Husband with dementia and now I dont know how to handle "friends"...Up until now they were understanding.

In my experience, there are “friends” and there are “friends.” It takes time and “life” to help you know which people live on the surface and which ones can go “deep.” Most people do not deal with suffering well in themselves which means they cannot bear it in others-because it reminds them of their own fears which they are unable to face. What is key here is after self-examination to check if you have not violated a personal boundary of another to verify that this is not the reason they are withdrawing, not to take on their withdrawal as your “fault” like there is something wrong with you. There isn’t. It’s about them, not you. The other factor is that you have to make sure that you aren’t being too “needy” in that the focus of the group revolves around you and your situation. Then the group would naturally need to address the change in purpose. If this is the case, seek professional support for awhile to get the support you need until you heal empnough to renter the group.
In my experience people who are capable of hanging with you have the gift of being spiritually grounded, which means they tend to face their own suffering and fear, which means they can hear yours. Our culture which favors abandoning the spiritual for legalizing drugs, abnegating personal responsibility to become victims, blaming others and seeking refuge from life will make it more difficult to find others who have the inner depth to maintain relationships in difficult times as well as the good times. Sometimes there are support groups that can meet a need.
Peace.

There are "givers" and then there are "takers". You can have a long and relatively uneventful fun relationship with "takers" as long as 1. you do lion's share of work
2. help them out when they need it and 3. request no help in return.

There are also neutral folks or middle of the roaders who take care of their own
and will not pitch in to help you in your time of need. But they also would also not burden you with needs of their own.

Then there are the "givers" of the world. They usually have a line of folks needing
their help whether family, friends or the "takers" who have sensed a soft touch.

I was raised by a taker, then married into a family of them (as was my former husband), and also made the mistake of befriending them. Several of these
human devourers of time, attention, and empathy, told me outright that they
are very aware of what they do, as well as how they know to target someone to take advantage of. They believe "givers" are foolish and deserve to be taken advantage of. They also truly believe they are so special, by even just spending time helping them take care of drudgeries that they are doing you, the "giver", an enormous favor merely gracing you with their presence!!! Yes, they really believe this.

When the tables turn and their tried and true friend is in need of help, "takers" instinctively know to start a chain of negative gossip or slander to free themselves of their obligation to return what is often years of arduous help on part of their "giver" friends. Usually they use the outrageous claim that they've been trying to help their "needy" or "difficult" friend but finally tired of their constant requests for aid, thereby neatly flipping the script on reality. The kicker is most people will accept this deception because the "takers" of the world, having drained help from so many others while eschewing their own responsibilities, are more "fun" and often are more wealthy due to their duplicitous and manipulative ways.

The middle of the road types, will consider any deviation from your previous "fun" behavior, as being in "poor taste" and callously move on to the next, resentful you've shown anything other than your cheerful, business as usual, face to them.

Make no mistake people know how to behave, know what they would prefer in health crisis or similar situations. So either you are dealing with "takers" or those who will only help a very small circle of family and a very few friends. They see
you now as a burden that should gracefully wait out on the sidelines or reinvent
yourself to continue to be a selfless "giver", constantly cheerful and giving, while requiring no further assistance from anyone.

Welcome to the human race. We would all do well to choose our friends more wisely. Very sorry you are going through this now, consider it a painful opportunity to find a way to meet more giving, kinder people that will grace the rest of your life. True friends, family and health. Is there anything greater than these gifts? Best of luck to your and your husband in this difficult time. I hope
you will find new friends who can be there for you both through thick and thin.

You sound like a couple who stayed in touch with your "friends", that is, you pursued and made it point to do so. They aren't, and probably, they don't fair well in responding to sickness, hardships, etc, of others. And a lot of people prejudge situations. I know it's strange to experience this with ones you thought were close. It can be hurtful, but do your best, Just go on with life and meet new couples, etc. I see lots of good suggestions and responses in replies from others on this forum. Good stuff.

When my father got sick, not only did his friends disappear, a lot of mine did as well. When I look back at it, I wouldn't change a thing. These people solely used us for the entertainment value and nothing more. Once life gets in the way, you'll notice that your circle usually gets smaller. I'm only 34 and I've seen it first hand at a very early age. I was entrusted with the overall care of my widowed parent when I was 26. There have been ups and down but I'm stronger than I've ever been. Luckily, my dad is too. Fully paralyzed after a stroke and given a 6 month window to live. 8 years later, the hell with friends, we're just glad to be surviving. Keep a positive mentality and don't rely on anyone than yourself. Best of luck to you.

Joycee, I read where you said you didn't tell them anything for 3 years and then it started becoming obvious and you had to share, that's when they started acting like they wanted you out.

I am wondering if they aren't feeling a bit the same, as in, I thought we were friends.

My sister chose to not tell anyone that she had breast cancer until she was admitted to the hospital because it had spread all through her body and there was no hope except for a miracle. I can't tell you how many people said to me, "why didn't she tell me, I thought we were friends?" They were hurt and angry that she didn't trust them or return the deep feelings of friendship or whatever motivated her, she would never say, but she alienated many people by her actions.

Have you spoken with them about what you see and feel, maybe they think you don't view them as worthy of helping, knowing or ??

Just a thought, lack of communication leaves imaginations to run wild. What's the worst thing that could happen? They tell you to go away? Or you could find that they took your actions to mean mind your own business and they are happy to be there for both of you and have been waiting for an invitation.

So many people have been critical of your ‘friends’, and it was good to read realyreal’s post with a different slant. I think that we all tend to forget how many ‘friends’ we have lost along the years, simply because our lives changed in different directions. Kids from our school or college days, even our teachers, parents of our children’s friends who we had all those deep-and-meaningful conversations with, people we worked with in our first jobs, people who moved away interstate, people left behind when we moved away ourselves – it’s a long list for most of us. Perhaps your social group thought it was just that, not a support group. Perhaps they don’t know what to do, and you haven’t asked for the things that they could do. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t help you to write them off as ‘false friends’ who are just shallow and uncaring. Remember the good times you had at that time in your lives, and focus on finding whatever can help you now. Being as bitter as some of the comments here will make you feel worse, and will cancel any slim chance of enjoying their company when things change in the future. Best wishes

Please Don't assume prematurely that your couple friends no longer want to be friends. I don't know what you said them as far as information but it sounds like they feel they should keep their distance. Re read what you sent them. Send a picture of the 2 of you dancing And Laughing that shows on, Including a note for An invitation for the next dance. Maybe there's an event coming up you csn suggest. Be positive and show your humor. Your friends are probably trepidations about what to say and what to do. Or perhaps they have their own issues they are dealing With, as a lot of my friends are right now. Best of luck