How do you deal with being a family caregiver?

I'm going to be totally pragmatic. Contact Aging and Independent Services for information on resources that meet your needs and schedule a social worker to come out and do a home evaluation. There are day care and respite programs out there to benefit you both. Get her doctor involved, dementia/Alzheimer's is a disability. E.g., physical therapy can be offered in your home for an hour at a cost of $10 through Medicare. You need to "get a life, dear." 👍

... well heck, I hear ya on feelin the obligation from when you were a kid .. I do, but I'd think if he's declining Michael he may even benefit from a 24 hour care facility, if u know what I mean. Like I said a couple comments above, maybe Just give calling and setting up an In/home meeting with someone that can really assist (help by guiding her from a non family attatchement) ur aunt (my guess is because of the situation, if he's placed she can temporarily qualify for welfare and food stamps during her transition back into the working world) ...regardless, having a counselor (or what ever they call themselves) will take the heavy pressure off u and allow you to take easier steps to separate yourself while you also know he's going to be alright (and again, allows ur aunt another person to start turning to) ~

michael...why do you let her harass you like that??? you reeeaaallly need to stand up for yourself!!

Michael, you really need to get out of that living situation. No one is saying don't help but you can't do it 24/7 anymore. You also realize that once Grandpa goes aunt will expect you to stay on to take care of her right?

Move out and start your own life. Offer to help aunt a day or two after work and maybe a Saturday.

When I first found this site there were alot of people posting with the same attitude as sweetevelyn....if you were acting like to was an honor to give up your life in the care of another there was something defective in you. I am very glad to see more people telling the truth about how they really feel being a caregiver.

I agree with Carla. People need to have their own plan and not rely on others for 'free' care. Getting some help from family is acceptable but if you cannot do basic things for yourself it is time to get a professional involved.

When my father lived on his own I would help with the grocery shopping. And that was difficult just to try and plan my life around that. When he had a health issue he ran me ragged. Called me at work and expected me to pick up and run to his aid. He would often expect that for something as silly as a the remote not working. I changed jobs and no longer work around the corner from him so he had to learn to do alot of things on his own. But I would still get the phone calls for the daily crisis. My stomach would go into knots every time the phone would ring. Every conversation with him started with "I have a problem.....". I could no longer deal with the never ending neediness. I was willing to help him when he truly needed it but once you do that they 'need' you for everything. My life has been so much easier since he moved to assisted living.

Please don;t be hard on your siblings...they knew they could not handle being a caregiver. They were also smart enough not to get trapped/guilted into doing it. I don;t mean to be harsh but that is really what it is. I have little sympathy for those who complain about having to do everything....because you don't have to, you chose to do it. You don;t have to do everything, just do what you want to do and that's all.

People who call themselves "sweet," e.g. "sweet evelyn" have to remember what their forum name is for when the acrimonious side of their mouth opens up. LOL!

.... ikdrymom.... I have to most seriously argue your last paragraph. No way in h*ll should he go light on any siblings refusing or ignoring a situation of his or his grandfathers need. Their "help could be in many forms, talking, actually helping in spending time, spending money to help fund his care in the areas that are needed, even trying to find a better way, a plan could be created by all of them getting him on waiting lists or registered into a facility, etc etc etc. Dead beat siblings (non-involved, non-assisting children of the elder parent/s) do not get clemency, they do not get a pat on the back "Good for you for being smart enough for turning your back"... are you freaking kidding me! No seriously what in the h*ll is the matter with you ...unless, are you one of those dead beats?

Then you go on to say you have little sympathy for those who complain about doing everything?... wow, did you think these people may have no g-damn person to talk to and absolutely no where to turn and they are literally stuck in limbo or stuck between help or walk away and abandon another human being..so they are simply releasing some pent-up truths of their own situations????

