I lost my bedbound husband two weeks ago after 3 years of being sole caregiver. How do I get over the grief at the many times I was annoyed?

Sorry for your loss I lost my husband last xmas, I feel tremendous grief because I had to put him in care for 6 months while I had operation , unfortunately he suffered terrible neglect and abuse and it took me 9 months fighting with council to get him home , but he died 3 months later hospital said due to lack of liquid his kidneys had dried and only one was working they tell me it takes time to come to terms with grief but I can’t forgive myself

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet husband. It sounds like you did an outstanding job keeping him at home and caring for his every need. I believe that somewhere deep inside him he knew you were with him and doing your best. You need to forgive yourself for just being human. All of us who have walked your walk know how utterly exhausting and demanding it is to be the caregiver 24/7.
It takes all your strength and more.
May God give you peace and time to recover. Take good care of you!

So sorry for your loss. You've been given some excellent advice. I imagine your husband would want you to do something wonderful for yourself at this time. Pick something that gives you joy and then go do it. Then come back to this site and let us know how you are doing.

https://www.healthline.com/health/benefits-of-crying#pain-relief

Read this article. It's ok to cry whenever the grief hits you.

We are so hard on ourselves. We are human, doing the best we can.

❤

Sending you so much love. I lost my beloved partner in circumstances almost exactly like yours 3 weeks ago. I, too, remember "hollering". But now I make sure that every day I think about the sweetness of that time and how close we became at the end - even though maybe he didn't always process thoughts - he felt. I have a picture of him with a candle that burns every day until the 49 days of passage end (I am Buddhist.). This ritual really helps to shine a light on who he was rather than who he became. Peace, my love.

My deepest condolences. Even though it seems that you did not have Hospice, they do offer community grieving programs that are free. Please call. You will find you are not alone in your feelings. Your grief is yours alone and take as much time as you need to find peace. There are no judgements on feeling, they are what they are.

You should try to forgive yourself because you are human, and you are not Jesus walking on water. Your mind will work overtime to make you feel guilty which is part of the grieving process, but whatever imperfections we caregivers have done, realize it is all in the PAST. It is OVER. Just be thankful you never put him in a nursing home which they can receive terrible care to the point of bedsores, undocumented falls, and other unseen events. Now try to collect your thoughts and get the death paper work done. If he was on Social Security retirement, notify them of your husband's death for death benefits and you get like $250 to help with the cost of funeral or cremation.

Dear MrsHoover, your post is most extremely touching as it speaks of the such strong emotional turmoil you are feeling after the recent death of your husband. Our hearts are with you. If you think of your marriage as a little boat on the ocean holding just you two, this last bit was a very choppy ride and you had to man the oars alone. Anyone would lose their patience and snap in situations you described (I've been there too). It's natural for unresolved feelings of regret, sadness and even guilt to surface now that he's gone and you have time to feel. But you rowed him home, you did not abandon him, and you will always love him. Yes, be proud of that! It will take time for your emotions to play out and they will be complicated. I agree that grief counseling is a very good idea. Wishing you peace.

This is a poem dedicated to the families that lost love one, like my wife of 54 year of wonderful years of marriage...
and families that had their love ones become infect with covid 19 by the reckless action of their state governors by putting positive hospital patients into nurse homes and assisted living when these facilities had no PPE and nurse aid quitting. This is also for medical hospital staff, that when people infected from their homes were sent to these hospital their staff would write off these poor people knowing that when taken into nursing homes that the residence of these homes had underline condition they still wrote these poor senior off. This is a very solemn day for me it is my wife's birthday and I'm grieving for her and the over 60,000 that died because of our govement leaders.
PLEASE READ THIS POEM 
Love is not something you see.
It's meaning everything to me
It's needing to have you in my life,
So much that I made you my wife.
Love is not something you hear.
It's always wanting to have you near.
It's needing to feel your lips each day
So much that no words could ever say.
Love is not something you taste.
It's never letting it go to waste.
It's needing to see you even when we fight,
So much or I'll miss you day and night.
Love is not something you touch.
It's knowing that you mean so much.
It's needing your skin when I'm in bed,
So much that you make me lose my head.
Love is not something you smell.
It's something that you're proud to tell.
It's needing to always make you smile,
So much that you make my life worth wild
Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/a-sense-of-lov

I think we all have periods of time when our behavior towards our loved one wasn’t perfect. I had a friend tell me remember this, “ at the time you were doing the best you could and yes anger and frustration took over for a bit. If it didn’t you wouldn’t be human. You love this person and yet here you are doing things for them that you never dreamed you would do. Forgive yourself because he would have.”

