Pick and choose. My husband told me that my mother cannot live with us anymore or he will be the one to leave. Who do I choose?

I am in a very similar situation and I don't know what to do anymore:( My mother passed away a year ago today:( She had breast cancer leaving my father, her husband of 48 years alone:( My mother did everything for my father. Although he is in wonderful shape (75 years old but looks 50), he has never done anything for himself. And, he just likes having people around- who doesn't? My father spent his entire life working hard, spending all of his money on me and my siblings- he put us all through college, and as a result, has no savings. I can't imagine any other solution at this point other than moving in with him- it's my responsibility! He took care of me my whole life, now it's my turn to take care of him. My husband disagrees and as of last night, told me that he is leaving:( I don't know what to do- but my father was always there when I needed him and I can't abandon him now. I haven't spoken to my husband all day- I don't know where he is or what his plans are? I'm prepared to just give up and get a divorce- he didn't ask for this when he married me- I understand that:( That doesn't make it any less heartbreaking though:( Honestly- I'm just too tired to fight anymore and he deserves to have a happy life- this is all that I can provide right now- I'm doing the best I can to make sure that everyone has their needs met- that's all I have the energy to do at this point:( So if that's not good enough, then I need to just let go of the marriage:(

luvmom,

Your own situation sound so ideal with so much balance, teamwork and communication which is what I see lacking in these stories where someone like has blinders one and thus casts all others (spouse, children, etc.) to go care for mom because they only have one mom with a compulsive obsession that almost rings of religious devotion. But how does breaking one religious instruction concerning marriage become justifiable on the religious teaching about honoring one's father and mother when exactly how that honoring is done lacks a detailed definition which is also true of the religious teaching concerning a family showing their Christian faith must first take care of their own widows, but it says nothing about having to take them into your own home which for many reasons other than having a bad childhood just does not always fit.

So, I remain confused on this point of spouses come and go, but you only have one mother strikes me as an easy come easy go view of marriage. To break one Christian teaching to fulfill a narrowly self-defined application of another Christian teaching is in effect to have broken the entire Christian teaching concerning family relationships. Like I've said and written many times before, ya an't married to mommy or daddy and no where does any Bible say that when mommy or daddy get back off you shall leave, abandon your spouse and cleave unto mommy or daddy until death do you part. There are far too many people with terrible weak marriages in their 40ties and 50ties whose whole reason for being weak is one spouse is still more connected with mommy or daddy than with their wife or husband.

One thing care taking of an elderly parent will show among others is how strong and healthy one's marriage is by showing how much of an adult child a spouse is vs still being the adult little girl or the adult little boy.

Another thing care taking really shows as I'm dealing with is any unresolved baggage with that parent will come to the top. Today a friend said all of his flashbacks about his mother's abusiveness of him as a little boys took place during those months when he and his family were taking care of his mother in their home. My mother's not living in my home but like my friend I'm also an only child of a very possessive mom like my friends and I'm having my own flashbacks His mom was married but mine was a single mom for many years and in many ways kept living like a single mom even after she got married again. However, as I'm working on these things in therapy my wife and I are having these wonderful spontaneous, deep conversations from which we feel so much closer to each other which is great because we are one year away from the empty nest!!!!!!!!! Yeah! We will get the last one launched. :)

As you probably all know, kinnella and her husband worked this out and, the last I heard, kinnella still had her mother in her home along with her husband. It seemed that some mistakes were being made by all three parties and once these were discussed and remedied, the situation improved to everyone's satisfaction. Kinnella, if you still have time to read these answers, please let all of us know how things are going for you and yours now.

Maybe this all depends on how we were brought up. My husband and I had/have great parents. We took care of his Mom and now we are taking care of my Mom. After reading these posts we talked at length and we both know we are doing the right thing and we are even closer because of it. I so admired him and he so admires me now. We work hard all day and if we want to go out, we find someone to stay with Mom or we dont go, we both understand. Both of us would do it for eachother should we ever get in an accident or become ill and also for our children. I can only understand people not doing it if they had conflicts or an unhappy childhood or are ill or elderly themselves. For us, its automatic, parent's need care, they get it 110%. I think God for my wonderful husband more than ever now.

I just don't get this "you only have one mom. Thus husbands and wives come and go." It's not like people are married to their mother. If they are, then they are not really married.

I'm sorry but the above story hits me as a prime example of a man who was still connected to his mommy at the hip.

