My mother lives with me and her and her sister used to talk about living with each other when they were old. Mind you, this was over 30 years ago when they would have these talks. A few years ago my aunt came to visit and made a joke about if her husband dies, she'd come live with us. We kind of laughed it off and didn't respond. My mom does not want her to live with us and I don't either.
My aunt's husband just died and she asked if she could have an extended visit at our home because she doesn't know where to go. She does have health problems and probably shouldn't live alone, however she also has four children. She has her own home and one of her children lives nearby. I called one of her kids and explained why she can't come for a long visit but that my mom could visit her for a short time so she isn't alone but I'm afraid she's going to try and come to my home at the end of my mother's visit. Her and my mother will probably get into a fight if they spend too much time together, as well. They were close when they were young but have had several fights through the years and gone long periods without speaking.
She can't live here, I work fulltime and am barely keeping my head above water managing my mom and her needs, doctor appointments, 'behavior'. My aunt has complex health needs and I imagine a lot of doctor appointments, etc. How do I nicely explain to my cousins that she is their responsibility ?
Didn't Aunts siblings say they could help? Have you asked your Aunt why she feels you are her go to person when her siblings seem willing to help. If in their 60s like you said, then some are retired? so have more time on there hands then you.
I know, you have told her and now its a manipulation. Good for you you did not pick up the phone. Keep those boundries up for you. Mom also needs to understand that Aunt going thru her is not going to work either.
As far as groceries. Once a month go over and check on her. Help her order right then and there. Tell her you are not coming back to re order if she forgets or under orders so either she learns how to do this or she waits another month until you can visit again. You could probably have a standard weekly order also set up automatically for bread and milk, etc.
Why did you have the final stuff she needed to send in? And now that she's lost the form from the company, what is going to happen?
If she doesn't talk to her doctor about antidepressants, but instead takes (probably too much?) Ativan, then there is really nothing you can do.
Find the cheapest cab company and post the number, that way she isn't left without transportation and she might be motivated to get set up with paratransit after paying for a few cab rides. In my city, the paratransit has contracts with a cab company and you can prepay for cheaper cab fare, like $6 a ride. One thing I don't know if anybody mentioned, to have access to the paratransit requires an application from the department of transportation and can take up to 8 weeks to get your card, so she will need a different option until that goes through.
Sounds like you have some understanding with her children at this point, I am sorry that she is being a vampire with you.
So the lessons on online grocery-ordering and rent-paying didn't go so well.
What's going to happen when she's out of groceries and her rent is due? You wrote that she can just go to a nursing home, but you know that isn't going to happen yet.
There must be so many people in this situation: family too far/family can't do/estranged or without any family.
Here we have a 'package' from the Gov't. This is needs assessed (good) but can be up to a 2 yr waitlist (not good) so many have to privately fund first. May cover things like grocery assistance, fortnightly housecleaning, maybe some garden maintenance.
Of course, globally I am sure there are people that look for such help & services & people that shun it. People probably shun for different reasons: strongly independant, possibly too proud, lack of insight they need help, fear of strangers, bad previous experiences. Maybe feel entitled to service provided by younger family members. Or even just that 'others' must look after them - maybe stemmed from never living alone or being a 'bread-winner'.
Many older women only left their parents home to marry after all.
I've met many older women who started married life doing the the weekly shopping but the shop accounts, utilities & bills were all paid once a month/quarter by their husbands. Yet as widows learnt to sign cheques, read bank statements, then learnt ATMs & now electronic banking.
But there are also people that *learned helpnessness*. This got others to do things for them.
I wonder if HE was pushing for a move to a more manageable place?
And if the online grocery ordering and paying rent online doesn't work, then what happens? Can any of her siblings handle this for her? What HAVE they offered to do for her? Has she even asked them?
You'll have to let us know how this goes.
"I tried to do it [call the county] when she was at her home and she told the person she didn't need an appointment when they called."
And, respecting her right to make decisions for herself, you took her word for it and left it at that.
Oh wait! No, you respected her right to decide she'd rather move to the town where you live instead and brought her home with you.
I'd say she's done a pretty impressive job of making her horse drink so far.
If she starts making noises about wanting to go back to her house, for goodness sake TAKE HER, call the county to report her situation, and run like the wind.
Not sure if I have already said this but one of the things said in the book Boundries mentioned is "when you say NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive". I think its a good thing to, again, have a little talk with Aunt without Mom present. I would first ask her why she seems to be targeting you, especially when she has siblings. Tell her that you realize that she has had alot happen to her and you sympathize with that but...she cannot depend on you. You have a job and Mom, thats is quite enough on your plate. Mom can't help her because she as her own limitations. She must take advantage of what is offered to her. She must ask help from her siblings. Tell her she needs to stop going thru your Mom to guilt you into helping. If she finds she cannot be on her own, then she has to make the decision to go into an AL where her needs will be met. But she is wrong if she thinks you and Mom are the answer, your not. If she continues to think that whining and crying will get her into your home, she is wrong. Ain't going to happen. What will happen if she continues to whine and cry will be that you block all contact.
