Let me start by saying; It was my choice to move in. His mother & aunt had been going down south for the cold months. He lived at my home for the months they were gone. It was fantastic!
We were planning to get her set up out of state with caregivers and move into his home and rent mine. He was down south setting it up, I moved into his home and lived by myself for months. Then she had a fall, went to rehab and dementia set in very quickly. So now, she is here, along with her sister. It’s been one year and our relationship is declining rapidly.
I live in his home, with nothing of my own but my clothes. There is no space for anything of mine. He will not make a place for me because he doesn’t want to fight with his mom about getting rid of her things.
He is mad all the time. Between guilt, hate for having to take care of his mom and aunt, obligations, and feeling stuck, he is never present. TV, and video games are his escape. We have no privacy and our intimacy has almost disappeared.
I love him and was planning on spending the rest of my life with him. Now, not so sure. To be honest, I’m not willing to give up the years of vitality I have left to care for his family. I cook, clean, laundry, drive to appts and also am staring a new career. His family has longevity close to 100. I could be 65 before this ends. I’m currently 50.
Do I walk away? Am I making a mistake? I’m so tried, I have not slept well in a year. I look 10 years older, have mystery pains, I never had before. I’m sure due to stress. I’m exhausted!
He told me that he would understand if I left. Which upsets me, because I want to figure out a way to make this work. Multi family home, assisted living, something, anything, but he says he has no idea to how to do it. So he shuts it all out and does nothing.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you.
I know it's hard to have to choose between the man you love and your future happiness, but your future is the most important thing! Longevity runs in my family too...........my mother is 94 and going strong, one uncle is 100 and going strong........you just don't know how long these women can live. My mother lives in Memory Care because I made a decision long ago that no elders would be living with me, PERIOD. I thank God on a daily basis that I made that decision, too, b/c my mother needs a TON of care with dementia & being wheelchair bound & incontinent for the past several years. It would have been a huge burden on me and on my DH of 11 years had I made the choice to move her in with me!
Perhaps you can have one last talk with your b/f about this matter to make sure he won't budge and is willing to lose you over his refusal to do nothing about this. Then you'll know you tried everything in your power to salvage the relationship before calling it quits.
GOOD LUCK!
I do agree with you, ambition and problem solving are a needed trait to maneuver through this life.
I believe he shuts down because he is overwhelmed. He is an only child, lived with his mom until he was 30, moved out on his own and now back with her at 50. She has been the one constant women in his life. His ex wife and ex girlfriend told him that he was not present during their relationships either, so he knows. I guess, I was hoping things would change.
I don’t feel stuck, but was really, really hoping he would put me first. My mistake completely for waiting. I hate having to start over. My mother says “you need to take care of your treasures,” he doesn’t see me as such. She said, I am the treasure and should not devalue who I am.
Thank you for the emotional investment you have given me. Much appreciated.
One more thing to think about: I don't think your boyfriend's issue is that he's overwhelmed - however true that is - I think his issue is maturity, or specifically the lack thereof.
Unless you have lived an extremely charmed life, there are very few adults who haven't been overwhelmed at one time or another. A mature person deals with it - a mature person doesn't remove him/herself from the situation (like zoning out watching TV or playing video games) while everyone around him/her deals with the situation that is making that person feel overwhelmed. That's something that a child does.
A mature person who is in a committed relationship has enough sense to say to their significant other "I am feeling so overwhelmed by this - what can I do to solve this problem?" A child says "I am feeling overwhelmed - fix it for me."
A mature person invites assistance - not gives the entire problem over to another because he "can't deal". A child does that.
Do you want to be in a relationship with an adult, or act as a mother figure to a man-child? I think that's why he's so reluctant to leave his mom - she treats him like a child, so he can continue to act like a child. His anger with you is that you're not willing to take up that role anymore, and who can blame you? I'm sure that's not what you signed on for when you took up with this person.
If your plan is to cut your losses, do it before you waste anymore of your precious time. If not, be prepared to spend more time in your relationship being a mom, and less time being a partner.
I married the first time at 24 for all the wrong reasons. My ex had not had a good childhood. Mom died, foster home, Dad remarried, didn't get along with Stepmother, ect. So I thought I could give him what he needed. If I had made a list of pros and cons, I would never have married him. It was even one sided before we married. 4 years in we had a daughter. Things went downhill from there. He came home one day and said he didn't want to be married anymore. He took our daughter on Friday afternoons and made sure she was back by dinner. Gave up his parental rights so my now DH could adopt my daughter. Then he just walked out of her life. He was found dead at 69 yrs old sitting in his recliner in front of his TV with beer cans surrounding him. Yes he had married again but again after 5 years he divorced her. So, he died alone.
