I am about to become a caregiver to both parents; how do I begin?

johndbarry34, your comparison of a (young) adult caring for a child they chose to bring into the world (and hopefully prepared for) is non-valid. Children grow and become independent over an approx. 20 year time frame. Taking in a parent in their 60s could result in witnessing decline and dependence over a 30 year time frame. It's not a situation the "average" adult child could anticipate or possibly prepare for. An while that would be happening, the adult child will be growing old themselves.

"our nation needs to step up in terms of caring for our elderly folks" Just how would this happen, JohnDBarry34? Medicare and SS are in financial trouble. On this forum, I read how elders go back and forth to hospitals and doctors over and over, involving many medical tests and procedures. The nation is already paying for that (often?) overuse of the medical system.

CTTN55 - I agree with you! Poor life choices add up. Leading a sedentary lifestyle, eating junk food, smoking, spending money on unnecessary stuff, living above one's means, engaging in risky behaviors, etc etc etc all have consequences and their effects are additive. Poor life choices add up!!

I was a caregiver to my mother with Parkinson's from a young age of 32. My mother was much older. I was the youngest and single. I did not do it by choice. My older sister insisted on taking care of her to control her money. At the time, she did not have PD. Not that she ever did have her live with her. For several years she made all kinds of excuses why she could not have Mum live in her home. So she stayed with me while ehr health was going downhill and I did not know what was causing it. It took me 4 years and several specialist to diagnose her properly. She did well for a few years while on medication but other medical issues clouded her ablility to walk that went undiagnosed. My career was quickly going down the tube, I gave my sister an ultimatum and she finally took her in for less than year during which time my Mum almost died from neglect. My mother had the funds for caregivers , etc. But my sister did nto want them in the home , instead she used the money to renovate her house. Long story short, I brought my mother back to my home in a different state by chartering a private plane because she was fully dependent on a wheelchair and could no longer stand on her own power. 15 years of caregiving took a toll on me, physically, and psychologically. She passed award over 4 years ago, but I am still strugging to sleep, my weight gain is in overdrive due to menopause, and I have spinal stenosis in upper and lower back. I do not qualify for Disability because I had no income in the last 10 years even though I have all credits for Medicare when I turn 67 which is 9 years away.

I took care of her, because she took care of herself. She was always very active, at healthy, never smoked, or drank alcohol. She had no vices to ruin her health through her lifestyle. She did heavy manual work, and raised 6 children in the most rural of ways...no running water, no electricity, cooking on a wood burning stove, etc. After all her hard work and being slapped in the face by her older children who were too embarrassed by her, since now they were doctors, pharmacists, engineers, etc. on her and my father's back, yes parents should provide for their children and they did despite BOTH being illiterate, they managed to run a business in Africa that could have been a billion dollar business if one of their older children had been interested in it. All the children were given the opportunity to get the best of education abroad on their dime, no loans to pay, nothing. Yet, that was not enough for all these children. They wanted perfect parents who looked sophisticated, etc. I did have one brother who made up for all the rest in more ways than one, but he died tragically 25 years ago which was when all this drama started in my life. So they did not want to have anything to do with my mother. We are also of a different culture and she would never have fitted into a long term care facility due to her dietary and religious needs. That left me standing alone to face the wrath of Parkinson's and provide her with a safe, loving environment where she lived on her own terms finally. That is why I did it, even though I never wanted any part of it. I do not regret it. She was a very easy patient, very compliant, took her meds, did her exercises, ate freshly cooked food each day. Every thing was the same, except she was in a wheelchair, and that made it hard on me to transfer her several times a day which has noW resulted in a my broke back.

She lived in an era, where birth control was not practised, not available or not affordable. She has me while she was in menopause, she was not happy, not that I would have ever known, had I not asked her about having so many children.

Today life is different for women in this country of USA. A woman in her 60s had access to birth control, education, living a health lifestyle, etc., easy lifestyle ---appliances for every household chore and more. Same for men. So when someone in their 60s has children, it is primarily by choice.

