I am “the mother.” I read all your posts, questions and I really sympathize with you. Do you know, however, how difficult it is to be old?

Hello Fatalist.
You have my full support of your situation and I find it incredibly sad that you do not get to see your grandchildren etc...
In the case of my mother she has been offered drives out of the house on a good day, I would take her around little gifts, plants, little surprises, something from the markets in the way of cut glass which we know she loves.
Hubby and I would take her around fish and chips or takeaways almost every weekend and we rarely even got a thank you.
I use to visit her every day up until about a month ago as my sister is very vindictive and manipulative and she and her husband have managed to poison our mothers mind against all the other 4 siblings.
They have worked in aged care for over 30 years so they know which buttons to push.

Whenever we took our mother a meal she would complain they were too greasy or the chinese was "Very Ordinary" so we have done all the above for her and I would truly love to have a caring loving mother like yourself.
We IE Hubby and I were the ones that took her on holidays, took her down the coast to visit her brother and sister when she was well enough to go whilst my sister and her husband here never lifted a finger to do likewise.
I use to have to take our son out of school at 8 years of age to take Mum for chemotherapy and 16 years later she is cancer free and has beaten bladder cancer and had a small low grade lump removed from her breast but she is 90 and living independantly but is forever complaining when her youngest daughter has had full breast reconstruction from breast cancer.
She has nothing good to say about any of the other 4 siblings whom we have all had serious health issues.

Now that my sister has manipulated Mum the last few months it has torn our hearts out.
The put downs, the sarcasm and nastiness have broken our hearts.
She has lied to my other siblings about us and hubby and I are gutted
My hubby never had his mother.
He was 3 when she passed away and his father left them with his grandparents who would be watching on in horror at my mothers abuse and ill treatment of us both.
They were the most caring loving grandparents anyone could have ever wished for.
So as I said I cannot comprehend your pain at your tender age and feeling so lonely.
I can tell you have had a very confronting life.
Our son when at High School got the honour of going and meeting two ladies that survived the holocaust and no one at your age let alone what you have been through should feel lonely and I find that incredibly sad.

I am going to go and do some vountary work and visit the elderly in the nursing homes here that do not see their loved ones.
I think that it is sad that a good parent like yourselves are feeling lonely.
It should never happen but in my mothers case it has been gutwrenching and soul destroying to have to walk away but it is affecting our health and if you ever need a kind soul to talk to feel free.
Cheers
Pipsqueak.

It would be interesting to talk to her long distance living, don't care family and their views of what's happening. There are two sides to every story. She sounds manipulative and passive/ aggressive. Just a poor, SWEET old lady being mistreated by her family.... there is always another side.

Compassion, kindness, love - I will take this to heart. It's all that matters after all is said and done.

I really wish my mother was a good person and deserving of such kindness. Her husband of 53 years died 10/15/19 and she is walking around the house whistling. Yes everyone is different bad young people turn into bad old people. You don’t seem to be such a person, so step forward into the light. Find organizations to provide you with the companionship you need and deserve..
Blessings

Well said!

Yes, all to true. We have nothing in common with younger people, it seems. I can recommend something for you. I don't know where you live but is there a senior center near you that you could join? Or, move to a senior living place. I live in a wonderful place and have made new friends. Lots of activities and short day trips to nearby places. Bridge clubs, book clubs, discussion groups, exercise classes. I feel very fortunate. I moved there by myself 8 years ago and I am glad I did. You can have as much company as you want. It is good for men too as they can meet other men and not be only with their wives all the time. There are also some support services like housekeeping and some meals and a nurse on duty. We have parties too. You could have a good time in such a place.

Although Fatalist hasn't been back to respond to any questions or comments, I don't think this is a troll. Going to the profile and selecting 'answers', OP has posted comments to other threads.

Although I have not read every comment, I do agree with several that I did manage to read:
1) We don't know what the situation is on the other side (children, grandchildren, etc) other than they live a distance away.
2) Communication is a 2 way street
3) Happiness comes from within.

To make suggestions for #1, we would need to know a LOT more about the family members in general. Were they and OP in touch often before her husband became so ill? I did see in the other threads that they were very active, traveled, etc. Did those travels include visits with the other family members? Is the disconnect because of distance and illness or is it something more deep rooted? This is really beyond our capability to fix, other than to suggest trying to reach out and make contact without any of the complaints about the current situation.

