My mother lives with me and her and her sister used to talk about living with each other when they were old. Mind you, this was over 30 years ago when they would have these talks. A few years ago my aunt came to visit and made a joke about if her husband dies, she'd come live with us. We kind of laughed it off and didn't respond. My mom does not want her to live with us and I don't either.
My aunt's husband just died and she asked if she could have an extended visit at our home because she doesn't know where to go. She does have health problems and probably shouldn't live alone, however she also has four children. She has her own home and one of her children lives nearby. I called one of her kids and explained why she can't come for a long visit but that my mom could visit her for a short time so she isn't alone but I'm afraid she's going to try and come to my home at the end of my mother's visit. Her and my mother will probably get into a fight if they spend too much time together, as well. They were close when they were young but have had several fights through the years and gone long periods without speaking.
She can't live here, I work fulltime and am barely keeping my head above water managing my mom and her needs, doctor appointments, 'behavior'. My aunt has complex health needs and I imagine a lot of doctor appointments, etc. How do I nicely explain to my cousins that she is their responsibility ?
Get Aunt into that apartment ASAP. Check on her once every other week. Make it very clear to her you are not a daily resource.
I've been wondering about this. WHY is aunt "staying over" with OP and her mother, especially knowing that aunt's ultimate goal is moving in with OP and her mother?
The mother is scared of sister/aunt. OP still hasn't set any boundaries with aunt. The entire thing is insane. Clearly OP needs to gave an actual conversation with aunt and lay it all out there. The aunt should never have moved until her house was sold and the aunt made her own living arrangements.
Let this story be a warning to anyone considering doing what OP has done. No good deed goes punished but those who do bad things seldom get punished (yes auntie iam talking about you).
EN, you *really* need to get this lady off your hands altogether.
EN - I can see why your mother is afraid of aunt. My take on this is that aunt was trying to intimidate your mother by throwing and breaking things. OK, so she was hurt and angry at her children, but notice that she didn't CRY as she usually does in front of you. And for her to act perfectly normal shortly after that performance shows she's very calculating and cold.
Yes, creepy. I agree.
If you can't be there, make sure someone else is. Otherwise at all times mother must have a prior engagement if aunt asks her to visit or suggests coming to see her.
I love all my clients, I make a point of it. I don't care what they're like, every unique personality adds spice to my job. So I hate to say this, but your aunt is viral. Do not let her infect your mother. And train mother in kind ways to end telephone conversations, too.
Sheesh.
Next time Auntie wants you to go to the store you could tell her, "you don't want to do that, they'll take your money".
I have a niece that does the hinting around for you to do it or offer to do it. It is intended to get what they want and to be able to say they never asked you for anything.
I am beginning to understand why her children backed all the way away. That type of personality doesn't know the meaning of gratitude, it's all about getting what they want without ever having to ask or say thank you. Mostly you will hear, oh you didn't have to do that. UGH!
The children said she's very manipulative. The main reason they backed away was they blame her for their father's death. There are a lot of things she did that sound very cruel and honestly scary if its true.
Give her the number. She is to ask for a "needs assessment" and "case management".
You are expending all of your energy providing care for your mom. You are halfway to burnout there. Don't foolishly take on an additional eldercare assignment. There are resources out there. Point her toward them.
So.....? You have got to get past the significant (to you) hurdle of what Auntie does or doesn't want. Barb's "You'll have to make other arrangements" is the phrase that will automatically roll off your lips until she accepts your boundaries.
Eh?
AL does not TAKE your money. You SPEND, i.e., feely exchange, your funds for housing, care and food.
Is her current apartment "taking" her money?
"What are you saving your money for, Aunt?
Is she saving it to leave to her kids who aren't assisting her?
You know, if they heard she was going to b AL (and spending "their" inheritance), they might have a change of heart.
She needs help but doesn’t want to pay for help. Of course, she’s counting on your goodwill to keep giving her free help.
Call the coast guard instead. Blow the whistle on her now so she gets OTHER help.
Start by writing to her new Doctor. Not the whole story - just an outline will do: recent widow, not coping, family can't do it all & are stepping back. Probably needs AL.
Then Barb's "You'll have to make other arrangements". On repeat.
Whether you call it Tough Love, or being cruel to be kind - this will keep you from drowning. This will mean she has to start accepting NON-YOU help.
EN, the time has certainly come for a sit down with your Aunt. I would make her aware that you are simply not willing and not available to assist her and that she needs a life-style change. Rather than living in a regular apartment, she may need to consider Assisted Living, or a senior apartment with services.
