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Why would you even consider it. Chances are she won’t really know whether you went on Christmas and if she does she won’t remember.

You do not mention any of your siblings being involved in her care. Are they in the picture?

Also, when it comes to doing things like cleaning out houses, hire people and pay them from her estate. Any trust will be drawn with language that any monies needing to be spent for care of your mother or her property is legittimate. There is no reason to do those things yourself.

If you need to see a counselor to deal with your undeserved guilt, do so without delay. It sounds like your husband is a saint but even he will have limits.
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Eaglet333 Dec 2021
Thank you. I’ve had years of therapy. Now it’s just I’m tired of doing it all. I think I’ll leave the visiting to my brother. He knows how to deal with her demands. I’ll continue to take care of her medical and financial needs. One house sold so I don’t have to deal with that. The second house was cleared and now rented. Rent goes to her care.
I need a break!
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Seriously do not go and don’t feel guilty start looking after yourself for a change she probably wouldn’t even notice anyway I have a mother who really stresses me out and I just take a break and stay away from her for a while to recharge my batteries
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To tell you the truth being put in a Nursing Home is a horrible place to live.

I know from experience!

They are all understaffed and you do not get care.

When you go to view the homes, they all tell you what you want to hear but they're just trying to make a sell, as it is a business.

If you give them any trouble, they just tell you the patient needs to be medicated more and the patient ends up like a zombie.

The best place for a loved one is to hire help and let them live in their own home.

The next best thing is to live with family.

If you spent just a few days in the home she's in, you'd hate whoever put you there.
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Isthisrealyreal Dec 2021
What amazes me the most, is that you have actually been in every NH to know they are all understaffed and horrible.

You are ridiculous and God have mercy on your children, because you are obviously going to be a pickle to help. Considering you think you're the only one that matters.

Do you sleep better at night laying guilt trips on people that have had to make the hard decision to place a parent? Your words are intended to injure and that is evil.
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Don’t go. She won’t remember you weren’t there the next day anyway.
she was abusive and unpleasant to you, you have done everything you could for her. Send flowers and a card and enjoy your Christmas the way you want to.
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Eaglet333 Dec 2021
Thank you. I’m trying to not feel guilty. I’ll let my brother go.
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A lot of MCs endeavor to put people in a community for the daytime. The day they have Christmas activities is the Christmas she'll remember for however long she does.

I might go there with a small gift reminiscent of when she was 18 as those are the last memories that tend to go.

Or not, if you think she'll just remember to abuse you.
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I agree with Grandma1954. All days are just days to my mom. So I try to make each visit special, but I don't usually see her on holidays nor do I bring up the subject when I speak to her. I'll decorate just a bit for Christmas (like a wreath or poinsettia) and then eventually take it down. She barely notices. I'll leave open cards for her to read whenever she notices them -- and she cherishes them and will read them over and over.
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I am 72 and when seeing this post again what came to mind was
"One thing nice about getting older is that I don't need to do anything I don't want to. I have learned the word 'No'.
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If she is nearby just go for a short time. Bring a present and if she starts getting mean, angry, etc. just say "I have to go now." That's it. You don't have to stay all day, you don't have to answer all her questions or demands. You just skim in and out. Your guilt is assuaged and you don't need to stick around for her abuse (which she really has very little control of since she her brain is injured).
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Holidays are so fraught with expectations that it is a wonder we make it though.
If you do not want to visit don't. At least not on Christmas.
Go before, go after...if you wish to.
Send a gift. Send a card.
(I would also send the staff a tray of cookies or other treat that can be shared *store bought and delivered, not homemade*)

I realized something while caring for my Husband, and it became an eye opener for me.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and all the other holidays are/ were JUST days to him. To have a bunch of people over just confused him and the "holiday" had no meaning for him. It was just another day just like the one before it, the one before that and on and on. I spent many a "holiday" with just the 2 of us at home and for me the "holiday" was just another day. I did the exact same thing 365 days a year.

