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Sister46, I can so relate to all the posts in this thread. My husband had a heart transplant and then developed Parkinson’s, which is in advanced stage now. I, too, kept him at home as long as I could and then had to go to skilled nursing care. Like you, I battle loss and depression, having been married 48 years and never on my own until about a year ago. The unfulfilled dreams and expectations of what we thought our retirement would be like have really hit me hard. We thought life would return to normal 12 years ago after his transplant, but they never did. I have found that relationships with friends changed so much after becoming “single,” that I only have a few other ladies who are now single also that I can talk to and do things with. It’s like finding my new normal. Even with that outlet, it is still lonely at home. My faith in God has been my rock. Just a few days ago, after having been quite “down” when I am at home, I woke up in the morning and felt like the fog had lifted off me, like the atmosphere had shifted and I had a new peace and joy that I had not felt in a long time. My husband is still in the facility and I can only see him through the window and talk on the phone, but there is an acceptance there now that I had fought against so hard. It is so hard to give up control!! For me to admit that I couldn’t force change to make him better was a key point in my getting better. There are some things I just can’t fix, no matter how hard I try.
I have said all this to say “Hang in there” and get help when and where you can. I think I am on the road to some recovery now, which didn’t start until I gave up trying to control/fix him, then allowed myself to have a separate life as a single. I don’t like it, but that is my new normal. It will become yours over time, too.
Good luck on your journey - may you find peace and rest for your body and soul.
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sister46 Apr 2020
Unfulfilled dreams and expectations of retirement--yes! Another whole area to have to deal with. You worked hard. He worked hard. You saved. You planned. You dreamed. And it all went up in smoke. I watch my friends who still have each other and they travel travel travel. Cruise cruise cruise. It's not jealousy on my part that I'm not getting to do it, but it probably looks that way. I don't feel "jealous". More like "robbed"! It's just that we worked hard too and we planned carefully too and poof! We'll never get to do a thing. It's hard to get that "single" mindset after having the "married" mindset for most of your life. Hard to adjust to. I still find myself saying "we" when I should be saying "I". A habit that's hard to break. Thanks for your response. It was very helpful.
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