"You'll have to make other arrangements" is phrase I find useful.
You: Auntie, I've helped you A LOT already and I am burned out with helping you.
I am at the end of my rope with helping you.
I don't want to help anymore, and I won't help anymore.
You need to find other ways to get to the doctors, to get your groceries, to get back to your old house, etc.
Do not call my number.
Do not call my mother.
(This is where she starts crying...)
Please call someone else for help.
Call someone else to cry to.
I am done. At least for a long while.
If and when I have time, I will call and chat with you.
Bye auntie.
Hang up or leave.
The other alternative is to ghost her.
My MIL was English, a warbride. She went to the store almost everyday which according to my SIL who was stationed there, the English seem to do daily. My FIL retired and found out what she had been doing and put a stop to it. She told him she needed honey, he told her to use the sugar. My Mom did not drive. My Dad got paid every two weeks. On payday he took her to the store to get groceries. That's the only time she went. We did have milk delivery.
I see no problem doing for Aunt occasionally. If you and Mom go grocery shopping then you can ask if she wants to go but make her aware she better get what she needs. I didn't realize I was setting boundries with Mom and she excepted it. We went shopping once a week and ran errands. We shared the same Bank and pharmacy. Both not 5 min away from my house. Went by the pharmacy every day so no problem picking up her order. But, nothing was an emergency so did it in my time. Always my time unless an emergency.
I know you feel like a meany but you need to stick by ur guns. One Aunt I had I would have done anything for the other I told Mom not to volunteer me to do something for her. Keep reminding them and yourself, you told them you wouldn't help her anymore than you had.
Yes, its sad. Your Aunt is where she is because of herself. Hard at 88 to come to the realization that she is alone. She will latch on anyone she can. That does not need to be you. You cannot take on anymore than you already have. Point her in the direction of her siblings. She needs a ride to the doctor, sign her up with senior bussing. Here you call 2 days in advance of the appt.
Also tell her if she gets to the point she is not capable if caring for herself, she will need to go to an AL or LTC. So hold on to any proceeds she gets from the house because she will need them for her care.
Maybe telling her that behavior only gets her less help might help?
Manipulative seniors know they are manipulative, they've had decades to perfect their technique. So don't think for one minute she doesn't know what she's doing, she does and does it so well, you question whether she knows or not! Sounds like perfected to second nature.
Best of luck out maneuvering this professional! She sounds like she is really good at what she does.
I can bet you will be taking your aunt back home to take care if her business too.
And baby carrots are a marketing gimmick.
Colleen Pell.
I am sure you are a good hearted person but you will need to harden that heart when it comes to this Aunt. She is passive aggressive. She thinks by dropping little "hints" you will finally do what she wants. Every time she does this, you have to put her straight. Sorry Auntie, ain't going to happen. You are not responsible for this woman. If anyone is, its her kids. Next her siblings if they want to help. And that is what it should be, help when they want to. I bet your Aunt feels by pushing herself into your life, you will eventually allow her to move in.
My MIL would get into her head I needed something. I would say No, I don't need that. One thing was clothes and jewelry. Told her no clothes because I range from a sm to a lg and jewelry, I don't wear it. She would buy them anyway and then get upset when I didn't appreciate the gesture. No, the clothes didn't fit.
Stick by your guns. You layed it on the line when u brought her to your town to be closer to her siblings. You will just need to keep reminding her and hopefully eventually she will stop asking. And the deposit box, sorry NO I cannot do that maybe one of the Aunts will be willing to drive you and maybe stay overnight.
The one thing my daughter liked about the book Boundries was:
When you say No, you are not responsible for the reaction u get.
The issue today is that she keeps asking questions that I cannot possible know the answer too. Or she says things like she's being helpful but it's really trying to get you to do something. For example, there's a box of her stuff in my trunk and she asked what was in it and I said I dont know, so she very nicely suggested I get it out bring it in and find out what's in it so that I can fit her walker in my trunk more easily.
She has also today started talking about needing to make an urgent trip to her town to clean out her safe deposit box, during the week of course. Her town is like 5 hours away and there is not even a sliver of a possibility that I will be assisting in this. This is like the fourth thing she has tried to bring up that would require a special trip during the week back to her town. I work and I'm not using my PTO to drive 10 hours round trip for her.
Once you get her into her apartment and fully stocked you need to stay away for awhile so she gets used to her new normal. I bet you see now why her kids are staying away.