My mother in law didn't live with us, but it certainly felt like it. My husband is an only child. My mother in law wasn't demanding. She was needy. This is much worse. There was many a time that I wanted to say her or me but I didn't. She is now gone and I have not forgiven my husband for all the times myself and our family was put on the back burner. The numerous times our plans were put on the back burner because of something he had to do for her. I tried to talk to him about this but I'm pretty certain it felt on deaf ears because nothing ever changed. I don't think he has a clue. I have tried to let this go, it is eating me alive but it is so hard to forgive someone who doesn't appear to be sorry or clueless. Caring for a parent has to be put into perspective. There are things that have to be done but don't ever make you spouse feel like a second class citizen. It still hurts and I'm not sure if I can ever forgive him. Been in this marriage too long to leave now. It is quite miserable. My advice to to think about your partner before you make a decision concerning a parent's needs.

it saddens me that we adult children have to suffer so......

How do you breathe?
Lord, Lady!!! Your situation is beyond rational!
Husband or Mother?

Glad you're back.
Being able to vent & share is is lifesaving form me.
Please stay with us?!
Where are you?
I just noticed your post was July 19th ...

I'm not sure who I am replying to ...

Thanks LCS and thanks to all... I read the thread it helps me connect. LCS, i'm quiet the past weeks, been thinking so hard what to do with my jobless situation... huhuhuhhuuu i wanna cry my heart out. Anyway, juggling so many hats is forcing me to be away online so I was quiet awhile. But today and last night I added my comments. Nice to be back.

mhmarfil, I haven't seen any comments from you for quite awhile. I just finished checking what you last wrote about your situation and I see that the fellow that you worked for did not win the election so you lost your job too. Have you been able to find another one yet that allows you to earn some money but still gives you the freedom to look after your mom when it is required. I would guess jobs like that are almost impossible to find. If you are still looking for a job, would it be possible for you to become self-employed in your own home (I think you have said your mom lives with you). Could you provide daytime care for other elderly people whose adult children have to work and are looking for someone to care for their parents while they are at work? Perhaps there are too many government regulations for you to be able to do this and perhaps looking after more than one elderly person would be too difficult a task. I am just trying to think of something you could do to earn money and still be able to look after your mother. You are in a terrible situation having to support not only yourself but also your mother and your daughter. Are there any organizations from other countries (like Canada) established in your country that might be able to assist you? I am holding you in my thoughts.

Hi everyone... this is one very thorny issue that though I haven't expereienced yet being a single parent, just the thought douses my desire to seriously find my partner in life. It is a reality that I do not want him to be scared of... Being the only child for my mother, it gives me an ugly minus point in the dating scene. Guys who would find out about me will have second thoughts about hooking up with me because of my excess caregiving baggage

The good news about this story can be found

@ This is kinnella about my husband telling me mom has to go or he will. We spoke last night and the three of us are going to work things out.

I'm glad that this did not become another one of those throw away marriages!! :) Regardless of what label is given, it an't right making your spouse feel like they are married to more than just you.

Excuse me? honor your father and mother obviously means to honor them by living a decent life and not to dishonor them with your behavior.

The Bible specifically says you LEAVE your father and mother when marry and you become one with your spouse.

Honor does not mean to " take care of". That is a crock.

I think parents who really love their children think ahead and plan so their children are not forced to become their "parents". I know this is not always possible and I know that MANY people do not plan anything past the current day.

I think if a parent gets ill and there is a chance of them improving (like from a stroke) then OK take them into your home and care for them as long as you can and hope they improve. If they do not improve but you find that you enjoy taking care of them and can handle it all then do it..

Parents have children and have the joy of watching them grow, forming their lives, they take the actions and decide to have kids and take care of them for whatever reason. They are watching a human grow. They have CONTROL of the situation when they are raising kids.

When a child is forced to take care of a parent they have very little control and did not create the situation.

to me that is not an equal bargain to what we "OWE " our parents. We get to care in a hopeless situation which only gets worse and has no reward, we are not helping we are only sustaining a bad situation we cannot control.

The parents that we "Owe" had a good situation they created, where they were caring for a growing human, watching them learn new things, and living thru them.
So the care they gave us as children was not nearly the burden that caring for someone going downhill is. It is even harder if you really love them and if they were really good parents.

Choose your Husband if you have a marriage to begin with. Unless he is just using this as an excuse to move on.

