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If he is not with my husband he is with me when we both are not working, he has no social life trying to find him something to do outside the home, are there any programs that you may have were he could meet people of his age to socialize with.
I have all the same questions that others have posed. So these ideas are very scattershot. Have you tried asking HIM to find stuff to do??
Other potential ideas: - your local library will likely have book clubs, game times, standing meetings on various issues - google “office on aging” with your county or town name. They should be able to offer resources - look for volunteer activities he could do and get to that he has some interest in. Walking dogs in the shelter, reading to kids in an afterschool program, tutoring, English as a second language chat groups, working shifts for Goodwill — many options - public spaces may need clean up, gardening, etc - adult daycare if funds allow and he would benefit from it (dementia or reduced life skills). You wouldn’t have to tell him what it is. You could present it as a volunteer or part time “job”. In my experience, the staff will play along. - churches or civic groups -given that he lives with you, and you and your husband work but he doesn’t, could he do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, errands?
Why is your brother living with you? Does he have medical conditions that prohibit him from living alone? If no then you can help him look for an apartment or if needed a Group Home. if you do not want him to continue to live with you. If the fact that he is living with you is alright then.... He should be able to find a job. Since he is living with you and your husband your brother should follow your house rules. Do chores around the house. Get a job. Contribute his fair share to household expenses. That means ALL expenses are divided by 3. Mortgage, all utilities, food, gas, water, garbage, cable....
If he is unable to get a job then he should find a volunteer job to do, an Adult Day Program if he needs supervision. It would help a great deal if you gave more information about your brother.
If your brother is disabled in any way are you going to be able to continue care for hi8m as his needs become more? I am assuming you are within a few years of your brothers age and as we age it gets more difficult to care for someone. I do not think I could do now what I was able to do for my husband 10, 15, 20 years ago. You need to think about your safety as well as your brothers.
OP this is an on-line site, and it does not have any programs “where he could meet people”. Posters have made suggestions, but have also pointed out that he may not want to go out, and you may be expected to ‘hold his hand’ to make it work.
That raises a few points: 1) Why is he staying with you? Is it because he is helping you with finances? Or are you helping HIM with finances? Or is it because he is socially ‘needy’? 2) Do you WANT him to stay with you? Or do you wish that he would get his act together and move out? 3) How much effort are you prepared to put in to change him and the way he acts? How much ‘hand holding’? Do you feel responsible to do this, and if so, why? 4) What other options are there for him and also for you, if he leaves?
Our local senior center is free of charge, and has lots of nice activities, or not for those who just want to drink coffee, eat snacks , and visit with others. They offer an inexpensive tasty lunch, and have things like a puzzle table, magazines and the like. I notice several regulars who show up every day for at least a few hours and just visit with each other. I go for the exercise classes, some of my classmates bring their "elder" along and let them visit while we do our thing.
Me, I would tell him to get a job even if its part-time. If he is not getting SS now he can receive it 100% at 67. At 67, he can make as much as he wants without penaĺty. Before that I think its 17k a year with already collecting SS. I so hope he is paying you. Even if you put it aside in another acct for his future care or even funeral.
When people are like this they are comfortable and don't want to go out. If you want to show them or get them involved in something YOU will need to go with them until they make a friend to hang out with. Example: a craft class or music class but it needs to be the same people, teacher - not a lot of change. YOU will need to go to the class with them and eventually excuse yourself. For older people they get in a rut and DO NOT LIKE CHANGE. Also, you can have a someone come in and share time with them, Visiting Angels will come and spend time with them - Yes it will cost money but you can pick and choose the day(s). Also, if he is a member of a church they have social groups you and he can attend - some are mission groups. These are easy because you can talk to the leader or someone in the group and explain to them that you need someone to befriend your brother and "guide" him. I did that with my daughter - she was very shy and I watched the group we attended and there was a girl that seemed she needed a friend and I just introduced them to each other and they have been friends for ten years now.
He has no social life because he is choosing to live this way. You are projecting on to him how you think he should be living. However, he is showing you he isn't this person and most likely won't be in the future no matter how much effort you put into "encouraging" and enabling him. Most likely -- if -- he is now at the beginnings of cognitive decline or even depression, you have no power other than to have him move out sooner rather than later. If he struggles with being social then a AL in a good facility may be the best next step for him.
He is only 66 yrs old so he could be a speed bump in your home for 2 more decades. You will just need to have the difficult conversation with him to move out. Once he's out then you can invite him over, go visit him, or meet him places, if he is willing and able. And you have your lives back.
You aren't responsible for his happiness or how he lives in his retirement. If you suspect he is depressed or having cognitive decline you can certainly opt to help him get an accurate diagnosis and look for permanent housing that is not your home.
