Mom has been in the hospital 4 times since January. Once for a mild heart attack, twice for hernia bowel obstruction, and most recently fractured hip from a fall. She's been in rehab for one week so far and wants to go home. She has dementia which has been steadily progressing. She doesn't understand why we can't come in to see her. We window visit twice per day and one video call. My brother and SIL also visit at least once per day. My problem is how do I tell her that she's going to be staying in the NH permanently after rehabbing is done? I feel horrible when she almost cries about coming home. I've been her sole caregiver through all of this since she refused outside help after a few weeks of visiting nurse, PT an OT. Because I'm the health care proxy and POA, my brother says I have to make a decision about her staying permanently. I feel so guilty even thinking about it and so anxious. I am 60 with my own health issues including a broken foot but I persevered through all of it to keep my mom home. I am so torn. She doesn't even realize that she has dementia so broaching the subject is tough. Any thoughts on what to say or not say is much apprectiated.
Basically, you can't reason with someone who has dementia and it gets worse over time.
It sounds like she's where she needs to be at this time of her life and her level of health. She would only get more difficult to care for at home even with your broken foot well.
I hope you did not promise to not place her in a nursing home when you were a little girl? That's not realistic for you don't really know what you are promising. If your mother asked you to promise, then that was not fair.
It may help to talk about your feelings of guilt with the NH social worker either on the phone or virtually if he or she can do that.
I don't think telling her she has dementia would help! She's either going to get upset and strongly deny it or forget that you told her.
You really can't tell someone with dementia what to do. You have to find ways to invite then to do what you want them to do. Like, mom how about I ask the social worker or doctor to talk with you about that? That's guiding without telling and she'll likely forget it anyway.
I wish you the best.