I was a happy person...

Can you create an account to pay her bills online? most of my mother in laws bills are on auto pay I only have to pay the credit cards. This is so helpful as she forgets that she has to pay bills anymore. I did not need a docs diagnosis as she can seem perfectly normal on the short visit to the doc. Do not know how they pull that off when they forget everything else and can be nice one minute to me and the next minute be mean. My heart goes out to you but you really need to take a step back and get more help. It takes a village..

Good job bubble packing the meds....can you imagine the mixing of the meds if you did not do that? I know it is embarrassing when they yell at someone that is only there to help but that means she is not in her right mind.

I would say that you should first tell the doctor if to mind his own business second I’m in the United States so I don’t know the laws there but I went threw and still am I was a full time care giver for 3 parents but this last one is my dad and he was abusing his hole life if I had it to do over again I would have walked away yes people will judge you but don’t listen to them most of them have never actually taken care of any one full time especially some women that’s is abusive with the dementia it will get much worse if I were you I’d walk away but you have to do what’s right for you

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I don't have any answers just support. I miss my life before I started taking care of my parents and I'm depressed most times but this is my life now. By choice. I have learned about compassion fatigue and that has helped put what I feel in perspective. You do need time for yourself so I hope you find help and resources. You matter too!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this, and your mom sounds abusive. It's only going to get worse. Just wait until you have to change her diapers and manage her bowel movements.

If you absolutely have to get out of this situation, can't you hospitalize her? Or at least get her a psych evaluation and when it comes to discharge REFUSE to take her back? That would force the "system" to put her in a home. It is not mandatory for you to care for her. It really isn't.

My mom had 15 years of Alzheimer's disease and her care meant she 100% depended on me for her health and life. I was her life support. But at no time was she ever mean or abusive to me. My mom and I were very close--I never moved away from her; I never separated from her until she died. Mom was my entire life and universe. From the moment I woke up to the point of going to sleep, I had to care for her. So you really have to be close to cope with this level of care. When mom died I was left feeling destroyed because the center of my life died. It took quite a long time to get used to this level of change. After 1 and 1/2 years I'm still recovering from the loss of mom, but I'm employed now and trying to get my Master's degree. With insulin-dependent diabetes, she managed to live to age 90. Doctors told me I really took good care of her, especially to last that long with her multiple medical conditions and her brain was completely eaten up with Alzheimer's disease. Ironically Alzheimer's did not kill her. It was the complications of insulin-dependent diabetes and 10 years of Stage 3 kidney disease due to being a diabetic even with very well-controlled sugars.

So I cannot imagine caring for someone in your situation. You have to really want to be a caregiver to do it. If your mom is abusive--you seriously need to get out of it. You are NOT obligated to pay HER bills as long as your name is not on it.

Ironically, my mom was from Canada. She and her family came to the U.S. when she was 5. Like other posters have said, being in the U.S., I'm unfamiliar with laws in Canada, but, do you have an Area on Aging? Maybe they could offer some suggestions. Do you have an Alzheimer's Association there? We have it here. Their website is www.alz.org. It might even be international in scope, I'm not sure, but I'm sure you could access it, thanks to the web. Maybe they could steer you in the right direction. Can you choose another doc up there for another opinion? Can you hire an eldercare lawyer? Here, some legal groups will offer free or discounted services for seniors. I managed to find some humor regarding taking care of my mom. I even wrote a book about it called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." Best of luck.

I so feel for you.....Would it be possible to find another MD? Is there anyone who makes home visits? Are there any social service or Alzheimer's Assn support groups that might help? Sometimes in those groups, even if you are not a group person, people may know your system and how to proceed, where resources are. Sending prayers and hugs.

I do feel so badly for you. You are in such a difficult position, but I hope the suggestions that others have made can help you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel....just getting there is the problem.

Bevel2, you need to step away. I know it's easier said than done (your story was mine two years ago), but this is your life. If your mother is a narc you know she will never change and if she's like my mother, things will only get worse. From the advice here, I learned (though it's hard and I still have plenty of nightmares) to ignore the other people who tell me what I should do whilst they do nothing AND don't know what really goes on.

YOU know what you are doing and have done. I try to imagine what celebrities do when they see lies about themselves all over the place. We have to do whatever they do - ignore it as best we can. The hard part is we will lose family and friends who will believe her over us. So be it. You need to have people in your life that like you, love you, care about you, appreciate what you do and what you have done.