Please note that if he is getting his mail at your address then your home is his legal residence and if he refuses to move out you would need to go through an eviction process. You should spend some time reading posts on this forum from well-meaning family members who invited a parent of sibling to live with them thinking they'd have a "normal" situation then turned out to be a caregiving nightmare. Especially if your brother has not assigned anyone as his PoA... then you have even less power to legally help him.
I'm not trying to scare you but just to give you the bigger picture so you can make wise decisions that may affect all of your futures.
I think that we need more information about brother. How long has he lived with you? Why does brother live with you and not on his own? Does brother have any medical or mental issues that may be contributing to his wish to stay in and to more or less need to shadow you? Is this new behavior for brother, or is this more or less his norm?
Answers to the above will help us answer you, but do know that is someone is more or less, of nature, a couch potato type who prefers sitting around, watching TV, and if that person has always been of that nature, then it is unlikely to change.
So we come down to the basic question of --Is this more or less an issue of you and hubby not having any alone time together, feeling pressured? Needing more privacy?
Wishing you the best and hoping to hear more information. Welcome to the Forum.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Other potential ideas:
- your local library will likely have book clubs, game times, standing meetings on various issues
- google “office on aging” with your county or town name. They should be able to offer resources
- look for volunteer activities he could do and get to that he has some interest in. Walking dogs in the shelter, reading to kids in an afterschool program, tutoring, English as a second language chat groups, working shifts for Goodwill — many options
- public spaces may need clean up, gardening, etc
- adult daycare if funds allow and he would benefit from it (dementia or reduced life skills). You wouldn’t have to tell him what it is. You could present it as a volunteer or part time “job”. In my experience, the staff will play along.
- churches or civic groups
-given that he lives with you, and you and your husband work but he doesn’t, could he do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, errands?
good luck!
Does he have medical conditions that prohibit him from living alone?
If no then you can help him look for an apartment or if needed a Group Home. if you do not want him to continue to live with you. If the fact that he is living with you is alright then....
He should be able to find a job.
Since he is living with you and your husband your brother should follow your house rules.
Do chores around the house. Get a job. Contribute his fair share to household expenses. That means ALL expenses are divided by 3. Mortgage, all utilities, food, gas, water, garbage, cable....
If he is unable to get a job then he should find a volunteer job to do, an Adult Day Program if he needs supervision.
It would help a great deal if you gave more information about your brother.
If your brother is disabled in any way are you going to be able to continue care for hi8m as his needs become more? I am assuming you are within a few years of your brothers age and as we age it gets more difficult to care for someone. I do not think I could do now what I was able to do for my husband 10, 15, 20 years ago. You need to think about your safety as well as your brothers.
That raises a few points:
1) Why is he staying with you? Is it because he is helping you with finances? Or are you helping HIM with finances? Or is it because he is socially ‘needy’?
2) Do you WANT him to stay with you? Or do you wish that he would get his act together and move out?
3) How much effort are you prepared to put in to change him and the way he acts? How much ‘hand holding’? Do you feel responsible to do this, and if so, why?
4) What other options are there for him and also for you, if he leaves?
He needs yo entertain himself not rely on you.
He is only 66 yrs old so he could be a speed bump in your home for 2 more decades. You will just need to have the difficult conversation with him to move out. Once he's out then you can invite him over, go visit him, or meet him places, if he is willing and able. And you have your lives back.
You aren't responsible for his happiness or how he lives in his retirement. If you suspect he is depressed or having cognitive decline you can certainly opt to help him get an accurate diagnosis and look for permanent housing that is not your home.
Please note that if he is getting his mail at your address then your home is his legal residence and if he refuses to move out you would need to go through an eviction process. You should spend some time reading posts on this forum from well-meaning family members who invited a parent of sibling to live with them thinking they'd have a "normal" situation then turned out to be a caregiving nightmare. Especially if your brother has not assigned anyone as his PoA... then you have even less power to legally help him.
I'm not trying to scare you but just to give you the bigger picture so you can make wise decisions that may affect all of your futures.
I think that we need more information about brother.
How long has he lived with you?
Why does brother live with you and not on his own?
Does brother have any medical or mental issues that may be contributing to his wish to stay in and to more or less need to shadow you?
Is this new behavior for brother, or is this more or less his norm?
Answers to the above will help us answer you, but do know that is someone is more or less, of nature, a couch potato type who prefers sitting around, watching TV, and if that person has always been of that nature, then it is unlikely to change.
So we come down to the basic question of --Is this more or less an issue of you and hubby not having any alone time together, feeling pressured? Needing more privacy?
Wishing you the best and hoping to hear more information. Welcome to the Forum.