is is preferred to change these accounts prior to death?

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There are so many little things to do after a death that even simple tasks like this can be overwhelming, the more that can be accomplished beforehand the better.

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Estate planning--see an eldercare attorney. Keep everything out of probate. Joint bank accounts so you can access his account when he passes and not go through probate. That's right--even if you two are married, you cannot access his account without you being joint owner so it will require a court order to sign it over to next of kin which is spouse. If he has a car, get that tag agency to include your name for auto insurance purposes. Does he have a WILL? You will need a copy of the will for life insurance issues.
(1) The funeral home will automatically notify Social Security electronically. If checks are not adjusted right away, be mindful you will have to pay it back later.

(2) If he is getting a military stipend, get the number to the Defense Finance/Accounting and call them. Do this now and keep it on your refrigerator, so you don't have to spend time looking for it at your most grievous moments.

As for grieving, that process is as individual as the person. It is, however, important you get the business side of death done to assuage the stress. Your mind will be like in a tunnel feeling like flatland.

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If we have POA for each other could there still be an issue with cars? We have done estate planning with a lawyer but your mentioning the car issue made me think to ask?

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Take help when it's offered. Help to run an errand, make you soup, go with you to handle one of the issues. Take it if you can.

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My former husband had cancer, went through radiation & chemo but the cancer spread & he died. I took care of him with the help of hospice but it was very hard watching him lose so much weight. He went from over 200lbs to about 75lbs!!
After his death I felt empty but started to put praise tapes in my player and playing them over and over while praising the Lord. Praising my Lord, Jesus, was the only thing that gave me comfort, strength and peace.
I now am caring for my 81 year old husband who has alzheimers & know that he will leave me for heaven, don't know how soon but try to prepare for it. I am 83 & have some health issues but keep going with my Lord Jesus's help. He is the only way. I KNOW I will see each husband in heaven some day. God bless you

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My 67 yo hubby has walked up to death's door 6 times because of major health issues--Liver transplant, major septic infection, stroke, motorcycle crash, 2 heart attacks--and each time I have sat in the waiting room, all alone, planning a funeral.

He opted for cremation only b/c I did. He has not said what he would like to have as a service, and mine is all planned out. Said to just 'do whatever'.

(He is currently healthy and I am the one battling cancer right now).

So I decided that I would in fact, do "whatever". Probably a viewing for family and friends and then after the cremation, a simple 'gravesite' service. Some music he loved and a few words from each of the kids. No flowers, as he doesn't care, dinner at a restaurant that is not far from the cemetery. He truly does not care.

I am not being snarky, but the only song I can think of that would bring a smile to his face is the Rolling Stones "I can't get no Satisfaction".

I have faced his death so many times---I still think it will be shock to me. He's facing his mother's death, I doubt she'll make it to Christmas, and he is TOTALLY checked out about that.

If the kids want to make it a bigger deal than what I have outlined, they can knock themselves out. Funerals are for the living anyway.

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Mine’s the same way. Wonder how many others?

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Julia Rose, you're wise to think ahead now.    I thought I was prepared, but I never anticipated some of the issues I now face.

1.   I wish I had both of my parents and my sister record their own thoughts of their lives, those kind of meandering topics that flash back in the middle of the night when I wake up and really miss them.

There are aspects of my parents' childhood that I don't remember, and I wish I did.   For me, there's just so much missing that I've either forgotten or never learned when we had leisurely reminiscing discussions about their early years.   It really helps to remember them not only as parents but as people, and the challenges they faced and conquered.

2.    I wish I'd asked to go through their slides and photos, and labeled them all.   I have photos of people I don't know, whether they're relatives or friends, and what they meant to my parents' earlier years.

I began going through some slides yesterday and realized there are dozen, literally dozens if not more, slides, but no narratives.   Were these solo trips my father took?   How old was he at that time?   Were the photos of my mother with her co-workers, or friends?   I don't know, and all my relatives and my parents' friends from those day are also gone.

3.   I had gotten duplicate keys of everything I thought I'd need, but I forgot about security/lock boxes, keys to the little Amigo we got, keys to the trailer.   And titles to the trailer and boat are missing.    Are they hidden somewhere in another safety deposit box, are were they taken by the someone I know was going through my father's belongings and "rearranging" and "indexing" them?   I'll never know.

4.   I should have prepared an inventory of my father's tools. He had an extensive collection, all organized, but now I can't find most of them. The shelves that once were full are now bare.   I think he may have given some away, but I don't know, and I wish I did.

5. I can't find his uniform, medals or parachute.   They meant a lot to me; I should have removed them years ago for safekeeping.   It's the same situation with my mother's wedding ring - it's disappeared.

I have suspicions where these very personal items went, and how they disappeared, but I can't prove it, nor can I get them back.

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I tried to do that - they all laughed and never did. For many Christmases every time I was asked what I’d like I’d say a tape of your favourite songs jokes poetry. Or would you put who is who on the back of the loose photos.
At least I sat down with dad and inventoried key papers documents keys his wishes etc etc.
Things went missing -including tools I would have found useful - but it’s the memories and folks names...

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When he is awake, can you record the two of you reminiscing? Looking at pictures and recalling the good times you shared? Something to watch later when the grief is strong that might remind you that your love is stronger?

I took pics of my FIL with our family about two weeks before he died. I treasure those pictures but wish I would have recorded his voice. I miss seeing and hearing him chuckle.

I hope you have patience with yourself as you face this journey.

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That was really a lovely and profound sentiment, that your love is stronger than your grief. It brought me to tears because I know the grief will seem overwhelming.

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When my husband died I had a period of time when I could not concentrate and I had ZERO patience with frustration or complications involving paperwork, name changes, etc. I went physically to the offices of banks or brokerages and let the professionals help with paperwork. People were kind and patient and knowledgeable and knew how to do things correctly. There is no immediate panic to get things done. Some changes had to be done by telephone. Companies have entire departments for handling these changes. Put yourself in their hands. They will walk you through everything you need to do.

The personal grief and quietness and emotional ups and downs are another thing altogether. I, personally, treasure my solitude so I have no problem with being alone. I spent many hours after my husband's death writing my feelings in a journa! I made heavy use of a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook by James and Friedman. I participated in two bereavement support groups. The best ones encourage people share there emotions and experiences. (I'm NOT a fan of groups that use "workbooks" or have planned speakers or presentations.) You want to hear about real things from others who have been through the same yrauma. I am active in adult education classes and exercise groups at the YMCA which serve as social contacts as well being activities in their own right.
You are doing well to think ahead. Carry on.
Good luck to you.

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