All because she won't leave her house? Her husband died of cancer this past July. She has lived in this small town(2 hours from our home) all her life and doesn't want to leave, but she is so frail that she never leaves the house on her own. She won't let people from church help. She won't let ME help because I am not a cleaning nazi like her. My husband has one brother but due to health issues he ius unable to help at all. I know as Christians we are to care for our parents, but shouldn't they give a little? It is all about her. She feels she provided care for others when she was younger, and now it is her turn. OK, but those people lived with her. Why can't she see she should move in with us?
I'm one of the ones who quit my job to get at my other goals, and look to mom more as I'm the only kid, she's missed out on lots over the years, blahblah. Was brainwashed from all the decades of hearing over and over how hard her life was. Poor mom.
Now its 7 years later. I was never "alloted" the time to myself to get to my goals. I am relieved a few here will get that, as it reads and sounds imbecile-like, on my part. Her care quickly became full time, demanded. She needed assisted living 4 years ago but as others have pointed out, I'm her assisted living.
And I'm all waxed out. Grateful for a small company pension that I had no idea I'd be burning up before I'm 60, she don't care.
Why do I think his and my moms could be related even tho I know they're not?
Can your husband take an LOA maybe to go get his mom ready to move into assisted living? The waiting lists for the good, non-pillaging facilities is long, here.
I agree wholeheartedly don't let her move in. She views you as competition? Her manipulating will not I repeat will not decrease with age. From what I've seen those who are, or who grow mellow with age are those who have dealt with their issues. The rest of us are left to deal with the shite they didn't. Beautiful. Not.
A friend told me she's doing what her friend told her she's doing... giving her children a gift - the gift of providing for her own senior years.
The rest of us? We pay-- fiscally, soulfully, and a reminder that yes, it will play out somehow eventually, in our own, aging bodies.
Was it FrequentFlyer who posted the amounts of missed wages from caregiving? I'm hovering around that mark and it makes me physically shudder when I do the additions. And figure the minuses I'm providing for my future. All because I wanted to help my mom. But she has never been happy, not happy, and all signs in her 90s point to never being happy. Why do I wonder if your husband will be lamenting the same in a very short amount of time? How long do we have to keep paying for and mending their mistakes because some of us are bred to believe we're supposed to?
This site has been life-changing for me - I'm so grateful to all of you for posting all that you do here.
This does not exactly relate or is an specific follow up to this posting, it's something I felt I wanted to say as I have read so many comments and answers filled with so much pain, pain that also becomes anger and it's understandable. I myself carry the tremendous weight of helping when I feel my own strength is not there! However, I remind myself that the journey of my loved one is at a point where I'm the legs, arms head and sometimes even heart that will help both of us continue in life. May God bless us all and help us in our individual journeys!
During WWII, families were separated for long periods of time as the men went off to war. Military families are still separated when either husband or wife are deployed. I'm sure they face very difficult challenges, but they do have support from the services to deal with the several month separations.
Obviously, this isn't the same as a voluntary separation when the husband leaves to care for his mother.
But I think you raise some interesting points to consider. An alternate method for this family might be not to focus on the disruption a separation would cause, but rather how to use it to support the husband and strengthen the family.
The wife and daughter could be a part of this plan; I'm sure the husband is torn between the two horns of the dilemma. He needs some understanding and compassion from his family to figure out a way to address the situation, and to help him know that he's helping his mother as he wants to.
But I would be concerned if he really feels he needs to quit work as this will affect his career when he eventually does return to work.
That his solution would be to quit his job would seem to imply that your marriage is not a partnership.
Jeanne can speak for herself, but I had the same thought when i read your post.
I'm willing to work with you mom, but not willing to wreck my marriage, my life, my retirement and my children's college. I love you, but you are not the only responsibility in my life right now. You raised me to honor ALL the commitments in my life."
Propose three plans to him that you can live with.
A.
B.
C.
Discuss the plan.
Look at it short term and long term.
Income
Distance driving
3 kids in college
Reality check.
That's my idea b4 I turn in for the night.
Hugs ♡♥♡♥♡♥
M88
I'm sure he's torn between what he feels is his obligation to his mother and his obligation to his job and to you and your marriage. So sympathize with him, feel sorry for him, support him to recognize that quitting his job would be disastrous for him, you and your marriage.
Try to work with him to help him recognize that she's made a choice, that it takes conciliation on the part of all when an elderly parent needs care, but she's not willing to make any concessions. That's a clue of what's to come.
My initial thought was tell him if he leaves to take care of his mother, he can leave for good, but then I realized how torn he must feel, and taking an arbitrary position could push him closer to her.
Find some time to spend with him doing something relaxing, perhaps a meal out, quiet long walk, or just a quiet evening, and share your concerns, as well as the reports and stories of those here who have been through this.
I hope you're able to find a middle ground to support him and help him realize that he would be committing himself to her for the rest of her life, and despite his love and sense of obligation, there will come a time when he feels differently.
Tgengine is a poster here; he's a man who didn't quit his job, but brought his father to live in his home. If you have some time, read his first posts, his positive approach then, then skip to his most recent posts expressing his frustration.
Let him think it is his idea by not discussing it too much.
Hard to do, but it works.
Mr. Husband sir: With all due respect, and speaking as Christians respecting God's Word, your wife comes first. You "leave...and Mother and stick to your wife".
Another valid principle is HONOR your...Mother.
You cannot be in 2 places at once.
Mom lives 2 hours away.
Your job. Too many implications to list, get your tax guy, bank guy, financial counselor to explain the repercussions of quitting a job at this time.
Mom is throwing you into panic mode.
Resist the urge to drop it ALL and run to her side.
Think about the whole thing as if it were happening to a friend, and tell me, what would you advise your friend to do? I'm super concerned about what you decide and HOW MUCH WILL IT HURT YOUR WIFE.
Respectfully,
M88
Agree with the others - no one should give up a job to care give their parent unless they are well set up for their retirement. I retired at 73 as the demands of a job and caregiving mother were too much for me, BUT, I was very well set up for my retirement as I had worked well past usual retirement age and I was a distance care giver.
Your mil is refusing help from others in a power play to get your hub to move in with her. Don't fall for it. Have him read the responses here and also other stories of similar situations. Do NOT offer her to move in with you - she would want to rule your roost and it would rapidly become intolerable for you.
There are other alternatives. As ff and windy have said - sometimes you have to wait for a crisis before the elders will accept changes. So be it. It is her choice. She needs to experience the consequences of her choices and not have your hub cave in to her. Have you thought about counselling for the two of you? I wonder how much of a priority his mother has been to your hubs all along - or is this a new thing? Quitting your job to go live with your aging mother is pretty drastic, Many men would run 10 miles in the opposite direction from that situation.
The way I look at this, your Mom-in-law is making a clear minded decision not to move out of her house, thus she needs to take full responsibility of that decision. Thus, she will need to continue to live by herself.
Usually it takes a crises before our parent(s) have a wake-up call that they really do need help and need to be living elsewhere. A team of wild horses couldn't budge my parents from their house or having people come in to help them, and here they were in their 90's.... and I refused to even thing about moving in [they never asked] as I still needed to keep my career going so that I would have enough for my own retirement.
I will get back to you later.
My parents also refuse any help. I do what I can but I'm not going to give up my life to care for them for the next God knows how many years. And I certainly don't expect my wife to take this on. There will be a crisis that forces the issue with them and that's the way this usually goes.