I didn’t sign up for this, living with MIL and I hate it. I want to run away. Is that my only option?

Examine your options. If you feel like you have none, then build one. Do you have employment? education? If not (and I understand it isn't a great time for it) seriously start looking, work on your resume, check the local market, look into community colleges for a trade in demand (dental technician, medical coder, floral arrangement??) Taking a class or having a job, even volunteering or maybe a useful hobby will give you some structure and activity outside the home. This will build your confidence and give a serious statement about your discontent. You may even find that getting out of the house, having other people to talk to, and something of your own may put a whole new perspective on the household.
If no one notices, that's a sign. If they try to prevent you, that's a sign.
You haven't mentioned children or if there maybe a religious or ethnic issue so I am going to work on the theory that you are putting up with this out of hope for what you dreamed of when you married him, but Sweetie, you have been had.

I really wish I had an answer for you. However, I am in a VERY similar situation. Although my MIL is older and in the mid to late stage of Alzheimer’s/Dementia. I have spoken to my husband several different times about how I feel and that she is dominating our lives. At this point my MIL isn’t aware of much; except for her basic needs, focusing on her son, and her anxiety/sundowns. I think it would be better if she were with professionals and others her age. I do love her; but, I want my marriage. Yes, I want my husband - for myself! I don’t like “sharing”. My husband is very close with his Mom as he is an only child and his Father passed many years ago. My husband is adamant that his Mom is with us. He has said that he feels that he owes this to her for everything she did for him as a child. To a point I understand. But, I always feel second. She is his, top, priority. Now, he does try to show me that he loves me. Well, I could go on. But, I
just wanted to let you know that I completely sympathize. I hope you find some help.

I don't really understand about the home she "gave away" to the builders, but if possible, could a MIL cottage be built on your property? A small detached or semi-attached place for a bed, bath, small kitchen and living area? My sister's mother- in- law moved in with them for 15 years. It wasn't perfect, but because she had a wing in one house and a private cottage in another, it was tolerable. And her mother-in-law was a sweetheart. But my sister is a private person and her needs were at least addressed.Your husband's mother would be near, could have meals together..at least one a day, but some privacy would be gained and the main house would be YOURS. Good luck!

From the looks of the responses and my gut-instinct, you are better off out of there, if MIL remains. Unless she leaves, you will have a very unhappy life. Your expectations and promises made, prior to your marriage, have not been fulfilled - that's a red flag for other issues down the road.

If you find no resolve in letting your husband know how your feeling, that doesn't say much for him, and it doesn't say much for how he views your marrage, it makes him look like a "mommas boy"and theres really nothing worse, how long have you been married now? If he wont stand up for you to his mother now, sad to say, he prob never will.i cant help but feel that wont change. And if you are so miserable he should see it, dont sound like he does, and if he dont thats a HUGE RED FLAG for you. If you can support yourself, then leaving and standing your ground just might not be a bad idea, but if you did leave, having an attorney prob wud be a good idea. Ive been married for 28 yrs now, and have had issues with my MIL, BUT HAVE stuck it out by coming up with ways to deal with it, BUT, shes not ever lived with us.
I will say in your husbands defense, it sucks to be in a situation of choosing between a spose and parent.almost a year ago I had to tell my mother she couldnt live with me anymore, and it was very difficult. And now she has dementia and its really hard, cuz she hates the assisted living facility shes at and begs me to bring her back to my home, so its not the easiest thing to do. BUT, my mom is 82, not 60, and she has physical and mental issues. Thats the only defense i have for your hubby. And it does seem like you got duped somehow. leaving now is a better idea than waiting, since youve not been married very long, if thats how you really feel as being your only option.just make sure its what you really feel. Im really sorry your going thru these things.If you believe in God, ask him to help you see things with clarity, He can see you through all of this, but you have to really trust Him.Ill be praying for you,
Blessings abundant to you, may you have strength and wisdom, and peace, with any decisions you make.
And remember, you have friends here, thats what this site is about, Not being alone!

Just a suggestion that I haven't seen yet: print all of this out and ask your husband to sit down and read it. Then ask if he is willing to talk about this situation and do some serious problem solving WITH A PROFESSIONAL MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. You both need to be coached how to listen to the other, because both of you are feeling hurt and defensive. (Did you hear me? BOTH of you? You are so upset that you are making him defensive.)

And no, despite the empathy expressed by some respondents, MIL has no part in this. This is about your marriage. Her needs are an issue that exists outside of that marriage.

