My 95 year old mother is a hoarder, gambling addict and recently started drinking nightly. How do you get past the guilt and the feelings that you have done something wrong? I think she is treating me worse because I don’t go to her house every day or call her every day. She has made the choice to live alone. I can’t even get her to go to the doctors. She cancelled the foot doctor appointment. She won’t let me schedule a doctors appointment with her primary care physician. She treated me like sh*t at Christmas. She also left a voicemail on my phone last Friday night screaming that she is almost out of her heart medicine and did I call the doctor to find out where her medicine is? I talked to her Sunday. My birthday was Saturday. She never even mentioned my birthday on Friday or when I called her Sunday. How do you let go of the hurt? I have always made it a point to get her a card and present and take her out to dinner. Our relationship has gone from bad to worse. How do you heal from it? How do you stop feeling guilty and internalizing it? I can’t even imagine ever treating my kids like crap or vice versa. How do you deal with it?
Your mother Is seriously mentally ill. She is addicted to hoarding, gambling and alcohol. It sounds like she also has anger issues. This is a lot for a trained professional therapist to handle, much less a “lay person” such as yourself. She cannot be reasoned with. You can’t “fix” her. You need to call Adult Protective Services and report a Senior Adult At Risk.
My mother is a problem too, has been all her life, I no longer speak to her, I just couldn't take the abuse any longer.
There is a type of guilt called "False Guilt". It is a tendency to feel guilty even if you have not done anything wrong or violated your core values. There are many articles on this, you may want to read up on it. I struggled with this for many years, it was a crazy cycle that did nothing but keep me stuck and miserable.
I really have no skills in dealing with a mentally unbalanced person, so I just have to walk away. My mother is now in AL, my brother deals with her, I work behind the scenes support and help him out, that is the best I can do.
I hope that this can somehow be resolved. Take care of you.
Practice reciting a mantra, perhaps something like: "I love myself and protect myself from hurt".
"Our relationship has gone from bad to worse." Detaching from your mother was actually a loving thing you have done for the both of you. That may sound odd but recognize that she wasn't happy in your relationship either. For whatever her reasons, your mother cannot change. Yet changing the dynamics of your relationship was long overdue. Your detaching with love took courage. There's no need for you to feel guilty when you have done nothing wrong.
In your shoes, I would leave mom alone. I WOULD call her doctor's office and tell them that she is about to run out of meds but continues to cancel appointments and that she clearly needs more care than can be given at home.
Then sit down and type out that information and send it to the doc's office "return receipt requested". This is proof that you've notified the doc's office about the situation.
If they press you to bring your mother in, say "I can't possible do that; I have had the flu and now have pneumonia".
Your mother is "independent". Let her take a cab if she needs her meds.
You will have passed on the information that she doesn't know what she's doing and they can talk to her - or not. You will have done a great service to her by communicating with someone who will likely record the information and possibly report her to APS if she becomes worse.
By stepping back, you are allowing her to be an adult with all the rights and privileges therein. You will be allowing her to swim on her own, as she wants to do. If she fails, you will have allowed her to fail on her own, without you trying to prop her up and feeling guilty as she declines farther because there's nothing you can do to stop her. Of course she's going to try to push every button you have - that's what addicts do. Only by failing miserably will she be able to get some kind of help for herself. Allowing her to fail is the biggest gift you can give her!
The Boundaries book was great for me. One of the authors, Henry Cloud, has a great number of free videos on the most popular site. This one might help you: "NECESSARY ENDINGS · Henry Cloud". I had to let mthr go because of similar behavior and that allowed her to get to the point where she has lived her last 7 years in a clean, safe place where she did not need to think to have meals and meds. What a blessing to her - but what a horrible life before that. Elaine, you have my support!
I guess Mom doesn't realize no DR. visit no medication. In my state you need to get a new script every 6 months. Especially DEA controlled medications. Can't get it without seeing the doctor. There are some meds, especially at Moms age, that labs are needed to keep check on. Moms liver enzymes were high so she was taken off of Cholesterol meds.
As suggested call her Dr. Tell them Mom is unwilling to come in but she needs a refill. When they say no can do till she comes in...tell them they need to call her and tell her that.
out to run errands are over, I would look for homebound services for her and reduce your obligations to her. I hope some of these ideas help. (((Hugs)))
I look at this way now. I have limited time left with my mother given her age of 78. (Admittedly that limited time could be 20+ years! 😂) While not speaking to my mom, if I get a call that she has died — will I still feel justified in disconnecting from her for my seemingly valid reasons at the time?
If the answer is no, then I cave and call her eventually. I even have to apologize for absolutely no reason since she will never, ever apologize or admit wrongdoing....but it is what it is. It’s less for her than for my own conscience and own well-being. I’d presumably have many more years left to live with that guilt with no way to fix it once she’s gone.
