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As others have said, everyone reacts differently. Maybe I'm "weird" but I just accept rather matter-of-factly that "old people eventually die" and move on with life without any great emotional response. My father criticized me when his 86 y/o mother died but I went to a band practice that my friends and I had scheduled that evening. (Years later we talked about this, and my father said he was upset and simply assumed I would have been too--however, my grandmother, who lived in another state, was a nice person but only spoke very broken English and communication was very difficult.) I have found I reacted much the same way even with other people, including my father, have died. I've told people that if I die the day they have a big party planned, by all means they should go to it and have a good time.
I recall mentioning this to someone (who was either some kind of counselor, religious leader, or otherwise someone thought of as being "wise"), and the response was that the world needs people who are able to take care of the logistics, etc. while others are overwhelmed by grief.
You don't mention how old you are. That may have something to do with it. When you are young, the process of dying seems far away. As you get older, the line gets shorter until you are at the head of it. Then it seems like there is way too little time left. When you watch a loved one suffer and die, you feel helpless and then you wonder what it will be like for you, as there is no escaping death.
Don't beat yourself up. You probably shed lots of tears as their lives dwindled away, and as you were losing the very capable person who cared for you. There may well have been no tears left to shed when they finally left this world. Be kind to yourself.
I didnt grieve for either one of my parents, my Dad who I was very close to was in a Nursing Home and was very ill, it truly was a blessing when he passed! Grieving just didnt feel right because it was a relief! I reminisced about his life and celebrated the Love he had for his wife and his family! My Mother had Alzheimers and I lost her long before her body passed, so it was hard to grieve the loss of someone who didnt even know me in the end! I took care of my parents for 10 years before they had to leave their home! I felt such saddness when that happened! Sometimes the memories bring a tear but they both had a good life together for almost 60 years!
I was the same when my father died...while my mother and sister were vocally grieving, I was quiet, and solemn. I preferred to know that he was in a better place and out of pain, and I was grateful for all the wonderful memories he gave me....I rather focused on the good times and good memories rather than grief.
Oh sweetheart you have been grieving her anticipatory passing for all the years you cared for her. I I understand this type of grief because i also lived that process with my mom who had alzheimer's. You watched her go through her transition to heaven and it's okay if you cant grieve the way you thought you would. I am sure there is a sense of relief and a new normal for you now. The darkness and heaviness has lifted now. It's okay to focus on yourself and what joy and fun you want to create for your life now. You gave enough of yourself and now you can give to your own life. Give yourself time to go through the steps of grief. Find your new purpose. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Having watched a parent wait to die for so long - it’s hardly surprising your reaction isn’t the same as it was for the loss of your father. In a way you lost her a long time ago.
Theres no right or wrong in the loss process - some folk almost skip through certain sections. My parents were both, at the time they each died, in so much pain and had such a hellish “quality of life” as the pet phraseology goes - that I felt relief on their behalf that they were no longer suffering.
Theres a lot to do after the death of a parent so in a way being numb at the moment may actually be useful.
I can but suggest that you be kind to yourself at present, enjoy a sunset or a long walk. Do things that you’d like to and get friends from church to help with any aspects you find harder. You’re doing just great considering you lost her twice in a way.
My mom passed on 12/15/19. I looked after her for 6 years and provided the best care that I could including the angels of Hospice who were there when she passed. She wanted to die and had wanted to for 20 yrs. Unfortunately she was not into the grandkids, not into my life as I thought a mother should, and was narcissistic to no end.
I was out of town when she passed. I had pre-arranged all the arrangements so that she'd be well cared for and taken care of when she passed.
Do I feel sad? No. Why? Because she received what she wanted, to die in peace. Do I miss her? No. Why? Because she was not involved in my life or interested in my kids or anything but the news or whether Trump would be impeached or not. Will I miss her? I'm not sure. My Dad passed 6 years ago, and I don't miss him. Is that wrong? I don't know. Did I look up and talked to him and ask him what I should do when Mom had one of her rages at the ER? Yep. Did it help? I don't know.
Everyone is different and in different situations and everyone says that. I guess I feel weird in that I should feel bad and grieve as society tells you that's what needs to happen, but I don't. And then some will say that that is ok too.
In short, you will feel what you will. No one should tell you how to feel, how long it will take, or whether you'll feel anything at all. It's up to you as it's up to me right now.
