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My mother lives with me and her and her sister used to talk about living with each other when they were old. Mind you, this was over 30 years ago when they would have these talks. A few years ago my aunt came to visit and made a joke about if her husband dies, she'd come live with us. We kind of laughed it off and didn't respond. My mom does not want her to live with us and I don't either.



My aunt's husband just died and she asked if she could have an extended visit at our home because she doesn't know where to go. She does have health problems and probably shouldn't live alone, however she also has four children. She has her own home and one of her children lives nearby. I called one of her kids and explained why she can't come for a long visit but that my mom could visit her for a short time so she isn't alone but I'm afraid she's going to try and come to my home at the end of my mother's visit. Her and my mother will probably get into a fight if they spend too much time together, as well. They were close when they were young but have had several fights through the years and gone long periods without speaking.



She can't live here, I work fulltime and am barely keeping my head above water managing my mom and her needs, doctor appointments, 'behavior'. My aunt has complex health needs and I imagine a lot of doctor appointments, etc. How do I nicely explain to my cousins that she is their responsibility ?

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Yes, the OP never let her Aunt move in. She also did nothing for her. The Aunt ended up moving and the Aunt passed.
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Start with , "I work fulltime...." then make it obvious that you take care of your Mom and they Must take care of their Mom. Stick with what you do and point out there is no room for anyone else. Stay calm, stick to facts, keep your cool. Avoid the visiting issue or tell them visits are just that, visits! 1 day to have lunch. No overnights. Dont fight. Its way OK to say No. Give them Aging Care Info!
Put the ball in their court.
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This is a post from 2022. The OP has not been back for a long time. Aunt moved and at last posting the OP did not know where she was. Aunt was told from the first post that OP would not be allowing her to move in or care for her. It was the Aunt who was not excepting and causing the problem.
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sp196902 Mar 10, 2024
The aunt died.
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I went through this with my selfish cousins, your cousins don't want to take care of her so they are trying to use you! Don't
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Your mother can’t live here. She is your responsibility
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Naia, this post is from 2022. The OP solved her problem by telling Aunt her and Mom were not her care option. She could not have the Aunt live with her. She did nothing for the Aunt. Aunt moved to be near a daughter. Last OP heard, Aunt had moved to another State. No updates since then. You can read OPs updates.
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292 answers should be our first clue, ha ha ha.
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I think some of these new posters read nothing except the original question – not even the date! They waste their time and everyone else's. I wonder what they think they are achieving.
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Simple out, she has family and she should look to them for support, whether in their home or hers.
You have a full plate, caring for your mom and your family/marriage. Do not feel obligated to take on any prior arrangement between your Aunt & mom. Priority is YOUR marriage and peace of mind.
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That was nice fantasizing about being in a nursing home together. If they did the work they would not even ask. Tell them they need to do what you are doing. Unbelievable someone would ask. It's like having a child and wanting someone else to raise it. Prepare a list of some practices you find helpful. Oh, and wish them well.
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JoAnn29 Jul 2023
This post is from 2022. There have been updates the last one saying the Aunt had picked up and moved away not even telling the OPs Mom, her sister. She moved nearer to a daughter I think. So, seems Aunt could do for herself.

Please check dates before responding. Even 2 months is pretty far out. It brings the post back to the top. Set the thread to "newest first". Then you see the updates.
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Please, do not post to questions this old. The OP has gotten this all figured out from the beginning. She never took on the care of her Aunt. Never dis anything for her. She had enough on her plate with her Mom and work. This post went so long because OP would update us. The last update Aunt had moved and did not contact the OPs Mom, her sister. She is living too far away for OP to even considering her helping her.
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Thats going to be a difficult conversation but honestly just as you stated it sounds fine. Just tell her you and your mom are doing all you can do to make it and you simple are not capable of having another someone. Suggest your mom visiting for short periods. She may have hurt feelings a little, hopefully she will get over it.
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Like the others have said… just say no.

Here are some tips to help in your communications with your cousins and aunt.

Also, realize your mom is probably avoiding the topic with her sister so you will have to be the bad guy in this situation.