So visit your mom when you want to when you are less stressed.
By the way there is no "rule" that says you have to visit at all. You can manage her care without visiting her. You can see her without her seeing you if you so wish. Pop in when they are having a meal and watch from a distance so that you can see she is doing well. If they are going on an outing find out when and where they will be and you can "happen" to be in the same area.
You can be a good care manager, a good advocate without it effecting your emotional stability.
I have said on may occasions that when it is not safe to care for someone at home it is time to place them,. That safety is not just physical but mental, emotional safety as well.
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GrandmaC Dec 2021
This is spot on! Everyday is the same, with dementia they have no idea what day or holiday it is and do not remember when you last came. My Mom has none of the issues you experience, but it is painful to visit because she can not communicate, has no idea who I am etc. I go in, make sure her supplies are present, check her room, interact with the staff and leave. No longer even try to observe any of our favorite holiday activities, the lights are on but no one is home. The long goodbye is heartbreaking.
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Don’t go. Like someone else said send flowers and a card. It really isn’t worth the damage to your own health. You will have an awful time, she will be vile and you’ll wish you hadn’t bothered. It will never change. Don’t let guilt drive you after all you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about !
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bundleofjoy Dec 2021
"It will never change."

unfortunately, this is true.
indeed, usually the abuse gets worse.

there might be some niceness sprinkled in between, otherwise the adult child totally disappears. but after some niceness, the abuse comes back.

dear eaglet,

--protect yourself
--make yourself unavailable

i personally, prefer to avoid "no contact"
i think reducing contact is good.

i hope your mother can be ok.
i wish her well!! and i wish you well too!!
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#1 your health. If that is in danger to visit - don't visit.

#2 the guilt of not visiting.

Which is worse?

Find some sort of compromise?

Visit after Christmas when your stress levels many have reduced somewhat? Or even visit early to get it done?

Or you could not go at all. Make a telephone call. Send flowers & a card instead.

I think if all I got was abusive talk, I would send a bunch of flowers instead. Is she the type to value gifts? Show them off? "See how much my daughter's loves me" kind of thing?
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bundleofjoy Dec 2021
good ideas :)
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dear eaglet,

hugs!

you wrote:
“After falling, cooking at night, hallucinating and constantly calling me to come over, calling 911, even her doctors, and day caregiver suggested she be moved to Dementia Care for her safety and health.”

i totally understand.

as i said, sometimes a facility is simply necessary. end of story.

and in your mother’s case, it was necessary. end of story.

hugs.
it’s too bad she’s very mean towards you. and of course, it’s stressful/damaging towards you.

(by the way, when i say many people prefer “10 days” at home, i do understand that normally people don’t die in 10 days).
in any case, your mother had to go to a facility. no choice.

similarly in our family, we’ll try to avoid facilities, but as my LOs themselves said, if necessary they’ll go. we’re all aware that sometimes a facility is necessary.

and sometimes, a facility is the best/happiest choice; the LOs are happier there too. even thriving there.

i hope you find a good solution for xmas.
—protect yourself
—make yourself unavailable

abuse is damaging. and with every mean comment from your mother, it takes days to recover.

bundle of joy
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bundleofjoy Dec 2021
by the way:

1 friend i know, in the same area where i live, had a sweet mother. but parkinson’s made the mother very mean and aggressive. (not violent, just very mean verbally).

my friend had 8 siblings. very unusually (since it’s common to dump all problems on 1 adult child), all 9 adult children helped the mother; helped arrange in-home care.
(the adult children didn’t live with the mother).

in their case, the mother wasn’t a danger (in the sense of cooking, stove, etc).

somehow the in-home caregivers were able to handle the situation, until years later she died at home.

every situation is different.

sometimes a facility is best.
sometimes not.

and only the people themselves affected know all the facts, what’s best.

my LOs wish to die at home; but my LOs said, it’s not necessary. if they must go to a facility they’ll go, they said. they know very well there are situations where a facility is necessary and the better option.
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I don't think they accept you into a memory care facility unless you actually belong there.