The point I am trying to make is you do not owe your parents any thing in the form of caregiving. If they did not take care of themselves physically - poor eating habits, sedentary lifestyle, smoking, drinking, not saving money - you do NOT OWE them anything. My mother got sick DESPITE a health lifestyle. She did not contribute to getting this illness.

If I had a parent in their 60s today and I was around 40, I would NEVER consider being their caregiver. I would certainly help set up a plan so that they get adequate care, but they would need to do their bit too. But I would never live with them. If they cannot get in home care from Medicaid, etc. then they need to consider a long term facility. They can live another 30 years. That is too long to give up your life for anyone. You deserve to live your life and enjoy it while you can.

PLEASE DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THEM and get sucked into this. There were days , I could not breathe. I feel like I have PTSD from all that.

I personally don't recommend it, the financial strain in my situation has made me bitter and resentful towards my dad. If I could do it over, I wouldn't do it at all. I'm running out of money and patience waiting for assistance. Think it over really carefully.

DebDaughter,
I do have a family and raised 2 children while caregiving -- so what you read does not always paint the full picture in order to drawer a conclusion.

My main point remains: "Bottom line...you have to make decisions that YOU will be able to live with. Sometimes, us humans don't use our intelligence to make the best decision, we let others (many of whom are miserable and lack God-given wisdom) influence our decisions."

With that said, we all have to live with decisions, whether good or bad. I can tell that most of the responses lack wisdom, and are self-centered. Your age does not make you wise, and it is evident by so many posts that tell this young lady NOT to do this or that. A wise person would not and could not tell someone not to care for their parent(s) without all of the facts.

We all need more information on the parents of this young woman before we can give sound advice, other than seeking an elder law attorney.

Like other posts have pointed out, we don't know why these particular parents are in this situation. Would the "advice" change if we knew that both parents were dire financial straights because they gave up their life savings to put their children and grandchildren through college? I believe it would.

Again, we can't assume what brought on these financial challenges. Only the young lady that asked the question knows more details. I have learned at an early age that just because the "majority" is in agreement with something, it does not make it right, or something you will be able to live with -- only the person making the tough decisions know what he/she can live with and can/cannot do.

2nd Timothy; I'm glad that you have raised your two children while caregiving and that no one suffered any ill effects.

My entire childhood was a parade of dying relatives who were cared for by my mom, who didn't know how to say no to anyone but her three kids.

She finally DID when my dad proposed moving his elderly uncle in; he was apparently a bridge too far for mom.

My poor mom had lots of caregiving duties, a chronically ill child and two quite desperately depressed children who never complained. But there was NO question when mom become ill, frail and elderly that she was going to be cared for by professionals and not by us, at the expense of our families.

As an aside, an adult child should never spend their own money on their parents' needs. I had many a professional telling me that.

Whatever you do, do not sign any responsibility paperwork for their care. Do not put any of the house in their name. If you have a two bedroom place, can they move into your place, that way they could pay towards expenses at your place. Just know this from what happened to my grandparents years ago. My parents have us not signing responsibility for any of their care. I know of parents that have put their home in a States go back five years and if they put any more towards the new home, they will request that money they gave to you as a downpayment on a new place even if the mortgage is in your name and then you are in a bad financial condition. Told my parents years ago. Also if it is getting to hard for them to be in their home, maybe they can go into a life care community with the sale of their home where they can get a one bedroom place and their health needs will be taken care of. It takes a lot of responsibility off you. That is what we are planning to do so our adult child will not have to take care of us.

Hi Love17. You are smart to think about this ahead of time. Keep reading on this forum and educate yourself, so that you are comfortable with your decision whatever that may be. I don't know all of your situation and everyone's is different. My experience was that I had the opportunity to move in with and care for both parents. After reading and re-reading posts here and starting to exhibit health problems myself caused by stresses of caregiving, I chose to not live with them. Even though I don't live with them I still have developed some health problems due to caregiving for them. I even have help from my oldest daughter (3 days a week), my brother (1 day a week). This point is that you can not do it by yourself. I have a saying "If it takes a village to raise a child, then it takes an army to caregive for your parents". I agree with others that caring for your parents takes your life away; it takes your idently away; it takes all of you away. I have to fight every day to try to regain my identity and my life after realizing what I have allowed this to do to me. Recently I started making myself go out with friends, being involved with activities at work and just going back to my hobbies. Don't let this happen to you. I also agree that it sounds like your parents made bad choices and have not planned for their older years. Mine didn't plan either and they chose to live at home and that is their decision. I don't think anyone planned for medical technology to keep people alive this long. I don't have an answer for you on that. BUT, being a caregiver has made me think about my end of life years. So in the coming years, use this experience to plan for your future. Whatever you decide, keep doing things you enjoy and whatever you do...DON'T FEEL GUILTY! :))