Followup to the above covers #2 - obviously you can't communicate with those who have passed on. This does become an issue for the elderly - our mother is 96 and has outlived both sides of the family in her generation and likely most of her friends. Those friends who remain were in worse physical shape than she was when we moved her to MC, so they wouldn't be visiting. Mom can't hear well, so there is no phone. Again, not knowing the dynamics involved, we can only suggest that YOU reach out to friends and family, express love and how much you miss them and would like to hear from/see/visit with them.

As for us trying to do something to make our elders (or anyone) happy, as noted happiness does come from within. Clearly a phone call or card would be welcome and might cheer you up for a short while. A visit would be even better, but since we don't know that side, it is something you would have to work out. Reach out. You never know - perhaps they don't realize what you are going through or understand your loneliness. Sometimes when we don't see people for a long time, we think of them as they were before - clearly you were active and perhaps they don't know. Perhaps they do, but can't deal with it. My OB visited mom alone ONCE briefly while here to get condo sorted out - he refused to go back, stating he didn't know what to do with her. Granted in our case mom has dementia, but at that time the biggest issue was repetition. You *could* still get a visit in and cheer her up. YB rarely goes, but is being forced into appt transport as I can't support her weight and she is refusing to stand/walk without help. We shall see how long that lasts. Although he is 10 years younger and still has to work, I mentioned it once to him that by the time he retires, he'll be scot-free. My retirement has come down to managing everything for her, including all appts until recently.

Does it cheer her up for us to visit? Perhaps. Generally I get two statements/questions when I go to visit: "What're you doing here?" and "Where'd you come from?" Nice greeting. My visits have dwindled for several reasons, including that in addition to living in the past (asks for her mother) and the repetition is the hearing loss. It is very hard to carry on any kind of conversation with someone who can't hear you (we used an LCD tablet but that has gone AWOL.)

But, general response to it all - not everyone had a "Camelot" experience growing up. Some people want to remove themselves. Some did, but the elders have become too difficult to visit/care for. Dementia is not a problem for you at this time, but we don't know what other factors are in play.

The suggestions to hire some assistance for yourself so that you can get out, join activities, meet others, etc, is something you should consider. If you sit and just wallow in self-pity because the family isn't there, you need to move on and make some kind of life for yourself.

I'm with you! However I'm only 82 have lost my husband of 50 years. We had 3 children, 2 boys who live quite a distance from me and a daughter who is my life saver. She & husband allowed me to build out their 3 car garage into a Nanny house 10 years ago and I'm still here. I do help on the utilities etc. I have been mostly self sufficient until about a year ago when I began to have a bit more health issues. She now takes me to most of my Dr appointments. I do my own grocery shopping, banking and drug store runs. My grandchildren are all grown and have no time for me. I have a couple of friends that live quite a distance, but they do call on a regular basis. I am thankful for that.
I am a bit challenged with getting around without a cane or rolling chair. When weather is not too hot I can get outside and plant a few flowers or pull a few weeds. I enjoy that very much. We live in the Houston area, so the weather gets quite hot in Spring and Summer.
I try not to complain because my daughter and son-in-law have jobs they are responsible to keep going. It is nice to read these posts and see others who have similar or worse situations. I am thankful for being where I am. I do give my daughter 'extra' spending money fairly regular for all that she does.
My two sons don't seem interested (or don't care) to help. It would be nice if they would give her a break now and again. It's not much fun in these "Golden years" because they have become a bit tarnished!!

I think Fatalist is gone. She has never been back since her original post.

You are a pure Gem. What joy and heartache to read your post.
GO HAVE SOME FUN. Somewhere. Somehow. I hope you can make that happen.
A word to all of us... Go Visit someone that is lonely. Share a laugh, a smile.
God Bless you and your family.

I am 79, widowed for 15 years this month. health manageable. I am currently living with my daughter, who has a husband and one grown son still at home. I am still working full time. My other three children and families are within 100 miles.

What keeps me going is being active in a church I have attended since I was first married. I have friends of various ages, most of them 10-20 years younger, but there are still some older and less active than I am, whom I make a point of spending time with. I am part of a small group that meets weekly, sing with a trio that goes to senior residences with classic gospel music, and play piano for another small group that does music and Bible study weekly at a local assisted living complex.

