Let me tell you my story, I am 88 years old and I have a husband who is 98. We have been married and in love for 70 years.
We had a “Camelot” the entire married life. Both of us are Holocaust survivors and living in the great USA was a dream come true.
HOWEVER! The dream has ended. My dear husband is old. Not seriously sick, but the parts are worn out. Can’t walk anymore, can’t talk anymore, can’t hear anymore, can’t eat anymore and of course some memories issues. Since we are so old, most of our friends are dead and the younger ones do not want to do anything with us.
Nice picture so far? We have children, grandchildren, great grandchildren but they all live at some distance and have their own lives.
I am young! I take care of how I dress, how I smell but sometimes the loneliness gets to me. I hate to complain for I know what a pain it is for the receiver. It hurts me tremendously that I can’t visit my little ones and that the family I created and raised is not with me. Yes, I also get depressed, but I seeked medical help and in spite of that it is so so hard. No one to talk to, no one to visit, no one calls, no one comes.
Life is incredibly difficult when one is old, have understanding , pity, and perhaps you who is in all you mental powers can find a solution to make the late years of your parents better. A little gift, a little surprise, a little visit from a loved one.
But to argue, complain, fight?
Ignore their complaints, lie to them, try to understand.
Compassion! Kindness! Love...
It's always been this way - and will continue to be like this until science finds a way to stop the aging process.
Developing strategies to adapt to those losses is the secret to coping with them. Waiting around for others to fill our "emotional void" is never an effective strategy.
Like you, he had 3 children and many grandchildren - but while he was there for them as they grew up, they were not there for him as he aged. I lost him last year at the ripe old age of 97 and I miss him dearly. I would gladly do it all over again just to have him even longer in my life.
What is truly sad is that they all would have come to his funeral - so why couldn't they be there for him while he was still alive?
I'm praying for you today. Again, thank you for your post.
Hugs & Prayers.
This is a teachable moment in that most of us use this forum as a way to de stress or talk about issues that pop up on the
road less traveled.
I am grateful for all those who have come before me who are brave enough to share. It truly makes my journey a little easier.
I also learned that the elderly loved one does not share the same perspective and a way to help each other is to ask:
Caregiver to Elderly “what is it like to be you?”
Likewise the elderly loved one can ask what life is like for me!
There is a great article in AARP this month that shows both sides. The author
admitted herself as a resident before
taking the job as Administrator. She said it was a deep gut-wrenching experience.
She had no “control”, felt invisible after being rolled out into the hallway to sit and certainly no dignity (She gave herself urinary incontinence diagnosis). She was checked every 2 hours even at night and she became sleep deprived and after her 24 hour fake residency she went home and cried.
Bottom line Seniors need “purpose” in daily lives. A reason to get out of bed. But they also need a choice and a voice.
Does the community utilize the resident’s talent and gifts? Do residents wake up when they want? Does the community
adapt to them?
My loved one has been a resident of Memory Care for a year. Add dementia to
the equation and every day is a new day.
I would love to say this is a good forum to
hang around for anyone who “chooses”.
Our kids get busy with their lives without realizing how important grandparents and extend family are for little ones. Our kids refuse to think about the fact they’re the next generation in line to face the very same situation. People need love from birth to death. Without it ones health deteriorates. The elderly have to put great effort out to find new friends as old friends have passed on. Those friends will be younger then they are. So one has to plan an activity both will enjoy and both are capable of still doing. We tend to make excuses for this utterly selfish behavior on our kids because we are afraid the crumbs they offer us will then be taken away altogether. My Mother along with her controllable mental issues has lived with me for 20 years. Not one other family member contributes or cares about her well being. I’ve raised 12 kids along the way. Spent thousands of dollars correcting mistakes they made along the way that easily could have been avoided. The money spent definitely cut into my retirement savings. I’m certain they’ve never even given that a thought. I love them all. A lot of effort was put into their education. I was forever pushing them to do well in school. Helping them succeed. They all have jobs that pay way above the USA average annual income. They are great parents. But their father has a terminal illness they pretty much choose to use the out of sight out of mind plan. I’ve been a caregiver since before my first child was born. There are natural givers in life but far more takers. Sadly no one sees themselves as they truly are. It’s easy to explain away ones actions. No one wants to be guilted. I was bitter about all this in the beginning but I’ve now accepted it. I try to take the high road as when I die and my kids go through my things they will only find love and positive things. I’ve shared this simply because it’s my truth and I’m certain others can relate.