We had a trial run with my mom for three years when she was much better off physically than she is now; good thing! It went badly after the first 6 months and none of us want to repeat that.... so we are helping her to stay in her apt, as is SS, as long as possible, with paid caregivers, RN, paid transportation, and we help around the edges; maybe we won't die before she does.....

You have answered us at least twice to say that the problem is financial.
Everyone seems focused on the caretaking, which for sure is the larger picture if not the immediate problem.
So let's talk about the financial picture.
You need to delve into their finances. Do they have credit card debt? Are they paying for expensive cable? Do they have expensive habits? Shop retail or catalogs?
Do they take expensive vacations? Gamble? Are they driving two cars and maintaining two cars when one would do? Do they have any savings? Get their bank statements for the past several years and go through them.
Add up expenses and income. See how far apart those two numbers are.
Then realize that whatever that number, it's the amount you need to find to keep your freedom.
Some have suggested that they need to sell their home and rent an apartment. Maybe. Maybe not. Depending on how long they have lived where they are and how expensive housing in their area, the town home may be the least expensive housing they can find.
Look to see which expenses can be reduced or eliminated.  Look to see what you can do to get them on Medicaid. You have been advised to seek the aid of an elder attorney. That's still good advice.
Don't let them lose their townhome to foreclosure if that is in the works without doing all you can to keep them solvent.
The stronger you can make them financially, the better for all of you.

Regarding the blaming of parents for not making the right choices: I could go on about how different things were 60-70-80 years ago and how they raised say 7 kids on one income then... no birth control, it was unusual for a woman to work or drive, smoking and drinking were acceptable, the food was actually better - local and fresh and  people were actually not overweight in general... there were no "gyms' for instance. 

Yes the smoking and drinking did hurt some people. But one thing is, even if your parents were responsible, and assuming they had extra money and saved money, that money is always losing value if you don't take some risk with it. Key word "risk". They were afraid of that - depression babies and all. Sometimes companies gave stocks to the workers and that worked out well. But it wasn't due to the worker's financial sophistication. That was the benefit of thriving industry in the country. 

Even though there were better "safe" bank rates then, generally if you just saved your money, there was always inflation eating it up. It's called "growth" in the economy. The economy runs on debt and inflation. The Fed wants 2% at the least. Your money is constantly losing value. Say your parents saved and didn't want to gamble in the stock market for instance. Or if they did, didn't have a good "advisor". Or weren't very sophisticated about investing, as most working people weren't. Over the years their money gets eaten up. 

Once you stop earning you are at the mercy of many things, inflation being one. Your 400 dollar a month annuity that sounded good in 1980 is worth crap today. Just sayin'. In many cases,  the only thing that improved your parents wealth is the house they raised you in. And how do you get money out of that? Reverse mortgage? Maybe but there is risk there too and high fees. And when you get old banks won't lend to you, won't give you a second mortgage or home equity loan. Well, good luck to those who think they will be smarter. But don't hold it against your parents. Most times they didn't know any better.

And I agree with 97yroldmom. Look at all those things. I just want to counter a little, some just occasionally on this site who say well your parents didn't make good choices.

Don’t do it. it would be better for them to sell their home and go to assisted living. Work with their doctors so they get the care that they need.

Linda22 and Garden Artist gave solid advice. Please use their comments as a checklist, as you work through next steps.

And to echo many others, your parents aren’t terribly decrepit. You are easily in for 20+ years of this. Do not sacrifice or shortchange your career and your earning potential. Do not.

