My 95 year old mother is a hoarder, gambling addict and recently started drinking nightly. How do you get past the guilt and the feelings that you have done something wrong? I think she is treating me worse because I don’t go to her house every day or call her every day. She has made the choice to live alone. I can’t even get her to go to the doctors. She cancelled the foot doctor appointment. She won’t let me schedule a doctors appointment with her primary care physician. She treated me like sh*t at Christmas. She also left a voicemail on my phone last Friday night screaming that she is almost out of her heart medicine and did I call the doctor to find out where her medicine is? I talked to her Sunday. My birthday was Saturday. She never even mentioned my birthday on Friday or when I called her Sunday. How do you let go of the hurt? I have always made it a point to get her a card and present and take her out to dinner. Our relationship has gone from bad to worse. How do you heal from it? How do you stop feeling guilty and internalizing it? I can’t even imagine ever treating my kids like crap or vice versa. How do you deal with it?
You are not doing anything to your mom by backing off. She made the decision to put distance between you. You are simply responding to her actions.
They place these ideas in their own minds and simply won’t budge. There are so many close minded people. It would never occur to them that they are wrong. They can’t see or admit that they are rude.
Or she could be stressed and scared and taking it out on you. Doesn’t it seem that people hurt the people that they should love the most? I think it’s because they feel safe with them.
They normally wouldn’t treat strangers like that because they know a stranger wouldn’t put up with it. Here’s the thing though, no one should have to put up with it.
Pride and stubbornness can be ugly behavior. Some people feel entitled and always feel it’s other’s responsibility to change to suit their needs.
Elaine, you do not have to adapt to suit her. You know that have not done anything wrong. So you do what you think is best for you.
I can’t say what is mental illness or not. I don’t know her. Especially if this isn’t a new behavior and it is a part of her character that always existed.
If you go each month and pick up her meds, you cast yourself as the responsible party.
Is that who you want to be?
You need to let her doctor know, officially and in writing that you are no longer taking on this role. That if your mother is competent, she will be responsible for her own healthcare and meds. To my way of thinking, any other way lies madness .
My heart hurts for all you're being put thru with your mother, who seems to be worsening on a DAILY basis. Truthfully, all you CAN do here is back off. Set boundaries and don't let her cross them. Get her meds called in and do whatever else is necessary to keep her alive & well, but that's IT. You're not a scratching post anymore and it's okay to say that out loud, to mean it, to demand it, and to NOT feel guilty about not allowing anyone to mistreat you. You have done more for your mother than 99% of daughters in your position EVER would have done, and you need to see that and to appreciate it........pat yourself on the back for it, too. Now it's time to step back & allow mother to self-destruct. You will, of course, step back in when she DOES fall apart, which she will, and then you will visit her in the hospital and speak with her doctors, etc. But until that time comes, you are doing the right thing by limiting your calls and your contact with the toxicity.
Don't allow ANYONE to make you feel guilty about your decision, either. Enough is enough.
You are a spectacular daughter and you have the patience of Job. Truly, I admire you and your Herculean strength to date.
Press on. Stick to your guns with the decision you've made here, knowing full well that you ARE here for your mother when she TRULY needs you. You're just no longer willing to take the verbal abuse you've BEEN taking for all this time.
As far as healing is concerned, you have GOT to attribute your mother's behavior to mental illness ENTIRELY. It's not that she doesn't love you, most likely......it's just that her mental illness takes precedence over EVERYTHING else in her life, including you, and then her addictions take over the rest of it. Anxiety, addiction, mental illness..........she's a molotov cocktail who's refused to see the reality of her situation for ALL these years. That's the truth, and that's at the heart of the matter; not hatred for you. As the dementia progresses, all the other mental conditions magnify, and what you have is a gigantic MESS that no human being can deal with effectively. It's not you, it's her. I've watched my own mother toddle down this same road (minus the addictions) and she too has become nearly impossible to deal with. I remind myself daily it's not my fault, and it's not her fault either, really...........it's just a mental illness that's never been addressed or treated. We ALL suffer as a result.
Sending you love and hugs, my friend.
How are you? Are things any more peaceful with your mom? Been thinking about you. Hugs!
Thank you for your transparency and example of finding a different way to approach problems.
Like you, I'm setting boundaries.
One call is all reactionary (me) then I cave and tell her I'll do what she wanted and not what I told her I could do and she has changed and said no, no that's ok in an almost nice tone.
She is still pulling my strings. or pushing buttons. So, yes. Push/pull. It has only been a couple of days and I need to get a grip.
Don't mean to take over this post. Just reading how you've been able to handle things gives me some hope that I can deal with mine too.
take care.
No more guilt- excitement for new way of living.
Now, for the hurt part....THAT IS ON HER- not yours to carry, her bad, not yours. I have had stuff said to me that stopped total strangers cold. A cop told me "ill pray for you" when a neighbor heard the screaming battle. The hurt you carry can only be discharge by you. You have to realize that someone handed you a big heavy box or stinking rotten garbage and said, HERE- this is yours. And there you are walking around 24/7 in everything you do holding on to this heavy box that reeks and is about to break your back and arms, its that heavy. DROP that box! Its not even yours- its someone elses garbage you lug around all day, preventing you from touching anything, breathing fresh air, the first thing people see when you walk into a room is that box of ugly. NO MORE! That exactly what I pictured in my head and thats what flipped a switch for me. I pray it works for you-it set me free. I dont look back and I dam sure dont go back. Im here if you need me.