I'm still not at the happy stage yet two years later (housing situation gone so no place of my own to live now and I still have to deal with my mother on occasion), but it is a hell of a lot better than when I was in the same house as her and my immune system troubles are less. Yours could be too. We could predecease our mothers, you know. Tell yourself that you deserve your final time of life to be ok. (and yes, it's a daily reminder to myself which is why I come on here for support to remember - try it maybe)

And like the other advise here, maybe find an online support group. I found the narc mother ones and C-PTSD group is more helpful than Alzheimer's because many in Alzheimer's had loving parents which is hard to hear if you had abusive parents.

All I can add is that you should watch out for yourself and not let caregiving destroy your well-being, physical or mental. I am trying so hard, and then things happen...like my mother with dementia when no one is around is getting into the fridge and condiments. Last night after a couple days of my feeling under the weather, I went to get something and saw one of the bins i had a child safety lock on, was UNlocked. I protected my own set of condiments to know she hadn't sucked from the bottles, cross-contaminated...she was disgusting in that before dementia...Last fall although I believed I was a healthy person, apparently I had issues with blood pressure, and that and the stress all caught up with me...one day I just felt not well, and was weak, and ultimately called the rescue squad...and I wound up being rushed to the hospital and then transferred by helicopter to the main campus of the Cleveland Clinic for emergency surgery for a (usually fatal) dissection of the aorta. It not only nearly took my life, it put me into debt. Don't let it get that far for you. Mom's condition is changing for the worse, and dad is just ignorant and impossible. She is 98 and he will be 104 in a couple weeks or so. She has lost control of her bowels a couple times and I am the one left to scrub poop out of whatever. She is uncooperative even as far as changing out of soiled clothes etc. I connected with their MD who has been like talking to a brick; still waiting to hear back from the neurologist in hopes he will my contact/referral person. As for me, I've reached out for some mental health care and 2 of the guys I had seen prior for short periods rejected me, claiming they were cutting back on their hours, approaching their retirements, focusing on particular specialties etc. So add rejection and hurt to the pile of stressors. I am still recuperating, particularly from the emotional trauma of all I have been through and I don't have the energy to investigate every mental health provider; plus I have been in the field and know who has the good reputations and who doesn't. Most days go smoother than expected and my father is able to get food for them etc.

First of all take care of yourself.
Second I find with my husband, everyone can dish out advice but nobody is willing to help.
I would think POA gave you the right to use her funds for her bills.

You are just in the beginning stages of caregiving, when you are still clinging onto the idea that you have a life of your own. I KNOW it's upsetting and disappointing and exasperating, but when you finally give up the notion that you have a life of your own and give into the idea that you are a caregiver, you will feel somewhat less stressed. You will still be faced with a mountain of stress, however, the one less stress is trying to hold onto something that for the time being is gone.

If at all possible speak with an eldercare lawyer who can at least point you in the right direction. You will need to get a power of attorney, become her healthcare proxy, and thus be able to have some directives (things may be slightly different in Canada than in New York, but I'm willing to bet it's similar).

As for doling out her meds and feeding the cats. That's going to fall into your lap for now. It may be that you can begin with daily visits to at least feed the animals. You can sort through her meds at least weekly and check to see that she is taking them.

I am sorry this is happening. It's tough and it's going to get tougher, but you will get your life back eventually. It's just very difficult at the beginning to begin to sort out what is necessary.

1. If you can, get a new doctor, or a second opinion.
2. Continue to take walks and take care of yourself.
3. Join the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. It is a place where you can vent without judgment and receive help and support.
4. Follow the advice of everyone who posted here. They have some really good suggestions.

We are in exactly the same situation although I distance myself from my mothers finances as she has always gamed the system being a narcissist.

I also have an autoimmune disease, they said 80% of those with it have a history of childhood abuse/neglect. That’s common when you have a narcissist parent.

I find my mother can have a “spell” at exactly the right moment to get out of trouble or escape accountability.

There is a great video on YouTube called, The Dying Process of a Narcissist where a nurse goes into great detail about aging narcissist.

Also there are really good articles on this site explaining difficult parents, manipulation and guilting.

I find those are very informative and calming.

Above all don’t destroy yourself saving another. Especially those that are self destructive by nature.

I hope this helps and you find some peace, autoimmune issues are about feeling safe and secure in the world

Remember that your mother's doctor is your MOTHER's doctor. That doctor is only interested in your MOTHER's well-being and in what is best for HER. Your ability to cope is of no interest in his/her thoughts. I have experienced this many times over the years in caring for sick children and other situations where the doctors simply do not take into consideration that 24/7 care by a single person simply is not possible for more than one day and not even advisable for that. You need to teach yourself to care for yourself and to say NO!!! when a doctor or anyone else expects you to do what is beyond your abilities.

Clearly you are over-worked and over-stressed. Say NO to everything for a few days, then reconsider what you can realistically do for your mother without killing yourself in the process. I am unfamiliar with Canadian systems, but you can undoubtedly find a legal representative to represent YOU. If necessary, have yourself admitted to a mental health clinic for treatment of anxiety. I am guessing that your best tack might be to have an argument of your health needs vs. your mother's health needs.

You say you have immune diseases. Those most certainly DO matter to YOUR doctor. When you see your doctor do not try to maintain a calm, professional exterior as we were all trained in our younger years. Express your anxieties, talk about your sleep troubles and exhaustion. Do not play down anything. Do not say much about your mother, talk about your feelings and your physical deterioration. Try to get your doctor(s) to give you a prescription for rest and a respite from the care-giving that has deprived you of the essence of your being, your happiness.

Fellow Canadian here.

First you should not have started paying Mum's bills. Now you have a debt that she did not agree to repay and you may never get your money back.

So what do you do?

A few things;
Report her for animal neglect. I know you said she will not allow anyone in, but you are creating a record of her actions.

Although others have suggested changing doctors, I know how hard that can be. So you need to make the doctor your advocate. There are advantages to having the same doctor, the doctor has a relationship with both of you and knows you are the level headed one.

Contact your local support groups. https://www.ontarioshores.ca/patients___families/family_and_caregiver_resources/for_caregivers_of_people_with_dementia

https://alzheimer.ca/en/help-support

Get a therapist who works with people caring for family members with dementia.

Find out about the public trustee in Ontario.

Give the doctor a copy of the report from the home assessment. Ask him why he is unwilling to act. Ask him what he would do if it was his mother acting this way. Tell him if he is not acting because of your mother's idle threats, you will be sure to sue him for his inaction if anything happens to her.

If the GP calls you again because Mum fell and needs help, have him put that in writing and also ask why 911 was not called, so she could be assessed in hospital. Now I know the situation in Ontario hospitals is dire, but a 911 call does not always mean a hospital visit.

Talk to the lawyer who prepared the POA, double check that it is springing and not durable.

Now to the people who are getting involved. I had this with my former MIL. I shut them down very quickly and told them no more calls. I do not give a fig what they think of me.

Stop paying Mum's expenses from your funds. I am sure you started because at that moment you had no idea what else to do, but you must stop. Mum has assets and income, she is the only one responsible for her expenses. If she stops paying her bills, it might just get some of the attention you need on her situation.

If Mum will not let you pay her bills from her money, the bills will go unpaid. Not your problem. Tell her she will have to sell one of her properties if she is short on cash.

Omgosh your life is almost exactly like mine. My mom died last yr but it was a daily living hell trying to care for her. Now I take care of my Dad he has dementia and doesn't understand why or how or anything besides food, wants booze and cigarettes. I've got POA and I'm trying to clear up his bills, property I have to sell. My savings are all gone. My only child is dead and my only sibling is dead. Im divorced. I'm unable to have a relationship because it takes up my entire 24 hours. I cancel my Dr appointments. I skip meals just so I have enough food for my Dad to eat here. He has been in and out of nursing home and hospital. I have figured out that I'm only one person with 2 arms and 2 legs. I have home care nurses coming in to check on Dad's vitals. This last stint in the nursing home they brought him outside by wheelchair no shoes coat not zipped soaked diaper stinking of piss and s***. They lost his shoes and 6 pairs of pants 6 shirts. He's got pressure sores on his heels from laying in the bed. Awful. I can't let him go back there it's inhumane. I keep going everyday I take a walk with the dogs. Everyday I remember all the things my mother did to me as a child, as a teen and as an adult. The last thing she called me was a prostitute. I've been married 25 years now divorced. I tell myself I'm better than her. I'm smarter than her. And pretty soon Dad will die and that's it. All I will have is stuff, property, bills. But I can say that I am doing the best I can. And soon I will wake up and it will be very quiet. I hear her cruel words in my head every single day. I haven't forgotten. But God has me here for a reason and that's to do the job of taking care of my father. Call your mom's Dr and get the tests done. Or you can let it all implode. You can only do so much. Break into the house and get the pets out. Get social services involved. The more she isolates herself from the world the more paranoid she will get. If you want a friend I'm here for you