There will always be options for your parents. There ain’t sh*t for adults who voluntarily exit the workforce in their 40s or 50s and hope to catch up later. You will be left behind. And years behind on 401K contributions, SS contributions and professional development.

And for most of us, kiss your paycheck goodbye and your health insurance disappears, too.

Another angle to explore: look long and hard at your parents’ finances. Many people — from all walks of life — cry poor when they really aren’t. Sometimes a holdover from old, tighter times. Sometimes invoked as a perverse good luck charm. Sometimes a diversionary tactic because they don’t want people (family, neighbors) to ask them for money.

Or because they want adult children to tend to them in their old age, even if they can afford some hired help or assisted living. Amongst their age group, it’s a (twisted) status symbol to have an adult child turning his/her life inside-out for them.

My mom sat on piles of money while her health went down the chute and her house fell apart around her, because she was fixated on passing my late stepdad’s investments on to his adult children. My mom engaged in some serious self-neglect, martyr stories and outright lies to achieve this folly.

My in-laws want everyone to believe they are one step from the poorhouse. Yes, they live check to check. They also single-handedly keep Bob Evans, Walmart and every thrift store within a 10-mile radius in business. Can’t pass up a bargain! And can’t spend one minute of their copious free time making a home-cooked meal. Next thing ya know....oops, we’re broke again.

I know I’m a tad cynical. But please be open to the possibility that your parents want you to only see this dilemma as they see it. Sometimes there’s more to the story than meets the eye. And the missing link is often lurking in the bank statements.

Good luck. And take care of yourself first. Seriously! It all starts there.... or it ends there. (((hugs)))

I have lived with my mother 46/ 56 years of my life. I’m an only. Got married at 23 , had 10 years out of state , and returned home with husband. Before we moved back, she suggested we 3 move in together. Combine assets to build a home that could provide privacy for all of us. It was great, for years. It’s not now. Dementia has set in and she is here 24 /7. I feel guilty if I leave the house without taking her. I feel guilty about just about everything regarding her. She no longer has the life she lived for years. I tell her where I’m going and when i’ll be back. I had more freedom at 16. I have a 21 year old. I will never ever in this lifetime expect from her what is from me now. My mom is not that bad either, she repeats constantly, but still functions fairly well. For me, it’s the loss of spontaneity, the daily fight to not get depressed over her sitting in the family room, watching when I bring laundry down. Watching me take garbage out. Her complete inability to differentiate recylabe versus regular garbage, wanting to do the laundry, but throwing all clothes in together. I now separate the clothes by hiding the light colored or dark colored ones in my closet ,because even if I left the ones in a laundry basket that I want to wash separately, she will go up and get them and throw them all in together. It’s the little things like that. Or it’s 42 degrees outside and she turns the air conditioner on. My husband is good. He’s human though it gets on his nerves. My daughter moved out . 2 reasons , 1 she’s in college and needs to be closer to classes, and 2, to get away from this. It is a very hard life and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m not selfish , I but I don’t like being a servant either.

I can t advice you of property or finances. I can say don't make my mistake take care of your health like on a plane your told put on your mask first do that with caretaking if you get sick before them. Then you will have a problem

There are going to be all kinds of useful and helpful answers and advise given to you in this conversation. Take what applies to you and use it. But I'd like to share a few things that may not be said. First thing is get an ENORMOUS desk calendar and tape it to the wall. Keep all doctors' appointments and therapy sessions scheduled in PENCIL. Keep your own appointments on that calendar, too. It's going to be your most important organizational tool. Store ALL doctors' numbers in YOUR phone.

I suggest that you be open to accepting help when it's offered. You are going to need breaks and personal time for yourself. If there are friends or family who are able to be an "asset" to you, take them up on their availability, without guilt. On that same subject, if getting help means hiring a nursing aide to help with bathing, dressing and food prep, make sure you get your family a safety deposit box at your bank. Move all your valuables to the box. In other words, if strangers are going to be in and out of your house, protect yourself in this way. This is very important for everyone's peace of mind.