You do not need to go see her on Christmas. Come up with your story and tell it if you need to, if she asks which is kind of unlikely given her situation. Your story could be that you think you might have covid and have to quarantine. OR that you have a horrible stomach bug. Or something else. You're sick and can't go, case closed.

Merry Christmas!
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I have diabetes. Every time I visit Mom, my sugar level drops like a rock. Apparently this is stress because that doesn’t happen very often otherwise. I have reduced the times I visit to about once every 2 weeks. I would suggest that you need to take care of yourself first. You hold down tremendous responsibility for your mother, and if you aren’t able, who will do all those things? Take care of yourself.
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Video Chat or call
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What most people don't understand about having a parent in Memory Care is that first off, it's a necessity for them to be in there TO BEGIN with. These nasty mothers or fathers become a whole lot nastier once dementia sets in and to keep them home is dangerous & impossible, b/c hired caregivers tend to QUIT by the droves. And it's not SAFE for them to be in a home environment ANYWAY! Not that an explanation of 'why' should be required in the first place.

Secondly, what most people don't understand is that we 'children' of elders with dementia are managing their entire LIVES while they live in the Memory Care, just as this OP is doing. Sometimes getting very depressed and burned out in the process. Trying to figure out how to pay the enormous bills that come with MC, how to juggle checkbooks and finances, etc., and how to make X amount of dollars last until the parent dies when they'll probably live to be 100. And then what? Then we have to jump through more fiery hoops to get them approved for Medicaid and placed into another facility with a roommate where the complaining will be ramped up even FURTHER than it was while they were living with the 'crazy morons' in Memory Care. It's no joke folks, what we do, no joke at ALL. The depression and hopelessness we 'children' feel sometimes is overwhelming. Their lack of gratitude and/or civility towards us for ALL that we DO for them is unbelievable. There's no understanding on their part of all that's involved for US, nada.

Then comes The Visits. The visits that are pure torture most times. The complaining, the carrying on, the senseless questions and repetitive statements that we have to figure out how to distract them from, all of it is hard on us. Yes, it's hard for them too, but nobody looks at what WE go through! The stomach aches that precede each visit are very real. Chewing Tums becomes the new norm. Trying to come up with fiblets and stories to ward off the inevitable questions about the dead relatives and where they are & why they're not visiting is very, very stressful. Then there are OUR health issues b/c we are retirees most of us! Our life issues that have to be put to the side while we straighten out THEIR chronic problems Every. Single. Day. Phone calls that never stop, from doctors, and the Memory Care itself, about the falls and the medication changes, and the UTIs and asking us if we want the parent taken to the hospital for low pulse rates and on and on and ON.

For the OP to say 'this is just a small part of what I'm going through' is a gross understatement. She also has houses to deal with and hoards to clean out all while her mother is ranting about bank statements and stocks. And the thought of bringing statements by for her to look at is LUDICROUS! Just another torture device for the mother to use against her b/c there would be NO comprehension of what she was looking at! Next thing you know, the daughter will be STEALING her money!

To the OP. God bless you and keep you, my friend. My heart goes out to you for all you're doing and all your pain & suffering. Call your mother for Christmas and wish her a Merry Christmas. Then do whatever it is YOU want to do for that day, w/o worrying about Depends or finances or medications or hoards or houses or delusions or ANY of the 24/7 crap you've been dealing with for far too long now. Take the day to YOURSELF and don't let the guilt set in for one second. Have a stress free day for ONCE in your life. You deserve to.

Thank YOU for letting ME vent.
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Daughterof1930 Dec 2021
Well said 👏👏👏
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I had major surgery at the end of October. November was completely lost in complications and re-hospitalizations.