The other thing this reminded me of is the continuum of life that children need to experience. The need to see mom/dad caring for their parents so they understand their responsibilities as you age. They need to see that aging is a part of life and it doesn't mean the person is any less a valued and respected member of the family. They need role models for every age to learn how to cope when they get there. They need not to fear aging.
im “young” compared to you. I’m sitting here with my cat on my lap, crying as I grieve my husband who passed 9 months ago. I never had children. Was a compassionate nurse, and caregiver . Now I grieve these final three months of last year as he was on hospice. No human to really love me , I think I would absolutely end my pain if I didn’t have these animals who love me and would miss me. With holidays and the hallmark Christmas movies non stop all showing love for the young- and that reinforces my life us over.
I’m truly sorry for the issues you’re experiencing. When I’m out and about, seniors are without fail my favorite people to visit with. The wisdom is invaluable. I wish you peace
My Mother In Law has the same age like you, and needs a friend to call, and share memories ... Would you like us to keep in touch? We live in Texas, but can call and chat on Facebook...
Thanks!
All the experiences you have had are so valuable to not just your family but to others.
Have you visited a Holocaust Museum? I bet they would love to have an interview or maybe you could volunteer.
You remind me of my Grandmother she was an amazing woman, strong. I am now 65 and I would dearly love to know that she would have approved of the woman I have become. (same thoughts with my parents, my mom died when I was 11 a year or so later my Grandma then my dad when I was 15)
Make things easy have all your paperwork in order.
Clear out all the "stuff" no one wants. That's gonna be hardest of all
You sound like a remarkable woman!
By the way...the dream has not ended...It has just changed a bit as all dreams do and we learn to adapt to the dream
Your message moved me so deeply, as everything you describe resembles the condition of my own mother, and recently, my mother in law...
It has been a year since I lost my mother, and everything that you describe, including WWII memories, also affected my mother.
I lived with her my entire life, and married late with "the One", a wonderful man who respects parenthood and the essence of the Family.
I was my Mom's nurse, loving daughter and daily companion.
I accepted a demotion and a salary reduction, to work from home.
My Mom lived in our home until her last breath. She was bedridden for a year, yet she never had to go to a place. Our home was her shelter.
I feel happy for this, yet when she was alive, the sadness and some times anger at my siblings for abandoning our Mom would become unbearable...
The moment I lost my Mom, they did nit matter any more. Property rivalry became insignificant, compared to the emotions of gratitude to my Mom, and the pain of separation...
Your words echo what my Mom would say about loneliness. She would cry, asking me why relatives and her other children don't even call. As the daily receiver of these complaints, and heart breaking emotions, I reached a burn out point.
If I could go back in time, I would stop bothering with my siblings. I would still give it all to my Mom. I would cherish the SPECIAL BOND with her more, and would not bother about the financial risk, or the cold hearted relatives.
I have lost my mom, and dont talk to my siblings or relatives, as they all neglected her in her last years.
I write poems about my Angel Mother, and the pain of missing her only goes away by the gratitude of having Her in my life.
As family values have been eroded by a fast paced materialistic society, humankind has committed a crime against our elderly, especially You, the Silent Generation, the WWII heroes.
I am sending you my love, and please remember that God, the spirits of our loved ones and everything that is eternal are always with us, both the Elderly, and their Caregivers....
Compassion, kindness, love and yes lying to them!
As a nurse I’ll suggest to tell their parent a lie. It’s something that some can’t do. However, at times it’s needed.
How wonderful that you both survived that black spot in human history and found each other for your Camelot time together.
I am very sorry your family members don't honor you both better.
Mine don't either, but I am blessed with neighbors and friends who do...at least for now. That will all change as we move into our 80s and beyond and the ravages of illnesses and the realities of death take hold more than they do now.
Hugs to all the elders here.
Like you, my grandmother lives a distance from family.She is in Florida and most of us are in Wisconsin.
My grandmother owns her own home in a manufactured senior community in Florida.She didn’t move there until she was 75, however it’s been a wonderful experience.At first she had a dog (who has since passed) and that helped her get out and meet people.From there she got involved in activities (Sewing, water aerobics, bocce ball).She feels her life is complete and she also comes once a year (by plane) to Wisconsin to visit family for about a month in the early fall.
It sounds like right now you may be a dealing with a few different things, and that you likely are a caretaker to your hubby. This probably adds a new layer to your life that you thought of, but weren’t completely expecting.Part of the loneliness might be from being a caretaker as it becomes consuming-both time wise and emotionally. If this is part of it; are you able to have a home care worker come visit once a week? This could do two things (1)allow you to get out a bit even if to take a walk, watch a movie, join a senior center (2) give you some company (I enjoy my mother-in-laws CNAs at her group home and feel they breathe some life into tough situations).
