Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Oh gosh, big hugs.

This is normal. Even think about this sutaion for a completely normal person, at the most mild level it is being "homesick", then plus the loss of independence (or the sensation of a loss of independence). When I remember how badly I reacted to being homesick at different times in my life I realize that it is a larger sensation than we give it credit for when parents or grandparents who have needed to leave independent living end up "losing it" at some point. Yeah can blame dementia but *ANYONE* would be VERY UPSET. Logic and reason be darned. <3

Also I guess that when it is super hard for you to memorize new things, or remembering day to day is fuzzy due to one thing or another (dementia, MCI, general being-sick making it hard to focus or concentrate so, like, being brain-foggy, etc) then every day the fact that you don't remember where the cafeteria is, or how to use this new phone, or where your XYZ object ended up when you were moved, or what your new phone number is, or... etc. It's just a bit of a struggle, every day, to go through that. And if you're only a *little* forgetful.. you're going to forget the assurances that everything is fine but your brain is still generating fear chemicals.. neurochemicals for fear and stress and whatnot so the brain isn't going to forget the fear.

Again I try to imagine this sensation, and it isn't nice. She's in a new unknown place. And a week, eeek, I cried like a five year old my first week in college when I had to live on campus because I was scared, alone, anxious, etc. I wanted to go home! :D It didn't matter that I also wanted to graduate uni ;) so, that sort of homesick accompanying no longer *having a home to return to*... UGH. And then think that it renews every time she thinks of it because it is so hard to remember new stuff. Everything is staying unknown and scary. What's this noise? What's that noise? What is that light outside? Who is that person? Where is my XYZ? Did you pack ABC? Oh my god noone filed change of address!!! etc.

I wanna write more but I keep getting distracted <3 Just -- hang in there okay.? I can totally empathize with the panic/anxiety. Hibiscus/balm herb tea <3
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Yes, she is grieving loss of control, loss of independence, change to new residence ( regardless of how nice and, a host of other grief riddled moments. You are grieving from several perspectives also.

Connect yourself with on going grief or other emotional, spiritual support services. Schedule at least 1x week sessions for a bit. Practice other self care such as massages, pedicure, exercise regularly, eat nutritionally, stay hydrated, other healthy social contacts and personal reflection, meditation, prayer and journaling time. Be sure to see your own physician for assessment physical and emotional.

Contact the facility where she is and have social services and chaplain/ pastoral support see her regularly.
Consider calling on limited basis for a bit until she has had bit more time to adjust to trusting her new surroundings.

It is not unusual at all for folks like your mother to have the guilt producing, anxiety provoking , stress inducing behaviors you describe.
If she starts this when you call,simply tell her you love her and you have to hang up and will call again. Or you can try redirecting the conversation. If it fails, kindly tell her you will call another time.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Call less. End all calls as soon as the drama starts. Be calm, but firm. Rehearse you exit speech to the point it comes out of your mouth as soon as you sense the shift in conversation.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You hit the nail on the head when you wrote "I really do feel for her but I am beginning to think it is not her old apartment she is longing for, but her old life and independence". Of course! Put yourself in her shoes - anyone would feel the same. It's very sad to feel like everyone you love is "gone" and you are left alone with strangers. That said - the reality is that she cannot live alone in her flat anymore and she is being cared for. Her mental clarity is clouded by dementia, and that will continue to decline over time. I'm going to go out on a limb here and advise that you tell her a white lie. That she is doing great where she is, allowing the staff to help her. This is just a temporary stay until things get better - whatever you want to insert here: "your flat is being renovated", "a few more weeks" (on a loop), anything that would appease her. These white lies are for her benefit as well as yours when it comes to anxiety. Also, let her vent and cry and then end with I'm sorry Mom, just hold on a few more weeks. It will help her feel loved and heard. I think over time she will adjust - you both will!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Very good info and answers here - but yes - this is normal and it can take months for them to adjust.

One story I will share: a friend's mother gave her grief about 'how awful' her lovely care home was every time she called or visited - for years. After Mom passed, she was in there cleaning out her room and person after person came by to tell her what joy her Mom was - how many friends she had and how active she was. Sometimes I think our parents are in a 'torture your kids' rut and can't get out of it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Listen to your (anxiety) body.
Do not visit.
Learn how to manage your anxiety (read, do meditations, consider medication), exercise.
It isn't good for you or your mom to be in contact with her if / when you are getting anxiety attacks. Listen to them as they are giving you important messages / information (about your own health and health needs). This is a warning to you from yourself.

Google "How to manage anxiety attacks" - I would not take the medication route initially. I would focus on other self-care such as giving yourself space / a break / from your mom and see how you do. There are triggers here - perhaps from decades ago or when you were a child.

Therapy may help for you to look at / understand how and when they occur.
And, how you feel about your mother. You might feel very differently from the behavior you are exhibiting (i.e., you are doing something you REALLY REALLY do not want to do = be around her).

Gena / Touch Matters
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I haven't dealt with a family member who has dementia. I do know at least it's a very difficult disease and hard to deal with for the patient and family so my heart goes out to you. I don't know if this thought is helpful or not to you. But since your Mom has dementia maybe think of the other times she has gone over things and not been happy at her apartment. Like you said if she went back she probably wouldn't be happy or getting the help she needs. Although the subject has become about the care home I wonder if this might be your Mom's feeling in general because of her dementia and how she processes things. Also its a big adjustment for her and I'm sure because of the dementia it's making it harder for her to adjust and she is not liking the place more. I understand it makes you anxious and would be hard to hear whenever you call. Could you maybe mention to her things you are doing or ask her what she likes there? Did she have good food or what did she do that day? It's good she is allowing baths to be done, it means she's getting a bit more comfortable anyway. Sorry I don't have more advice but maybe that will help to think of things in that way, listen to her and try to engage about something else. I can tell you and your siblings really care for her alot ❤️
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter