She told me long before her dementia set in that I was not her choice of caretaker, my sister was. As soon as she started losing her marbles, and I was the one on disability, and therefore the obvious choice for Primary Care partner, she started in on me with the "You aren't the one I want to take care of me," conversations. It has been over four years now. As a person who is already battling depression, I feel about two inches tall at this point. I take my meds religiously, see my doctors monthly, go to church every Sunday. I don't know what else to do. I am hoping that connecting with all of you will help. Thank you.
Please do not get your feelings of worth from a person with dementia. She probably has no social filter left and says whatever is on her mind. Her statements are more a reflection of her broken perception of reality and not a reflection of you. God chose you, for now, to be the one to care for your mom. However, you do need to consider a few options:
1 - Involve more people in mom's care so the burden is not all on you. Ask help from family members, friends, members of your faith community, and paid help. The goal is to have enough people helping so you can have balance: 7-9 hours of sleep daily, 3 healthy meals eaten at a sensible pace, "time off" to meet your own health needs, and time to interact with people who encourage you and nurture your soul.
2 - If you can not find or hire enough help to lighten your load, it is time to investigate memory care facilities. If they have assisted living and can segue to full memory care when she needs it, that would be the route I would go. Make sure to have others care for mom while you are researching places for her new home.
3 - May I suggest that you need more time with mentally healthy people compared to time with your mother. When I was a student nurse, I had a clinical rotation in a pediatric psychiatric facility. I noticed that the professionals all had some degree of adopting the behaviors of their patients. I figured that since they spent most of their quality "awake" time with those with mental health issues, it was natural to adopt some of their behaviors. We all tend to become like those we spend a lot of time with. Since you admit to having depression, it is very important for you to spend quality time with those who lift you up rather than drag you down. I am not suggesting you abandon your mom, but get more interactions with supportive friends throughout your week.
I have read all the posts and what you do in the secular world to alleviate your suffering. Please start reciting the Litany of trust for Sr. Faustina. You had mentioned you attend weekly church so I believe this is doable and necessary for your overall health. You may google the entire prayer if your unfamiliar, here's an excerpt "From the fear I am unlovable Deliver me, Jesus...That you are with me in my suffering Jesus I trust in You." You have a higher power that loves you, use him. He's waiting.
That said you have options.
Get help in so that this is not all on you. AND mom pays for the caregiver.
(Not going to get into this now but I hope mom is paying you as well. If not it might be time to get a contract drawn up *[depends on if mom is somewhat decisional]* )
Mom has 3 choices.
Accept you as her caregiver
OR
You can begin to look at Memory Care facilities that she can move to.
OR
Move in with your sister.
I do hope you have been discussing this with your doctors AND if after 4 years they have not suggested the above I would be surprised.
Caring for someone can suck the energy out of you and if you are caring for someone that does not want to be cared for by you it can suck the life out of you.
You need to care for yourself first. Maybe having someone come in and help several days a week (daily would be better) would help. You would not believe how a few hours of help can change your perspective on things. And it might change mom's as well.
*an off the wall thought just occurred to me. I do not know your mom or what was going through her mind but is it slightly possible that she said she would not want you caring for her knowing that it would be difficult on you mentally, emotionally?
Take care of yourself.
Alzheimer's Association has a phone that is answered 24/7 they have people you can talk to any time day or night. CALL anytime you need help or support
1-800-272-3900
Why don't you see if that person that was your mom's 1st choice can take over and give you a much needed break?
Or maybe care for mom on weekends or does mom have the money to pay a Caregiver a few hours a day to give you a break.
You say you don't feel good enough, you keep apologizing, you say you feel two inches tall - but what you won't do is look up from your own failures (as you see them, nobody else is calling them that) and see what's in front of you.
You have, as you say, a host of issues to deal with. But you insist on presenting your mother's view that you ought not to be her primary caregiver as some kind of harsh criticism of your shortcomings. Rubbish. It isn't that at all. Any outsider can see at a glance that your mother doesn't want you, given your legitimate and significant needs, burdened with the additional stress and responsibility of caring for her. And she's right. Probably because she knows you well and loves you.
I'm also not hopeful because you've posted and then not been back; but trusting that you will come back and perhaps take in some comments, I'll echo what CW asked first - where is your sister in all this?
Bless your heart. This is a lot to handle. This forum has helped me so much. I would prioritize three things:
1. Your health and wellness (mental and physical).
2. Your mom's general safety (meaning another person as primary caregiver or placement in a facility).
3. Fully realize that though we want the "perfect" solution regarding our parent's/loved one's care, "perfection" rarely exists.