Also, have you started to plan what your next step in life will look like and how you will remain active and connected with family and meet new people should your dear husband pass? If you will move once this chapter has ended? If you could be closer to family but still remain living independently and what outside interests you will have? This may seem selfish to you to think about, but it will likely be something that you’ll need to coordinate and plan for...and planning may help to occupy your mind and bring comfort down the road.Also I’d share your ideas and thoughts with your family once you have a few options so they understand what your wishes are for the future and that you’re thinking long term about something they may not have wanted to bring up. I have these conversations with my grandma as to what will happen when she needs to move to somewhere with more help and it makes me feel connected and so proud of her that she embraces changes.it also brings me peace knowing when the time comes, the decisions were made by her and not us as with my Mother-In-Law (59) all of her decisions are made by us because she’s unable to care for herself (decision making/cognitively she’s about 6 years old-but remembers a life where she was independent)and she never seems happy with most of our choices, although we try to include her. The biggest challenge is her not accepting that she has to live somewhere with assistance given schizophrenia/bipolar/anxiety that leads to episodes, including long hospital
stays and catatonic states for weeks but it’s too much for our youngish (kids are 15, 2 and Newborn due 12/1) to take on based on her needs.
Just my two-cents :)
Ann
Very good points from a younger perspective and it is appreciated to hear how the adult grandchildren feel.
You have had an extremely mixed life, survival of hardship we cannot imagine, and amazing love with your husband. You have had 70 years of total understanding companionship - we cannot replace that. Even your family cannot replace that.
I understand that probably one day you will lose your husband, but before that time comes maybe it is time to think of moving from the house you have lived in, and finding somewhere that can care for you both as long as you are together and provide companionship with people who are in a similar position. You could move to be near family but they have the younger generations to look after, they will even though near have limited time, and their talk whilst you will be interested will not be easy to relate to. Perhaps some living in accommodation near to them so they could visit would be possible?
But I do understand making any move when one is older is very difficult both to comprehend how it can happen, and not wanting to leave memories.
I do not mean to insult you or reduce in any way everything you have done to survive horror and reach your age with your husband, but medicine is sometimes not doing us any favours as our bodies wear out, sometimes we live beyond what we would choose and with a lower quality of life. No one can tell you how to improve your life - we have ideas, but they are what we see from our age perspective, and what we would choose living when we do. Only you can decide what is best for you.
You do need to talk to your children - personally I would send them a copy of exactly what you wrote here. I hope they would make a little more effort, but they cannot solve your loneliness. I think that finding a group online more your own age would be something you could do as you clearly manage a computer well.
You have been blessed; maybe write letters to your grandchildren and share these memories. Leave your words with them as a timeless legacy...as you have done today. 🙏🏼
As I also have mentioned before, I volunteer with the local Sheriff's Department. There are so many things we can do. Things that may seem small but are so important. One of my girlfriends volunteers at the local hospital holding premature babies who are in withdrawals from drugs.
Why would anyone question her personal feelings and act like a call is the end of the world.
People get busy and we all know outta sight outta mind is all to common is this instant gratification world.
I for one have been encouraged to make an effort to reach out to all of my older friends and relatives just to say hi and I love you.
Suggestions of local organisations to visit or join are easier said than done - unless have someone with you at least initially.
So many live alone, or with a spouse that needs a lot of care, so feel alone with decision making and companionship.
shops used to be a way of doing the necessary whilst having a chat with staff and other people - but staff contracts and turnover now means there are few that stay long or have the time to chat it seems,
i still remember taking dad to his local store the last time - not one person working there had the time or grace to even say hello to him - not often I do but had tears in my eyes looking at my dad trying to speak to staff who just walked away without even a smile.
When my aunt shortly followed by uncle died. I was so used to visiting them several times a week in their respective nursing homes that I kept forgetting and turning up. Rather than just turn round and go home - I went in and chatted to residents I knew didn’t get visits. Learnt about them and took little gifts. I make sure I have time to chat for a few minutes with anyone my age group upwards if necessary when shopping as I’m all too aware I may be the only person they have a conversation with that day. I smile - as much as possible - it’s surprising how many people don’t - yet a smile is free and infectious.
Having said all this...you sound like an exceptional individual that still has much knowledge and wisdom to share. Please consider doing some volunteer work, particularly with schools. We need our children to understand history, as more of the knowledge is slipping away into the basement of time every day... Please consider sharing yourself with other people.... Blessings to you!