I feel like I am just now coming out of the fog.

I have to have further treatments over the next few weeks.

I don't know if I can possibly add a visit to see my mother at Christmas, with the mental and physical load that I'm under.

Maybe it's the same for you. Maybe it's just too much. If we go under, we won't be visiting them anyway....so why not just have some kindness for ourselves right now?

Just thinking out loud, and to say that I understand what you're facing.
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dear eaglet,

hugs!! :)

i have a question.

but of course, only you know all the facts and there must have been many reasons for the decision you made (to put your mother in a facility).

in addition, of course you don’t have to answer. it’s your privacy.

what i wonder is, why your mother couldn’t stay home, and pay for in-home care? maybe even now it would still be possible?

————i do understand that sometimes a facility is simply necessary. end of story.

——
the reason i ask, is because your mother owns several homes. she has money. maybe she would be happier at home with live-in caregivers?

1 home was sold. 1 home rented. how about she lives the rest of her life at home? many people prefer 10 great days at home, than 10 miserable years in a facility. (i’m not saying everyone in a facility is miserable).

your mother is unhappy.
but she has money.

i understand you first organized in-home care. then later, facility.

——
you absolutely don’t need to answer. it’s your private life. and you must have had many good reasons why it was necessary.


hugs!!
many of us have difficult situations.

:)
i wish you well!! and your mother too!!

bundle of joy :)
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PeggySue2020 Dec 2021
Bundleofjoy,

MCs are locked units. Within them, they are all set up to minimize elders' access to stoves and dangerous things. It is possible that she sees the daughter at home, and the daughter has just noped out. No, they won't just pass "peacefully" in 10 days' time.

I agree with others, she should stay where she is. There is nothing wrong with not visiting on Christmas Day.
'
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I don't visit my *axis of evil* on holidays. She ruined enough of them for me. Her dementia is advanced and she doesn't know I was there 5 minutes after I have left anyway.
Do not go! Start taking care of you. You have lost enough because of her 💜
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Eaglet333 Dec 2021
Thank you for your encouraging words! Yes, I need to start caring for myself!
Hugs to you too!
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Spend time with positive people who bring good things to your life. Care for mom at a safe for you distance. Enjoy the holidays minus the expectations and guilt
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Eaglet333 Dec 2021
Bless you!
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Just don't go is the answer I would go with. The facility will have some holiday events for residents. You do what makes you happy.
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I would suggest that the New Year be dedicated to your getting help for yourself. You are way ahead of the game. You know Mom. You know your long relationship and have insight. All you need now is a guide (good psychologist or licensed social worker trained in transitions in life) to help you comb through ways to become more healthy and more free. We should not have to wait for death to free us from the shackles formed early in our lives.
If you are POA you should already be supplying to your Mom monthly statements of her funds into and out of her accounts, assets versus costs. You have to keep these records anyway; I always gave my brother a copy to keep in his own file notebook; it was a great comfort to him. Give your Mom a binder and the statements; tell her you will send to her monthly and "Merry Christmas".
If you are in the same town make a short visit, then return home. If you need an excuse make one. 12 people showing for dinner. Turkey in oven and no one to watch it. Have to attend Beau's concert at church. Be creative. Just do it. Will she be happy????? NO she will NOT. Was she ever? And is that your fault??? And can you fix it.
Begin to be good to yourself. What you should have got from loving parents you will have to give to yourself. I wish you as good a holiday as you can get. Thoughts out to you.
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Isthisrealyreal Dec 2021
I would not recommend giving her copies to keep, she's in memory care. That could be a nightmare.

Maybe a simple spreadsheet could be shown quarterly.

As far as Christmas, ask the facility if they do something for the residents and when they do it. Usually it is the week before. So you could have the spreadsheet and bring a gift or treat, spend an hour or less participating in the facility activities and head out if/when she gets wound up. Or you could say you are boycotting Christmas thus year and do whatever you want.
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