But first, make sure you have an escape planned. If he still says no, you are out the next day with no further conversation.

Find her an apartment where maintenance takes care of things. There is no need for her to live with you. If you have kids one day and shes in the house you may find yourself in an even worse situation. You'll be the odd man out.

My husband moved his mom in with us five years ago, against my wishes. She is now 97. I have been so resentful, but I have stopped lashing out at my husband. Honestly, I still don’t like it, especially because he dotes on her. But, she and I work pretty hard to be kind and civil to each other. Not worth a divorce, certainly. If she outlives next, I’ll be of a different opinion! 🤪

Yep, pack your bags and leave now. If you’re going to make a statement...make it BIG. Mean what you say and say what you mean . Don’t return until she’s permanently gone and the locks have been changed. If you don’t, you’ll be second in your husbands heart to this woman forever. “A man shall leave his mother and a woman shall leave her father and the two shall cleave together.”
I have a daughter in law and I would NEVER interfere with their privacy or assume I could move into their home. I honor my DIL and recognize that my dear son’s allegiance is to his wife first, not to me.
Good luck!

You and your husband are married which means you are a team. No one should be allowed To be in the middle of the two of you. Your husband should not be in the middle of you and his mother. No triangles .
He needs to support you and be your team member.
It will not improve and there won’t be any solution unless he realises this.
If he doesn’t, then be loving to yourself and leave.
Don't spend energy competing for him or trying to convince him. Tell him your a team. You love him.
If he chooses otherwise. Leave. Leave. Leave.

Partly due to quoting what you've posted and partly because I have a lot to say, this will be 3 parts, with the other parts posted as a reply to this post!

"...she was having a house built..."
Was she really, or is that the story you were told? As others noted, generally having a house built requires a contract, commitment and non-refundable good-sized deposit! Did you ever see the location, plans, anything?

"...and was supposed to be going to stay with someone until she could move in, so we would have our privacy as newlyweds."
Although she was there during the day, she, in her own way, granted you the "newlywed" period by sleeping elsewhere at night. Clearly the newlywed period is OVER, at least for her (and maybe him.)

"...our home..."
IS it "our" home? Is it in his and your names? If not, it isn't "our" home. If it is in his name, bad enough. Is her name on the deed? Either way, this will be held over your head at some point!

"It’s been over a year now..."
No good homes, not looking, doesn't sound like there are any plans to move. As others noted, there are senior living places, apartments, etc that could be taken until the right house is found, but none of those options seem to occur to anyone else in "your" home.

"I hate living here, MIL runs the house, and my husband gets mad if I even mention trying to tell her anything. I feel like I’ve got to hide away in another room all day, and she’ll still come find me in there. Her friend also comes over all day, every day, and they have loud conversations and watch loud tv."

Again, whose home is this? Be realistic.

"I’ve tried telling my husband how unhappy and uncomfortable I am with the living arrangement, but he’ll just say he’s sorry I’m unhappy and won’t try to make any changes. He says she’s in poor health and we have to be nice. Though if I mention how if her health is so bad, maybe she should look into senior living, he says she’s a strong, capable woman."
Flip-flopping. Either she's capable or she isn't.
Sounds like they have all the answers...

"She’s only in her 60s, and her own mother is still living (in a nursing home) in her 80s. I didn’t agree to live with another woman in the home, ...
In a way, you did - she was there.
"...and I certainly can’t go on like this for another 20 or 30 years. I don’t want to leave my husband, but what can I do to let him and her know that this is an unacceptable way to live, besides packing my bags and leaving? The way things have gone so far, if I tell my husband it’s me or his mother, I’m not sure he’s going to pick me."

The only way to find out who he will pick is to follow through. You could try the week or two away others suggested, but somehow I don't think he will be crawling to you, begging you to come back. Even if he did, what will change? I'm in my later 60s and live ALONE. If I need something done that I can't manage, I hire someone. Although this comment came later, it fits better here:

"His parents separated when he was young, so she raised him as a single mom. Nothing else traumatic."

We also divorced when my kids were young (son was ~3yo.) It was NEVER a nice divorce (tried my best to keep even keel, he was always complaining about the pittance we were getting and trying to drive a wedge between the kids and I.) While I can understand some devotion to his mother, for having taken on a tough job alone, this "arrangement" doesn't sound right. As for how long she might live, her own mother is still living at 80+. My mother is still living (in MC BTW) at 97! That's a long long wait to have some marital privacy and a dicey situation for raising children in (will she bow to YOUR ideas on child-rearing, or interfere every step of the way?) As she ages, will YOU be the one providing all the hands-on care? I'd lay 5 bucks on that...

