My mom is 74 years old and has congestive heart failure and COPD. She is also in remission from lung cancer and is on pain medication for herniated discs in her back. She constantly battles edema in her legs and belly and has been in the hospital 8 times last year and 3 times so far this year for respitory failure. The fluid fills her lungs and they have to put her on IV's to help diurese her.
I have been her caregiver for the last 6 years and became her paid caregiver last December. She lives with me in my home with my 2 adult sons. We all have income coming in and don't struggle financially (currently). I'm the person who stays home and cleans and cooks and does the laundry for the family as well as the caregiving responsibilities for my mom. Meds, drs appointments, scheduling home health, bathing, shopping etc.
The problem is that she is very manipulative. She is of sound mind and actually has a masters degree in Social Work. She refuses to get out of her recliner and walk or restrict her fluid intake or put her legs up so help keep the fluid out of her legs. It gradually gets worse until she is so bloated she can't breathe and she crashes. I call the ambulance and they always admit her for at least a week.
Last January my eldest son told me that he was taking me to Las Vegas in June. He purchased my plane ticket and set up all of our accommodations. My mom was released from the hospital at the end of April and I told her she needed to do everything possible to stay healthy because I'm leaving for a week. I suggested putting her in a respite home for the week and she refused. My sister offered to let my mom stay with her and my mom declined saying she doesn't need a babysitter. She is totally expecting my other son to take care of her while I'm gone. Hes ok doing this as long as she is stable. The problem is I feel like she has done everything she could to not be ok. Shes been eating a lot of salty food, drinking more fluids then she should be and not walking at all. Her legs are now huge and swollen and they are on the verge of developing cellulitis. I feel like the moment I leave, she's going to have respitory failure and she knows she hasn't done anything to prevent this. I feel angry because I've told her I'm getting burned out and I need a few days for myself. She just makes statements about how much money I'm going to waste going on a vacation. I need advice. Do I still go? Or should I cancel my vacation? My sister said she will check on my mom while I'm gone.
I would give her the option, go stay with sister or respite care while you are gone with your son. If she ends up in the hospital sister and the son at home will be the ones overseeing that and while they will keep you up dated you will see her when you get back. You don't have to be "on site" to help oversee things and both this time away and this time with your son are simply too important. You might even take the tact that it would mean so much to you if she could help make this trip special for your dear son who wants to take it with you and try to keep herself in the best shape possible. But if she doesn't that's her choice and she lives with the consequences of having a hospital stay without you. Give her some ownership in things with choices just not her first choice perhaps. Ask you sister to "take over" all the over site if mom chooses respite facility, your house is not an option while you are away unless mom wants to hire 24/7 caregivers, meaning you only get contacted if absolutely necessary, you will check in with sis when you want to know how things are going but really she is protecting you from all that worry and responsibility, she is perfectly capable with your son who lives with mom of taking care of things and knowing when they absolutely have to contact you.
Then you GO have a great time with your wonderful son.
One fantastic thing non-casino thing to do in Las Vegas is to take a nighttime tour of lit-up fabulous old neon signs in the outdoor “boneyard” of the Neon Museum. We took a taxi from our strip hotel to the museum, had a jolly good time with other tourists from around the world, and phoned for a taxi at tour’s end. Even easier if you have a rental car. Another memorable thing to do is head 19 miles northwest of the strip to Red Rock Canyon national conservation area. It boasts a thirteen mile loop drive of spectacular, Grand Canyon like scenery. You can get out and hike a bit at various lookouts, or stay in your car and just marvel at everything. Then head back to Glitter Gulch for more sophisticated fun.
Enjoy yourself on this well-earned vacation, and make sure your son knows you’re enjoying yourself.
So if your son can take care of her..until she has to go to the hospital..let her stay at home. If he can not care for her..until she is admitted..she should be in respite.
Since you know the inevitable call will come ask your son, if he will be with her not to call you, if she is in respite ask them not to call you to call your son that is at home. He can call you and keep you updated.
Do not let her win this one.
Continue with your plans, have a great time
Make sure you see one of the Cirque du Soliel shows!
