I made the decision to move in with my partner. Now it’s his aunt and mother with dementia, too. Mistake...Now what?

Leave! Start a new life…unless you want to be changing adult diapers for the next 20 years. Hugs 🤗

Sorry I'm late to the game. PC decided to reboot and it's taken a bit to get back to this, but I was also giving it some thought.

"His ex wife and ex girlfriend told him that he was not present during their relationships either, so he knows. I guess, I was hoping things would change."

I'm glad I waited. These statements speak volumes. This IS who he is. You can hope all you want for change, but even if he were younger, I'd say don't count on it. This IS who he is and he isn't likely to change.

"I live in his home, with nothing of my own but my clothes."
"He will not make a place for me because he doesn’t want to fight with his mom about getting rid of her things."

You aren't LIVING in his home, you're basically living in a hotel, of sorts.

"He is mad all the time. Between guilt, hate for having to take care of his mom and aunt, obligations, and feeling stuck, he is never present."

Despite what one commenter has been saying, this is someone who DOESN'T want to provide the care, but is also too worried about how things would "look" if he moved them to a facility. Hmmm, he wasn't concerned about how it would look when he went south to "make arrangements", was he? What's changed? Oh, he has a FREE care-giver.

"TV, and video games are his escape. We have no privacy and our intimacy has almost disappeared."

I understand people sometimes need an "escape", but when he's "escaping" all the time, what relationship do you even have at this point?

If you'd had a good relationship, marriage or not, for years and agreed to help him care for these two, that might be different. Being thrust into this and then left to fend for yourself, without even really "living" in the home is asking a bit much from a "partner".

"I cook, clean, laundry, drive to appts..."

What does he contribute? Anything?

"... and also am staring a new career."

Yes, caregiver and nursemaid for three.

"I’m so tried, I have not slept well in a year. I look 10 years older, have mystery pains, I never had before. I’m sure due to stress. I’m exhausted!"

Your emotions may be holding sway over you, but your body is sending you messages. Maybe time to listen?

"...I want to figure out a way to make this work. Multi family home, assisted living, something, anything, but he says he has no idea to how to do it. So he shuts it all out and does nothing."

It'll take TWO to make it work. He was, so you thought, planning to set this all up "down south." Why is it any more difficult now? YOU have no real say in where they'll live or who will provide the care (at this point YOU are the care - why would he want to change anything?)

Rather than just say move out and move on, here's how I instructed my daughter, when she was nearly an adult and starting relationships:

1) Make two lists, things you like about this person and things you don't like.
  For clarification, this means things you like/don't like, NOT what's good or bad.
  Good and bad are judgements. Like/don't like are impressions.

2) Weigh the items on these lists, very carefully.

3) Decide if you can live with the things you don't like.
  This is because you CAN'T change another person.

If you can live with the things you don't like, it *might* work.
If you can't live with the thing you don't like, it'll never work and you'd most likely continue to be (or become more) miserable.

You wrote:
"I don’t feel stuck, but was really, really hoping he would put me first. My mistake completely for waiting. I hate having to start over. My mother says “you need to take care of your treasures,” he doesn’t see me as such. She said, I am the treasure and should not devalue who I am."

It's been a year of this. Consider it a year of education. Starting over might take time, but what's worse, spending that time still waiting for things to change or perhaps finding the right person?
Your mother is a wise woman.
Take time away from the situation (is your home available still?) Make those lists and do some REAL thinking.

Ok, curiosity killed the cat.

So, AC why did BigRed say I was compassionate and she was upvoting my answer and that of all things was deleted but all the attacks about non compassion and suicide are left up?

I understand you want me to be the resident bad guy but this is taking it too far, just like before. I have obeyed your rules, not went after WIC or ITRR as requested, no likes, no responses, nothing.

So why does one nice thing about me get deleted but this other instigating BS get left up?

I know if that rush to find a placement for 2 hit me, I would be overwhelmed and junk TV would look like a good respite.
1. Why don't the 2 of you agree to have an evening talking between the two of you --of possible scenarios. Yes, you should probably do a bit of homework first so that you two can talk with some specificity. Agree to talk again in 1 week to DECIDE.
2.If they had been in helping facilities before, it appears there is $$ to pay for some home care (cleaning, laundry, appointments, meal prep) (I hope you aren't falling into the martyr camp. Also, what is the son/nephew doing to help?)
3. If the two of you are indeed caring for both, what are each of you doing to contribute to the family? He might need a kind explanation of the amount that has to be done. You have jumped in so easily, he may think it is easy.
4. What can the Aunt contribute? Money, laundry, meal prep, setting the table? Find something that will make her feel useful. She will truly appreciate it.
5. Don't threaten to leave. That makes you as much as an ostrich in the sand as he. You need to work together --as a couple, friends or more-- to find the best solution for all of you.
6. Why worrry about the intimacy --in the living or bedroom? They know what it's about. Why are you hiding your feeling for each other? Do any of you show any affection for each other?
7. You are the smart one at the moment...remember that.

