My frail 93 year old widowed mother lives alone in her hoarded house. The entire house is affected- curtains closed always, stuff (papers, etc) piled everywhere, plastic bags hanging from knobs all over the place, "goat paths," no where to prepare food or sit, expired food, sticky floors, house smells like urine... She cannot get upstairs to a bedroom or bathroom, so she sleeps on her filthy sofa and cannot bathe regularly. For years, I tried (without success) to convince her to move in with or move near one of her 4 adult children. I am one of three daughters and there is a brother, the oldest. The brother is the favorite- To illustrate: When brother suddenly hit my two year old son for whining, I was angry and my mom took my BROTHER'S side! But- back to the current issue- We girls tried to help clean and organize after our father died, and long story short- we were not able to touch a single thing. She became very angry over us trying to throw away some plastic packaging- nearly ten years later it is still an issue. The brother comes to visit from another state and "takes care of her" a couple weekends each month. The care does not involve cleaning or decluttering--the mess is worse every time I see it. He criticizes us for "trying to throw away all mama's stuff" - but we didn't.
Three years ago, my mother had a medical event and, because my brother lives out of state, she went to live at my sister's house to recover for about a month. She received round the clock care, nutritious food, and was given water to drink on a regular schedule, was taken to excellent doctors and received in-home physical therapy. (Mom had not been taking doctor's advice prior to this, but my sister made sure doctor's orders were being followed to a T.) My sister could not sustain this level of care (she works full time and was up several times each night to help with restroom needs), and that is when she told him it was not a sustainable situation and asked him to have a discussion with her about next steps- whatever that would be, but she could not provide 24/7 care indefinitely. It turned into a yelling argument (about stupid childhood stuff that had nothing to do with the current crisis) and he stopped talking to all of us- except to yell at me when I reached out to him. He has not spoken to any of us in almost 3 years now. I tried to reach out, esp during the holidays, but he did not respond. We sisters have since stopped all attempts to talk with her about her options to living alone and have not tried to clean or anything. Literally, I have touched nothing on the occasions I have visited since. I stand because there is no where to sit there.
I have since read extensively about hoarding disorder, and I now know better than to try to fix a hoarding situation when the person is unwilling to be helped. My brother does not see the situation as pathological. He said he would build a house for her and him to live in IF she would commit and put up money for the house. In the meantime, she is becoming more and more disabled. Her legs are in bandages from sores that won't heal. It is just insane. She won't allow anyone to come inside the house - not even to repair things, and there would be hell to pay if I told anyone (like a social worker or Adult Protective Services) about the inside of the house. She never accepts my offers to visit. She only calls me when she needs me to pick up meds for her. I am now estranged from my brother and won't be reaching out to him again in the future. Mom CANNOT take care of herself and shouldn't be living alone. My sisters are "over it" and are just letting it be. I am more conflicted. I tried so hard, so long, to help. Sometimes I feel like wishing mom and brother the best and walking away forever with no expectations of either of them. My counselor (for depression) says call APS. Mom would just say brother is "taking good care" of her- same thing she tells her doctors and that would be the end of that.
You can do as I finally did, take a video with your phone. I took mom to the dr for appts. and always took written info on how she really was or what she had been doing. She fell pretty much every day. I finally handed the phone to her dr. while mom was in the lab getting blood drawn. The dr. watched the video and was stunned. She was the reason we finally got mom into a NH for rehab and then into the memory unit. The house sits there now since medicaide has put a lien on it for MERP. We hauled a 16' trailer of home canned items, stacked almost 4' high, to a lady with hogs. And didn't get to finish removing the rest. I took the sewing machine I helped her get and my machine she had been using to fill bobbins and some of her corning ware for the grand daughters hope chest. We locked it up securely, including the garage with freezers filled with food, the shed and the fences gates. Burglars broke in over and over. We just gave up. I get letters from the county and tax office telling me I had to pay for everything. NO, I do not. There wasn't enough money to pay for her funeral after the facility got their payment. My husband and I paid it and got 2/3's of it back. My 2 brothers and I do not want the property since it is in a drug dealing area. No will to be found. Those who send letters for payments get a copy of her death certificate mailed to them.
Get out from under that mess or it will swallow you too. Prayers for you. I still feel a bit of guilt over not taking her home but, she refused to let anyone help her. Her choice. Not mine. I have enough on my hands now with caring for my husband.
(It can be difficult to sort out because there are multiple problems/issues that you are worried about going on at the same time and getting muddled together. But call APS. Everything else can be sorted out afterwards.)