That said, your mom is clearly unwell on various fronts. And like many older parents, the self-centeredness is rather astounding. And sad, for us. At some point, we seem to move to the kind of relationship where they’re the kids and we’re the adults...(except they’re never as cute as young children who are equally self-centered and prone to tantrums).
So if your mom should die tomorrow, would you feel justified in the actions you’ve taken? If so, take solace in the fact that you did all you must and could. If not, I’m afraid you’ll have to invest more to truly not feel guilt. It sounds like she’s really a lot to tolerate, but given your mother is 98 years old, it won’t be forever.
But I feel your pain. 🤗
It is long past time to be cut loose and you are the only one who can do this. Your mother most certainly will not do this to help you. It is in the nature of bullies and addictive personalities to lay a guilt trip on someone else, instead of accepting they are to blame for the things they do wrong, not to mention the unhappiness they bring upon themselves.
How you achieve this will be the tricky bit, but for you to get over your guilt you really must distance yourself from such a toxic relationship. So much depends on how responsible you are for your mothers welfare and well being, as averse to how responsible you want to be. For instance, do you have a POA? Do you have siblings who might be able to take on more of a caring role? Is your mothers doctor aware of the situation?
Once you know where your responsibilities start and end, apart from an in built belief that elders need looking after, you can begin cutting yourself loose bit by bit. Perhaps nominate certain times of the day or week you will be available to help your mother. If that involves ignoring all but the most serious or urgent phone messages, do it. Your mother will not thank you for that, but she does not appreciate you now, nor your efforts, so what the difference?
Your mother knows how to phone you when she needs something, so she can just as easily phone someone else. The fact that she is gambling and drinking tells me that her addictions are being enabled. If it is not you doing the enabling, then someone else has to be. If neither you nor anyone else has POA, and you cannot get it, try hiding her credit card, debit card, bank details, any other access to accounts that expose her finances to mis use by her or anyone else. If and when she needs to go into AL she may well need every penny she has.
The hoarding is a real concern, especially if your mother has rubbish stacked ceiling to floor. This is definitely the sign of a sick mind, whether it be dementia or the alcohol or old age in general, or just psychological. It is also a very dangerous health and safety hazard. Perhaps try contacting experts who deal with hoarding for advice and tips on best how to handle thus. But best not be part if the process lest that guilt set in again.
Strength and courage to you as you rise above the guilt and feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness your mother has instilled in you. If you can find neither strength nor courage, consult a therapist who will help you find it.
Illustrating my reasoning: My mother refused to entertain the thought of enduring guardianship but when she signed her POA some strategic points were deleted, in effect making her POA also enduring guardianship. To begin with she needed assistance with her financial matters, although she basically still called the shots. But when her signature became unrecognisable she asked my sister to sign for her, to go to the bank to cash her cheques and so forth. When the inevitable happened and mother needed to go into Respite care, we thought we would not be able to have her remain in that aged care facility. She was certainly resisting. My sister spoke to the solicitor and discovered because some strategic points were deleted, the POA was really an enduring guardianship. That is why the transition was so simple. Not easy by any means, but simple.
This is direct from our state government website"
'A power of attorney is a legal document that appoints and authorises someone to act on your behalf in the areas of property and financial management. It does not authorise anyone to make other decisions, such as those relating to lifestyle, health or personal affairs; these are covered by appointing an ‘enduring guardian’
and
'While you may be able to look after your financial affairs at present, this may change in the future. You can appoint an attorney for:
a limited period, or an indefinite period.'
I strongly recommend you see an Elder lawyer and take the POA with you. Your mother's behaviour seems to be more wilful and determined than anything else, but if I am right you can still handle her financial and property matters without her being incompetent. It is all determined by the wording of the POA.
Not understanding the powers of these documents seems to be a common thread through this forum, so I hope people reading this take the time to learn more about the authority they have been given.
My mom didn’t acknowledge my birthday in October. It stinks!
I think the guilt comes from it hurting that we can’t make things the way we would like them to be. You know, to have a harmonious relationship with our mother. That’s the way it should be but unfortunately, for some of us it didn’t work out that way.
Anyway, I hope you can work past the guilt. Of course you need a break sometimes so try not to feel too badly.
Elaine, you are a wonderful daughter and a lovely mom to your son.
Sending you a bazillion hugs! 💗
John McCain’s mom is 107! Can you even imagine living that old? She lives with her one living child. She has outlived her husband and two of her children.
I wonder how long our moms will live. Mine is 94. Yours is 95. My cousin is 98. My great aunts lived to be almost 100. My uncle was 96 when he died. God, I hope that I don’t live that long!
Happy belated birthday!! I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. My mother is an alcoholic and a hoarder, and her mother is mentally ill. I recently purchased a book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. I recommend this book to everyone. It's helped me more in a few weeks than years of therapy. No joke. I wish I could post a few pictures of the pages here.
