I want to make sure I'm doing *NOTHING* wrong by mom. She is newly widowed and living with us.
Hi there. Definitely new to caregiving. I'm 40 and my mom is 68. She and dad were married 46 years when he suddenly and traumatically and unexpectedly passed. That was in April of this year.
From April 25th to July 4th (with a weeklong respite flying home to Nevada so I didn't k**l anyone-sarcasm) I was mostly taking care of mom and funeral and death and cremation stuff alone. My sister (who's awesome, but also lives in KS) has been a huge help, doing as much as she can- but has jobs plural between her and her husband, 3 school-aged kids, and they live in the middle of nowhere, so it made "sense" that mom would move in with my husband and I- we already have cats (BIL is allergic) so her 2 being added was awesome, I live in a large city with convenient medical services, i have a vehicle she can pretty easily enter and exit- and I’m not working, myself.
The hard part is that me and my sister are pretty sure that mom is and has always been emotionally abusive/negligent and I’m neurospicy and mentally ill. I’m ON SSDI for my mental, which is WHY I’m not working-- but since I have time, space, access, and love in my heart, this seemed like a good idea.
It is now 4 months since dad passed, I FINALLY have a therapist again after 2 years of not, and I’m trying to process my grief, as well as years of trauma and how to be here and supportive for mom as best as possible.
I’m coming apart at the seams.
Luckily I have an amazingly supportive husband who has reassured me that if taking care of mom continues to negatively affect my mental health he will further step in. also, my sister has let me know that they can take over for us with enough notice.
I just don't want to give up and I don't want to lose my (up till this point) wonderful relationship with my mom.
Right now, I’ve been up all night trying to clean and organize and quietly do anything so i don't have to face her ungrateful-seeming and tone deaf statements.
I KNOW she lost her husband. We are ALL giving her all the space to grieve and everything she needs, but she keeps waving off grief support anything and just wants me to do ALL the phone calls and ALL the planning, and I just can't do this all myself anymore.
Thanks for letting me vent. Feel free to yeah idk.
Why are you taking care of her if she was emotionally abusive and negligent?
This is going to get much worse for you. Time to cast off the savior/martyr cloak you've donned...
When a parent has had a strong impact on your mental health - ESPECIALLY if you are neurospicy - you have to be VERY careful in a caregiving situation. You mention that your mother has always been negligent/emotionally abusive. You layer on to that the fact that she is grieving - and I'm going to make some assumptions that your father may have been the control or touchstone that kept her in line (that's just an assumption, I could be wrong).
Only 4 months have elapsed and you are already walking on eggshells. I'm already on edge for you, I'm not going to lie. My youngest daughter is neurospicy herself - mildly autistic and ADHD-C. My DH - though not diagnosed - I strongly suspect has ADHD. His father is an abusive narcissist. When DH and his sister became "share"-givers after their mother passed away - SIL live-in with her DH, and DH and myself local - we didn't really understand what we were walking into. And it VERY quickly spiraled out of control.
As gently as I can put this - no one should ever become a caregiver for their abuser. And it doesn't matter if they ever laid a hand on them. Emotional abuse is still abuse. And it is the kind of abuse that doesn't end when you leave home or when you get big enough to protect yourself. Emotional and psychological abuse is something that a person can continue to do to their victim until the day they die. My FIL continues this even from his nursing home now. Daily.
I want to tell you something very important. Not caring for your mother in your home...that's NOT giving up. If you come to the conclusion that you can't for the sake of your mental health or your marriage or whatever reason continue to have her in your home. And your sister decides that it won't work for her to have her in her home and expose her to her children and continue the generational trauma and you decide together that she has to find another living arrangement.
That is NOT giving up. That is holding HER accountable for her own care. She is 68. My mom is 76 and is full time caregiver for MY GRANDMOTHER. 68 is only 8 years older than my SIL who was taking care of my FIL. Does she actually NEED caregiving? Or is she just in shock right now from the loss of your father and you felt like she needed help? There are a whole lot of other ways she can live that don't rely on your taking care of her.
Your mental health and your own life are just as important. And your time to grieve is also just as important. You can and should take a moment to really consider your other options. She is YOUNG. She could live with you for 30 more years. It's ok to put your own mental health at the forefront.
"Neurospicy" is the new nonsense catch-phrase of the day?
