I am sole caretaker for my wife, age 88, who has multiple health problems. Should I feel selfish?

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I am sole caretaker for my wife, age 88, who has multiple health problems. Should I feel selfish?

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Her health problems include dementia which seems to be progressing, rapidly. I am a very fit, physically and mentally, 90-yr-old, who would like to resume playing tennis 3 times a week as well as long-term stay travels. While we have family nearby, for various reasons, it is inconvenient for them to help out with any regularity or for long periods. I am feeling some guilt for considering memory care for her, even though I know she would receive more appropriate care. Should I feel selfish?

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I would say at age 90 with excellent plans in place to keep yourself active physically and mentally that you are absolutely right to consider memory care for your wife. You can still visit often, but will keep yourself healthy, which is what she needs most. At least look into respite for the times you are gone for long periods of time and a day care facility for when you play tennis.

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Please don't hesitate to place your dear wife in an appropriate facility... when you have been carrying the caregiving burden a long time you may not realize how much it has weighed you down until it is lifted.

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Nothing selfish about wanting to put her in MC, you can return to being her husband not her caregiver.

Take your life back, know that she will be safe. You can visit her as much as you like,

I wish you the very best and know that you will be making the right decision for the both of you.

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If your wife's care is truly getting to be too much for you, then perhaps yes, it's best to start looking for the appropriate memory care to place her in.
If it's just because you're not wanting to be tied down to caring for her 24/7 perhaps you can find an Adult Daycare Center in your city to take her to up to 5 days a week and up to 8 hours a day. They are fabulous and take great care of the folks that attend. They give them breakfast, a snack and lunch, plus keep them occupied with various activities.
Or you can hire some in-home help to assist you with her care.
That would give you ample time to play tennis, and do whatever else you would like to do.
You will know when it's time to place her. When it's best for you both.
Best wishes.

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Absolutely not. You need a life too and your wife would have good care in a MC.

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"Should I feel selfish?"

I don't like questions like these, because basically it's fishing for compliments. You're trying to provoke certain answers with that question.

As for the rest, your situation, you're the only one who knows what you're going through and how your wife is. You decide what's best (memory care or not), not strangers on the internet who don't know the full picture.

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That was unkind.

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There comes a time when caring for a dementia patient that we miss our life and the workload is too heavy. If she is memory care eligible I do not see why you should not do it. Be aware it is not a perfect solution. It comes with it’s own issues and it did not come without some guilt for my family. Expect calls and her to still require many needs to be met. Good Luck.

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You are not selfish to place your wife in memory care to get your life back. Then visit her as your husband, not a carrgiver.

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You are not selfish. You matter too.

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We all feel guilty at times for the care decisions we have to make for our loved ones. We are often having to choose the least bad of multiple bad options. There are no perfect solutions and the time comes for all of us when we know it’s too much to continue as a full time caregiver and still have a life of our own. Some people continue doing it anyway at great risk to their own physical health and finances, and some accept that in order for both caregiver and loved one to live things have to change. Someone said to me once, “Guilt is an emotion to be reserved for times we intentionally do something wrong or bad to another human being.” Seeking good quality care for your wife does not fall under the guilt umbrella. She may even thrive when she is around other people, and you can come and go as her husband bringing her flowers and treats instead of being her full time home health aid.

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No do not feel guilty. You have done very well taking care of your wife. It is important to think of yourself as well. Caregiving is mentally and physically challenging. If you think she will be happy go for it. You can always visit as often as you want. Everyone’s situation is different.

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Memory Care sounds like an appropriate choice. If you continue to devote yourself to your wife's care, you are likely to resent your situation and your wife. You might feel better about that decision if you accept that there may be some selfishness involved, but you are also responsible for your own health and well-being.

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No, because ultimately you will be doing what is right for both of you. As a caregiver and as her condition worsens and demands more of your strength and emotions, no matter how determined you are to keep her with you a realization begins to dawn on you. If something happens to you—if the stress and anxiety, the sleeping with one eye open, the mood swings— start to take a toll and your own health begins to deteriorate because of it the question becomes, where does she go if *you* sicken and maybe die? My guess is is that unless you have a family willing to make a huge sacrifice it will be into MC. So, it may happen inevitably but the difference is that she will no longer have you to be her support and strength. Putting my husband of 50 years into a very capable and caring facility was extremely difficult and there were times during his adjustment when I questioned the decision but after six months he is settled into a routine and our visits are devoted to me monitoring his care and loving him, When I’m home I miss him terribly but I can take care of me and stay strong and involved for him. No one says this transition is easy. It’s hard but ultimately may very well be the best choice.

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It really shouldn't matter what a bunch of anonymous strangers think of you. Frankly, it shouldn't matter what people who KNOW you think of you.