I so agree with JPC2842. I couldn't have said it better. Exactly what I was thinking.

My husband has been gone for over a year. I was but no longer am caregiving. I basically am happy the way I am. I don't want to care for anyone else ever again so I would definately be very hesitant to be with any man.

I am older than you but I can see where this could go on for quite some time taking your younger years and chances of finding another relationship a lot less likely if that's what you want.

I realize it is hard and is moneywise sometimes impossible for your friend to make other arrangements even if he really wants to do so. But, at the same time, is that how you want to live the rest of your life if that is so. The longer you wait, the harder it will become for you. I agree with the other lady, if he is really interested in making a change and having a life with you, he will figure things out. If he doesn't then maybe he doesn't care for you as much as you need him too.

As you get older, you realize how precious life really is. Don't wake up wondering where all the years went and wondering what if this or that. Take care of yourself. Sometimes that's the right thing to do even though it is hard.

You should move back into your own house and let him deal with his family. Once you are not there to do all the chores he will have to face reality. Right now he is dependent upon you.
you can still continue to see him if that is what you want but this will force him to figure things out.

I Agreed talk to him one more time if he don't do anything then move back to your place I give him 3 months he won't be able to care for them by him self. Care giver job is not easy good luck.

Many great answers here, but I can tell you what I see. It sounds like you know what you need to do. He has shown he doesn't want to deal with you, his mom, or.....anything, to be honest, and had the same issue in past relationships. It sounds like he tends to ostrich a bit...to let the world develop around him rather than forming a plan. He's too complacent to even consider your basic needs at this point, and has put the emotional labor on you to leave. Anything to avoid conflict. Yeah. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, and he's not a happy camper either right now. I'm positive he has a lot of good qualities as well, but this is a very big deal as a couple. In my experience, most people like this don't change much from their default as a rule, or it is short term unless you're constantly pushing them, which makes you both resentful, which is probably not what you signed up for. In my case with my partner, I realized I was mourning the loss of the dream I had at my (middle) age more than the actual man I was with. I felt too exhausted to start over. I was in a different situation than caregiving at the time, but remember how devastating it was to see my "future" crash. I left. (10 years later, I'm living with and caregiving for my mother and holding down a full time job, lol..but that's another story - and it was a pretty awesome 8 years in between events.) FYI, he and I were still able to retain a friendship for awhile after - platonic. My advice? I got out of that relationship 3 years too late. Rip off the band-aid now before you feel truly stuck. The short term road will be emotionally exhausting and not easy, but your future self and your future health will be eternally grateful. I know this is very one sided advice, and I don't know him, you, or your life experiences, so your mileage may vary, and I may get a lot of flak, but I wish you well in whatever you choose.

Run, don’t walk!!! You’re not going to change him!!

So basically you are the 24/7 caregiver for two people in return for a place to live? If he had to hire someone to care for them it would cost upwards of $25 an hour! Find a place of your own, move out, and see what happens.

Aghtgh, any improvements?

You know, by leaving for even a weekend or 1-2 weeks, your partner may have a *A'Ha!* moment 💡💡

He may realize his life CAN be different to what it currently is or is turning into. It may really help ALL of you towards a new plan.

I am 49. I have noticed recently that I too look 10 years older and just today , i was given a seniors discount (not offered, just given) A year ago people always said I look much younger than my age
You already know what you want/need. Don't feel guilty leaving, it sounds like he is not that invested anyway or just feels trapped and knows he has nothing to offer.
Go and have the vitality, but have more of it than you previously would have imagined.. loads more of it. Take this as a lesson life is short and mistakes are easily made. It is NOT going to get better. Run, run, run. oh and by the way...run.
Do it for those of us who can't.

First, do you see yourself living with this guy for the rest of your life (if things were better at the home)? If yes, maybe you all just need to find a bigger home to allow living areas for the two elders and for both of you. If you sold your house, his house, and bought one with more bedrooms that could be used as bedrooms/sitting areas - it could be more doable. You could bring your things in and feel like it was your home, too. Use mom/aunt's income to pay for in home care if the plan is to keep them at home. When that is no longer doable they move to facility and their income moves with them. Their income could also pay toward some utilities and groceries. The other bills you'd have with or without them, so you/partner pay those.

If you could find a 4-5 bedroom home, or one with two separate living areas - you/partner would have a living area and they would, too. They would be able to have some/all of their belongings (depending on what they have). The rest can go to storage if they aren't willing to sell it.