It's based on decades of psychological research and explains EVERYTHING. It discusses the types of emotionally immature parents, why they are this way, what it does to their children's coping strategies and personality development, and how it tends to have a ripple effect through generations. It talks about these parents' preoccupation with themselves, their lack of ability to take responsibility, anticipate future problems, communicate feelings, cope with stressors (often resulting in addictions), and how they resist repairing relationships and become overly fixated on family roles and guilt tripping. It also teaches you ways to manage your interactions with such parents, set healthy limits, break the cycle of negativity, and how to recognize and surround yourself with more emotionally mature and healthy people. Seriously, this book is a goldmine. If you're even just remotely thinking this could be helpful to you, or a loved one, order it. It's on Amazon and it's cheap. While it's helped me immensely in understanding my mother, it's also helped me understand so much about myself, it's improved my relationship with my husband (we read the book together sometimes), and I believe it will help me be a more emotionally healthy parent myself. Good luck!
So sorry this is happening. Been in your shoes and still kinda am. The guilt is so hard to handle. When you know you have done everything you could possibly do and that is not “enough”. I want to tell you something I realized. It will never be enough. You cannot make people do things they won’t or don’t want to do themselves. It’s selfish to depend on someone to bring you health, happiness, and security (talking about your parent). This must all come from within. You can only work on yourself. Ask yourself “what will truly make me feel good?”. I have had the same behavior enabling my own father, and it sucks because you think you’re actually helping them but instead you’re just falling deeper and deeper in the hole. You can care and decide not to go down a path of depression, emptiness, and obligation.
big hug to you❤️❤️
I don't know if this will help or not, but it is my experience and my thoughts on the matter. I hope it helps you.
My mom is 94. I think to some degree parents can in their kids make us "responsible" for them if we are their primary caregiver. As such it is not good, but natural that they hold us accountable for everything. It is inexcusable that they yell at us, etc, but they panic occasionally because of their lack of control over their lives.
I am learning that I cannot please my mom in that regard. She will always have needs I cannot take care of. She has control over her happiness. She can make efforts to socialize even if just over the phone. She can keep her doctor appointments.
I think the lack of control is why they don't like the doctors, etc. I learned a long time ago that we could change doctors every time she wanted and she would still be unhappy.
In her mind it is another person's fault. "If she would only....", "If my doctor would..."
I try to give her as much freedom as possible, but in the end she has to accept her situation.
As for your birthday, most elderly people become very self-centered as they age. Their world becomes very small. Part of it is their own doing. They are difficult to deal with so people don't try too hard to be with them. Try not to take it personally. I know you want a mother's love. Just realized she is most probably not capable of giving it to you. If you don't expect it perhaps you can handle the disappointment better. On some level there is either a relationship with your mother as a caregiver or a relationship with her as her daughter. Not both.
Please know you are not alone in this. You are to be commended for caring as you do.
Take care of yourself.
As for your questions on how to get past the guilt and let go off the hurt, I'm no therapist, but I think with time, the guilt and the hurt will lessen. Perhaps a good therapist will have some ways that you can use to speed up the process.
One suggestion, when the guilt pops up in your head, immediately and consciously think of two things/reasons that will counteract with the guilt, such as the numerous and specific things you have done for your mother, and specifically how your mother is responsible for her own situation.
As for the hurt, when it pops up in your head or heart, think of at least two people who are good to you, who you hold near and dear to your heart. Those people should take up the space in your heart. Let their affection and love for you push away the hurt your mother causes.
I use the method above for myself and it helps me get through the difficult moments. Hope it'll help you, too.
I have a mother who avoided medical treatment for years thinking she could pray away any situation. It may have helped her a little mentally but it didn't avoid 2 hip replacements,a knee replacement,aortic valve replacement to mention the most serious issues. She is overweight. Right now she is suffering from bad back pains. I feel bad and communicate with the staff at AL to try to get her some relief but she is 89 and has a host of medicati issues. Yes many people at 89 can have those but as my husband words it there is so much deferred maintenance. She has brought on so much with her choices in life. I could never leave her with any of my children when they were young. They are all now in their 30's so that tells how long she has been a form of invalid. I feel bad she is not well but I am not responsible. I tried for decades to help her but she never changed. My point here is you cannot change your mother but you can be in control of how you deal with her. If she constantly makes you feel bad after you reach out then reach out less. You have no reason to feel guilty and you need to empower yourself as so many who visit this site also need to do. We can only control the people we are and our own behaviors. I know I am a much more involved grandmother. I have always wished my mother had differed behaviors but bottom line is she didn't so I am not going to let that hurt my present and hopefully future life. I hope that you find the strength you need to cope.
I would have simply hung up when she started screaming.