I am so sorry for your loss. Please give yourself grace. You spent many years doing an extremely difficult task, watching your husband decline. Caregiving is a 36 hour a day job, meaning there are never enough hours in one day to complete tasks. It is so overwhelming and taxing. On top of this, you are grieving.
Now, forgive yourself and grieve. Cry, cry, cry. Take deep breaths, get support. Make sure you do some self care now.
Most of all know you are worthy and fine.
Every caregiver gets angry. All of us are human. God loves you, your husbandoved you.

Both you and hubz are the victims of a sad situation. Few couples now are totally without relatives somewhere, and yours, wherever they may live, should have pitched in with cash or on-site help. Leave that part in God's hands. You did what God required of you, and you are free to re-think how you handled all the details while basically getting an unpleasant job done. Try this: Make a list of things you believe you did well with and for hubz. Take joy in it and share it with God in prayer. The items where you feel you came up short are common to all of us, all the time. Then, each day, watch for something that reminds you of thing[s] that you and hubz did together. Don't intellectualize, just enjoy. Do not indulge now in criticizing the relatives for what they did not do. Pray for their salvation. You are a good person. Take on a FEW new things to fill the void, IF THOSE THINGS ARE COMFORTABLE. [I'm a retirement home nerd because I don't like to play bridge. !!] God bless.

Russell W. Ramsey, 85 y/o widower who team nursed [with wife] our parents.

Ms. Hoover 🙏🏿
I been through annoying days as they forget where the bathroom was before we knew what was going on with their minds. days when I didn’t realize what to face it was figure matter. refused to put on clothes to eat , Didn’t want to take a shower just didn’t want to do what we want them to do. And I found out was because I do believe they understood us and they understood their independence and now they were taking orders from us constantly and didn’t appreciate it . Their independence was being taken away and this was the only way to show. I agree we are you human beings and we do get angry and we do cry and we laughed and we fill of mixed emotions.
It was the transition that they were going through regardless memory loss Alzheimer /dementia /Parkinson’s/ vascular dementia everything under that umbrella.
We accepted the early onset , but as they start transitioning personally ourselves could not cope with the changes. We tell everybody were dealing with it but we actually was not we were excepting The moment and we wanted to stop. We realize that we started grieving the death at least I did mother had vascular dementia but she did not leave to Glory base on vascular dementia on August 20, 2020 she passed away of arrhythmia weighing 94 pounds at the age of 86 and I placed her in the SNF two years ago I had retired in 2014 inherit mother January 1, 2015 caregiving for her for four years before then . . So as to look back as annoyed I just please with the family member we were caring for that I was at my breaking point. Was not accepting to be treated by our love ones we taking care for you are treated because we were not used to that anger on both of our sides denying in our love ones keep telling me I am not a baby .
And as I write this form flashbacks of my time with my mother I wouldn’t say it was disrespectful because I know I would never done any screaming and yelling or raising my voice and higher levels at her I need to find out that annoy them even more so I had to learn to take three deep breath‘s and calm voice readjust myself to the situation and handle it in a come a position .
So Miss Hoover those days will come of happiness and you will smile and then they’ll be days that you regret that you have lost your temper and yelled ,you hollered , you walked away and you will cry so go head and cry let it out it happens to all of us but it’s a good thing. So since I lost my mother in August 20, 2020 my days of loneliness has arrive and yes I cry every day for a little while, cries more cries remembering things I do we used to do together makes it even more to cry but. I do see a Breavement Councelor and I still see her to this day she said you have 13 months to see the Breavement Councelor 8-20,2020 and then they will have a memorial afterwards and if required longer they are there for me / this Services was offered by Sivitz Hospice so if you feel that Breavement counselor would help call your funeral home if that’s what you had called the social worker at your doctors office to set you up with free Breavement Councelor Your Internet they have sessions free sessions they might even have one in your area just put it in Breavement Counselor then put your state or your city , or check with AARP I wish you well the holidays will be rough as the first one has been for me as long as you keep the memory alive eventually our hearts will calm .& our Soul
And yet when you feel comfortable you should share your experience with another because you never know what they’re going through it might be the same and they too need to let them self converse about it first & you two can assist each other .
PS: Its only know I fully realize the state of condition Mother was in. Her world was changing, I wasn’t accepting because, I just retired with my plans & didn’t asked to care for her . My life was on hold .Denying the reality in the face,
God bless you and have safe holidays
Miss Bradshaw

