Hi! First post and will be a doozy. (TLDR at bottom).
My 78 yo mom is currently living in a hotel because she accidentally set fire to her house. While she was still at home, over the past 3 years, my husband (and our 2 adult kids) would cook meals and deliver every day; pay her bills and manage her finances; clean her yard; and until 3 years ago, clean her home.
Three years ago, my father died. After he passed, my mom stopped allowing us entry in to her home. Things got bad. Really bad. We could see (and smell) from the doorway she was no longer picking up trash. She had her two dogs (which we confiscated a year ago) go to the bathroom inside her home and would not clean it up.
Worse still, she developed incontinence issues (both types) and would either not wear the diapers we purchased or would wear them until they leaked. She would not wash her clothes. Would not shower. Her clothes would be stained with all manner of waste and she would not even change her clothing.
After the fire, I managed to obtain Power Of Attorney for her as I’m handling her insurance and home rebuild solely. She is unable to help—so she gave me the ability to manage that for her.
Now, while in hotel that insurance pays for, her lack of hygiene and squalor persists. She will chose to lay in her own waste rather than let me assist her. I don’t understand that.
I have no idea how to proceed. I’ve broached the subject of in-home aids, assisted living, etc., and she is adamant that she doesn’t need or want help.
My POA does enable me to make some decisions for her. But, it’s tricky…she is so stubborn about not wanting the help she clearly needs that whenever I suggest help she becomes angry, cruel, etc.
Yesterday, I went to her hotel room and cleaned as she won’t allow housekeeping to enter. Her bathroom was a diarrhea “crime scene” if you can imagine that and she had soiled her bed down to mattress. She was laying in the waste instead of using other side of bed.
“It’s not that bad,” she said. “It’s not that dirty!” Yet it took me (no exaggeration) 5 1/2 hours to remove the smell from her clothing.
TLDR: 1) she needs help 2) she refuses help 3) she lives in squalor and sees no problem with it 4) she is clearly mentally ill and refuses medical help 5) I have POA and no clue how to proceed. And a big btw—I’m disabled.
help!
Start day one with these
911 - 72 hour psych evaluation hold
Adult Protective Services
Anytime someone answers your call and claims they can't help you, turn it around and ask them to refer you to someone who can.
State Conservatorship (i.e., ward of the state)
Your local Congress Person
Local Mental Health Services
Call police non emergency number, don't clean up. Tell them she is a danger to her self, they need to respond. Describe in vivid terms the condition of her room. If they balk, tell them she's at the hotel because she caused a fire in her house. They sure don't want to risk a hotel fire! They then can be responsible for getting a mental health hold on her.
If that doesn't work for some reason, call Adult Protective Services. Tell them it's an emergency.
You cannot continue dealing with this. Stop trying. Advice to take her to her doctor is well meaning and maybe workable, but you need to care for yourself. Stop subjecting yourself to her tirades and the messes. Let it go.
The following you can skip, only read to determine why I say the above, if you want. I had a rental property. Neighbor says the older lady tenant hadn't picked up paper in 3 days. Manager called police who checked on her. She was lucid, said she didn't need help. They did say there were dirtied pants on bathroom floor. The woman had been a meticulous housekeeper. Later her daughter who lived 3,000 miles away called as Mom was not answering her phone. Police again responded, had to break a window to gain entry. She was found in her soiled bed. They called for ambulance which took her to hospital. She'd had a slight stroke prior to first visit, and more prior to 2nd visit. Agencies took charge after that.
The hotel bill is going to be $$$, when they sanitize and remodel the room. Also, if your Mom ends up in care, the money may be needed there.
They will not pay for damages done to the hotel though.
Contact her physician. Ask for guidance on how to handle this clearly not safe environment your mother is in. That way you are on record of 'trying'. If they are unable to assist, contact APS (making sure you have all the video recordings/photos as well) -
And yes, as someone said, when your mother moves out of the hospital, you will be totally liable and responsible to get the room back to where it was - huge cleaning bill because human waste is deemed hazardous, new carpet, new paint, probably retiling the bathroom, etc in addition to replacing all the furniture. Hopefully you have an extra $10,000 sitting around.
You have POA; your mother is no longer able or capable of taking care of herself nor is she capable of making decisions for herself about her care. It is time to find a memory care facility for her.
Is rebuilding your mother's house really the best option? From what you've told us here about her she is clearly incompetent and cannot live alone unassisted any longer. She will not accept a live-in caregiving services in her home, and no caregiver will move into a home that is filthy and squalorous. Or live with a client who will sit in their own sh*t and refuses to clean up.
Forget about your mother being "stubborn". You have the POA and are making her decisions.
She needs placement in a care facility. Look around and find her one. Use the money the insurance company is paying out from the fire to pay for it.
Your mother will likely put up a fight and not go willingly. The facility you choose can handle such a situation if they know it will be a hostile transfer. It's for her own good and safety.
I’m rebuilding her house because 1) it was paid off; 2) she paid home owner insurance faithfully on it for over 50 years; 3) she’s entitled to have her property fixed. *Whether she moves back in to it is a separate issue.
My mom was evaluated —again—by APS today and SHE AGREED TO SERVICES!
I’m relieved
You may run into trouble for a memory care facility to take her if she is unruly, so this is why you should seek professional help first for a diagnose and potential medications.
It's difficult when we have to take charge and place our parents in a facility, but she needs help now.
And I echo what's been said about the hotel. What in the world us wrong with them.
Also, in some cities the city council representative can be a tremendous help.
Describe the situation as you've done here.
May God bless you and your family. This is hard.