Let me start by saying; It was my choice to move in. His mother & aunt had been going down south for the cold months. He lived at my home for the months they were gone. It was fantastic!
We were planning to get her set up out of state with caregivers and move into his home and rent mine. He was down south setting it up, I moved into his home and lived by myself for months. Then she had a fall, went to rehab and dementia set in very quickly. So now, she is here, along with her sister. It’s been one year and our relationship is declining rapidly.
I live in his home, with nothing of my own but my clothes. There is no space for anything of mine. He will not make a place for me because he doesn’t want to fight with his mom about getting rid of her things.
He is mad all the time. Between guilt, hate for having to take care of his mom and aunt, obligations, and feeling stuck, he is never present. TV, and video games are his escape. We have no privacy and our intimacy has almost disappeared.
I love him and was planning on spending the rest of my life with him. Now, not so sure. To be honest, I’m not willing to give up the years of vitality I have left to care for his family. I cook, clean, laundry, drive to appts and also am staring a new career. His family has longevity close to 100. I could be 65 before this ends. I’m currently 50.
Do I walk away? Am I making a mistake? I’m so tried, I have not slept well in a year. I look 10 years older, have mystery pains, I never had before. I’m sure due to stress. I’m exhausted!
He told me that he would understand if I left. Which upsets me, because I want to figure out a way to make this work. Multi family home, assisted living, something, anything, but he says he has no idea to how to do it. So he shuts it all out and does nothing.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you.
Move out. Go back to your home if possible.
If your partner is 'doing nothing' now, after marriage it will be more of the same. He has made no place for you, but has obligated you to care for his relatives?
I think that I understand you questioning yourself. With very little sleep, that just adds to the many ways a person can be gaslighted or controlled by their partner. Look up "Gaslighting". If what is happening to you is similar, make your break from this relationship clean and fast.
What will you miss about him? "He is never present, watches T.V. and Video games, he is mad all the time, intimacy and privacy are lacking.....
Were you thinking of changing him at his age?
It really isn't fair for either one of you to cling to a relationship that has no lasting ties and isn't the priority for both of you. He's not a bad guy -- what is, is. Things change, and sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. This relationship isn't working, and spending time (years?) trying to fit a square peg in a round hole is still time wasted.
You have a new career to develop. If you don't give yourself the opportunity to make the most of it, you will regret it.
Open yourself up to new possibilities and friendships. The pandemic has made many people evaluate the future and what they want. As long as you are clear about what you want - and don't want - a new relationship can blossom. Spring is here and summer isn't far off so get out there and start living the "years of vitality" ahead of you.
I also hope you treat yourself to a retreat or some serious pampering.
If no one has the money to finance their care, and no one has Power of Attorney to manage their care and affairs then he starts to solve his problem by calling social services for the county where his impaired relatives are living and talking to a social worker about having them assessed for in-home services. If they qualify, it is only a partial and short-term solution. Eventually the county can acquire guardianship of them and relocate them into a facility and manage all their affairs. Everyone else moves on with their lives.
Please understand that if you aren't getting paid for the care and are sacrificing a job/career in order to care for these people then you are robbing yourself of your own security in the future. No one is putting away your wages for your social security benefit, to start with.
Your BF doesn't seem to be a good/honest communicator and doesn't seem to know how to solve problems other than to make them someone else's. He seems very passive, as he just lets stuff happen and then doesn't deal with it. What would he do if YOU ever needed real help from him? Probably not much, is the answer. I think you should have higher standards for a partner than that, because you're worth it. Wishing you much wisdom and clarity as you make a decision.
protect yourself, yes.
as geaton writes:
“What would he do if YOU ever needed real help from him?”
and as you wrote, he said he understands if you leave.
no...you need a man who’ll fight for you, who doesn’t want you to leave, who wants to make you happy.
also—you said he’s mad all the time.
stay away from angry men/people.
hug!!
build a new life :).
you can still help him/his family, if you want. help yourself, too.
make sure the man you choose truly loves you.
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=women+domainated+by+men+to+care+for+parent
There are a number of situations which are similar, and "parent" can be substituted for any other person for whom a man is attempting to co-opt a woman into help.
I think his observation that you could leave and he would understand is telling and insightful. You want to make it work; apparently he doesn't. Does that reveal anything t you about his attitude?
It could be that he's overwhelmed; so are many of us; it's not unusual. The drawback is if he's not learning or doesn't want to learn how to cope. That's a good indication that not only his caregiving efforts but also your relationship is not on a positive track.
I've read so many of these kinds of threads that I begin to wonder if sometimes the men involved know how to provoke, manipulate and control a caregiving attitude from the woman, and then capitalize on it. That's obviously not a good basis for a relationship.
Sorry to be blunt, but it's time to stop co-opting your life for his. And, you DON'T have to care for HIS family!
I know it's hard to have to choose between the man you love and your future happiness, but your future is the most important thing! Longevity runs in my family too...........my mother is 94 and going strong, one uncle is 100 and going strong........you just don't know how long these women can live. My mother lives in Memory Care because I made a decision long ago that no elders would be living with me, PERIOD. I thank God on a daily basis that I made that decision, too, b/c my mother needs a TON of care with dementia & being wheelchair bound & incontinent for the past several years. It would have been a huge burden on me and on my DH of 11 years had I made the choice to move her in with me!
Perhaps you can have one last talk with your b/f about this matter to make sure he won't budge and is willing to lose you over his refusal to do nothing about this. Then you'll know you tried everything in your power to salvage the relationship before calling it quits.
GOOD LUCK!