Boundaries:

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries. Family members:

• ask permission.

• take one another’s feelings into consideration.

• are honest and direct.

• clearly communicate their wants, needs, and feelings.

• give each other space.

• avoid codependent behaviors.

• show respect for differing perspectives, opinions, and feelings.

Here are some phrases that might help:
Excerpt from the setting healthy boundaries worksheet link below: 

“I appreciate your concern, but this is my decision.” 

“I respect your opinion, but I don’t share it.”

“I will no longer be in the middle of family conflict.”

“Please stop asking/saying/doing _________.”

“I understand your frustration, but I am choosing __________.”


What are boundaries?
https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/what-are-boundaries/

Setting Healthy Boundaries
https://www.betweensessions.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/Setting-Healthy-Boundaries-with-Family-Members_ad_040622-1.pdf
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Hothouseflower Apr 2023
Thanks, this is useful.
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After all this, we are all wondering if the daughter now knows she is in her town, and is helping her....?
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2023
Old posting from 2022. I don’t know why these old posts are recycled while new posts fall through the cracks.
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I love it. She wanted people to worry a bit yet her move went unnoticed for 2 months!
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This question was posted April of 2022. The OP already had her mind set that she was not going to help her Aunt, just looking for a nice way of telling her No. Which was done and the OP stuck by her guns. What we get now are updates.
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Why do so many people have trouble simply telling the truth? Tell them and also your aunt that your hands are full and you are in no position to take her in, and she is their responsibility. If anyone gets mad they will get over it or not. But, if you don’t stand up you will end up with your aunt living with you. If you really don’t want that to happen get a backbone and speak! Once you do you will feel better and maybe you can begin to manage what you have on your hands already, in a better way.
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Thanks so much for the update. Glad to see u stuck to your guns. Yes, funny how she wanted you to do everything for her and wanting u to drive her to her own home, what 3 hrs away, to get her things and then is able to move herself states away!

Are you planning on telling ur cousin? Well now you and Mom know she was playing you. And that Aunt she was taking advantage of doesn't have to do for her anymore. Would love to know how she did it.
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EN,

My gosh! She actually wanted people to “worry a little bit.” Geeeez, that’s telling, isn’t it?

You don’t need that kind of crap in your life. Good riddance!
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I have an interesting update. I was driving past aunt's apartment several days ago and I saw through the open blinds that it was completely empty. Naturally this peaked my curiosity so I asked another aunt if she had moved. This aunt tried to deflect, distract, divert, etc. from the whole topic but eventually shared that aunt had moved two months ago. She didn't want anyone to know because she wanted people 'to worry a little bit'. Not only did she move but she moved several states to the town where one of her daughters live. Daughter has no idea that her mom has moved to her city. They still are not speaking and only communicate through the internet.

I am amazed aunt was able to organize entire move like this by herself and find another place to live several states away. I guess she's not as helpless as she would have everyone believe.
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polarbear Mar 2023
That is interesting. Perhaps she was playing helpless to get everyone to do things for her to "prove" that they cared about her, just like she wanted everyone "to worry a little bit."
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This is an old post which covers a long and changing complex situation. It's probably not a good idea to bring it back up - better for OP to start a new thread, from the current situation onwards.
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Dear cousins, I am struggling to take care of my own mother while working. You are going to have to make arrangements for your own mother as I cannot take on that responsibility. Whether you take her in or you place her somewhere is your call. Do let me know what you decide so that we can make sure the sisters are able to keep in touch. Zoom, facetime, cards and letters, etc.

Once you are knee deep into it, call me and we can commiserate with one another.

Simple as that. What come back could they possibly have...it's their mother!
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JoAnn29 Jan 2023
Yes, this post started April of 2022. OP has stepped back from this Aunt. OP has a f/t job and caring for her own mother. Has no idea why this Aunt feels OP should do for her. She has her own children and siblings. OP has handled the situation.
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OMG just looked at the original date of your post, April! Where did that time go? And why now, because of the holidays, she wants an invite? Really, you know you cannot do these type of people any favors. It opens the door. Or they think so. Such a shame people do not see that what they say and do or don't do drives people away.