It's hard for us to truly forgive ourselves -
its all so mixed up with our feelings of pain, loss,
and exhaustion- both physical and emotional.
May you more and more often be released from
the painful memories and be happy again.

My heart goes out to you.

I lost my husband with Alzheimers in August. He was only in your husbands state of being bed bound and on hospice for a few weeks. But before that he was always wetting himself and refused to wear depends so I understand what you mean. So.ehow you have to let go of all that. He has forgiven you you have to forgive yourself and consciously only remember good times. It will come. I'm a tualky grieving loss of my darling husband more right now because I'm missing the friend ,companion and lover I had before. There are many steps to grief pull out pictures of good times. I put pictures of cruises we went on and other happy times all around the house. That helps me. I pass one and remember the fun. Hope this helps you a little

You did a fantastic job that very few achieve. No one is perfect! NO ONE!

You have plenty of company. I lost my bed bound husband about 3 weeks ago. There were times, not too many, when I would have what I called a melt down. Looking back, those times seemed to occur when there’d be a significant change in my husband’s condition. The most vivid was when he became totally incontinent. It was traumatic for both of us. Lots of tears and drama. I think my brain rewired itself to the new normal. I was losing the love of my life slowly and steadily with occasional memorable times as mentioned. I never dreamed I’d ever be called upon to do all the things I did. I felt clearly that the end of my husband’s life had many lessons for both of us to learn.
I’ve mostly felt numb and even paralyzed. I’ve too felt bad for the times I wasn’t perfect. These last 3 years seem to fade away as I recall our happier days. I’ve grieved continuously since he began to change and decline. It really has been a “long good-bye.”
You have a whole sisterhood grieving along with you. Prayers

Passion is passion. You were giving him all you had to give. The hardest thing I have found is this introduction to taking care of oneself for the first time in forever. Rest now and heal your body. What would you do to help a good friend in your situation? Caregivers have to think this way. Our bodies and minds don't know us anymore. You've done God's work. You won every day, and he knew you had him covered.

Time.

You did way more than would be expected of anyone.

If you feel you need therapy seek it out, and do not feel ashamed at having to do so. Could also talk to your local minister/rabbi/priest/imam if you're religious.

I am so sorry. I have experienced many of the same feelings for my LO. One of the things that I do is a meditation called forgiving yourself. It is on the calm.com app, you can get a free seven day trial. During the meditation the speaker asks you to forgive yourself and reminds you that you did the best that you could. She also reminds you that if a friend were telling you of the pain that they experienced that you would urge them to not be so hard on themselves. So try not to be so hard on yourself. It is a process and I think it takes a long time. But it is important to work on it every day. Over time this has helped settle my feelings of guilt, grief, pain and loss. I urge you to check it out. God bless.

First my condolences on the death of your husband. This must be hard.

Really as a caregiver in the thick of tasks and seeing that his needs were met, you really didn’t have time to be a wife who can get used to the fact of your dying husband. We all have the voice of a critical parent inside us. So instead of being kind to yourself as you would be to a friend, you are being critical you are now holding yourself to the standards of a saint. Realistically this is not helpful to you nor being kind to yourself. Now is the time to be that friend and forgive yourself that your are human, acted normally and are not a saint.

If it continues, please get counseling for your grief and how you are feeling this unforgiveness towards yourself. Either go through clergy, hospice (if he had this), or a therapist.
Take Care.