What matters is what you think of yourself.

If you were to be honest, if your wife were not riddled with dementia and you asked HER this question, what would HER answer be?

I can tell you unequivocally that, were my husband in your position with me being so ill, where because of physical ailments I was shackled into my home, and because of my mental ailments he was shackled to me, to the point where he had to give up everything he loved and everything that made him HIM, the man that I love more than anyone, I would tell him the situation had become untenable in the long term; that it was time he placed me somewhere I was safe and cared for, and went back to being the man I fell in love with, and not a slave to my increasing, never ending needs. I would expect there would be a fair amount of guilt; but I would hope that he would come to realize that it is the best solution to a situation in which there are no GOOD solutions. Sometimes that's all that fate leaves us with, and it's a waste of energy to rail against the way the dice fall.

I hope you can come up with a solution that gives you some measure of comfort and peace.

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No . No. No.
That's the simple one word answer to your question " should I feel guilt?"

Here are a few other things to perhaps help you " feel" better about the difficult decision:
1. Since you say that there are few others to ' help out', wouldn't you feel better knowing that you have had the say in deciding where and how your wife will be cared for, in what facility etc etc; rather than risk something happening to you ( God forbid) first and then she is left at the mercy of all those who have no time for her ( or to help you) now ??
Even though you share your health is good ( yea!), one never knows what simple things could happen that could impact your ability to care for your wife. Not to mention that 24/7 , 365 days a year 'on duty' care in your home with someone advanced in dementia presents a host of safety issues for you both.

Please do confer with her PCP and get referrals as you need to start making the decision that you already are aware needs to be made....

Also seek support for yourself, spiritual, emotional and grief related care from your faith leader of choice or a community chaplain.

Peace

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I agree with Jean Louise's comments. Sometimes we have to "put out the line" and just get some support. It sounds like you are very much loved and understood by this community.. I hope you will accept it.

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When I first moved my mom from Assisted Living to Memory Care, she was FURIOUS with me because she could no longer come and go as she pleased, as she felt she could in AL (that wasn't strictly true, but that was her perception). I confess I felt terrible every time I punched in the code for the locked unit to come and go on visits with her. It was clearly more regimented, more institutionalized, and I really felt like I had put her away. I hated doing it, but I also knew I had to. She had been wandering and had become combative at her AL - too much for them to handle. To make matters worse, her room was much smaller than the one she had at AL (which, admittedly, was huge).

But then, after a couple of weeks, her attitude started changing. She was generally more settled. She still had the dementia misperceptions and some of her narcissistic behaviors, but she seemed happier and more secure.

If you had asked me in the first month if I had done the right thing, I would have responded that I had, but you would have read between the lines that I wasn't so sure about it. Ask me today, eight months later, and I give a resounding yes. No reservations about it at all I strongly believe that reducing the size of her environment gave her peace and security so that we could better focus on slowing down the progression of her memory loss.

As I think about it, I can only imagine how frustrating and perhaps frightening it must be to see doors and sidewalks and thing that go to places beyond what the mind recalls.

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My 95 yo neighbor cares for his 94 yo wife and has done so for several years as her health has really deteriorated. He does EVERYTHING for her, this man is a demi-god!....she has macular degeneration and is now pretty much totally blind. He has to do all the things--from toileting to feeding to geting her meds--the whole shebang.

I am amazed and touched and humbled when I watch him putting in flowers in their yard that she can't see! He keeps an absolutely immaculate house. I have never heard him raise his voice to her and calls her 'sweetheart'--or 'my love' even when he thinks no one can hear him.

Luckily they have a LOT of support from family, so he does get the occasional half day off (meaning 4 hrs). I go over from time to time to sit with her and chat, b/c he likes to know she has company.

NOBODY would look down on him if he had opted to place her in care years ago, but he chose not to. Would anyone think less of him if he did? Absolutely not.

My point is, there is NO one right or wrong way to do care. This man is one in a million--but there may come a time when he cannot maintain this level of care. Would anyone call him selfish?

He's doing what he's choosing to do, and doing it perfectly. You do what YOU need to do and leave selfishness on the shelf. It's not selfish to self care and I don't know your dynamic at home.

Weigh the pros and cons. I personally think you'd both be better off if she were in a place where he needs can be met and you can be her husband and be loving and kind, but allowing others to do the daily stuff.

Anyone who judges you as selfish should walk a day in your shoes. And no GUILT. That's for people who are bad and mean. You obviously care a lot or you wouldn't have done this for so long.

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Absolutely not… you have a life left to live. It would be important for you to see your wife frequently (3-4 times per week if home), definitely to check on her condition a couple of times weekly when you are away.