He like your BF never learned how to have relationships with people. He had turned away 2 wives. Didn't keep in touch with the half siblings he had. Had no long lasting friendships. He did me the biggest favor he could, let me go. I have been married 40 yrs, 2 daughters and 2 grandsons. All within 5 min away. He had told a fellow worker when he retired he was just going to sit in his chair, in front of the TV and drink beer. Thats how he wanted to live the rest of his life.
I think you know what you will be doing. You have been told you don't need to stay. Then don't. Go back to your house. This man is doing you a favor, their is someone out there that will love you above all others.
If no one has the money to finance their care, and no one has Power of Attorney to manage their care and affairs then he starts to solve his problem by calling social services for the county where his impaired relatives are living and talking to a social worker about having them assessed for in-home services. If they qualify, it is only a partial and short-term solution. Eventually the county can acquire guardianship of them and relocate them into a facility and manage all their affairs. Everyone else moves on with their lives.
Please understand that if you aren't getting paid for the care and are sacrificing a job/career in order to care for these people then you are robbing yourself of your own security in the future. No one is putting away your wages for your social security benefit, to start with.
Your BF doesn't seem to be a good/honest communicator and doesn't seem to know how to solve problems other than to make them someone else's. He seems very passive, as he just lets stuff happen and then doesn't deal with it. What would he do if YOU ever needed real help from him? Probably not much, is the answer. I think you should have higher standards for a partner than that, because you're worth it. Wishing you much wisdom and clarity as you make a decision.
protect yourself, yes.
as geaton writes:
“What would he do if YOU ever needed real help from him?”
and as you wrote, he said he understands if you leave.
no...you need a man who’ll fight for you, who doesn’t want you to leave, who wants to make you happy.
also—you said he’s mad all the time.
stay away from angry men/people.
hug!!
build a new life :).
you can still help him/his family, if you want. help yourself, too.
make sure the man you choose truly loves you.
You did not choose or agree to live with and become the caregiver to his elderly mother and aunt.
Mom is also jealous and resentful of you being there. Even though you're pretty much a servant in the house, she resents you because she's competing with you for her son's affection. That's why she refuses to allow any space for your things. She will throw a tantrum and make her son's life miserable if he supports you in any way because she wants you out.
There's an old Italian saying. "Better a viper in your bed then two women at your table". It has to be you or mother.
Give your partner the ultimatum that either they go or you do. Really there is no other way.
You say you'll be 50 soon. You're not a kid yourself anymore. Don't sacrifice the remainder of your youth to the drudgery and misery of being a caregiver to people who clearly have no love or even respect for you. They probably never did.
If your partner chooses his mother and aunt over you, then so be it. Tell him they can keep his bed warm at night because you're out. Good luck to you and I hope your partner makes the right choice.
“She resents you because she's competing with you for her son's affection.”
“She will throw a tantrum and make her son's life miserable if he supports you in any way because she wants you out.”
—
so true.
and actually quite similar to how some mothers treat their daughters.
woman (mother) against woman (daughter)
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=women+domainated+by+men+to+care+for+parent
There are a number of situations which are similar, and "parent" can be substituted for any other person for whom a man is attempting to co-opt a woman into help.
I think his observation that you could leave and he would understand is telling and insightful. You want to make it work; apparently he doesn't. Does that reveal anything t you about his attitude?
It could be that he's overwhelmed; so are many of us; it's not unusual. The drawback is if he's not learning or doesn't want to learn how to cope. That's a good indication that not only his caregiving efforts but also your relationship is not on a positive track.
I've read so many of these kinds of threads that I begin to wonder if sometimes the men involved know how to provoke, manipulate and control a caregiving attitude from the woman, and then capitalize on it. That's obviously not a good basis for a relationship.
Sorry to be blunt, but it's time to stop co-opting your life for his. And, you DON'T have to care for HIS family!
You have a new career to develop. If you don't give yourself the opportunity to make the most of it, you will regret it.
Open yourself up to new possibilities and friendships. The pandemic has made many people evaluate the future and what they want. As long as you are clear about what you want - and don't want - a new relationship can blossom. Spring is here and summer isn't far off so get out there and start living the "years of vitality" ahead of you.
I also hope you treat yourself to a retreat or some serious pampering.
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