Are you the only relative to come over and help her? As for the bills need to let go of some of those properties talk to a lawyer or something.
I I do know what you mean I've been taking care of my dad for 4 years in the last year I've never been so miserable in my life I picked up a couple more clients to take care of that live two doors down from him but he's my number one priority his stubbornness and forgetfulness and falling down all the time has depressed me immensely I do all aspects of his life and he doesn't give any effort just enough gumption to get in his electric wheelchair and go down and get a drink downtown then he comes back usually falls getting into his bed can't walk can't do nothing. I get paid from the state thank goodness have no other relatives but yes the happiness drains out of you with everyday being consumed with them. My dad doesn't even know how to use remote control . He's gotten stupid and stupider hasn't been diagnosed with dementia but he had a benign tumor where he had brain surgery year and a half ago and I swear they took the brain with it. But he sure can remember all the stories from the past!
With covid I feel I never have anything to look forward to .tired of stupid masks & everything else.
So you're not alone I'm venting too and barely answered you and your problem. Never thought at 55 this would be my career it's not very rewarding watching someone diminish.

As long as you allow a narcissist to control you, you wont be happy. Time to look out for your mental health and get some counseling.

Here in Simcoe we have seniors support. Look it up and see if they have it in your town. They have helped me a great deal.

Just remember this: Jesus loves you. Jesus cares about you. Jesus is always there. There is not one thing you are going through that He has not experienced. He has been my anchor and still is dealing with a narcist mother and family in the past six years.
I am praying for you every morning precious sister.

Dear, "Then & Now": I've forgotten how to feel anything but anxiety; when I listen to music now it's as if the song just passed by & I didn't even hear it. Forgive the analysis because we don't know each other: but, it sounds as if your mother's controlling behavior is not unfamiliar to you; possibly she was in a milder form always this way with you. My mother didn't have dementia, but rather borderline personality disorder, the mantra of which is: "I hate you, don't leave me." That puts you in an un-win-able situation, so you'll have to distance yourself. I've learned with my mother, and my husband who has severe dementia: get those POAs in order (& even better yet, if your mother is lucid & willing- have your name put jointly on any and all sharable property; especially important is the POA for finances & I too couldn't get the 2nd signature, but eventually did when I documented my husband's inability to safely be responsible for his own medication: farm out any care you can such as hiring folks to deliver (hint: though our LO may love us, we need to distance ourselves in the ways they don't need us because they can be hurtful & we're like furniture to our impaired parent or spouse a lot of the time): I would shop around for new & separate doctors & possibly a geriatrician for your mother at this point and/or a neurologist who deals with memory/dementia: because of finances my hands are tied, so I know that we struggle not having enough money to unbind us from the daily struggle, but it does sound as if your mother has some funds, so if possible, stay free of any financial burden unless you've been given decision-making freedom on her behalf: regarding meds...protect them (the bubble packs are great) the best way possible, and as mentioned by another respondent, locks on cabinets are good but be prepared for break-ins (my husband is a regular Houdini): begin slowly removing responsibilities from your mother, as a lot of times our LOs are more confused than they'd like to be & in an understandable way, feel relieved when they don't have to keep up with technology, etc. (i.e., simpler phones, or no phone as in my husband's case as the dementia progresses). Overall, our LO can hurt us each day often in different & unexpected ways, yet we keep bearing the responsibility for their behavior (which isn't our responsibility). But rather as mature adults we have to keep them safe & that's the bottom line. When our LO's behavior is so out of control & we cry everyday, then their state of mind is harmful to us & dysfunctional; we can try to do damage control. But, when controlling, obsessive, dysfunctional & psychotic behavior (as in my husband's case) occurs multiple times a day or unceasingly-- to bypass the mess, guilt & harassment becomes pointless, and is an that unwinnable battle destructive only to us: the disease is then in control & our LO doesn't even know who we are, or care that we have value-- and that's nothing against them-- it's the disease. Because we know if they could, they'd love us and would care what is happening to us. You are a sensitive, conscientious & hurting woman; there's no crime in walking away from the small stuff. When you've done all you can, re-evaluate & if necessary, distance yourself more and more & hire other people to take over before you become ill permanently. Remember, sometimes our loved ones are trying to hold on to what is expected of them as well & when we allow them to have less responsibility they feel unburdened. You'd be surprised how your mother might adapt to feeling respected while having less control if she knows she's loved and cared for, and keep in mind --it doesn't have to be only you...others are compassionate & willing & can share in caring for her in many ways. You have health issues, which means you need to take care of you (remember the oxygen masks on the airplane: you have to breathe in the oxygen before you can help anyone else), so give yourself a break & delegate.