Everyone is "neurospicy" to a degree, only most of us have to keep our spicy in check because we have to earn our living and the world holds us responsible to do that.
In all honesty though, I have never heard of anything so ridiculous. Grown adults who can collect disability for being spicy in their thinking.
God help us all.
To me this is a very illogical decision that is doomed to fail.
If you want her near you, find her an apartment.
My mother is 98, your mother can easily live for another 20-25 years are you really ready for this? I think not.
My mom was widowed at 72. She grieved, and then continued to live her life (going to college, attending exercise classes, meeting friends).
Is mom disabled in some way?
This is not a good situation for your mother no matter how much love you may have in your heart.
Help her find a senior community she can move to. She's over 65 and can still live independently.
Mother is 68? After some family time to grieve, why hasn't she returned to her home to start the next chapter of her life?
OK, with further reading I see Mom's house is full of stairs. Plus she has this to deal with;
"mom- OA,RA, fibro, new knee, walking with a walker, pretty limited mobilty ftmp and a whole lotta pain, after physical therapy gets started she's looking at her next replacement- same side hip".
I can see you have swooped in to help. No shame in that!
But when the F.O.G lifts you may see clearer what to do next. Therapy, elder services, social services may have advice & resources.
In a nutshell: Mom needs to take on her responsibility.
Mom will need to to re-assess her life as a new widow. Look at where & how she will live. If her 2/3 story home is unsuitable, downsize into something more appropriate.
You can help her FIND her next home, you don't need to provide it.
But even more importantly than housing, your role is not to become her housegirl, her everything, her new partner. That way lies big trouble. An elder's life just absobs yours. (You will both be living the life of one low mobility 68 year old)
Imagine if you could help Mom stand on her own feet - encourage her to seek help for her ailments (including grief & depression) and thrive again!
It's ultimately not a good idea to permanently keep your mom living with you - doing this short term during these months was a great support for her and you should feel really good about yourself for all that you did. BUT, I think you need to re-frame this - and it would, in essence, be a disservice to your mom and to her own future growth and happiness to keep her living with you indefinitely. She's only 68 yrs old - and it'll be an adjustment for a while, but she needs to meet other people and live somewhere else - maybe a retirement community or assisted living - where there's social activities, meeting others, and medical support on the premises. If she continues as is, she'll be in a complete rut in a few years and it'll be harder to start a new chapter for herself.
So, look at this as you will be doing her a FAVOR by supporting her in next steps of her life. It should be presented as something that'll be positive. Plus, you've described your mother as being emotionally abusive and you need to protect your own well-being from that - YOU are important. Living with someone who is emotionally abusive is like eating poison.
In these next few months, please start looking into some nice options for your mom to consider. In your title statement, you said that "you want to make sure that you do NOTHING wrong by mom." Well, in my humble opinion, it would be WRONG to keep your mom living with you for the long run- so that said, the RIGHT thing would be to help her find her next new home.
Wishing you all the very best ~
"AND i'm saying no too, i spent all of my therapy session telling him i'm tired and petting one of my cats."
I'm not sure what you expected from the forum's posters. You complain about "coming apart at the seams" and you are tired, yet your initial question seemed to be making sure you are doing nothing "WRONG" by your mother.
If the suggestions given here aren't to your liking, I suggest you push your therapist to help you in more specific ways than listening to you say how tired you are while petting a cat.
What does the therapist say about your taking in an abuser? What does the therapist say about making sure you are doing nothing "WRONG" by your mother? Have you even asked?
While he was in rehab, our septic tank overflowed and I was responsible to repair the house from the sewage overflow that bubbled up through the toilets. I had no household help or outside care for him. I had no family help, either. And there was much more going on family-wise and work-wise - I was the only one there to handle it all.
So when I look at this post about an abusive 68-year-old woman who can't do this and can't do that and somebody thinks they have to do everything for her, I don't understand. WHY? I mean, God help us. WHY?? Unless she's flat on her back with some horrific disease and throwing up or comatose, expect her to get up and get out and get herself to appointments. And get a life. She could take up tap dancing. She could go kayaking. I know lots of people into their 90s who do these very things. Yes, you read that right.
Especially, OP, since you have your own health issues and need to take care of yourself first. Don't let her suck you dry.
Losing a husband doesn't have to be the end of life - it can be the beginning of a whole new wonderful awesome world.
But only if you stop being mommy's nanny.