My doctor gave me these tips. They have helped me to stay focused.
My Mom says she doesn't know where she'd be w/o me to the Doc & anyone else that talks to her but when it's just us; 95% of the time; all she does is complain or argue with every answer I give. Her short term memory is about 10 min and hearing her say I don't care or Don't want to spend time with her or ever come down hurts like hell. It's part of the disease; as we all know; so try to let ot go. I've been seeing a Psych for a year now and it finally seems to be helping. Your Mom is probably as frustrated as you and this covid fiasco isn't helping anyone right now. Combine that with having to be cooped up due to the cold weather and it's just a nightmare. You should look at it this way; You are the best person to take care of her. If your sister was, She would have stepped up years ago. You're stronger; well, all of us are stronger than we think; by doing what you've been doing this long. Look around for a Psych or councilor for yourself and a support group near you. The group meetings are a good place to vent, get advice and start to feel like we're not alone in this. Also, there is a Facebook support group for family/caregivers. That's just another place to talk to other like us. God Bless You & your Mom
I take care of her from a distance. Mom has absolutely no interests and is unkind to her neighbors and ladies who have tried to befriend her.
Don't put yourself through this. You deserve better.
Someone told me to back away and give her a chance to miss you!
Best advice ever.
A few questions to ponder :
●Where is your sister , is she in the same state or nearby?
●Is your mother currently mobile and able to walk ? If so , is it possible you and the sister can split caregiving to you on Monday to wed , her on thurs to Sat and every other Sunday you guys switch ? We did this with mama until her walking started to deteriorate, sending her home to my uncle every other day . She loved it as it was a change of scene and people for her .
●Can you speak up to your sister about the toll this is taking on you and see if she can assume care as your mother CLEARLY stated that she wanted your sister to do so ?
●Is there any way that your sister can pay for a memory care facility ?
●Can you speak to your church leader and ask if the church is in any way affiliated with such a facility where donations can help ? Some of the churches here are .
● when vaccinations against covid occur in your area perhaps you can talk to your sister about getting a part time nurse to help with things so you can take a break . Don't know how must they cost where you are .
You've joined an excellent group so you're right , so many experienced people here offering all kinds of advice and a place to vent as well.
I hope having us to speak to will in some way ease your mind if not your situation .
Hugs
L
With my mom’s physical disabilities, I was surprised to find several facilities that were happy to help out. They may actually outsource the Medicaid application process to a service (like Medicaid Done Right) that helps you collect and submit you mom’s financial data to Medicaid. It helps if you’re her POA, but not necessary.
Your mom is blessed to have ANY caregiver, especially you. She is not entitled to abuse you. Meet with your sister to inform her that you are relinquishing the in-home caregiver role to either her or an available nursing home, so Sis can decide if she wants to take over the responsibility. If Sis is willing, she needs to be quick about it.
It’s most important for you to remove yourself from this situation.
I made a vow many many years ago that I wouldn't be doing ANY hands on caregiving, or living with, either of my parents because I'm not cut out for it, and for several other reasons. My mother & I are oil and water and I'd be angry and yelling at HER all day long if we lived together, which would create a harmful and stressful environment for BOTH of us. Not a good thing. So when the need arose, I placed both of my parents in Assisted Living in 2014; dad passed in 2015 and my mother is 94 and living in the same AL but in Memory Care nowadays suffering from moderately advanced dementia. I handle her entire LIFE from my desk here at home, and she gets great care in the MC. It's a win-win situation for both of us. When she runs out of money to private pay, I'll apply for Medicaid for Skilled Nursing.
Good luck to you.
You need to get away.
Can you call sister and say "I am handing this over to you?" You are on disability, so can you live independently and not need to live with mom (I am kind of assuming you do).
Living in a small studio on gov't subsidy would be better than living with someone who makes you feel small and worthless.
Last week my mother called me (miraculous, as she doesn't know my phone number) and I thought 'oh gosh, something has happened' as she NEVER calls.
What was the DRAMA? She needed to know the birthdays of my brother's twin grandsons. Seriously? I don't know that. Brother was avoiding her calls!
She starts EVERY conversation with the same line "OH, I have been thinking about you". I just reply, "No, mom, you haven't been. Please stop saying that to me".
I am on permanent vacation from both my mother and my MIL. It is wonderful.
Please get away. Caring for someone who is driving you to need medication to deal with them---I understand better than you'd know, but if you CAN get away from mom, do so.
((HUGS))
P.S. If mom doesn't have the money for a facility, you will have to apply for Medicaid for her.