I am so sorry you lost your husband and under those circumstances. Hopefully time will help you. None of us are perfect and I am sure you did your best - you were in a terrible situation so don't be too hard on yourself. Just try and concentrate on the good times - and remember you were there for him and didn't give up on him. Lots of love to you and hugs. Give yourself time..........

Sorry for your loss, but you need to cut yourself some slack. As others have said, we are only human and we have our shortcomings. The fact that you cared for him as you did, for 3 long years says you are a good person!

As my kids learned at a very young age, there is only one thing in the world that is perfect - aholes... YOU are not one of them!!!

As others said, focus on all the good times you had and the wonderful care you were able to provide. Let those moments of frustration go. Would've Could've Should've never serves any purpose other than to bring one down. Those moments of frustration are just that, moments. I'm sure we've all had those moments over the many years when our LOs were healthy and fine - do you agonize over those? These are no different, other than having to deal with all that you did tends to bring them out sometimes. Forgive yourself!

MrsHoover, the fact that you feel guilty about this proves that you are a kind and caring person, and because of the latter, you had done the best you could have done.

My mother was very hard of hearing and ended up with very poor short-term memory, so she would ask the same question several times in short order. (She had always been an "interrogator"!) Sometimes I would lose my cool and snap at her, but with her memory she would usually forget. Sometimes I apologized, and she just said "it's okay" and let it go. I usually spent a couple hours with her 3 or 4 times a week (she ended up bedridden in a nursing home) so I did the best I could.

Could I have done any better?--YES

However, did I do the best I could taking into account my own personal flaws, shortcomings and basic human fallibility?--YES

Therefore, I just accept that I did the best I was capable of doing, and she was taken care of, I can't change anything now, and she knew I loved her and she loved me, and I let it go at that because the bottom line is that our time together worked out successfully.

Juse understand that you're human and did the best you could.

And believe me, he was a thousand times better off. Felt more love, was not scared nor did he feel lonely or depressed and wax very fortunate to have been able to live tge rest of his life in his own home verses being miserable in a home.

Praters for comfort.

I'd get annoyed at my mom too, when she was rude to me, when she had Alzheimer's, but I had to remind myself that it was the disease talking. I also had to remind myself that if my mom's brain allowed, she wouldn't be acting in an inappropriate way. It's only human to get aggravated over these situations. I even wrote a book about our travails taking care of her, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I would just remind myself of the nice time that my mom and I had, before Alzheimer's basically hijacked her brain. Hang in there, and know that you did a really good job within a really bad situation.

Sorry for your loss 🙏🏼

Welcome to the club...with getting annoyed at a lo ....

as a matter of fact, yesterday I got so annoyed at my mother scratching her crotch...& me keep sanitizing her hand & fingers...& this was a repetitive behavior...so I took break 5 min ...went back...to clean her, change diaper & put crotch itch cream.. then she stopped with that & fell asleep 😴.......hugs 🤗

MrsHoover, I agree that we loose our patience because we are exhausted. However, I honestly believe if you took those instances lacking total patience and measured them against all the other times over many many many years of patient caregiving, they would not register on the scale. Please try not to focus on those immeasurable moments. I appreciate you sharing honestly as I also feel the guilt of not being perfect with my Mom. Our LO’s knew well before their illness that we were not perfect and we need to accept that reality. I am very sorry for your loss and hope that you can let go of those moments and keep hold of the many loving memories and be very proud of the how well you took care of your husband. Sending you a hug.

I'm always so grateful to read the wise and comforting and helpful words on this forum.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Which actually happened slowly, along the years. You've been pre-grieving for so long, it became your 'norm'. Now your 'new norm' is dealing with the EOL things and moving forward.

There's NO ONE in the world who wouldn't have felt exhausted and frustrated in your place. Be gentle with yourself, OK?

My DH is not in good health and is getting ready to retire--when asked what he wants to do, all he ever says is 'sleep'....and I have no reason to believe he isn't going to do just that. He's been in bed all week. And he will probably not get up tomorrow nor Sunday, either.

Believe me, I am pre-grieving all the things I thought we'd do together---and hanging on tightly to the memories of when he DIDN'T want to sleep 24/7.

I'm sure your DH was profoundly grateful to you--just couldn't voice it. Time will heal this. Prayers for you today.