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We have been married 45 years, and we've had a happy relationship. I have been a caregiver for my husband for 7 years, he has Alzheimer's, Vascular Dementia and Severe White Matter Disease. For the past 3 months, he thinks I am his first wife who was abusive, mean and unfaithful. Every day he packs his clothes in boxes, asks me about when he has to move out and he wants to know who all the men are coming and going in the house. When I try to redirect him, he gets angry. I cannot have in home caregiver support, because he thinks they are all coming to flirt with me (men & women). He is on numerous medications to help with his delusions and hallucinations; however, his Dr. keeps adjusting them because they are not helping. I struggle with feeling that I have to pay for all of her mistakes and I am at a loss on how to handle this. He was with her for only 5 years, yet that is where he is stuck. I tell him he is safe with me, I try to redirect him, but nothing works, and then he asks me to take him to his apartment because he has to go before the other men come visiting. I am trying to move him into Memory Care, however, there are no beds currently available, so I am on the waiting list for 6 facilities. I am totally burned out, and I am at a loss on what to say to keep him calm. I would like to try Respite for 2 weeks, but I know that I would not want him to return home. Any advice would be most appreciated.

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Oh, how sad and frustrating this is!
I'm sorry there are no beds available for him in Memory Care. Is he independent enough to be in assisted living? That would play into his notion of moving to an apartment. Is he disabled enough to be in a skilled nursing facility?

Try doing a search for private care homes. That may be a suitable alternative for him until a memory care bed becomes available.

I'm so sad for you - and your husband! Think how awful this must feel for him to be reliving this angst every day!
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Hrmgrandcna Jul 26, 2026
Unfortunately, if her husband does not recognize his wife or understand that he is living in the present, he cannot safely go to assisted living, which is for those without dementia, etc.. He needs assistance.
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Sounds like it may be Capgras Syndrome, and folks with it can be very dangerous and even murder a loved one if they feel threatened.
Please call 911 any time your husband acts out against you, and by all means take advantage of any respite you can afford.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Have you tried Longterm care. There comes a time that even a memory care facility is not enough.

You do need to see an Elder Lawyer about splitting Your assets. His split going towards his care. When almost gone, you apply for Medicaid. Once Medicaid is paying you can remain in your home, have a car, and enough or all your monthly income to live on.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I'm so sorry you have to endure this distressing situation. I know you've said you've tried in-home aids, but have you tried leaving the house when they come? I knew someone whose wife had ALZ and she was constantly thinking he was having an affair: she shadowed him all day long, demanded to know who he was talking to on the phone, on the computer. He refused to transition her into a facility because that was his conviction. But it was driving him to drink, literally. Finally he hired an aid, which she freaked out about. Yet he gave her time to adjust and she slowly did. The aid was wonderful for her, and her husband.

So, my only advice is to continue trying to find an aid or 2 (and the same people consistently would be best, preferably aids who are experienced in dealing with your scenario) and consider leaving the house when they're there to speed up the development of trust. Or, the aid comes and takes him someplace for a few hours so that you can have a break at home.

I wish you success in getting a much needed control back in your life. May you receive refreshment and peace in your heart on the rest of this journey.
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Reply to Geaton777
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This sounds so awful for you. Other than placement in memory care, respite, and more med adjustments, all I can suggest is a home health worker and you arrange to leave the home as soon as they arrive and they leave as soon as you return. That way, he does not see you in the same room with the aide. Yes, he could still imagine and accuse that they are flirting with you when he is not present, but he could do that no matter what.

Or what about wearing headphones so you can’t hear him for periods of time? I know that sounds dangerous but maybe it could help get you through a day while you figure out a more lasting solution. I know of caregivers who do this to drown out continuous groaning or whistling or shouting so why not the kind of unbearable verbal he is making.
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Reply to Suzy23
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Get him to respite as soon as possible and get a break from this.

What you are experiencing is a form of looping and it's not anything you can do to get him out of this.

Have you considered placement?
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Reply to Scampie1
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I am so sorry for you, and for him too. The only idea I have is for you to pretend to be someone different – not his current wife (you) because that isn’t working, but also not his first wife. A carer perhaps, if you can dress up a bit like a nurse. You can be a very loving nurse, and perhaps tell him that he has come to a new place after an accident – which caused amnesia. See if you can show him that his body is now many years older than the time he was with his first wife.

The most important thing right now is to get him out of his old time horrible situation.

I hope that some medication will solve the problem, and that you can live through this difficult time until then.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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