Your mother is acting like a child trying to manipulate you through guilt. That is what children ages 3-6 years do. They do things to assert control over their world. Your mother is eating salty foods to assert control over her world and she has made you her world and you have enabled it. For example, you let her come home instead of going to rehab. Did she buy all those salty snacks or are those your snacks and she's just helping herself to your snacks?
Like for a child, you are going to have to set limits on the things your mother does and eats. She is living in your house. She is relying on your sons. She is loved. Loving her does not mean letting her do whatever the heck she wants, PhD in social work or not.
Your mother sounds like a difficult woman. Make arrangements with your sister to stay at your house or have your mother stay with your sister while you're in Las Vegas. Your other son probably needs a break, and I think it would be unfair to expect the young man to take over for you.
Things you probably know, but I am going to remind you because of everything you have on your plate:
Be sure and drink gatorade or powerade everyday if you are outside a lot. Dry heat, you sweat but never notice because it dries instantly.
If you drink alcohol make sure and drink a glass of water for every drink, this will keep you from having a beast hangover.
Take a hat and light long sleeves, the sun can be brutally hot so being covered is actually cooler. Plus casinos want comfortable customers so it is typically cold.
Take comfy, established shoes, even if you don't plan to walk, you walk a lot in Vegas and new shoes look cute but kill your feet.
Oh yea, the higher the denomination the better the odds of winning, penny machines are easier to spend a hundred in than quarters or half dollars. I'm to cheap to play dollars unless I have won a bunch of money.
If you enjoy table games, the locals places will have lower minimums, no 1 or 2 or even 5 dollar tables in most big resorts, just fyi.
You are going to have soooooo much fun and you have so many people rooting for you, it's bound to be the best vaca ever.
Have a great getaway and be safe!
GO! Do not allow yourself a moment's waste of time thinking about her. This time is for you and for your awesome son.
And decide in advance how much money you can afford to lose at the craps table!
Folks who can't responsibly care for themselves don't get to call the shots any more than your toddlers did.
Your loving son, and please give him a hug and a medal and a halo and a pat on the back, has organised this trip to save you. Do not throw it back in his face.
I am deliberately not commenting on your mother's intentions, behaviour, attitude or condition because the WHOLE POINT of this exercise is that for those precious days she is SOMEONE ELSE'S problem and not yours. WHATEVER happens, there are other people on the planet and she will be looked after. Close your mind to everything about her for that defined time.
Other son, plus organising son, plus sister, plus healthcare team, plus emergency services, plus God Almighty if need be, between them can do your job.
GO. Don't you dare not go. Go.
Okay I will comment. Your mother is having a grump, combined with feeling anxious about having to do without her primary life support system/comfort blanket for a few days. If you relax, probably so will she - but she'll still be grumpy. Let her.
At 74 your mother is an adult and responsible for her own bad choices. Don’t let her guilt you.
Not to sound impersonal but if need be have your son call 911 if your mother gets short of breath or otherwise. And then, yes, everyone gets a vacation and your mother receives care.
I agree. I don't know how you will be, but think it is definately worth going!
I think the thing is to be (or show) a front of confidence. Don't let Mum get even a whiff of your worry. Less "I hope you will be ok while I'm gone?".
More like "Guess what? I'm off to Vegas with your GSon1 for a week... and I'll bring you back a lovely souvenir! You will have a nice week with GSon2 & your D will pop in for a visit or two. See ya!!"
Be ready for the guilt trip statements: "Oh I wish you wouldn't go/I need you/you shouldn't go" etc. Answer with a shrug "Oh, you will be fine".
The choice of whether YOU go on holiday or not is up to YOU, not Mum. This time, your Mum is lucky enough that SHE can choose where SHE will be while you are away: 1. at home 2. her daughter's or 3. respite care.
To be realistic, the future may differ. If her health needs are more than GSon/Daughter can take on, options will be reduced to only one: respite care.
(Choices given to my Mum were respite A or respite B. I said to my Mum, some things we can choose, and some things we can't. That's just how it is).
Then enjoy your holiday :)
With the deliberate actions she takes of trying to ruin her health... she can’t be trusted to take care of herself. Let her know that since she is so self destructive, it’s best she be in a facility.