My father lived alone for about five years after Mom passed; and I was a day's drive away. He did spend time with my brother, also about a day's drive, but our home church family had a group of older folks who did weekly dinners together and kept track of each other. Two of my brothers' widows had similar support in their church communities as well as their grown children, some of whom were within commuting distance. My third brother developed Parkinson's Disease, and after his wife passed, he sold their house and moved closer to a son, who arranged a really good fulltime caretaker which worked for awhile and then he wound at his son's with the caretaker as backup. Fortunately, his dementia was variable--sometimes he would be in another decade, and sometimes he was right with it. No, it's not easy, but keeping in touch with good people is a real key to dealing with generational changes.

Thank You.

I understand implicitly. We do not realize in our "Camelot" years how difficult old age can become. How debilitating and unpleasant to look upon. Nor how it will be when friends are gone or choose not to be a part of your life. You have said well what my heart calls for; understanding, compassion, love, kindness, Even a phone call means the world. Just wanted to say I relate and send you thanks for voicing my heartbeat. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless.

I have seen people get old, and yes, i really am seeing how difficult it is to get old.

You have to be tough to grow old. SO TRUE.

Thank you Fatalist for your post about aging and it’s inherent challenges of physical, social and emotional needs.
Every new phase in life requires us to adjust! Nothing stays the same.
Nothing last forever. Change is the sure thing.
What I found helpful is not to be surprised by anything. Sickness, loneliness, is part of life. I do not fight it but I proactively work at bringing joy every day into my life.
Our adult children have to live their lives. We as Parents do our best to
enrich our life with our friends, with music, with praying, with reading, with exercising, with volunteering etc etc so we do not burden our children for our care and for our happiness.
We are all responsible for our OWN happiness.
Reaching out to our children to express our love is a welcoming gesture that can touch them deeply... but asking for companionship from them is not what they need in their hectic lives...
We feel good about what we did for them to guide them through life, to support them and to see them being good people, successful, raising beautiful families. That is I believe our reward.
The “old age- stage” is known to us,
and not known to them...
So, it is our duty to be good to ourselves by staying positive and involved for as long as we can!
Join groups, libraries, community day trips, book clubs etc.

We will be the rainbow we are looking for and sunshine in someone else’s life, while we learn to dance in the rain, during the storm ☔️
If we cannot calm the situation we are in, then we have to calm ourselves so we can move on.
We have to be flexible so we bend and we do not break...

No one is responsible to make us happy or uplift us. We must do it ourselves. The only time we control is today. So I ask myself, in spite of my many challenges of being a Caregiver for my husband, am I good to myself today? With God’s help I can do it...
I listen to very uplifting motivational podcasts like Pastorrick’s Daily Hope.
What dynamic messages that feed the soul!!
I wish you find ways that uplift you.
They are out there. Do not be afraid to try. There are many Community based Senior Center activities. Do not expect anything from a specific person , so you may avoid disappointment...
In reality, each one of us goes through life alone. No one will completely understand our needs at each stage in life. It is all ever changing. Everyone is absorbed in fulfilling their own needs...
Go with the flow. Do your best and always pray for the rest!🙏

Stay strong! Keep smiling! Count your blessings everyday and share some of those blessings with others. It will do your soul a lot of good.

Sending you and this special forum,
positive energy, empathy, understanding and encouragement.
Hugs 🤗 and love 💕

I hope your children and Grand Children all come to visit you for Thanksgiving and Christmas and every Summer

Has the OP responded to any postings?

It is not easy getting old that is for sure. I see it everywhere around me. I am older (62) and all my friends and family are older too. My father just passed away at 93 and my mother is 91. It is sad that they are (were) not able to do the things they used to do and have limitations with health, walking, hearing and cognitively. Almost all of my parent's friends have died as well. In the last few years they spent most of their time in the comfort of their home, which they seemed to enjoy. Some of the people (friends) I worked with at my first job from 30 years ago have died as well. So, yes it is terrible to get old for everyone. And it makes me sad when I think of those carefree and happy by-gone years, but that is life.

I commend you for being a Holocaust survivor. My father was born in Italy and spoke often of his experience during that time as a young boy. He also worked with some survivors years later at his job here. So I can only imagine what you went through.