I love your honesty. Hugs! Did you see the Elton John interview about his mom? Very similar to you. She never met his two children. She was selfish and everything was about her.
Monica25 I am really sorry for your Loss. Do not worry about the grieving as this will come in its own time. We all cope differently. After caring for your Mother for fifteen years and to now find Her gone can put your entire system into shock as this is a very big change for you now and you need to take it slow and take plenty rest, long hot baths and if the door bell rings and you are not feeling up to it ignore the darn thing. If you are a Lady of Prayer and Church what ever denomination this will be of great help to You. I respect all Religions, and when I lost my Dear Mother 3 1/2 years ago it was Prayer and morning Mass, as well as joining the Legion of Mary in Our Parish that got me through to void and the emptiness and that dreadful loss. Suddenly I was back out there engaging with really good kind decent People again, and soon afterwards I returned back to work after being away for four years while I had been caring for Mom. I took things slow Monica and you will get there too, but take Baby steps, a little more each day. Do not be afraid to cry in Public or privately. I must have filled several barrels with tears. God Bless and be kind to Yourself and rest assured You will get through this.
Thank you. I believe I have used the busyness to avoid processing. When my father passed away in 1980, I was devastated and I think I am worried I won’t feel the same about my mother. And I’m also worried it will hit me like a ton of bricks when I least expect it. I am fortunate to have a wonderful church family and great therapist - just haven’t found a way to talk to anyone about this. Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you. I am fortunate to have a wonderful church family and a great therapist. Am just having trouble figuring out how to explain that I really don’t feel anything. When my father died, I was devastated - but I was young 18 and I adored him. And, if I was honest, I would have to say that I liked him more. Appreciate your kindness .... think I’ve kept myself so busy so I won’t feel guilty and to keep the ‘I should have’ at bay. Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you. Am lucky to have both a wonderful church family and a great therapist. Just having a hard time explaining that I feel nothing around her death (she was 90 and ready to go). Have been really busy between her death and the holidays and am worried it will hit me like a ton of bricks when I least expect it.
I gave myself time, then realized that it wasn't enough, so I backed off on everything that had to be done except the basics. Part of the grief arose from dealing with post-death issues; for several months it was hard just going to my father's house to begin asset disposition. With contractors, it wasn't as bad b/c then it was a project and we worked together. But alone...that was just too much.
I think there are also a lot of "what ifs" and "should I have?" in terms of how we handle the last months and years of our involvement in someone's life. I set higher standards for myself after my father's death, so there was a need to balance when was done vs. what could have done, and stop the self recrimination.
Don't set time limits, don't set tasks other than absolutely mandatory ones, and create plenty of time to review, remember, and then remember in positive terms by segueing back over the years to better times.
Now I try to remember all the things I learned from him, as well as from my mother and sister, and how my life has been enriched through them. Then I think how I want to apply those benefits to the rest of my life and share them with others.
Thank you. Realized while reading this that due to time of year, I’ve been pushing hard to get everything done ... funeral, estate, Christmas. In other words, I’ve kept myself super busy and not allowed myself time to just be. Appreciate your response.
Eat, rest, take long baths, repeat. Your grief timeline will be unique and right for you. Just give yourself care- or if you know someone, pay for someone to care for you for a bit. Someone can clean once or twice a week, cook meals for you, etc. This will give you time to be numb a bit. Write your thoughts, when you can. Nice way to check in on you, for you. Let us know how you're doing.
Thank you. Hadn’t really thought of having someone deal with the daily chores. Will definitely see about having someone clean - both my house and my mother’s.
Thank you. Just seems odd to me. When my father passed away in 1980, I was devastated. I guess I believe I should feel the same way about mom. Appreciate your kindness.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is truly a difficult process, I know. God brought me through the grief of my Dad. I couldn't have gotten through it without HIM. I hope and pray you look to HIM for your comfort. 🤗🙏
My father was not a nice man to me as I was growing up. I have three siblings born after me, but I got the brunt of the abuse. I took care of him though to his very last breath. I have received help for the abuse and PTSD caused by it and and have dealt with it. It was strange that I just stepped in(because the siblings didn't). I made sure he was getting taken care of at the facility he was in. After he passed, I didn't sob loudly like my siblings did. I cried a little. I am not being cruel when I say I don't miss him. He added no value to my life, was never supportive, but I did the next right thing taking care of him. I kept waiting to grieve and cry like everyone else did, but it never happened. This has been since 2014. What is it that you feel empty inside? that she is gone? or that you don't have that responsibility that fulfilled you? That may be how your relationship was with her. Just that. and it's a relationship, nonetheless. The emptiness may be that you need time to see what the next chapter in your life will be. It can't happen overnight. Just do what you need to do and get things in order and I bet your emptiness will be filled with other people, places, and things. Give it time. It's only been two weeks. Take time for yourself.