I do feel guilty about not inviting a friend to Christmas dinner. There was enough food and room. But she was such a downer at times. And took the littlest kindness from someone and thought they wanted to be her forever friend. It was sad. She made her problems. She was her own worst enemy. Yep, she would have expected it every Christmas. I am not sure if she was invited anywhere, she was estranged from her kids. So, I know how you feel with this Aunt.
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Just say no.
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See if quiet resumes or the little requests start up again.

Don't be tempted to get 1% involved.

If Aunt A starts again with requests for Aunt B in any way it may be time for a blunt chat again. "I don't help at all with Aunt B anymore".

Suggest a taxi.
Let them decide to use or not.
Consequences are theirs.
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So that was 30 years ago. Things change.
You cannot take care of 2 people, one is more than enough.
Tell them politely or not, it is not feasible.
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Leave a voicemail on your phone letting them know you MOVED AWAY and left no forwarding address.

The nerve of some people is mind-boggling; to be calling you multiple times a day and expecting you to drop what you're doing and be their delivery/drop off service is beyond absurd.
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EmotionallyNumb Dec 2022
And it wasn't even for anything important! Furthermore, Aunt still hasn't unpacked the boxes from when she moved in to the apartment six months ago, what could be so urgent that she suddenly needs more boxes? They said that we packed the boxes too heavy for her to lift but we just told them to take one thing off the top of the box at a time and eventually they will get through the boxes.
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Emotionally, just say no. You found out that B Aunt is capable of getting herself transportation. Why could not A Aunt take the boxes over? Or is she the one close to B Aunt in age.

The next time A Aunt calls, tell her you do not want to be involved with A Aunts problems. You don't have the time. Tell A Aunt if B Aunt is overwhelming her, she needs to tell her sister she needs to do it herself or enter an AL where she can be cared for. You have your Mom and a job, enough on your plate. Time for cousins and Aunts children to get involved.
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EmotionallyNumb Dec 2022
No, she's actually like 15 years younger, she's just an uber hermit. She can drive and has a car but has neglected renew her license for about a year. As far as I am aware, the cousins still aren't speaking to their mom.
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So A was recruited as B's 'flying monkey'? But then a taxi ride sorted it out easily instead? Hmm. Something smells fishy..
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Some weird things happened with my aunt over the last week. One of my other aunts (A) called me last weekend, 8 days ago, and asked me take some boxes over to this aunt's (B) house, Aunt B is the one the whole thread is about. The boxes were at A's house and needed to go to B's house. I said maybe in a couple of days I could drop them off but that I was busy for the next couple of days. Then Aunt A tells me that she wants me to call her before going over B's house so that she can call and let B know that I am on the way. I asked why and A said so that B can put some stuff on the patio that she wants me to take back over to A's house. I also said why don't I just call B when I am on the way instead of using A as the middle man? A didn't have an answer for this. So then as the weekend goes on, A calls at least five times to check on when we are going to drop the boxes off.
So as time passes, I started to get annoyed and I realized the reason that B wants us to call A when we are on the way over is so she can avoid us and not answer the door or see us when we are running her errand. While I don't want to see B, I find it very offensive that she is trying to use another person to get me to run an errand for her, then wants me to call this person when I am almost to her house so she can have a warning to hide from me. And she can't answer the phone when I am taking time out of my busy day to do her a favor?
So while I am taking some time figuring out how I want to proceed in this situation, Aunt A keeps calling 3-4 times per day probably Aunt B's behest. This is not an emergency, it's just some boxes and I never committed to a day or time when A called last weekend. I finally answered one of A's calls on Wednesday and she said that B had decided to take a cab over and get the boxes herself. I thought, perfect, problem solved! All was quiet for 3 days, now A has started calling again. What little game has B come up with now?
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CTTN55 Dec 2022
Aunt A is similar to when your mother was trying to get you to do things for Aunt B. Aunt A has probably become overwhelmed with Aunt B's demands. I suggest you do the same as you had to do with your mother, which is refuse to participate in doing things for Aunt A that pertain to Aunt B.
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