I suggest that you might walk away now and let the "system" take over. The way you are going you will collapse, and it will take over your mother's care with no one outside of it interested in your mother. My husband managed a brain damage unit, a man came in injured, and needing care. When his wife came, she told them she was divorcing him at the time of the accident due to a terrible relationship. She was not going to take care of him now. My husband respected her honesty and self-control. I'm sure she would prefer the silent disapproval of uncaring people than lifetime care for a man she wanted out of her life. You are not responsible for people because of kinship, with the usual but,, not always, exception of children. You are responsible for people with whom you share love and caring. My husband also noted that whatever people had been like before dementia, they became "more so" with it. By the way, I used to consult to nursing homes and manipulative, difficult people were a nightmare for them as well. It ain't necessarily your ineptness.

Walk away. You do not have to pay for her life. Just walk away, and find yourself a new family doctor.

Is a POA in Canada different than that of one in the states? I'm asking because I don't know. I have a POA for both of my parents and my elder care lawyer informed me it took effect the moment it was signed. Now, if you're talking about a medical POA, I believe that's different, you would need two doctors to sign off saying that she is not capable of taking care of herself, but a durable POA should give you rights to do many things as if you are your Mom.

I feel terribly for you. I agree with others about walking away. You deserve your life back. I wish you could somehow get the cats out of there. It is very sad to think they can starve slowly.

I am in the same situation. Same undermining my character. I started to record every conversation we have had. She is very aggressive and dismissive of me. Someday I get a good nice Mom. I have cried many a tear. I am retired military and I feel I am doing a 4 days on 4 days off 12 hr shift 7 at nite til 7 am....exhausted mentally and physically.
If there is any hope...there is a way.
I have no support. As you say if the "Doc" don't see it ... It don't exist. Put up spy cameras...ethically I despise this thought... however safety is paramount....there is your proof.

You know who you are, disregard any inappropriate comments others make. Keep reading these support comments they are saving me. 🙂 If the Dr says you are needed then clearly it is known she can’t take care of herself. Get his/signature and make sure it is known you will accept nothing less. Get outside exercise and get with friends.. let mom get the help she needs and that may be a painful process but it seems you need it. Don’t mix her money and yours.. you are not responsible for her depts. .. hang in there.. take back what you can of your life and do it fast..

I have many Canuck friends and they are basically so honest it hurts-- now-- best advice-- stop being a good girl-- and fight fire with fire-- invite a good and decent doctor over for dinner-- only tell her he is a preacher friend. Have him administer a test of some sorts--. Do the same with the second doc--- and then assume you POA-ship. YOU CAN DO THIS. IF need be get her new meds in powder form so you can put them in pudding. She needs to be on Aricept or something... that will help slow down the dementia bulldozer-- and eventually she needs to be in an assisted living facility and she above all does not need to drive--- the docs need to take away her driver's license. NOW trust me-- when I tell you the drama will subside as soon as she is settled in-- which may take some time-- a good white lie is, I am sorry you house burnt down.
SO best advice-- fight back-- don't be a wimpy daughter ! Get the cops on your side. People with dementia usually DO start fires-- it is common place. Fight with LOVE backing up all your efforts-- and do NOT tell her a darn thing. People with dementia basically cease being a parent and become your child--- so it is your duty to do the right things regardless of the demented person's wishes ! NOW GO GET the evil stuff trying to destroy you and destroy it.

Imho, there are several items to deal with, e.g. you AREN'T and NEVER were responsible to use your financials to pay for your mother' bills, get a new physician for your mother and report her for animal neglect.

Doesn't seem like you have any one to assist and until you find alternative care resources, this will burn and stress you out and not sure why you would borrow to pay her bills? That almost sounds a little enabling. Let the chips fall where they may. Don't spend your money, get your life back while you still have it and don't feel guilty! Dementia related diseases will suck the life out of you and don't let anyone use guilt to guide your decision. And please don't let what people think of you become a burden. If you doing what you can, forget what others say! They're not knocking down your door to help!