If it's going to continue as is, in his house, this isn't going to work because you don't feel at home - he's drowning in what he feels as obligation - and the elders don't seem to be willing to budge to let you feel at home. You two aren't going to get happier together; you're going to make the divide even bigger. So that means it's time to move on down the road and go back to your own home.

Imho, since your partner apparently does not care to discuss the issue at hand and resorts to watching tv or playing video games, he (and you also) may require counseling.

If you truly loved him and wanted to spend the rest of your life with him you wouldn't ask the question in this way wanting people to encourage you to leave. His should be your family and you're taking care of them like they are which I definitely applaud you for people die quicker in nursing facilities feeling unloved and abandoned. I went through exactly what he is my 1st wife lied to marry me and get into my home knowing my father was in bad health and likely too go down within a week started leaving nursing home brochures around and telling me how great they were and I should consider it so she could go on a vacation honeymoon so selfish of her it didn't last long I divorced her an kicked her out of my life completely. I'm now married to a wonderful woman who helped me care for my father and when her father had to have a leg amputation he and her mother moved in with us because her family is also my family in my eyes as everyone should feel this way. My father started getting worse and I withdrew into myself and video games to not deal with the pain and reality my father wasn't going too be around much longer. My wife I just asked her she never considered leaving me because she loves me and my father was her family too. Her mother died while my father was dealing with his cancer treatments and consumed with my own pain I wasn't there for her. But she didn't leave . she got healthcare workers to help us out so we had our own private time to come to terms with everything. I played video games and she painted . when my father died she was there for me so much I was ready to kill myself all I could think about was i couldn't bare the pain she got me through it. I regret not being there for her when her mom died now but when her father died I was there for her and we had rough spots we barely talked always depressed and hurting over 5 years it took our fathers and her mom to die intimacy wasn't even a thought we were too tired caring for our family and too emotionally drained. Its been almost 10 years since that part of our lives we're more in love now then before and nothing besides death can part us. Only thing I'd change is being there for her when her mom died. You need too seriously think about what you're doing you are in too far now get help for yourselves he's obviously to consumed knowing his mom will die soon may think its 15 years now but she could go tomorrow or next year . You have invested yourself into this family get help caring for your mother in-law and this aunt who should be with her own children their going too regret not being there with her spending her last days with her. If you walk away and his mom dies and he commits suicide how will you live with yourself knowing you gave up abandoned the love of your life and didn't find him help too care for them? You're just exhausted find some in home help the live in kind 24-7. Talk too him about how all of this is making him feel and assure him you're by his side going too make this work and make sure his moms well taken care of an remind him how much you love him. Trust me he appreciates you helping and still loves you he's going through so much pain and emotions right now he just can't come above it himself. Prayers for you and YOUR FAMILY. Hubby,mother in-law and. Random aunt

What a terrible situation. Personally, I think it would be best if you cut your losses now while you still can. At least find a place to live by yourself. You can keep up the friendship with him but don't get more involved. He is looking out for them and not for you. Don't live like that - you deserve more. Find a way.

I posted early on and like others, I suggested to run away as quickly as possible.

I read your posting again just now because it popped up in my news feed.

I would like you to carefully read your own words. They speak volumes!

This is why therapists suggest journaling.

Journaling is extremely useful for tracking our emotions.

You don’t have to necessarily write a book either. That’s not the purpose of journaling. It’s simply to express your thoughts.

It’s beneficial to review your past entries in your journal.

You will see if you are stuck. You will see if you are making progress and so on.

You will also see your emotions staring you in the face as plain as day, in black and white in your own personal journal, in your own words and from your heart.

Your words do not describe a woman who is secure in her relationship. You are questioning everything!

Have you considered seeing an outside, objective professional therapist to help sort out your feelings about this situation? I believe that it would do a world of good.

Those close to you are going to be concerned about hurting your feelings, etc.

Find someone that has experience in relationship issues and lay it all out on the table. If you don’t like a therapist for valid reasons, switch to a new one.

Therapy is a safe place to sort through your feelings.

Just make sure that you stay with it long enough to help.

If you only participate in therapy for a short period of time, you will shortchange yourself. You must be willing to invest enough time and energy in order to receive help. It’s hard work but well worth it.

Do not be offended by a therapist if their viewpoint is different from yours. Give yourself time to process the information.

Go, tell a professional everything that you told us and see what unfolds.

You just may find yourself receiving validation for all of your feelings that you expressed.

Don’t take that validation for granted. It means something.

Wishing you the very best in life. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your life.

If something is blocking any of your goals in life, close the door.

If you should leave him, take time to mourn any losses and dreams that you hoped for with this man.

Be open for new doors to open. Use this experience as a learning experience and remember that with everything experience, good and bad, we learn and grow.

