I try to be patient, understanding and kind, but the irritation gets out of hand too often and I end up screaming at her. She tries to resist me all the time and it's just exhausting. I just feel like a bad person, not worth anything anymore. Who screams at their poor old Mother, I feel so ashamed...
A quandary is my Mother is on Medicaid so I don't really trust State run agencies to care for her. Also she would have to live 30 miles away and I'm still working. She is here alone for part of the day, but I'm monitering everything and it seems to be okay for now. I will retire if I have to to care for her, but I would like to go for one more year. I need to. It's such a losing situation. Also I depend on her small portion of rent to help me pay my Mortgage payment. It isn't much since she didn't work much in her life, but it helps me to take days off to care for her and to rest sometimes. I feel like such a lousy daughter, I try to care for her and show kindness everyday but sometimes I just snap and feel I can't take this situation any more. There is only me, and we moved to an Island about 10 years ago, but we still know no one. I just can't come out of my shell here. We (Mother and I) have always been isolated (it's a long time family dynamic) but now it's even worse now that almost the entire family has passed and the ones who are left are very elderly themselves. Mother does go to a senior Day Care program once a week and that helps. But the unrelenting day after day, week after week, 7 days a week of telling my Mother (she has dementia), every little thing she has to do, all activities of daily living, just everything and then the daily routines have to be repeated verbally at least five times and sometimes more. To try and run her life completely is so stressful for me and so contrary to the relationship we have had with each other. She was always totally independent and hated anyone who intervened in her life. And then there is incontinence both fecal and urine. It's not constant, but I am dealing with her urine and feces everyday and it's depressing. I know it's not logical because she has dementia, but I feel so upset when her package of open pads are right next to her but she just won't put them on if I'm not there right at the moment. And yet at many times in her behavior she seems fairly normal in her reactions. The ups and downs of dementia are continually baffling to deal with. I've been caring for her for thirteen years and It's just driving me bonkers. I feel so depressed I don't talk to anyone anymore. I'm beginning to wish I weren't here anymore. I never felt like she cared much for me, she really neglected me during my childhood and that's a long story, but I always loved her, felt loyal and never wanted to put her in a home, especially a state run one. It's hard to describe, but the constant never-ending caregiving is incredibly difficult. Thanks for reading, it's good to tell someone. Any thoughts or comments would be helpful, Thanks, T.
Can I ask what the main goal is? Caring for Mum at home or caring for Mum wherever she lives? I ask because some people are determined to stay in the home so will do whatever it takes: renovate bathrooms, build ramps, pay $$$ for aides. If the goal is for both Mum & you to both live happy & meaningful lives, would that still look the same? You sound fairly isolated? Is that by choice? Sorry to be blunt - I am a fellow daughter with a *tricky* Mother & just wish to remind you - you matter! And you have choices. ((Hugs))
You cannot reason with these people. They have lost that ability. The ability to process, retain and have empathy.
If Medicaid is paying for her Daycare, is it possible for her to go to DC 5x a week, Medicaid paying for partial or full cost. Moms picked hers up and dropped her off. She was there for breakfast and lunch. She even had therapy.
In my area, our LTC facilities are private own but do except Medicaid. Mom did share a room with 4 others but was only there to sleep. She was in the activity room most of the time. You need to research and visit.
Some are better than others for sure. It sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond and for perhaps longer than you might have Because it sounds like you’re at a breaking point. If you don’t take care of yourself and you become ill or pass on, who then will take care of your mother? Believe me, just because she’s placed in the CARE residence doesn’t mean your work has stopped, it’s just that she will be supervised 24/7 and you would be relieved of some of the day-to-day struggle. In my area we have several dementia/Alzheimer’s support groups that are very helpful. It sounds like it’s time for you to make some changes, as difficult and painful as this can be, you must take care of yourself in addition to taking care of your mother. If your mother is not a wanderer and is not constantly trying to leave, a possibility exists that she could go into an RCFE which is a residential care facility, usually with 4-6 residents And sometimes, less expensive. There is all sorts of information online about dementia and Alzheimer’s. In conclusion, your mother isn’t doing anything on purpose it’s just part of her illness. Also there is something known as Anosognosia, it’s when someone with dementia or Alzheimer’s has no awareness that anything is wrong with them. Another point is that Medicaid or state aid will also cover someone’s care. They will take any monies she receives to assist them in paying for her care but it is also another way to go. I wish you well on this journey.
Are you doing this hoping your mother will change because of all your love and make you feel more cared for by her? Forget it, many have that pipe dream. It's not going to happen.
It's not about wanting to put her in a home, it's about needing to for both her sake and yours.
Where I live there are Medicaid acceptable homes that are not state run, although, my mother, my step dad and his wife are in self pay homes, I did tour several for future possibilities. They were not 5 star, but acceptable.
I wish you the best!
It’s natural to get upset about your situation and I feel it’s also natural to get upset afterwards. This isn’t about lack of control though. It’s about being overwhelmed.
No one is perfect. We all lose our temper at times. We also lose our patience when we are overly stressed.
It’s impossible to feel like this is a normal life because it isn’t. Your life has been turned upside down. It’s natural to feel resentful about what you are going through.
I wish I had answers for you. I sincerely hope things improve soon. Many, many hugs for you. I hope you are able to get some rest soon.
Take care and vent anytime. Most people on this site know how you feel because they have experienced similar situations.
What exactly do you mean about not wanting to be here anymore? Not being with her or is your depression so severe that you want to die? If you are feeling suicidal, please seek help. I’m not judging you but wouldn’t want you to do something drastic.
It’s hard to be a caregiver at anytime but during the holidays are especially difficult.
Many hugs for you.
You are going to get lots of good, practical and sympathetic advice on this forum. I only wish I could add to it, but I'm just too tired and burnt out myself, so this note is just really to say, you are not alone, come here to vent when it all gets too much, and remember, you are a good loving daughter doing the best that you can in impossible circumstances - of course you are going to have melt-downs now and then, you are only human. Learn to forgive yourself, and get whatever outside help is available to you.
Sending lots of hugs!!!!!
I hope you can work things out soon. All the best.