I appreciate your sentiments about being more caring and understanding of our elderly family members. I will leave it at that, because being a caregiver is very difficult, even in the best of circumstances. I wish you and your husband well.

Thank you for your perspective. A very good reminder. Sending love to you.

Much love I send to you today, dear lady.

What a heartfelt comment from "the other side". I am not in the same situation but similar as far as the loneliness goes which I think a lot of seniors feel. We can have lovely and kind children and grandchildren who cares but somehow they still don't get it that small gestures means a lot. Short phone calls just to let you know they are thinking about you, an email or a quick stop by if they live close, maybe it's like most things in life you have to experience it before you understand it...

You have to be courageous to handle old age and a loved-one's disability! Best wishes to you. Have you considered moving closer to your children so that it would be easier to visit? My mother gave this great gift to me. She was living a difficult 5 1/2 to 6 hour drive away with no public transportation and moved to a senior facility within 1 1/2 hour of where I live with my husband. I can take a bus to see her. It means I can visit weekly instead of a few times a year. It has been good for me, and I hope also for her.

When my father was in transitional care, we met a lovely lady who was also there while her leg was healing. She was instrumental in helping my father get through the process, as he had moderate dementia and she was so kind and considerate to him and another young fellow recovering from stroke. She had many friends of all ages and was married. Her husband was terribly dependent upon her and very lonely while she was recuperating. She is now 94 and I am 65. Her husband passed away a few years ago. Her calendar is so full, I can't get on it. She's lucky to have all her faculties and still be able to drive, but she is slowing down a bit as you would expect. I was always impressed with her ability to make friends across generations because she expressed interest in them. Her son lives in a less populated part of the state and doesn't like "city life" so he doesn't visit much. I wish he would. Thankfully, she has caring friends and neighbors.

I always want to impress on people that life goes by quickly and there are no promises for tomorrow, so spend time with those you love while you can. Your kids should help you make this happen. And we will all go through disability and loneliness before our lives are over, so we need to be sympathetic, patient and understanding.

Dear lady, do you belong to a church? If you let them know what you need, they will usually make it happen. Churches are full of wonderful caring people.

What a dear, sweet post. I don't hear you complaining, just expressing your sadness at being mostly alone with limited family and social contacts. Maybe you will feel uplifted by some of the responses in this forum.

Do I understand that you take care of yourself and your husband there at home? That's a big job in itself. If you are able to go out during the day, is there a community or senior center where you might find exercise classes or interest groups? I live in an urban community with a YMCA, JCCA, book clubs, a community center and some independent senior activity centers. We have lots of participants in their 80's and 90's. For those of us who live alone, attending those classes is important social contact.

Appreciate that your are in good health yourself to help your husband. Investigate activities you might be able to be a part of even if you needed to hire a care-taker for a few hours to monitor your husband.

Good luck to you. Certainly make use of this forum for any support and encouragement some of these posts might give you.

Im sorry that you are feeling so lonely and depressed! My husband and I are in our 70s 71 and 74. We have many friends who are older and have lost 3 of them. We still have 3 who are 88-89 and we have such an incredible friendship with them that I cant imagine allowing anyone of them to be left alone to handle aging by themselves! We all go out for hamburgers on Tuesday nights and when someone cant get there because of vision problems we make sure he has a ride! Friday nights are also a nice dinner night with our friends! We take turns choosing the restaurant and sometimes there are 4 of us, sometimes there are 12. We dont really care where we go, it is all about the friendship! We have been doing this for 35-40 years! As I said, I cant imagine anyone of us being left out because of aging, it will never happen!!
maybe its time to call some of your younger friends and suggest going out for lunch or having them over for pie and ice cream, just to rekindle the friendships that you once had! Dont let the depression and loneliness consume you, you are the only one in control! Call your kids tell them you miss them and would like to see them and maybe plan something with them!
Good luck, be happy!

My father recently passed away a week ago and before he got sick, I have never realized how tough it is to be old. 

I did notice the loneliness, too, when he was home and in assisted living (and it was tough to see him go through that). He always said to my mother "Nobody ever comes to visit me, I don't have any friends or family that visit." My mother would mention that I would visit, along with her and also a couple of friends that lives at my mother's apartment complex. He said "I know but I wish I could see more." We mentioned that to my nieces and nephew and they said that they would send cards. They never did send cards. My brother decided that they were going to visit him, the day before he passed away. At that time, he was sleeping a lot. They saw what he was doing (sleeping) and left for home. The next day he died. 

