She is 94, and in addition to severe dementia (presumed to be Alzheimer's), she also has a lifelong underlying mental illness that we believe to be Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It has become exacerbated with age. I have some disabilities, but I've been her sole caregiver for several years. She is usually fairly clearheaded for a few hours in the mornings, but by late afternoon, she becomes completely delusional, unable to perceive logic or recognize reality. And whatever delusional idea she gets, she is adamantly committed to it, to the point of trying to leave the house, and violently attacking me when I have to stop her.
Tonight, she swung her walker at me (she's very strong when she's angry) and I grabbed it in mid-swing to keep from being hit -- and she lost her balance. I caught her and eased her down to the floor (I am no longer strong enough to hold her up), but she did scrape her elbow. Now she claims I knocked her down, and she's going to have me arrested. (She will almost certainly remember none of this in the morning, thank goodness.)
This is the first time she's gotten hurt during an attack, and I'm worried that I may no longer be able to keep her safe. I'm also worried that the crushing pressure and anxiety and desperation of all this is going to end me. At what point do you give up and do what your mother has told you all your life you must NEVER do, "Don't you EVER put me in a home, I'll kill myself," ever since I was about eight years old. I'm trying so hard to fulfill the promise I made, because I think her few lucid hours a day would probably be lost if she were among strangers. But I don't know how long I can continue before I break, physically or mentally or both. How do you know when it's time to give up? I don't want to be selfish. I want to do the right thing for her.
I truly hope (after she moves) & you can start to relax that you look back on that & laugh!
If there is a world prize for tenaciousness - she wins it!
My dad fell & broke his back & did have to go to SNF for a while. He was so bad with dementia he just thought it was hospital. He never knew he was in SNF. You can sign her in for rehab Medicare pays 100% of 100 days & at least get a break & see how she does then bring her back home if you feel you have to. After 60 days at home she can go back in for another 100 days fully paid by medicare.
Is there a another family member you could share the care of your mother with?
Or a relative who could come and care for her while you take a break ?
Have you looked into finding a companion/aide to stay with her, while you take time off?
Its very important to care for yourself during this time.
Try exercise too, it can do great things to remove stress, by simply taking a walk and removing yourself from the situation temporarily.
You are right about leaving the room -- it does help defuse the situation. Sometimes she just plain forgets that she was angry!
Many of us have experienced stories similar to your. It is heart breaking to watch our mother's and father's decline. We do our best and it just does not seem to be enough. On top of that dementia has turned our loved on into someone else. That alone is enough to bring you to your knees. When I was going through a difficult time after caring for my mother for 7 years, her doctor advised me to get help. I was resistant at first but at some point realized if I was not taking care of my self I could not take care of my Mother. I started with part time in home care and eventually moved my mother against her wishes. Prior to making a change I had a social worker assess the condition and living situation. This helped me in making the best decision for my Mother. What I learned was the care givers could manage my Mother better than me. Second and most important after a few week my Mother did not remember she was not in her own house. She actually enjoyed the activities, bus rides and "happy hour". This may not be your experience but was mine. My mother lived with Alzheimer's and dementia for 11 years. The last 4 years were in a care facility.
So much easier said than done (how well I know).
No one should be trapped in a commitment secured by coercion.
Your mother endangers you, and has threatened suicide. She is already far past the point of needing relocation to a facility, where trained professionals can oversee her care.
Your mom needs skilled help and caretakers before the stress you are enduring begins to cause dementia in your brain.
Ans if she qualifies for Medicaid to pay for said facility then you don’t have to sell your home.
Please get her where she’s cared for and safer.
The right thing to do is to keep both yourself and your mother SAFE. You have now had an incident that wasn't safe for either of you.
She may be sundowning later in the day and she's unreasonable, and she's not going to become more reasonable.
If fulfilling your "promise" means completely depleting yourself, mentally and physically, is this still a promise that you need or want to keep.
Your responsibility is to keep your mother safe, and keep yourself fed, watered and rested enough so that you can be a good advocate FOR HER. You can also continue to see her and how about this...do pleasant or fun things together!
Once you get her to a place or facility that has a structure set up to take care of her 24 hours a day, I believe..no I predict that the crushing anxiety, pressure, and desperation will start to dissipate.