To be continued...

Set a time limit for MIL to leave, say six months...meanwhile make an exit plan. Don't let these people use you, take advantage of you, love yourself enough to say 'goodbye'! Don't get pregnant, you will be stuck living with this craziness! It sounds pretty miserable! Sorry this happened to you. xo

OH, I forgot to mention one VERY important thing.
DO not even think about having a child now.
As a matter of fact I think I would be wearing a "onsie" to bed until this is straightened out.

I believe this story's writing was on the wall from the day you met the man and you didn't pay close attention. His mom was living with him for 3 years even before you met him. His mom was living with him the entire time you were dating, became engaged and followed thru with the wedding. Regardless of what your boyfriend/fiance/husband said to you at any point in the timeline, I think you knew what was up and hoped for the best anyway. But actions speak louder than words and you weren't listening.
You are not a victim in this, you helped to create it. End it. Get some counseling that will provide you with the skills to make healthier choices to build a beautiful life in your future. Everybody deserves a beautiful life.

Good luck!

It sounds like your husband is more attached to his mother than to you. That relationship is much more long-standing than your own with him. Be prepared for him to choose her, but don't expect the dynamics of all the relationships concerned to change greatly even if mother had more separate living accomodations. It sounds like you entered into an already established relationship, and if you stay, you will continue to play second fiddle to MIL and you will be expected to adapt. Not worth the emotional agony.

Next time, ask yourself, “Even if he never changes, even if this situation never changes, is this something I can live with?”

My advice: RUN!

You married a fantasy of what he could be, of what life could be, rather than what is.

Been there done that. Went from honey moon to living with MIL because she would refuse to live a lone. It took 3 years of building of creating a strong marriage before we packaged a left. You cant become the abuser and let her be the victim. Always remind him that you both will be there for her in anything she needs etc and mean it. Good luck!

Your a newlywed so congratulations! Sorry you’re going through this but it’s not new as you can see by the post. I guess I would ask myself do I love my husband enough to deal with this situation? I think your husband is being selfish so you may have to think about yourself now, because I don’t think he’s going to have a change of heart anytime soon. Big hug 🤗 and good luck.

Me personally, i would tell your husband this is not working for you, did you know at the time you got married that MIL would be living there....i realize she had a house built, but then told builder to keep it?? Something very strange about that situation. I would pack my bags and belongings and walk away from this.....chalk it up to lessons learned. You deserve so much more than this crap!!!!

Well... sorry you are going through this but yeah.... you did kind of agree to it. Mom had been living with him for some time before you moved into what she probably considers "her" home. She is not a minor so why did you not insist that she move before you married and moved in. I think you are in love with your husband but I think you married a fantasy that you wanted to believe. That fantasy is not the reality you are facing now. You either have to make up your mind that you love this man enough to put up with the situation (which could get worse) for the next 10-20 years or chalk this one up to bitter experience and move on with your life. He is the problem because he won't stand up to his mother and he is not going to change no matter what he says to you.
Run

Make a plan and leave.

Gsetting a man to leave his mommy is for sure one of the more difficult things to do. He still had a grip on her apron strings.
I van suggest a counselor who specializes in this type of marital experience. When I first got married. My husband was also attached at the hip to his mommy. If she called at 3am saying her faucet was leaking and she needed him to come fix it, of course he would go, although he had to be at work by 7am and we lived 20 .minutes away and she had several other children who were local that were capable of doing this type of work.
You should seek guidance first, then figure out what is best for your life and marriage.

This may not be the best answer, however here it goes.....
Get your own apartment and have your husband visit privately. He needs it as much as you do. Then make the decision to run if you find Mommy is visiting with your husband at the same time. Having babies now is not the best timing.
good luck!

Something similar happened to a friend of mine many years ago, except it was his adult daughter who husband let call the shots. That relationship was inappropriate on so many levels - I saw it myself on a few occasions (patting daughter's butt, speaking inappropriately about sex, making my friend move at the dinner table so daughter could sit in a particular chair). I stopped being around them when they were together. Too weird for me. My friend put up with this after being told by him she was just jealous, she had a dirty mind, etc. My friend thought he would change and see the error of his ways - honor his marriage vows to her. Their fights over it only worsened. She finally packed her bags and left. He begged her to return; she said she'd come back if they went to counseling. He agreed. She moved back in, and they went to one session. He didn't like counseling. Stopped going. Bad behavior continued. She eventually left for good. Nothing is worth feeling like you don't count in your own home.

