Her health problems include dementia which seems to be progressing, rapidly. I am a very fit, physically and mentally, 90-yr-old, who would like to resume playing tennis 3 times a week as well as long-term stay travels. While we have family nearby, for various reasons, it is inconvenient for them to help out with any regularity or for long periods. I am feeling some guilt for considering memory care for her, even though I know she would receive more appropriate care. Should I feel selfish?
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Hello, everyone is different. Some people have no doubt about wanting to look after their loved one's and the question you posted wouldn't even cross their minds, some people will have a vast array of help from family members, so it frees up time for others and some will consider care homes, help facilities, etc for their loved ones. Then there's the question of memory care, how advanced is it, will your wife understand, will she feel let down.
These are hard decisions for sure, but sounds like you are handling all this care alone and the time you're putting into caring for you wife, is taking joy out of your life. I think you deserve the joy, you are a fit person at your age. I think a good compromise can be reached by putting your wife in a good caring environment, where you are able to stay with her when you want to. Plus you can do the things you enjoy. Life is to be enjoyed and you lucky than many to have your fitness at your age; I say make the most of it.
Love & Peace.
Having a loved one with dementia is heartbreaking. Your goal is to make sure she is safe and has the level of care she needs. You should not feel guilty trying to find the care she needs. Nor should you feel guilty wanting to stay physically and mentally active. In fact, having your own activities will enable you to better deal with the stress of watching her decline and enjoy the time you have together better. In memory care, there will be activities that you cannot provide at home. There will be a nurse on duty so they will be able to respond to emergency medical needs quickly.
You may have guilt feelings if she is one of those who resists leaving her home. Some of that is natural fear of the unknown and they will more likely than not adjust. We were talking to the daughter of another resident whose mom was very unhappy about going to AL and was just going to stay in her room...making her family feel very guilty. Now her mom is always the life of the party at social events and participates in all the other activities.
The bonus will be that you will be able to reclaim your life and enjoy the time you have left. You will be able to be a husband and not a caregiver for your wife.
Good luck to you.
if and when you do place her, please make sure that you have a picture in her room and a fun story about her framed next to her picture. If she has a POLST frame that that nicely for all to see… no looking for it, no need to ask anyone if she has one; it’s on the wall. This is important if you plan to go on long travels. It sounds like you would be the only one visiting her on a regular basis,
I’m sorry that you are struggling with caring for your wife. Please reach out for help. No one can do everything all on their own.
Whst does it smell like??
clean, urine? Good? Not good?
where are residents? In a common room visiting? Music? Get lunch.. good food?
Activities? MiviecorcTV ROOM?
Excercise? Games? Activities? Excursions?
WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU SND YOUR SPOUSE? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE and UNDERSTAND?
you can ask other visitors how they feel about the facility..
do smile ask questions and look and smell.. see if residents are out n about or stuck in their rooms..
one place has a glass of wine for people who’s like a glass.. socialization is important..
and so is location.. how long will it take you to get there?
Remember some places may be too big… my aunt lived by herself for 44+ years..
i put her in a micro community… TOO BIG!!!
finally out her n mom in a 6 pack together.. one stop shop..
MY Doctor ASKED WHAT CHANGED? 2 elders in same place… one stop… I was the only caretaker … and being able to visit one place.. very changing..