Don't you wish now you had called APS, claimed she was a vulnerable Senior and gave them her children's phone numbers.
You're right, I wouldn't be involved if it wasn't for my mom.
EB, do you see a therapist regularly? I realized that aunt isn't a client and thus not a work issue. However, you keep taking on her problems as your own, and you have a hard time setting boundaries and saying no. What would you advise yourself as a client? What would your therapist advise you?
This aunt is one of only about three people in the world that I could get into this situation with and that is mainly because of her relationship with my mom. Would I help other family members if they were in this situation? Yes, but not to this extent.
This is called having boundaries.
"No, I can't possibly do that".
"You'll have to make other arrangements."
"You need to hire help for that."
Townsend and Cloud wrote a wonderful book called Boundaries. Read it.
She is not on your caseload.
It seems to me that you need to tell your MOM that you are in charge of who you invite to stay.
From April 27th: "I will not let her live with me but I could help her find an apartment in a place that has services to meet her needs."
Well indeed, and help you did, in spades. Here she is in your town, all accomplished in one month.
So she is making the decisions and to date at least you have very efficiently facilitated them. I'm not sure that that isn't *worse*!!! And I'll bet you anything you like it won't stop aunt alleging that you "made her" do it.
You have rescued a scorpion. A poor squashed little scorpion having a cruelly rough time, granted, but nonetheless a scorpion.
Would your professional network include people who can take her on as a client? She is going to need a lot of support in the coming months, and it mustn't come from you.
EN, were you aware of that pattern when you decided that you couldn't leave your aunt to manage alone where she was?
I really hope you weren't. I hope this history has emerged from recent conversations, and that at the critical time you didn't appreciate what a risk your aunt poses to your mother's wellbeing.
Having it out with aunt, even aside from your mother's fears, would be an exercise in futility. You can have it out with her every day until Kingdom Come and she will continue to ignore and undermine boundaries. Don't waste your breath.
Don't have it out with aunt, and don't involve your mother in developing ways to restrict aunt's demands. Look at the situation in practical, day-to-day terms and make decisions for yourself and mother about what access aunt is allowed to your and mother's lives.
OTHER PEOPLE can support your aunt. I deeply regret that she has moved to your town, but now that she's there you need to find a way to limit her impact.
Don’t “tell my mom I'm going to have it out with aunt”. Just do it. Even better, just act it. Get out of the toxicity, with no discussions, no excuses, no explanations, no regrets.
And please consider my suggestion about going through the whole thread and asking yourself ‘why?’.
EN, Very Well Said!
🌞🌞🌞
Add to the Aging Care collection favs;
I am not your maid.
I am not a restaurant.
This is not a cruise ship.
😆
Perhaps going again through this long long thread from the beginning might help you to get a handle on your own thought processes. It could stand you in good stead for the future.
Why didn’t you find out more about the suicide? Why make up your own mind about what ‘had to happen’. Not get more information from your cousins? Not take the comments on the site more seriously?
Why did you feel you ‘had to’ step in immediately, not let things settle down? Why feel forced to take responsibility? Why be so sure that it would work out the way you imagined it?
This is not an attempt to blame, or to make you feel bad. But the whole situation has been (and continues to be) so awful, step after step, that it really is worthwhile trying to understand how and why you went through it.
This is a suggestion for self-therapy, if you don’t like the idea of a therapist (or can’t find the time or the money). If you do try therapy, it would be a good place to start from.
You are a good, good person. Don’t let it hurt you! Love, Margaret
I did not take the reins, I have only been trying to help her get to a safe place to live and now she is.
I guess the tough walk to her apartment will keep her at home or make her a bit stronger.
She will have something to say about everything, so learning to grey rock is going to be beneficial for you.
Best of luck, this started as a no win situation, that couldn't be helped, you couldn't leave her with no services available, and it will end that way. Coming to terms with that now will help you and your mom not feel bad when she has meltdowns.
No other action is warranted. If she's going to have panic attacks, she needs a higher level of care. The hospital can ascertain that.
Not your job.
EN, have you considered seeking therapy to work on this difficulty you seem to have with saying "no" firmly to family members?
Auntie is 88, frail and not in good health. If she had the sense God gave a goat, she'd have moved in to a supportive housing situation, like an AL.
Like many here, you are awaiting the "crisis"--a fall or illness that will send Aunt to the hospital. Then she goes to rehab and, one hopes, LTC. Or the cycle continues a few more rounds until the hospital/rehab realizes she is no longer a "safe discharge".
You are going to need every bit of psychological strength not to swoop in and try to rescue her.