My husband had the same discussion with me. My mom does not live with us, but I am the closest to her. I filled her every need at the expense of my marriage. If mom wanted to go out to eat, I did it. If she wanted to go shopping, off we went. I never said NO until my husband pointed this out. I had a talk with her and it has been some good days and some not, but she needs to call my siblings too. It cannot be all me.

found it

And in this society most people treat old people pretty shabbily, assuring themselves they will never be in that position. Had they any idea they too would some day be old, and failing and losing strengths and competencies they have had for decades the younger generation might treat older people with more respect and compassion.
You are right, people learn what they live. It is an interesting note that so many people here care for people who in their own childhoods did so little for them and in some cases were overtly abusive. We all make choices in life, pass it on or pass it back or leave it be is an issue with abuse. I do not see my self ever choosing to treat other s how I was treated as a child but you have to keep up with it, stay aware remember you are an adult and decide to be a decent person.

My maternal grandmother came to live with my family when I was 10 years old. My dad was very supportive. It was a great life lesson for me as a kid. I learned that my family was a "safe landing." When dad became ill with cancer in 2007, I returned to stay with mom and dad.

Adults are role models to the younger generation for how we want/expect the elderly, frail to be treated.

I see where kinnella started another thread which shows a very good resolution to this issue. Thus, I'm getting out of this thread.

It's so hard for people to understand all of the hardships we caregivers have to endure. I feel for you and your husband. I can only begin to imagine the toll that the last 2+ years of taking care of my Mom has taken on my husband. It's not easy for them to watch us get the life sucked out of us. Sometimes they get angry for selfish reasons and sometimes they get scared for us and our well being. Maybe you need to speak with counselors about what you are going through and get help with a solution to your problem.
Imagine your husband in your shoes, and how you would "honestly" feel after a time. It's not easy being the one left behind, no matter how hard we try to compensate. I would definitely try to get your mom into some kind of daycare or find someone to come in and relieve you a few hours a week. If you are like the rest of us, you have invested a lot of time and effort into your marriage, and should make your decision carefully. Good luck!

It's a terrible thing and I'm sorry for you but maybe you could tell her point blank about your situation? If she loves you she won't want you to be in that position. The question also is whether he has a point or is forgetting the "in sickness & in health" part of the bargain. I wouldn't make my worst enemy live with my mother as she's a narcissistic, manipulative combative loud-mouth alcoholic. I feel extremely guilty toward my family whom I subject to her 4-5 day visits, especially since we all end up having to spend the next few days in quiet contemplation or even in bed to recuperate from her toxicity. My advice is for you to think long and hard about what exactly is driving your husband crazy about her.

Strong black or white statements in a marriage don't just usually just happen. There normally is a lot of history behind it. That's what needs dealing with more than taking sides.

From my own experience, I will share that I spent years being very patient (10 years) with how overly attached my wife was to her mother which got worse after both children were born and I got left holding the bag feeling like a single parent. I saw both what this was doing to my marriage and to our children who were growing up with a mom who was not really present at home although we all lived in the same house. In therapy, learned that I was being too nice and for the sake of my own sanity, our boys' well being and our marriage that I needed some boundaries which my wife with her then diagnosed 'issues' could either live with or not live with but we were not going to drown. In the process, we learned that her mother had programmed her to view herself as her mother's mom and when asked about her role as a mom all she could talk about was her mom. We ended up talking about boundaries in therapy and we agreed to some new boundaries in our life which she soon broke. The consequence for that my therapist and her therapist agreed was reasonable was my taking the boys and leaving the house for as long at that particular situation was going on. One would think that would be enough, but no it took one more time of that being broken with a different consequences and that got the ball rolling. Two year later, she finally saw the need and found the strength to set boundaries with her intrusive 'mommy dearest' mom for the sake of the children, herself and our marriage. Since 2005, I've had my wife back, the children have their mom back and we are all in better health for it.

I just don't buy this easy come easy go view of marriage because you only have one mom or one dad for there is not anywhere in the Bible where it says when your parents get old and need you that you shall leave your spouse and cleave to your parent(s) till death do you part. Honoring and being respectful of one's aging parents plus the NT verse about people taking care of the elderly in their families do not automatically mean doing it personally yourself or making yourself or your marriage, or your children, or your health a martyr like sacrifice when the level of care is over your head or for other reasons is no longer sustainable.

I'm not a person who likes to confront and I was raised to let others needs come completely first and be ok with people being very intrusive into my life, but I reached the point in 2002 where I said enough, I want my life back but I don't even know that that means or how to get there.