If her condition has deteriorated to the point of memory care, nursing home care, she NEEDS the daily care.

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Obviously my opinion shouldn't matter just like all of these other opinions shouldn't matter. You do what you need to do. Sounds like your torn between the two. But I think if you can still do it you should. Do you know how many assisted living, memory care, nursing home facilities are neglecting their residents each and everyday anywhere from falls, bed sores, dehydration, sexual assaults, infections, lack of attention. Most of these incidents occur with someone who has dementia. They are the most vulnerable resident's in these facilities. It's like putting out a piece of meat for the lions. Sorry. But true. Anybody who doesn't believe this can or does happen all I can say is "wake up!" I have watched stories of nursing home/memory care neglect and one thing that stands out are the families who are disheartened and angry regretting putting their love ones in these places in the first place all while they ignored the signs of neglect when they should of been listening to their intuition. So if you knowingly know that you can give her the best care at home then you should. Putting her in any form of care outside of the home is Institutionalized care. No matter what you call it! People can tell themselves anything they want to make themselves feel less guilty. This type of business is quite nifty in their marketing to address all of your concerns. They only care about your money not the human in that's occupying the room. They will tell you whatever you wanna hear. They feed off of your fear, guilt, and pain. I don't know how much time your wife has (and I hope she has many days ahead of her) but wouldn't you want to know you were there for your wife from the beginning to the end throughout this journey. If you know she will get better care from you don't you think that the love you have for your wife will allow you to personally provide this. You may want to hire at home care aides for a few hours a day(make sure you have hidden cameras in your home as well because I have seen abuse with home health aides and dementia love ones too) then when you feel more comfortable and feel you can trust them you will be able to leave and play tennis. Good luck.

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You can visit and become part of the family that is always there- always looking- always ensuring g the best possible care. It is not fair to ask someone to put aside their life for someone e else. If you have been there and done that (like I have been with both parents and an uncle), I doubt you would say this. Each person is different, and what is right for one is not right for another.

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My wife is only 68 and I'm her sole caregiver. I traded in my shop drill press and welder for a vacuum cleaner and stove, this has been the case for nearly 5 years post stroke. From my observation, the more I do for her the less she wants to do for herself. To the point of doing every aspect of her life for her. I try to back off and she starves to death next to a refrigerator full of food without taking her meds, which caused the stroke in the first place.
I feel I've taken away parts of her live that affect her desire to function. I see the day coming to avoid the damage I'm causing getting professional help might be wise. This is defiantly uncharted territory for us.
So no, you should go into it feeling your doing it for your wife's best interest. I don't know about you but I sometimes feel my health going sideways simply by focusing always on her needs. At 90, if you go down, what happens to her if she's not already being taking care of?

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BluSky1...a lot of this is "unchartered territory" for most people that end up as caregivers for a loved one, does not matter if it is a parent or a spouse. the big difference is you may expect it when it comes to caring for a parent, you don't fully expect it when it comes to caring for a spouse.
You do the best you can with the cards that are dealt.

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My dad was you, and my mother was your wife. My dad cared for her lovingly for years and would never have considered a nursing home for her, but he also lamented to me that "my world has gotten so small."

He was also fit and healthy (but a terrible tennis player), but he ended up dying first.

We never know what's in store for us, especially at 90, so if I was you, I'd be considering MC for your wife solely because you're looking ahead to the time when you might possibly not be able to care for her. The worst thing in the world was my mother losing her husband of 66 years, burying him, and having to move from her home of 50+ years to a nursing home all in the span of two weeks. I had to do it as I couldn't care for her in my home, and it broke her brain the rest of the way and broke my heart. I did it with my dad's blessing, because he didn't want what happened to him to happen to me.

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MJ (((hugs)))

It's my Dad's turn now. If he were to go first my life tale will mirror yours.

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You should feel selfish. Taking care of your”self” is the only way to attend to her needs. It can be a long journey.

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What I want to know is how you play tennis 3x a week at age 90? 😎

You've gotten some pretty good answers to your question about "feeling selfish", so I'll leave that one alone.

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That’s why paddle ball was reinvented… so there isn’t as much running around… they use a paddle with a Woofel ball?? Maybe it’s called something else..that’s for people who have bad knees etc.. it’s like ping pong but on a court rather than a table..
glad to hear the word tennis!! Keep going!!!
:)

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No you should not feel guilty.
You can feel grief. You can feel sad. You can not feel guilty.
You already say she will get more appropriate care in a memory care facility.
I am sure she will also be safer in some regards. (This is not saying you can not safely care for her yourself. )
If you are still wondering....
What would YOU want her to do if it were reversed and you had dementia and she were able bodied?
Once in MC and you visit you can be with her as a loving husband NOT as a sole caregiver. I think the time you spend with her will be more focused on her and not her needs.