She will not like the suggestion, but it will go one or two ways: One, she will straighten up and quit the antics; or Two, she will go into pity mode and act as if you want to get rid of her. Remind her that this is all up to HER! Either follow doctors orders and do her part to take care of herself, or have a facility do it for her.
When she asks why you just won’t do it all as you’ve been— remind her that you are no longer able to help her if she doesn’t care for herself, and it is just too sad and painful for you to watch her do this. Or you love her too much to let her decline, and you want her to have the best care at all times, aka nurses and staff.
Last part might sound a bit dramatic, but puts the blame on her, which is where it belongs. She may play the “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” card but she knows darn well what she is doing. She now has to choose to stop playing games and stay, or keep playing them elsewhere.
Due to obligations I felt I had towards my mother. Rick Steve's and I on PBS are pretty tight. That's ok. I shoulda gone though earlier.
Go. Enjoy yourself.
Go! Actually her ending up in the hospital would work out great, everybody gets a vacation.
She doesn't get to own your entire life unless you let her. She can pout, she can self harm, her bad choices do not obligate you to be a prisoner in your own home.
Go! Have a great time. I grew up in Vegas and I have to tell you, if you are going to gamble go to the places locals go to gamble. The games are looser and you are more likely to win. Hope you hit a giant jackpot.
Leave instructions with your son that is she crashes, he calls 911 and has her transported to the hospital. You should consider having her admitted to rehab after she's released and consider whether she requires a different kind of caregiving than can be provided by a kind adult daughter.
I suspect your son knows how to dial 911 and can call your sister if needed. I hope he knows he is NOT to call you.
You pack your bags and kiss your mama good bye and wish her luck. Pull out a quarter and tell her you will play it for her.
She’s lived her life. All the trips to the ER will be pretty much the same drill until she has gone just a little too far in her self neglect. She wants to run her own life come what may. The best thing you can do is get out of the way so she can see she is hurting no one but herself.
You must stop trying to control her. She is rebelling against you. You both need a break.
Hugs
In the meantime, I would remove every salty foods from the house before you depart on your vacation, so she has no access to them and request that no bad things enter the home. I would also highly recommend that your sister look after while you are gone, do that for your own peace of mind, whether she likes it or not, so you can relax and enjoy yourself, just tell her that it is not up to her, this is your much needed and deserved vacation!!! You are giving her way too much control of your life!
Go and have Fun!
Ask your sister to not call you if there is a crisis. You deserve an uninterrupted vacation.
Since my Mom and I had not had a vacation for 5+ years, we stayed at a motel that had a Mountain Cabin Retreat theme one weekend. The building and rooms looked like they were made from logs. There was a bear standing on its hind legs by the lobby's front door. We felt like we were in a cabin in the Rocky Mountains similar to those that we stayed in while I was growing up. We had a GREAT TIME! (And we didn't have to drive far from home. It was a vacation to remember.)
What are some of your favorite vacation memories? Can you find a motel/hotel/spa close to home that you spend the weekend at? Take baby steps and take "baby-size" vacations that allow you to run back to your Mom within a few hours if need be.
Good Luck!
Mom will be fine in the hospital without poster ruining her much deserved break to run back because mom has self harmed, again.
Besides the trip is planned and paid for.
I remember one time taking a weekend off where my sig-other and I went away to this wonderful resort that we had been to many times before back when my parents would come along. The place was great, no phones or TV's in the rooms.... no cell service.... family style dining [all food organic]... and a lot of hiking trails.
Could I relax? NO !!! My parents [in their 90's and still lived in their house by themselves] insisted they would be alright. But I still was so worried. I would call their house 3 times a day to check on them. And every time sig and I came back from a hike, I was worried a note would be pin to our hotel door to call home.
That mini-vacation didn't help me at all. I just came back to the same routine, still overwhelmed and so tired.
You have positive reinforcements with your son and with your sister. Oh, your Mom may grumble. I think some of it is the adult/child dynamics where Mom thinks she knows best, and we are the kids and what do we know :P
Seize the moment !!