Run. Run fast. I am sorry, this was your first year of marriage which is suppose to be a wonderful time of establishing yourselves as a couple, feathering your nest, spending a lot of time together in bed or on the floor in front of the fire. Prolonged dating was the first clue, four years! I feel badly for you, you had dreams of a husband, marriage, a family and it is not working out. So get out while you are still young, cut your losses; there's time to meet someone else. Do NOT get pregnant! Use double contraception. I know you have fantasies of being a mom, want a baby very badly, think this is your only chance; this is NOT the time. It won't save the marriage or make him give up mama. . Rent yourself an apartment, start seeing a counselor to get you through this and keep you from relapsing, falling for his promises about changing. Some people have character disorders, set in concrete. Look forward, start dating asap after separation, don't look back or brood over the lost dream. Start over again, make new dreams. Best of luck .

Imho, this dynamic must be amended. Prayers sent.

Re ‘falling for promises about changing’, my daughter in her late 20s stayed in a relationship for about 5 years, because whenever she brought things to a head the guy was so good at promising to change. The crunch came for her when they both went for counseling, and the counselor told her to give him another chance, he was really sincere, blah blah (ie counselor fell for the line herself). It infuriated my daughter, who had heard it all before, and she quit. She’s now happily married to a lovely guy and they have a little boy.

As others have told you, RUN, RUN FAR AND RUN FAST. Due to the short term of your marriage it will be much easier to sort out financials. He promised MIL was moving out, waiting for her home to be completed. Next was she was going to stay with someone else, um nope, didn't happen, SHE decide SHE wants to be with her son. So be it, they can have each other. This situation is not going to improve, the grown woman is 60, not 80! Neither one of them can let go of each other. Bring a child into the mix, YOU will not have any say about how to care for or raise your child, or she will become very jealous of the attention the baby receives from your husband. Sounds like you may need to take time for you, sort your feelings out, and find someone who loves you, is considerate and respectful of your feelings as you are with theirs. Things will not get better for you, only progressively worse. Even if she moves out there will be complaints that you forced her out of her son's house. Your last sentence summed it up, you think he would pick his mom over you. Good luck, hope things work out for the best. You deserve to be married to someone who puts you and your marriage before extended family.

First of all. I just spent the last 20 years in a marriage where my wife put the wants of her parents ahead of the emotional and financial needs of our marriage. Worse her Mother took FULL advantage of the situation. When we courted my wife talked endlessly about the marriage being the first priority etc, etc. Soon after the we married she was NEVER willing to put her Mother 2nd. We would have a discussion, go to counseling, some change might occur for a couple of weeks then we were right back. I was ALWAYS the evil selfish guy. I know first hand how degrading, dehumanizing and how this situation demolishes a persons self esteem. It also causes you to make BAD decisions and choices about your time, emotions and money. You have only been married a year, there are no children involved. You need to have a very clear and calm conversation with your husband and get agreement on what is his priority? The marriage and your relationship, or his Mother? Unless he adamatly stands up and says you and the marriage are the clear priority you should be prepared to walk out the door right there. If he stands with you then his actions need to prove out those words. The needs of the marriage have to be each of your priorities. If you are going to have any kind of relationship. And there has to be boundaries and they need to be enforced by your husband. If you stay the longer you let this go on the harder it will be to get his Mother to change her ways and stick with the changes. His Mother you said is in her 60s she could live another 30 years. Her needs will ONLY become more demanding. You must be in your 40s-50s? My situation did not end until I was 60. The 2nd time my wife took sides with her Mother and did not stand up for me I should have left. I stayed WAY TOO long!! Our adult children now ask me why did I stay in such a bad situation. It is SOOOO much harder to start over at this age then the age you are at. You obviously were getting along without this guy a couple of years ago so you should be strong enough and independent enough to do it again. Best of success.

I read some of the answers here. Some suggest you are thinking about having children?? DO NOT BRING CHILDREN INTO THIS SITUATION. Your MIL will run all over you and take command of raising the childern and she WILL undermine your relationship with your children. She will do it all under guise of being the helpful grandma. Her son will think it is so cute. "look how how the children take to grandma" When they get older they will have huge emotional problems from the conflicting messages they will get from you and from Grandma and the third conflicting message from their Father. It was what I thought was for teh good of my children that I did not end the nightmare I was in. Turned out when they got older I discovered I should have left and taken the children with me to get them out of a highly conflicting envirnmeent.