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LilacGirl, thanks for replying below. Very unfortunate about the PCP not taking your concerns seriously. That seems to happen a lot. Are you able to get her a neurologist? There's probably a wait so best to make an appointment soon. Would the PCP, if contact him privately, advise her to see one based on the "below normal" score? Or maybe she would go to try to prove you and your brother wrong.

I'm sorry about your dad. It must feel like such a cascade on you right now, especially while you're grieving too. Thank goodness you have the POA, at least.
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If she is really a danger on the road then it's time to get creative and preemptive with the whole driving thing.

Find neighbors, friends, other family and even church/synagogue members to call her up and say they are running errands on such-and-such day and does she need anything? Would she like to come? If you can get this to happen regularly (at least for the short term) then she at least knows she can have some freedom to look forward to.

I did this with my Aunts (both elderly, living together, one was the drive, the other the copilot). My Aunt the driver had advancing dementia so I had to report her to the state's DMV and her license didn't get renewed. This was very upsetting to 2 people. But I covertly arranged for rides and also gave the drivers a GC to my Aunt's favorite places to eat and asked the drivers to please also take them out to lunch. It took *most* of the sting out of their loss of spontaneous freedom.

My own Mother was another story. She was already fighting me on not driving so I got her primary doc to talk to her and also arrange for a Virtual Driving Assessment through the OT dept. She failed both the executive function test and physical reaction test and the OT broke the news to her and the Dept of Public Safety cancelled her license. She was still mad at me but couldn't deny her own test results. She got over it.

Then there was my uncle (Mom's brother) who, in his early 90s was driving home from his office (he was retired from his 60-truck plumbing business) along with his wife. His kids should have stopped his driving. One day he went through a red light and was t-boned on his wife's side. She (and the dog in her lap) died instantly (she was a 2-time cancer survivor) and the people in the other car had some injuries and car totalled. I'm sure his kids (my cousins) would say if they had to do it over they'd endure my uncle's anger rather than causing all that grief.

I hope this gives you the courage to continue keeping an unfit driver off the road.
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LilacGirl Mar 11, 2026
Yes, that last scenario is exactly why I am so firm about it! I do have some good news. I reached out to her PCP today and he is sending her a letter to stop driving and also reporting her to the DMV! I’m dreading the day she gets the letter. I’m sure she will blame me and maybe disown me. But I know it had to be done.
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Ugh that really stinks Lilac girl. Your mom will definitely melt down when the diagnosis DOES come through, that's for sure. You're in a very tough spot. Tell her you used the wrong word......you didn't mean to say dementia...you meant to say mild cognitive impairment. See how that goes. My mother was the same way. She lived in Memory Care Assisted Living but God forbid anyone use the word dementia. She was always prone to histrionics though. Take her back in 3 months and see if she does poorly on the MMSE.
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Animallovers Mar 15, 2026
My mother is upset by any reference to dementia as well, but she also doesn’t like hearing that she has cognitive problems either. I just refer to it as memory problems and point out that she is in memory care because of it. She does admit to having memory problems!
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LilacGirl, you did not do anything wrong. You are keeping your mother safe. You kept her safe by not saying go ahead and drive, even under such extreme pressure. (You are also keep others out on the road safe as well.) Give yourself credit.

You've written before that you and your brother have put off getting her a formal diagnosis because it would upset her. Well, she is this upset now without the diagnosis, so there's no point in putting it off any longer, difficult as that will be.

Does she generally have a lot of anger? Is her anger escalating? This can happen as dementia increases. Her doctor(s) can prescribe medications to calm her. This not only benefits you, it benefits her because going through life with anger and frustration is not a pleasant way to live.

Do either you or your brother have your mother's POA? If so, you'll need the diagnosis to start taking care of her various matters, if she's uncooperative. Also, it should help bring your brother around to taking her car and keys away.

I'm sorry this is so rough. Please take care of yourself, and keep us posted on how things go.
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LilacGirl Mar 11, 2026
Yes we both have durable POA and we have been taking care of her finances, etc. ever since my dad died in December. I do believe a lot of her anger is based in grief and I know she is just super upset about losing all her independence, feeling like she is imprisoned in her own home, feeling prideful about asking people for rides or help--no wonder she is angry. My dad hasn't been gone that long, which is one reason we have been trying not to push too hard when it comes to moving her into AL. I have a space reserved for her now though and we just have to figure out how to get her there. (Meanwhile, see my reply to the previous answer -- we tried to get a diagnosis from her PCP 2 weeks ago, it was basically useless. But I did just reach out to that doctor to see if he can send a letter advising against driving based on her MMSE results. Will see what he does.
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Your mother has dementia and should not be driving at all or living alone. Get her to a doctor for a cognitive evaluation and a score. Then she can be told she can no longer drive and that's that. If she does not accept her diagnosis she's suffering from anosognosia, the inability to recognize or acknowledge her deficits. That's not your fault either. You didn't make her old or cause these conditions. Her non acceptance of her condition does not invalidate it, either, or make it not real. An eye doctor saying she can "now drive" due to an eye issue being remedied does not mean she's capable of driving. It's time for a Come To Jesus meeting between you, your mother and your brother to talk about what comes next. That mother can no longer live alone, drive or do as she pleases. She needs help with everyday living now.

Its best to come to terms with the facts w/o making yourself sick. None of this is your fault and it's not your job to keep mother happy and to enable her every desire. Safety is paramount now. Please do get her a diagnosis so you can all come to terms with moms compromised mental state.

Best of luck to you.
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LilacGirl Mar 11, 2026
This is part of the problem. We took her to her doctor two weeks ago, thinking it was going to be a real turning point because we called him ahead of time and told him everything we were seeing. He gave her the MMSE screening test and she scored 24/30 -- just below normal. His diagnosis was "memory loss" and he just basically told her to come back in 3 months. Useless. :(

I really feel bad for telling her she has dementia in the heat of the moment. I mean, she knows she has "memory loss," but the word Dementia really upset her. She told me she would never forgive me for saying that.
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