Her health problems include dementia which seems to be progressing, rapidly. I am a very fit, physically and mentally, 90-yr-old, who would like to resume playing tennis 3 times a week as well as long-term stay travels. While we have family nearby, for various reasons, it is inconvenient for them to help out with any regularity or for long periods. I am feeling some guilt for considering memory care for her, even though I know she would receive more appropriate care. Should I feel selfish?
Whst does it smell like??
clean, urine? Good? Not good?
where are residents? In a common room visiting? Music? Get lunch.. good food?
Activities? MiviecorcTV ROOM?
Excercise? Games? Activities? Excursions?
WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU SND YOUR SPOUSE? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE and UNDERSTAND?
you can ask other visitors how they feel about the facility..
do smile ask questions and look and smell.. see if residents are out n about or stuck in their rooms..
one place has a glass of wine for people who’s like a glass.. socialization is important..
and so is location.. how long will it take you to get there?
Remember some places may be too big… my aunt lived by herself for 44+ years..
i put her in a micro community… TOO BIG!!!
finally out her n mom in a 6 pack together.. one stop shop..
MY Doctor ASKED WHAT CHANGED? 2 elders in same place… one stop… I was the only caretaker … and being able to visit one place.. very changing..
I’m sorry that you are struggling with caring for your wife. Please reach out for help. No one can do everything all on their own.
if and when you do place her, please make sure that you have a picture in her room and a fun story about her framed next to her picture. If she has a POLST frame that that nicely for all to see… no looking for it, no need to ask anyone if she has one; it’s on the wall. This is important if you plan to go on long travels. It sounds like you would be the only one visiting her on a regular basis,
The bonus will be that you will be able to reclaim your life and enjoy the time you have left. You will be able to be a husband and not a caregiver for your wife.
Good luck to you.
Having a loved one with dementia is heartbreaking. Your goal is to make sure she is safe and has the level of care she needs. You should not feel guilty trying to find the care she needs. Nor should you feel guilty wanting to stay physically and mentally active. In fact, having your own activities will enable you to better deal with the stress of watching her decline and enjoy the time you have together better. In memory care, there will be activities that you cannot provide at home. There will be a nurse on duty so they will be able to respond to emergency medical needs quickly.
You may have guilt feelings if she is one of those who resists leaving her home. Some of that is natural fear of the unknown and they will more likely than not adjust. We were talking to the daughter of another resident whose mom was very unhappy about going to AL and was just going to stay in her room...making her family feel very guilty. Now her mom is always the life of the party at social events and participates in all the other activities.
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Hello, everyone is different. Some people have no doubt about wanting to look after their loved one's and the question you posted wouldn't even cross their minds, some people will have a vast array of help from family members, so it frees up time for others and some will consider care homes, help facilities, etc for their loved ones. Then there's the question of memory care, how advanced is it, will your wife understand, will she feel let down.
These are hard decisions for sure, but sounds like you are handling all this care alone and the time you're putting into caring for you wife, is taking joy out of your life. I think you deserve the joy, you are a fit person at your age. I think a good compromise can be reached by putting your wife in a good caring environment, where you are able to stay with her when you want to. Plus you can do the things you enjoy. Life is to be enjoyed and you lucky than many to have your fitness at your age; I say make the most of it.
Love & Peace.
1. OP you've probably been married to your wife for a long time. You and her had YEARS to discuss this. You two must have discussed it. For example, "Darling, when we get old, how about we try to take care of each other at home. But darling, if it gets too much for you, please don't hesitate to put me in a facility or hire in-home care." It's impossible you two never talked about the topic, even just let's say 5 years ago, when her dementia was less severe.
2. OP if you have money for tennis and travel, you also have money to hire in-home care, in case you do want to keep her home, since you said you fear you're being selfish if you potentially put her in MC.
3. Whoever you are OP, obviously it's your decision what to do. You must decide, not strangers on the forum.
I suggested a viable solution for your situation. If you place your husband in a facility, it will solve your issue.
Why do you feel that it has to be you that cares for him? Let others do the heavy lifting and you can visit him as his wife and not his caregiver. Why haven’t you hired someone to help you?
You are certainly entitled to your opinion. When others see you struggling they will offer suggestions. You are free to decide what is best for you.
Just know that my suggestion was to help you. I did the backbreaking work of a caregiver. I had my mom in my home for 14 long years. She had Parkinson’s disease and dementia. I know how hard it is for you to be a caregiver and I empathize with you.
You are the definition of Superman. The super hero in the cape doesn’t hold a candle compared to you!
Caregiving is an endless job. You’ve been an incredible husband. I would say that it is way past time for you to think of yourself.
Please place your wife in a facility. Then go visit her as her husband and let the staff do the caregiving! You have earned a break. You have paid your dues and then some!
Best wishes to you and your dear wife.
Enjoy your tennis games! You should be hanging out with my 100 year old cousin who still drives and attends her weekly exercise classes.
He’s seen it for many years.. it’s the OLD PERSON’s FAULT !”
Why? BECAUSE THE OLD O
PERSON most times would agree out of shock, guilt, confusion…
Ya ya, but most accidents happen within a mile from home? Is that true? I honestly do not know…
My friend was hit by an elderly person, hit the gas instead of brakes. Luckily nobody was hurt…
You can feel grief. You can feel sad. You can not feel guilty.