Once you move into the house with your elders, have a physical (occupational) therapist come to the house to advise on things you can do to set up the house so that your folks can be as comfortable and self-sufficient as possible. Also, learn how to help them in and out of bed safely for them, but also for YOU. If you strain your back (easy to do), you'll be of no use to anyone! There are techniques, including how to tighten your butt muscle groups when helping them. Also, learn the SAFEST techniques for helping them bathe. Have shower barres installed, and have the therapist demonstrate the safest way to use them.

Have as many products as possible delivered on auto-ship, especially, hygiene products. Keep backups of everything. Also, have lots of frozen foods and canned foods at the ready. There are gonna be those days when you just need something served quickly with no fuss.

I could keep going, but I'll end with this... Be patient with your elders. I truly regret all the times that I was irritable or frustrated with my mother. I didn't mean to, but I made her feel bad, because I was frequently frazzled and short with her. She has passed away, and I now realize just how much she couldn't help her immobility. I got frustrated with her for taking so long to do everything, and I now wish I had just been more patient. All I needed to do was change my attitude and relax. It's not easy to do, but just try to check yourself.

And stop by this website often! It's such a wonderful resource!

Enormous desk calendar aside, you are going to wear yourself thin very quickly. Then you will be good to no one.

Llamalover47: I know, right? WTH. That was a road map to an early grave (for the caretaker). The poor woman's parents will outlive her.

Upstream: Right! That is sure to mean an early demise for the carer!

Eyerishlass said it all and said it very well.

I am only taking care of my elderly spouse and I can tell you, it is a 24/7 job. You are being asked to take care of 2 people but there is only 1 of you. Will you have to quit work to do this? How will you pay your bills? Medicines cost money and it's a good bet your parents are on medications if they are looking for assistance. They might not have as much as you think to put towards your new home.

I would look into Assisted Living first if it was me.

My mother passed in 2004 and my dad in 2011 - this left me without a whole lot of extra time for 7.5 years - he lived to 88. Are you really prepared to take this on for another 20-30 years? There is a very good reason why caregivers don't always outlive their charges - we wear out. Please rethink this before you sell your home.

This thread keeps coming up in my mind. If you were to go ahead with this, IT WOULD BE A LITERAL ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN. As your parents are quite young, I don't understand why YOU would be supporting three people. I don't understand the financial predicament that they've gotten themselves into, e.g. were they not employed at one time? No savings and no retirement fund? Something is amiss.  You would wear thin and run yourself ragged! Who would take care of you then?
In addition, GardenArtist brought up an extremely valid point about a pulmonary option. Many pulmonologists will send a patient to "Pulmonary Rehab" to improve their lung function. How do I know? Answer=Never a smoker, my lung function was down and I've just completed an 8-week course of Pulmonary Rehab.

For starters, Love17's primary concern is a financial one. For anyone suggesting AL, please consider that option is WAY more expensive than any townhouse or new home for three people would cost (unless it is a very expensive townhouse!) Although her parents have medical issues, they do not sound overly bad or that they are in need, yet, of extensive care (so leave out talk of nursing homes!)

johndbarry34 - although several people did indicate that Love17's parents "made their bed", there are a great many who are imparting very wise advise, regardless of how her parents got into this situation. This discussion should address the CONCERNS about what Love17 is proposing and what she should consider before embarking on this trip. It is NOT about caring for her parents at this time, though that has to be considered as well because unless we can find a working crystal ball, NONE of us knows what tomorrow will bring. CAREFUL CONSIDERATION OF ALL OPTIONS!

From my perspective, this currently is not about "caring" for her parents but rather a way to assist them with financial duress. There are multiple ways that she can help without committing to buying another home.

1) Perhaps Love17 could see if her parents are willing to go over all current finances. She might be able to adjust their expenses and make keeping the townhouse work, at least for now. Two cars? Ditch one. Expensive cable package? Eliminate or pare it down. Credit Card debt? Be careful there - if they have a bad habit with credit (and too many people do), you will need to ensure the cards are closed or frozen while the debt is paid off, however that will continue to be a drain on their income for some time, so it may impact their ability to contribute to the combined housing. There are many ways that money can drip away without realizing how much is wasted. Carefully review ALL expenses and look for ways to save.