My Dad said to me once "We like it when you come over for a visit. Since we are getting older, we love to sit and visit with others." I ended up doing it more when he got ill, I wished would of done it more when I was younger and when he wasn't ill. Since I am getting older (46 years old), I am realizing that I appreciate a good visit at home/resturant/etc more than a good night at a bar. For a couple of years now, I have been volunteering with a group of friends doing bingo games at the vets home a half hour away from me--I really like the visits, Some of them are really young at heart, tell some interesting stories and have a good sense of humor. Many of them don't have relatives or friends that visit with them, so these games are a treat for them. They like the prizes, but most importantly they love the company and visits. I plan on continuing that in the future. I also suffer from clinical depression, so the volunteer work at the Vets home and at the food pantry (also work there, too. Many seniors have to sadly rely on food pantries because of their fixed incomes.) really help my depression. To me, volunteering for these organizations make me feel good and it makes me happy that many people feel good after someone visits with them.

I am also looking at volunteering at the coffee shop at my dad's old ALF, but I need time to grieve. When I feel I am stronger again, I will put in a volunteer application there, but now, I am focusing on getting through this tough time and helping my mother with her loss (We have been spending a lot of time together).

(Note: My mom is active in knitting groups-She knits stuff for homeless shelters and domestic abuse centers. She has made many friends (Younger and older) and many of them have been there for her since my dad got sick and after he passed away). She plans on seeing them more now. Friends and family are helping her through this tough time in her life...Do you enjoy knitting or crocheting? Maybe you could get involved in a group that makes things for less fortunate people? It helped my mom, maybe it will help you. Just a thought. )

I love your attitude and admire your outlook.

God bless you. I am shocked and saddened by some of the heartless, selfish responses. You deserve from your children and grandchildren all of the love you gave to them. They may not realize how lonely you are, that you cannot leave your husband to travel and see them, and that he is no longer the companion he was even though you still love each other.

Your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren can keep in touch through video chats weekly. I have one daughter who was "lighting Shabbos candles with Bubie" in a video chat every Friday afternoon, so that Bubie could see them and they would know who she was. It isn't as good as a hug but it is still wonderful.

If your husband's health is stable, hire a companion to come with you and take care of him and help both of you to travel to see the family.

Make a party for your birthday/his birthday/your anniversary and invite the family.

Ask them to include you in their parties and events via live streaming video.

Finally, if you can't do any of this, tell your children that you both love them and miss them, and ask them to come visit while Zadie can still interact with them. I flew my kids in from Israel to see my father in the hospital. He actually recovered enough that we had him for 2 more months. That visit made all the difference for Dad, Mom and my kids. No guilt about what wasn't done, just memories of love shared.

Thank you so much for your post! While I agree that growing old has many difficulties and losses, it is a kindly thing to try to lighten the load - not because of any obligation - I agree that no one can be responsible for providing another's happiness.  But acts of kindness are good and valuable things, for all of us humans.

I read some of ther responses...and i'm not sure where the responders were coming from. I do not hear complaining, just giving a perspective of this "older" person. Glad to hear from that perspective.

I am 68. I skate, take tai chi as a form of moving meditation, and frequently go out for lunch with friends. I still travel and go camping with my son's family once a year. I am still socially mobile (meaning i have a car and can still drive to go places). As we age our loved ones and friends die and for some, our ability to drive is gone....And since our peers are in the same shoes ( or have died) we don't have someone to drive us to and from and we become isolated. I drove my parents shopping, to appointments, visiting, church. But no one else came over to visit them. They missed people. They missed their independence (socially & physically). And there's not mutch one can do living only on social security, so my sibs & i helped there too. Growing old is not for the faint of heart. It can be frightening too when you cannot remember yesterday, when confusion sets in and you don't understand what's happening around you.
Take heart people. "Old age" is not the "golden years" people dream of.....it's fools gold. Personally i dread the prospect and hope to "die young" (regardless of the number of candals on my cake). But...i too will probably be in a nursing home, being fed and diapered, and lonely, isolated, frustrated and frightened.
That's just reality. So...have compassion. Breed compassion in others. Our turn is coming.