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I was exhausted taking care of my mom in my 60’s! I can’t even bear to think about you doing this at your age!

You are the definition of Superman. The super hero in the cape doesn’t hold a candle compared to you!

Caregiving is an endless job. You’ve been an incredible husband. I would say that it is way past time for you to think of yourself.

Please place your wife in a facility. Then go visit her as her husband and let the staff do the caregiving! You have earned a break. You have paid your dues and then some!

Best wishes to you and your dear wife.

Enjoy your tennis games! You should be hanging out with my 100 year old cousin who still drives and attends her weekly exercise classes.

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Careful with the driving part.. my brother is a retired fireman.. he told me to get rid of the car before she gets into an accident. No, it would not matter who caused the accident; it would be her fault completely due to her age…
He’s seen it for many years.. it’s the OLD PERSON’s FAULT !”
Why? BECAUSE THE OLD O
PERSON most times would agree out of shock, guilt, confusion…
Ya ya, but most accidents happen within a mile from home? Is that true? I honestly do not know…
My friend was hit by an elderly person, hit the gas instead of brakes. Luckily nobody was hurt…

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Ask yourself this....if it were you, would she put you in memory care? whatever that is...but it sounds like a nursing home. My husband was in a nursing home for 2 months after a major stroke and it was supposed to be a great one - looks good - but a foreign man and his wife ran the place and they treated the patients like crap. It reminded me of the movie "Happy Gilmore" where his grandma was in a nursing home and the director treated the patients like crap until the family came around. If you think your wife would've done that to you, then you have no reason to feel selfish. I live like an eye for an eye. As for me, I'm caring for my 64 yr old husband who had a major stroke in April 2022 and we have had many problems in our marriage so I have resentments working a busy insurance job, even though I'm blessed to work from home but every morning I take my lunch hour at 11 a.m., haul him up off the couch bed (he can't get upstairs), hold my breath while I throw his urine-soaked sheet, blankets, mattress topper into the washer, make his coffee and breakfast, give him his plethora of pills, spray Lysol all over the couch, clean him up, get him dressed and then RUSH back upstairs - usually with a cupcake in my hand for my lunch - and go back to answering my clients' emails, etc. I turned 60 in Feb., I have acute arthritis in my back and knees, I'm in pain CONSTANTLY but this is my life now. So, PRAY about it and really listen to the voices in your head. If you can put your wife in 'memory care' with no guilt, then do it.

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If you don't understand what Memory Care is and what and for whom it is for then you shouldn't be giving opinions associated with possible guilt.

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THIS is why people do not JOIN 'supposed' helpful websites like this. You posted a question, I posted my opinion and then I get crucified for it. I've been SUICIDAL for a year and I thought joining a website like this would help and then I get negative feedback that I cannot HANDLE right now. I am EXHAUSTED all the time. People need kindness. Not criticism.

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No one is crucifying you. Please call 988 if you feel suicidal.

I suggested a viable solution for your situation. If you place your husband in a facility, it will solve your issue.

Why do you feel that it has to be you that cares for him? Let others do the heavy lifting and you can visit him as his wife and not his caregiver. Why haven’t you hired someone to help you?

You are certainly entitled to your opinion. When others see you struggling they will offer suggestions. You are free to decide what is best for you.

Just know that my suggestion was to help you. I did the backbreaking work of a caregiver. I had my mom in my home for 14 long years. She had Parkinson’s disease and dementia. I know how hard it is for you to be a caregiver and I empathize with you.

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husband33: Please place your wife in a facility. Caregiving is exhausting work. Mine was short term, but out of state as an elder myself (approaching 70 at the time).

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There are several things that bother me about OP's post.

1. OP you've probably been married to your wife for a long time. You and her had YEARS to discuss this. You two must have discussed it. For example, "Darling, when we get old, how about we try to take care of each other at home. But darling, if it gets too much for you, please don't hesitate to put me in a facility or hire in-home care." It's impossible you two never talked about the topic, even just let's say 5 years ago, when her dementia was less severe.

2. OP if you have money for tennis and travel, you also have money to hire in-home care, in case you do want to keep her home, since you said you fear you're being selfish if you potentially put her in MC.

3. Whoever you are OP, obviously it's your decision what to do. You must decide, not strangers on the forum.

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Ventingback... Please take this as notice that I prefer you NEVER offer advice to me if you happen to read one of my posts. That will preclude my replying to you in a manner I'm sure would be offensive!

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I am sole caretaker for my wife, age 88, who has multiple health problems. Should I feel selfish?

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