You already say she will get more appropriate care in a memory care facility.
I am sure she will also be safer in some regards. (This is not saying you can not safely care for her yourself. )
If you are still wondering....
What would YOU want her to do if it were reversed and you had dementia and she were able bodied?
Once in MC and you visit you can be with her as a loving husband NOT as a sole caregiver. I think the time you spend with her will be more focused on her and not her needs.
You've gotten some pretty good answers to your question about "feeling selfish", so I'll leave that one alone.
glad to hear the word tennis!! Keep going!!!
:)
He was also fit and healthy (but a terrible tennis player), but he ended up dying first.
We never know what's in store for us, especially at 90, so if I was you, I'd be considering MC for your wife solely because you're looking ahead to the time when you might possibly not be able to care for her. The worst thing in the world was my mother losing her husband of 66 years, burying him, and having to move from her home of 50+ years to a nursing home all in the span of two weeks. I had to do it as I couldn't care for her in my home, and it broke her brain the rest of the way and broke my heart. I did it with my dad's blessing, because he didn't want what happened to him to happen to me.
It's my Dad's turn now. If he were to go first my life tale will mirror yours.
I feel I've taken away parts of her live that affect her desire to function. I see the day coming to avoid the damage I'm causing getting professional help might be wise. This is defiantly uncharted territory for us.
So no, you should go into it feeling your doing it for your wife's best interest. I don't know about you but I sometimes feel my health going sideways simply by focusing always on her needs. At 90, if you go down, what happens to her if she's not already being taking care of?
You do the best you can with the cards that are dealt.
If her condition has deteriorated to the point of memory care, nursing home care, she NEEDS the daily care.
I am amazed and touched and humbled when I watch him putting in flowers in their yard that she can't see! He keeps an absolutely immaculate house. I have never heard him raise his voice to her and calls her 'sweetheart'--or 'my love' even when he thinks no one can hear him.
Luckily they have a LOT of support from family, so he does get the occasional half day off (meaning 4 hrs). I go over from time to time to sit with her and chat, b/c he likes to know she has company.
NOBODY would look down on him if he had opted to place her in care years ago, but he chose not to. Would anyone think less of him if he did? Absolutely not.
My point is, there is NO one right or wrong way to do care. This man is one in a million--but there may come a time when he cannot maintain this level of care. Would anyone call him selfish?
He's doing what he's choosing to do, and doing it perfectly. You do what YOU need to do and leave selfishness on the shelf. It's not selfish to self care and I don't know your dynamic at home.
Weigh the pros and cons. I personally think you'd both be better off if she were in a place where he needs can be met and you can be her husband and be loving and kind, but allowing others to do the daily stuff.
Anyone who judges you as selfish should walk a day in your shoes. And no GUILT. That's for people who are bad and mean. You obviously care a lot or you wouldn't have done this for so long.
But then, after a couple of weeks, her attitude started changing. She was generally more settled. She still had the dementia misperceptions and some of her narcissistic behaviors, but she seemed happier and more secure.
If you had asked me in the first month if I had done the right thing, I would have responded that I had, but you would have read between the lines that I wasn't so sure about it. Ask me today, eight months later, and I give a resounding yes. No reservations about it at all I strongly believe that reducing the size of her environment gave her peace and security so that we could better focus on slowing down the progression of her memory loss.
As I think about it, I can only imagine how frustrating and perhaps frightening it must be to see doors and sidewalks and thing that go to places beyond what the mind recalls.
That's the simple one word answer to your question " should I feel guilt?"
Here are a few other things to perhaps help you " feel" better about the difficult decision:
1. Since you say that there are few others to ' help out', wouldn't you feel better knowing that you have had the say in deciding where and how your wife will be cared for, in what facility etc etc; rather than risk something happening to you ( God forbid) first and then she is left at the mercy of all those who have no time for her ( or to help you) now ??
Even though you share your health is good ( yea!), one never knows what simple things could happen that could impact your ability to care for your wife. Not to mention that 24/7 , 365 days a year 'on duty' care in your home with someone advanced in dementia presents a host of safety issues for you both.
Please do confer with her PCP and get referrals as you need to start making the decision that you already are aware needs to be made....
Also seek support for yourself, spiritual, emotional and grief related care from your faith leader of choice or a community chaplain.
Peace
What matters is what you think of yourself.
If you were to be honest, if your wife were not riddled with dementia and you asked HER this question, what would HER answer be?
I can tell you unequivocally that, were my husband in your position with me being so ill, where because of physical ailments I was shackled into my home, and because of my mental ailments he was shackled to me, to the point where he had to give up everything he loved and everything that made him HIM, the man that I love more than anyone, I would tell him the situation had become untenable in the long term; that it was time he placed me somewhere I was safe and cared for, and went back to being the man I fell in love with, and not a slave to my increasing, never ending needs. I would expect there would be a fair amount of guilt; but I would hope that he would come to realize that it is the best solution to a situation in which there are no GOOD solutions. Sometimes that's all that fate leaves us with, and it's a waste of energy to rail against the way the dice fall.
I hope you can come up with a solution that gives you some measure of comfort and peace.