Yes, we each only have one mom and one dad, but we also have one God to whom we must answer how we balanced the challenges of being married and being the adult child of an aging parent. I don't believe that means abandoning the parent anymore than I believe it means abandoning ones spouse and children which I've read many times here that people have regretted. BTW, my grandmother told my mom when she got old, __ it's time for you to leave your current husband and come home to take care of me and she was a good Christian woman and an outstanding member of both her community and her church.

Please, let's not judge one another and say one person is wise and one is not. Kinnella asked for help and comments and each person who responds is offering that from his/her point of view. One may disagree with the point of view but please let's not label views as wise or unwise. It is hurtful to do so.

eeek! I am so sorry ....... i dont know what i would do.....me and my husband have always been homebodies- no company just me and him staying home on the weekends for the last 28 years.... my son lived with us for a year after he moved out - with his wife and newborn baby Then he moved out on a sat. and we moved my mom in on sunday - no empty nest. . but now he says hes going crazy and needs to get out- i told him we can just have to let my kids know and they will watch my mom for us- but we dont like the heat so we just stay home- anyways wow! what would i do? if he wanted to leave- ummmm, well he will do fine without me if he wants to go and leave me in my time of need which is to take care of my mom than so be it-its for good times and bad.

Lilliput, your reply says it all. I couldn't agree with you more! Selfish is the word that comes to mind when I hear an all-or-nothing demand coming from someone.

Liam is not wise.

Lilliput is wise.

Ultimatums just put a negative wedge between marriage partners. Kinella's husband knows first hand how hard it is dealing with caring for a senior. She is doing her best. Anyone who loves their spouse would never say, "it's me or your Mom." This is a terrible place to be in, and Crow, no, I do not think an ultimatum is justified for either spouse. Wouldn't a compromise be a more adult and humane idea? Or hub could offer more constructive solutions.....so many ways to go before "checking out."
Again, if K.'s hub was ailing you bet he would want her to be there helping him recover. I believe in protecting the sanctity of marriage but I also take for "better or worse" seriously...sounds like K's hub has not.

Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you.

I know NONE of this is easy, believe me I know, I lived it and I am not living with the decisions I made.

I am not a 'momma's girl' but I do know the three R's"

RESPECT
RESPONSIBILITY
REPERCUSSION

Each situation is different, each person is different, but one thing is common, we will face situations that require us to make very difficult decisions, and all we can offer honestly is OUR experiences.

"In sickness and in health" shouldn't just refer to our OWN health. Humans should help one another, family should stick together, but we all know that is not always the case.

Kinella is facing some very hard decisions here, and since none of us can be there in person to actually help her, perhaps getting someone involved that can be impartial will help. Kinella, my heart goes out to you. Talk to your husband, make decisions together if you can, and get some outside help for your mother and your relationship.

You only have one Mother. Husbands and Wives come and go. If your Mother has no place else to go where she can be cared for as well or better than you are caring for her...then I'd tell him to do what he has to do.

kinnella, that sure is a tough situation to be in. I'm sorry your husband's delivery of an ultimatum has added to your stress. On the one hand, I agree with those who have said that vows of marriage trump, or, should trump all else. Marriage partners should stand united through thick and thin including parents and in-laws long-term care decisions.

That said, I have a hard time accepting that a win-lose proposition such as your husband has demanded of you comes from a place of being supportive of one's spouse. I do understand if he is clear that it is not working out as he has already told you. That happens. What is hard is for a spouse to place his marriage partner between a rock and a hard place with no further support or effort to help you sort through where and how you want to go with this situation. He is your husband and your marriage has a place of priority in your life, and your parent will always be the one who gave you birth and to whom you have some degree of emotional relationship.
Think about your feelings within your marriage. Only you know whether the demand was unreasonable or not. A rigid ultimatum from a spouse is stress-inducing. I'm with Daniel Romero's reply. Is your husband otherwise someone who communicates and thinks all-or-nothing every time life throws a curve ball into his life?
Ultimatums like you described might signal an imbalance in how the couple makes decisions and communicate with each other even after you move your Mom out to meet the heavy-handed demand. When life becomes stressful for both of you on something else, will your spouse think that all or nothing ultimatums are the way to force you into making other decisions before you figure out how you may want to proceed? In addition to thinking about your Mom’s needs and your husband’s demands during a difficult period in your life, take some time to think about yourself – how you feel, what you want, what sort of support you need from your husband, whether you have ever told him that, what’s working or not in your life right now, and more. Doesn’t sound like anyone else is thinking about you in the story you have shared, so be sure to put yourself first. God bless your sister who took your Mom in when her own health is not the best. Wishing you the very best outcomes for you and your Mom and husband.