I am a paid live in companion caretaker. I care of an 83 year old man with early signs of dementia. His daughter has hired me to care for her Dad. He is affectionate and asks for hugs in the morning and night and asks me to sit by him and hold his hand for a few minutes. I have been doing this because I feel human touch is very important and I am warm and caring person. That said, his daughter has approached me and stated he was telling people at the senior center I would sit on his lap and was "snuggling" with him. None of these things are true and I have never heard him say that to the many friends and family who call him to chat throughout the day. But he does have flirtatious type interactions with other seniors at the center .There has NEVER been ANY inappropriate interactions between us. There our cameras in the living room and kitchen/dining room on at all times. She can clearly see there has never been anything you can even remotely misconstrue as inappropriate. She has asked me to not sit next to her Father nor hold his hand anymore. She refused to tell him that this was her request so she left it to me. He is a very sweet man and he is soo very upset by this and is upset with his daughter, and claims she's controlling every little thing. I never say a negative thing about this to her Dad but she keeps insuiating that I'm the cause of his distress with her. I am heartbroken and feel very unsure about my role here. One more thing, when my Grandkids came with my daughter to pick me up for my 54th Birthday last week. He just adored them and told them to call him Pap Pap. They are 8,6,4, and 2. They loved him to pieces. I was told by his daughter that was inappropriate and they were not allowed to call him Pap, only by his first name. There have been a few more comments that she has made (for example; well Dad did you ever go sit by Mom on the couch and hold her hand?) that leave me feeling quite unsure of her expectations of me, even though I have tried to validate her concerns, repeat back her requests for confirmation and have been kind and respectful in all our interactions. Her Mother my clients wife just passed away 10 months ago. I have only been here for 3 and a half weeks. Am I missing something or am I correct in my instinct that this could be jealousy? I'm thinking I should probably start looking for another position elsewhere. I have excellent references and years of experience working with elder/dementia and developmentally disabled adults. I have never found my self in this type of situation before. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I also don’t blame the daughter at all for setting boundaries and clarifying that you are not to act similar to a girlfriend or wife, however inadvertently with innocent intentions. Elderly men have been scammed by female caregivers making them believe that they are in love with them, encouraging them to marry them, encouraging them to believe that their adult children are out to get them and to cut the adult children out of the will and instead give POA and money and assets to the caregiver and the caregiver’s family members, etc., etc. I have to admit that would be one of the first places my mind would go if I found out my hired caregiver’s grandchildren were now referring to my father as if he were their grandfather.
That the OP mentioned he was flirty at the Sr community center is already a red flag. He’s a flirty touchy old Rooster and the OP is a hugs and hold person. It’s a bad combo. The daughter - I’m will to bet - has dealt with this before & it’s easier for her to blame others than accept Dad is just this type of man.
It reminds me of Mad Men episode when they go to visit Gene, Betty’s father. Don & Betty are all seated at breakfast in his home with his current older 2nd wife or girlfriend, along with her brother and his wife (who live nearby & have been sending SOS signals on Gene's behavior & health, which Betty till then has ignored)., Gene slaps Betty's butt and tells her something like “let’s not clear the dishes but go upstairs to bed”. The expression of the actors are priceless.
The bottom line here is, right, wrong or indifferent, your employer (the daughter) has told you that certain behavior you display is inappropriate for the workplace (dad's home). You really only have 3 choices - 1) ignore your employer, continue with the behavior and suffer the possible consequence of being fired 2) stop the inappropriate behavior or 3) find another job.
While I understand the importance of physical contact, I can see his daughter's concerns. And having your grandchildren refer to her dad as "Pap Pap" is really beyond the pale, in my opinion. I would not have been happy with this if I were in her position, either, if I am being totally honest. There should be a professional line drawn, and as far as I'm concerned, that instance crossed it, regardless of how innocent it was meant or how much your kids "loved him to death".
I would think living there makes it hard to be professional but you need to do that. He is Mr Jones to your grands and daughter. I would hold hands with my Dad, but not my male client. With Dementia he may eventually think there is more to your relationship. Sorry, I would not even hug him but then I am not a hugger.
Igloo have a very important and essential list of questions. You need to make sure all the quality and legal protections are in place, with a solid contract, to protect both you and him/his family from trouble with the IRS or worse.
Unfortunately I think it is time that you start looking for another client.
No matter what you tell the daughter she has in her mind that this is inappropriate and she will have in her mind all sorts of scenarios.,
(Side note I also think your grandkids should be calling this gentleman "Mr. George" if they see him again.
I also think it is not appropriate that you had them come to your workplace..yes even though it is also your home it is your place of work. this is someone's home and having a bunch of young kids exposing an older seemingly frail person to the 4 germ pools they carry is a bit risky and I am guessing that they all did not come in on their own that mom and or dad brought them so that is 1 or 2 more people he was exposed to...just my opinion)
As for your grandkids calling him 'pap pap'. That's innappropriate. They should be taught respect and that you address an elderly person as 'Mr' 'Mrs' 'Miss' or 'Ms' unless instructed to call them by their first names. Basic manners are pretty much non-existent with the children of today and that's a shame. Teach your grandkids some. Your client is not their grandfather nor is he a surrogate grandfather to them. Make sure they know this. There's nothing wrong with the kids visiting him and interacting with him if they like visiting and he enjoys them being there.
Have a talk with his daughter and tell her plainly that you're not doing anything uunderhanded and that your grandchildren know that her father is not their grandfather. The daughter should also keep an eye on his finances and be checking things regularly.
Dad can hold hands, sit close and hug with willing peers all day at his senior center. Apparently, he is already. But he wants the same when he comes home. Huge red flag that this so called “experienced” caregiver isn’t working with daughter to redirect dating behaviors toward appropriate dating targets.
Some independents are capable of having the same discipline they would under an agency. The daughter is now cognizant of what to look for next time, hopefully, instead of spending 2.5 times as much to an agency. And as I said, plenty of situations for this caregiver where she can continue her lifestyle unhindered. This particular situation was just a bad fit all around, but likely lessons learned on all sides.