We we just transferred my mother to a lovely nursing home. We live in a small town and the facility is no more than 15 minutes away from me. I can't seem to make myself go over more than once a week, if that. Even then, an hour is almost more than I can handle.
I have just spent the better part of 2 years living in her home and taking care of her by myself. I have two brothers and a sister who all live nearby, but simply because I am the only single child with no children, I moved out of my own home and in with her. This was of my own free will. I had no idea what it was going to be like!
She was not a warm and fuzzy person to begin with, but became cold and prickly before very long. I am also disabled so no longer employed, for good reason, but she thought that I could wait on her hand and foot without ever crashing. Wrong! Things got pretty bad between us before she agreed to go. I had to simply tell her I couldn't do it any more when she decided she was no longer going to walk, eat, or get out of bed.
Well, since she has moved the end of December, I have been to see her 3 times. Right after she moved I got covid, then my best friend took his own life. I did finally pull it together enough to go see her a couple of times and she didn't act like she cared whether I was there or not. Now that she is there, my siblings who couldn't go out of their way to come and sit with her for 2 hours once in a blue moon so I could go see my previously mentioned best friend. Thanks sibs, sure needed more guilt.
Now that she is at the nursing home, they are there very nearly every day. Super children at this point! Should I just suck it up and go over there more often. She has told me that she doesn't really care anyway. She has completely stopped eating and drinking, but that has been going on for at least 2 months. How long can someone hang on without eating anything at all? She says she just wants to die and go be with my dad. I do understand that he treated her like a queen her whole life and waited on her hand and foot and loved her with everything in him. I just want her to go to sleep and not wake up. Why can't life give us a break and let that happen. Maybe God is just giving Dad a break for a while. He passed in Aug of 2021. I miss him every minute of every day.
I don't know if I even have a question. Maybe just need to vent. Am I going to feel guilty forever if I don't go more often? She pretty much refuses to talk to me anyway.
dont feel guilty not going. Sounds like mother doesn’t care anyway . I get it. My mother was the same and I miss my great dad also.
And I think the siblings seeing her everyday and them being the good children in her eyes- is just one of those “ life isn’t fair” experiences. I have learned either you can dwell on the injustice and it will rob your freedom and joy- or you can say “ whatever” and let them all live their own life. They sound like jerks so get them out of your life and mind. Praying the Lord brings you new friends that become like a real family to you. They love you because they choose to. Often siblings have no loyalty to family.
Let yourself walk away from the parent . Weather she hangs on or passes- you are free. Focus on that.
I am not surprised that visits with your mother are quite disheartening for you, if she is saying that she doesn't really care if you visit, and then refuses to talk to you at times. It probably really isn't her personal beliefs, but rather frustration over her bedridden state, and fatigue and boredom that results; it may also be the medication that she takes that brings her mood down. You may be the only person that she feels comfortable venting and taking out her frustration on, since you lived with her for the past few years. All of the above, combined with your own fatigue from the past years of caretaking, may be piling up, to the point where you simply do not feel like visiting.
I agree with some of the other comments in this section, you definitely need to take some time off completely for yourself, to rest, relax, and recharge; it seems like you deserve it, and should not feel guilty about it. You may find afterwards that visiting your mother at her nursing home is not that difficult mentally.
I wish you luck with your current situation
Speaking of siblings, I far to understand no assistance, I don't care if you didn't have children. That's a poor excuse that is their mother . Know they are too their every day / let them . I see you didn't mention they took her out of placement with them . No no that is not going to happen/ disrupt their family.
Don't feel upset about your hour , you with her and she wouldn't converse . It's ok she knows it you right know .
Don't even fuss about her not eating . ( Argument) she will . Apparently she still here on earth . Body begins to shut down after 2 weeks of not eating or drinking anything . Brain is the lead organ not the heart . It tells the body what to do. So if no nutrition to brain, thought blood stream in veins . ( Like battery shut down)
I know it's disturbing to her mother say she wants to die. She already feel her independence are gone. ( Transaction) strange people , not home with personal items . It's not mother time, with the Higher Power ( Our God). No you aren't going to feel guilty, you done and made the best choices and safety fir mother all without assistance. Your choice or not your siblings just step aside until know. Did to they agree with decision. If not why didn't they move mother in with them . Verna I been there until August 30; 2020 mother went home to glory in her sleep at Nursing home. I taken care of mother four years a month after I retired then nursing home 18 months . Yes I had siblings no assistance no anything with them refused to give me time alone .Verna let's get back on your feet, find part-time duty $$. Keep the weekends for you. Put your expectations out there. Even if working at the same nursing facility clerk it something . Last yet not least if the property is not in your name Medicaid will take it .
Did you possible used home care at home for mother .
I can go on and on . God knows and see all . They should honor they father & mother . Times are changing haven't you notice the difference each time you visit ( weight , complexion, behavior ect. Verna , I'll be keeping you in prayer Ms Bradshaw/ Pittsburgh,Pa.
Visit her when you want.
After the initial first few visits of screaming for putting her in AL , my mother would pull the silent treatment too or tell me she didn’t care if I visited . I finally decided that when she did that I would leave . I wasn’t going to sit there while she sat on her throne ( recliner) silent . After I cut those silent visits short she started to talk when I came .
It’s also ok to step back for weeks or more if you need too . She is being taken care of . You need to take care of yourself now.
It can be depressing to go to these facilities,even well run ones. There are so many seemingly living on with no quality to their lives.
It’s horrible to be there witnessing how his body and mind have declined in the last four months. I pray every night that God takes him now. There is nothing left to hope for.
Just do what you want to do for yourself. You’ve earned it.