Do it now, do it right now, do it today. The time is now and there is no more time needed to dwell upon what is the right thing to do. You know what that is. Go to it!
And good luck!
Your mother manipulated you into making a promise that can’t be kept because of her behavior. It’s time to start acting in your own best interests.
Call social services immediately to determine what can be done to move her.
Give yourself a shot at a life for yourself.
You have one life, live it. If not you will go down with her.
I was so grateful for this as it was long over due. Her NPD and foul mouth was in full swing.
He walked in, introduced himself and began a conversation. As soon as he started with questions, she figured out it was a Psych conversation and ripped into him full swing and told him if he wrote one word in any report " I DONT LIKE- Im suing you to the point of bankruptcy Mr." Within 2 hrs, she was AMA'ing herself for fear of going to " that other floor" meaning Psyc ward. She kicked up such a fuss, so many accusations flew, her roommate actually AMA'd herself as well! Here we were at 4AM packing her things! The roommate was gone before midnight, which ticked her off to no end- I had to have ambulance transport because she is over 300lbs.
Your reply brought back that memory and now that I have removed myself from that situation I see how ludicrous my attempts were to be the daughter I was trying to be. Thank you for the 20/20 hindsight reminder!
you can’t argue with delusions. If you can’t change the subject you need to leave. You can’t really do that since she’s not in a safe environment. My mother pulled the same” I’ll kill myself” cr*p which she has always used to manipulate me but too bad, she’s not safe , neither are you so she needs more care.
Meanwhile, a therapist helped me immensely dealing with a lifetime of a narcissist parent. It gave me the understanding and courage to say “ enough” and mean it. I didn’t see my mother for about a year . It’s better now , I see her on occasion only with my husband along. Once they know they can’t manipulate you, they either get meaner and have no use for you or realize they need you to take them to appointments etc and have to be nicer or you’ll leave. So a win win either way😉
If it was no longer safe for ME to keep my Husband at home...
If it was no longer safe for HIM to keep him at home....
I decided early on that was the point that I would have to place him in Memory Care.
Thankfully it never came to that as he was sweet and kind as well as compliant to the end.
Given only the safety issue it might be time to place her in Memory Care where both she and you will be safe.
You could talk to her doctor about medications but that still will not solve the problem of you not being strong enough if she needs help.
Also side note here you did the correct thing...You do not prevent someone that is falling from falling you guide them safely to the ground then you can call 911 for a "Lift Assist"
You say that you said you would care for her, you would not put her in a home....
First, the person you made that promise to no longer exists.
To care for her is to keep her safe, advocate for her, and be there for her. You can do that if she is in Memory Care.
If she is in Memory Care you can become her daughter first and not her caregiver first.
You must realize you tried as best you could and your own health is at stake now. Stop beating yourself up and feeling guilty. Just realize she is mentally unstable and now has dementia and delusions and what she asked of you is completely selfish and manipulative.
If you continue to try to care for her, you will end up feeling resentful and angry that she robbed you of years and years of your life.
There comes a point where you just have to realize your own limitations and your own needs. Stop feeling guilty about seeking professional care for her.
MY delusional dad argues with me when I visit, but he's Mr nice guy with the aides and nurses. We have never got along and always argued, but I am trying my best to make sure he is safe and comfortable in his last month's of life. He is actually much better off in the nursing home.
You need to distance yourself from her day to day care by getting professional care for her now.
Just know you are not alone.
Do NOT call 911, as this will add to her anxiety and frustration. The Emergency Room is NOT going to have her admitted for “psych testing”,,, this is NOT the route to go...
contact a local hospice,,, they will come evaluate and guide you and assist you in the proper direction.
Using 911 for this is ridiculous...
Believe me, as I know first hand being an EMT on a 911 ambulance for the past 25yrs.
You would be doing no favors to her or the system by going this route...
Hospice social workers are VERY knowledgeable in this field.
Many people have the misconception that hospice is just ‘end of life care’, this not true, they are and have been a very valuable resource for me and my Mother...
You need to take care of yourself. Now. You've done enough. You are incredibly unselfish to have taken care of her this long. At the very least you need hospice to come in and help, but the best would be to get her in a home and work on releasing any guilt. My sister has a personality disorder and I feel for her now grown children. It will have a lasting impact. Take care of yourself. Please.