You said you had a house and the plan was to rent it out. Is that happening? If not then go back to your home.
Visit him if you want but do not stay in his mother's home. You would do better to be rested and then visit him with a positive attitude and lift his spirits.
Perhaps your leaving will make him have to move from his dependence on inaction and make plans. Because right now you are doing what he needs to be doing.

My advice is dont base your decisions about your relationship on the words of random people on a forum. Look to close friends and family who know you.

Anyway, do you have a PCP? Have him order a social worker for YOU to come to the home. They can act as a mediator and help refer services for the elders to help both of you out. Sometimes it takes bringing a third party in.

You said you love him.. You've put allot into this relationship, so has he. This is what is meant when you say "for better or worse". If you leave over rough times, do you really and truly love him?

My husband and I take care of my nearly 90 year old, narcissistic mother who is also on dialysis. Don't know if you're familiar with narcissism, but it's along the lines of dementia as far as difficulty is concerned. Both are mental illnesses.

My husband should not have to deal with her, but he does. Why? Because he loves me and we both said "for better or worse". Our relationship will, God willing, last longer than my mother will.

Just my humble opinion and two cents worth.

I would say you have answered your own question. Your health and well being are the most important factors right now. Caregiving can be a very rough experience as time goes by. I speak from long experience in the trenches.
Is that where you want to be for a prolonged time?

I heard an interesting saying... "Indecision is your decision not to decide." While you are still able to think clearly now, you should have your own place to think things through. There may be agencies that can help these women. Your male friend will have to rise to the occasion, not drag you down. When you have your own place, you can help him perhaps by making some phone calls to see how these women can be helped in this situation.

The time to get out of a toxic situation is when you can't sleep well and foresee a decline in health for your future.

The city no one wants to visit is "Adverse"-City (adversity) -- but since you are there now, it sounds like you are on the right track out.

Wishing you future happiness. I have not had the time to read other's comments, but Aging Care has been such a therapeutic place for me to visit, that it's helped a great deal with my situation.

Blessings to you...

The mom and aunt are part of the “package” deal. They will get worse.

The silver lining: he is trying to take care of them personally, not just put them somewhere. In my opinion, that speaks volumes about his character and how he would help you -or someone in your family - if needed.

The video games as escape may indicate a bit of depression. I was depressed when taking care of aging family, so I understand. It is hard to watch the decline of a loved one, let alone two.

The choice is yours: be his superhero or bow out and gain your complete freedom. There is no wrong answer. If you are going to leave anyway, sooner is better than later (for both of you).

So, if you do leave, how will he take care of the ladies? Ask him. Perhaps he could do that NOW, without you having to leave?

What type of things do you have that you are doing without? Furniture, wall decor, clocks, knickknacks? Bring them. You lived there without him for a time—don’t ask. You live there too. Bring your favorites.

Tell Mom the truth: you love your things and miss them terribly. Don’t remove her favorite chair, but ask her, if possible during a lucid moment, which are HER favorite things. And keep those. Or ask your partner which are mom’s favorite things. You could box up her other items and store a few boxes in her closet. You live there, too!

Definitely get some in-home relief—twice or thrice a week or even daily. This is what your partner would need to do if you weren’t in the picture, unless he can stay home with the ladies? If so, sign him up!

Get off the doormat!

Listen to your body.

speak to your "honey" about contacting an Elder attorney (IF he is POA) of both of them and get things set up to move them into an AL or NH whichever is necessary. The attorney will help with everything in the financial aspect. Find a good place that will also except medicaid so that when their finances are gone they can go onto medicaid. Its not fair to you to be the caregiver which you did not sign up for. And with him escaping to tv/video games........what about "your" escape to relieve stress? If he is not willing to do the attorney thing.....then find a small apartment and move out.......then you can set up "dates" for when HE is free from the stress of taking care of their needs..........he will soon find a way to make changes for all. I wish you luck.

After reading your response it sounds like you have decided it's time to move on. My fear is that if you don't leave now he may decide to disappear one day and leave you with the ladies. He'd still inherit. Don't wait that long!

As I recall, a saying goes "When someone shows his/her true colors, believe it!" I think this boyfriend is showing them quite plainly, although in this case it is neglect rather than viciousness.

Get your own place and after you have been able to rest ,and think you can decide the bigger decisions. As long as you are tired and stressed out you will not have very good judgement.

He may be trying to tell you something

Caregiving is tough. I do admire his devotion to family. Sounds like he would be very devoted to you especially if you needed a caregiver some day? I am not so sure my husband would be if our roles were reversed. If your partner could set some boundaries? That could solve some problems? I am guessing perhaps your partner doesn’t want to lose their assets to a nursing home? Do they have funds that can be used to give you both some time off each week? Or would he love to visit you at your apartment? Just thoughts.