Then you say a person chooses to be in the position of care, that they dont have to be? God... Sure everyone should just throw the elder in the car and drive them to the nearest nursing home, right.... No really, have you ever read all the different scenarios that actually take place that leaves only one person in the care of another??? Have you?? I'm actually quite p*ssed about what youve said. Take me for instance, I am in literal limbo and "stuck" with having to care for my 76 yr old dementia sufferer, mom .... why? because she was wrongfully evicted from an assisted living facility (they stole nearing 10k of her belongings from her personal storage closet in her apartment, then they had the nerve to evict her after I filed 2 police reports of the thefts. She had no where to go, her lovely son first rented out, then sold her home (it was in his name...) All 3 (of 4) adult financially well-off children denied her a place to stay during that emergency (umm no we cant take you in, sorry mom) .. so I took her home. She has 4 adult children including myself, one makes over 300k per year, another well over 100k. I have placed her has on waiting lists to get into another assisted living facility, but shes extreme low income so shes Medicare Waiver recipient (meaning facilities dont exactly invite her in) ... she does not qualify for any "in-home care" state or gov assistance (because there is none) and unless I go to work which does nothing but to pay a day care provider for her because she needs 24 hour monitoring (meaning everything is coming out of my pocket of which i can no longer afford jack-sh** ,much less turn around and pay for another to come in and do the job im already not being paid for myself !! ... So unless volunteers do it, and that is a joke, its unreliable and they are strangers each time to come into my home, that is not only unsafe, but a major worry (since i have children).....So she sits in my home needing 24 hour care and monitoring and my finances cannot afford to pay another day to care for her, yet Im not being able to work the amount of hours needed to afford it all because she needs the care. Now, I could (as her other 3 kids desire and have said so verbally) dump her in a nursing home, but she is no where near that state of care needed and it would depress her severely to be surrounded by such declining individuals let alone out "nursing homes are not exactly blue ribbon categorized facilities ...So she sits here, has my care, and I cannot work as much as i need to to afford her life and mine.. its the largest d*mn mess Ive ever seen.... so dont you dare come onto here and say what you've said.

... man you pissed me off

.... why the he** are you even on this site, you "helped an old man for a short time, get sane or dont comment on here ... people like you and this "tough love" bs should be fined for the potential damage you do to complete strangers.

Michael, You are not alone. My son spent his teen-age and early college years caring for his grandmothers, while we, his mother and father also took care of them. So, I know that it is not "normal" in American culture for a young man to care for dependent elderly. But it is a good thing, and says a lot about your character that you do care. You are lucky to live in California where there are many resources and programs throughout the state. First contact your Area Agency on Aging, and learn about the programs they have, particularly any home health care nursing, bathing and housekeeping help they may offer to Medicare and Medicaid patients or to vets, if any of those eligibility categories apply to your relatives. Contact any local chapters of the Alzheimer's Association nearby, and ask about their free services. See if there is a nearby adult day care that your relatives could attend. See if there is respite care services offered in your area, so you can get an evening, or a weekend to your self while they are cared for in a facility. Persist in calling agencies and organizations for the elderly in your area, or which serve patients with dementia/ Alzheimer's. There are good organizations which will help you figure out direct care options, home services options, financial options, etc. You don't have to do everything yourself. Let others help you help them. There is lots of advice online about caregiving and aiding caregivers. Bless you.

Visit your local senior center or senior agency and talk to them about your situation and available resources. Granddad may be eligible for veterans benefits and Medicare, etc. depending on his needs and aunts needs, you might be able to get them home care assistance a few hrs a week. If they have a church, maybe church has program seniors helping seniors -- and volunteers will do light laundry, errands, cook some meals etc. you can also get them meals on wheels.

As for you, set up what you can for them even if it means placing grandad in residential care or HUD assisted senior housing. There they will get checked on and have access to some services.

You get out and get on with your life asap....otherwise you will end up like your aunt and sucked in where it will only get worse and more isolating.

No guilt. You are young and deserve a life. They already had a life at your age not burdened with al this. Break the cycle now.

.... all of what you guys are saying have been said weeks ago to him. Read back..Instead of thinking yours are the only comments, take time and read what others have said, because the repeat info gets redundant to have pop up in our inboxes every time someone comments.

Check with your local city or county community action. Some states are now in the Medicaid Waiver program which for Medicaid, paying someone to care for a qualified nursing home patient, is cheaper to pay you than a nursing home.
I would invest in a security camera that allows you to watch her via your cell phone. I love mine. Walmart has nice one under $75 with live feed and two-way audio. When you ask for assistance, you should at least list your state and area to get better advise based on your area