2) Consult with Elder Care Attorney - the concerns about buying a different home with shared resources brings up the Medicaid issue. If they become so impaired that Love17 cannot care for them, this becomes a block to getting help, unless more than 5 years has passed.

3) In addition to concerns about lack of access to Medicaid if/when needed, another issue is that the parents' income would be used to support the home (mortgage, utilities, etc) - what happens if one passes away? Same question arises if a medical crisis arises and the income must be used to pay for skilled nursing care, whether in the home or in a facility. There would be a big loss of income to support the new home.

4) The parents are still relatively young and despite current medical conditions could last 20-30 years or more. That is a HUGE committment! Most people do not support their children that long, and with children generally the care becomes EASIER, but with elders is it most likely to become harder, MUCH harder. The comparison really cannot be used. Does Love17 have any support to help her? Will this impact her ability to keep working? Will it impact her health?

5) Given that this is a financial issue, at this time, what happens if Love17 loses her employment? How will the mortgage be paid then? Job loss is a constant worry these days - companies no longer feel obligated to keep you around! Also, if she starts taking too much time off to care for one or both, she could jeopardize her job. This is NOT just about the here and now. In 30 years, if she survives this, SHE would be where they are, but possibly minus a lot of retirement money lost to being unemployed and a reduced SS as a result. She will NOT be able to make up those years at that time!

6) What happens if Love17 has a medical crisis herself, or worse dies or is killed in an accident? Who pays for the place then?

I, like others who posted, feel that while seeking out legal advice (everything else should be set up now anyway - DPOA, medical directives, etc), see what can be done about taking any assets, including from the sale of the townhouse and setting up a trust for the two, which could be properly managed and saved for the day when they might need more assistance. MEANWHILE - look for less expensive living arrangements for the parents. AL is NOT going to be less expensive, and really is not needed at this time. In the meantime, Love17 can continue to work, assist them occasionally when needed and build up equity in her own home. Eventually if her parents cannot care for themselves and/or their place, THEN consider taking on the care-giving role.

Down the road when they might actually need some care, this idea could be revisited, but Love17 might be able to purchase the newer place with little or no mortgage and be closer to a safe retirement herself.

Given that there are so many pitfalls, this is not a simple decision. There are those who say wholeheartedly yes she should do this, because THEY have been able to do it. That does not mean that Love17 can swing this on her own. Her circumstances and yours are not the same. At least one had a spouse, but only one elder. Love17 has not mentioned any other person and is considering care for TWO elders.

Please Love17, digest all the advice, good or bad, explore ALL your options and think this through very carefully before committing to anything.

No matter how one analyzes the financials or morality/ethics, the bottom line in my view is the SANITY of the daughter...I was caregiver from 2005 until 2017 for my wife even though she was in the nursing home all that time. I still went twice a day and hired ladies to sit with her at the supper hour so she could have a social life. We spent well over a half million dollars in private pay until we spend down to the Medicaid-allowed funds and never gave the money a thought...I prayed for a servant's heart and God answered my prayer. She died earlier this year and I am elated that she is now free from several terrible afflictions and handicaps which bedeviled her for all 12 years. Yes, I miss her, of course, but she is FREE at last and forever.

Grace + Peace,
Bob

Another point of worth---as one ages, the older person(s) does not need as much. Yes, sell one car if you have two, par down on cable tv/eliminate, purge items out of the home to get a tax receipt for charitable contributions, only keep as many articles of clothing as is worn (because trust me, some will never be removed from hangers), et al. You get the point.

Caring for your parents is a very personal decision. Some do it and are glad they did, while others regret it. So you must consider your family dynamics and decide for yourself. If your parents have any other assets in addition to their townhome, those assets can be a sticking point with Medicaid.
It is important to get good Medicaid advice. We started with a law firm that did nothing except rack up billable hours, then we finally found a very good Medicaid Consultant with an employee who was a former Medicaid case worker in our state. (Medicaid rules vary by state.)
VA assistance, if your parents qualify, can also be quite helpful with free meds and essential medical supplies.
If you decide to buy a home for the three of you, be sure to look for a house with wide doorways or room to widen them. Even a walker is too wide for most bathroom doorways.