I recently lost my mother. I am conflicted by my feelings of relief and anger. How have others coped?
For the past 8 years I have been the sole family member caregiver to my mother. I was the POA and executor of her estate and healthcare POA. My brother and sister did nothing. I have been grieving the loss of my mother during this time while also enjoying a new aspect of her personality. She became less bossy and more funny. More appreciative. At least in the middle stages. The last couple of years I was on a constant death watch, even though it did not come for two years. I am so relieved to not have this constant 24/7, 365 day stress in my life and at the same time I am a bit lost with nothing to do. The people I saw every day, her caregivers at the facility she was in, the other family members who gathered at the lunch table to feed their care receivers. The meetings with management and nurses to go over my mother's progress, or lack thereof. These were all daily routines. Reasons to get out of bed. A sort of self motivating and self congratulatory way of life. I did not ask for it, and I am ambivalent about whether I would have given it to someone else, but it leaves me with a sense of loss I have never experienced before. Yes, I have lost or quit jobs, but I always knew I would have to get another one. But now at 60, having not worked for 8 years and having received a bit of an inheritance, I find myself alone (not married and no kids, no religious affiliation and in a town I don't want to be in) and not wanting to burden those around me with my grief, or feelings of guilt to want my mother gone. I think I will seek out the hospice counseling that has been offered. It has taken me a while to get to this place of need of counseling because so many feelings are starting to arise. I was just wondering how others have coped.
All the feelings at the same time. I found a number of ways to process all the feelings.
- When I was cleaning out the house and it all got to be too much, I would drop what I was doing and go outside and walk. I had to move to process all the feelings, and to get away from the intensity for a bit, to find my strength again.
-And I would “talk” to her in my head. It helped me to vent what I was going through. Pushing the feelings away doesn’t help me. I have to feel it to get through it.
-Painting also helps me. Just pick a color and paint whatever you feel like.
There was a huge void that I had to be with for a while before I moved forward to fill it.
It’s a difficult journey.... and a rich one.
Right after mom died, I had lots to do - clean out her apt, close out her estate, etc. Now, seven months later, I'm still figuring out what to do next. I had a non-profit job that ended in August. So now I'm doing a LOT of just watching TV, sitting, working crossword puzzles, and not much of anything. I'm doing some exercise. I'm doing some volunteering, driving seniors to doctors' appointments. I want to do more, but I'm drawn to doing nothing right now. I think it's those years and years of doing so much that now I just want to do nothing. And it's winter and cold and I feel like I'm hibernating. And that's OK. When I'm ready, I'll do more. I don't regret the time I spent taking care of my folks, I couldn't have done anything else.
I agree that if you need it, counseling is very good. So is volunteering. Just take your time and trust that you'll come back to your center and figure out what you're meant to do. Sixty is YOUNG these days! You can work or volunteer or start a new business (I'm contemplating that), or travel, or start a MeetUp group for something you love to do...the world is your oyster. You just have to believe that!
Depending upon your financial situation, you now have some freedom to travel. Are there any things you would have wanted to do during those 8 years of caring that you had to postpone? Others have suggested various opportunities for volunteering, etc., which are all fine, but are you a person who would rather start a business, found a new organization, write a book, build something, or engage in another activity that will use your specific interests, talents, knowledge and skills more intensely? Would caregiving/charitable activities appeal to you or would you prefer to put this completely behind you to pursue something completely unrelated? I recall reading where someone on this site said or quoted "it is never too late to change the trajectory of one's life". People sometimes joke that there isn't a tag on one's toe with a certain occupation printed on it, but if you just happen to find a tag there you now have the freedom and opportunity to write on it whatever you want.
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