Thank you. I have one sister, but she is not local so most of care fell to me. Was easier anyway, as my mother and sister never really got along. I am sorry you had to deal with so much from your father. It says a lot about you, that you stepped in to make sure he was well cared for.
You need to give yourself time. Grief is not the same for everyone and it takes time to process. Especially this time of year when there are so many distractions.
Please talk to your religious leader, Hospice organization or a therapist about grief counseling. You may mind it hits you like a ton of bricks, or perhaps sneaks up on you when you least expect it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I recall mentioning this to someone (who was either some kind of counselor, religious leader, or otherwise someone thought of as being "wise"), and the response was that the world needs people who are able to take care of the logistics, etc. while others are overwhelmed by grief.
Does anyone else [not] react this way?
Theres no right or wrong in the loss process - some folk almost skip through certain sections. My parents were both, at the time they each died, in so much pain and had such a hellish “quality of life” as the pet phraseology goes - that I felt relief on their behalf that they were no longer suffering.
Theres a lot to do after the death of a parent so in a way being numb at the moment may actually be useful.
I can but suggest that you be kind to yourself at present, enjoy a sunset or a long walk. Do things that you’d like to and get friends from church to help with any aspects you find harder. You’re doing just great considering you lost her twice in a way.
God bless
I appreciate your honesty and your concerns about being numb to it all. I would assume that you are in the midst of processing everything.
Grief can be tricky. It comes in waves. Some waves are gentle and some knock us down.
Please let us know how you are doing. Hugs.
I was out of town when she passed. I had pre-arranged all the arrangements so that she'd be well cared for and taken care of when she passed.
Do I feel sad? No. Why? Because she received what she wanted, to die in peace. Do I miss her? No. Why? Because she was not involved in my life or interested in my kids or anything but the news or whether Trump would be impeached or not.
Will I miss her? I'm not sure. My Dad passed 6 years ago, and I don't miss him. Is that wrong? I don't know. Did I look up and talked to him and ask him what I should do when Mom had one of her rages at the ER? Yep. Did it help? I don't know.
Everyone is different and in different situations and everyone says that. I guess I feel weird in that I should feel bad and grieve as society tells you that's what needs to happen, but I don't. And then some will say that that is ok too.
In short, you will feel what you will. No one should tell you how to feel, how long it will take, or whether you'll feel anything at all. It's up to you as it's up to me right now.
this will come in its own time. We all cope differently. After caring for your Mother for fifteen years and to now find Her gone can put your entire system into shock as this is a very big change for you now and you need to take it slow and take plenty rest, long hot baths and if the door bell rings and you are not feeling up to it ignore the darn thing. If you are a Lady of Prayer and Church what ever denomination this will be of great help to You. I respect all
Religions, and when I lost my Dear Mother 3 1/2 years ago it was Prayer and morning Mass, as well as joining the Legion of Mary in Our Parish that got me through to void and the emptiness and that dreadful loss. Suddenly I was back out there engaging with really good kind decent People again, and soon afterwards I returned back to work after being away for four years while I had been caring for Mom. I took things slow Monica and you will get there too, but take Baby steps, a little more each day. Do not be afraid to cry in Public or privately. I must have filled several barrels with tears. God Bless and be kind
to Yourself and rest assured You will get through this.
I am fortunate to have a wonderful church family and great therapist - just haven’t found a way to talk to anyone about this.
Thank you for your kindness.
And, if I was honest, I would have to say that I liked him more.
Appreciate your kindness .... think I’ve kept myself so busy so I won’t feel guilty and to keep the ‘I should have’ at bay. Thank you for your kindness.
I think there are also a lot of "what ifs" and "should I have?" in terms of how we handle the last months and years of our involvement in someone's life. I set higher standards for myself after my father's death, so there was a need to balance when was done vs. what could have done, and stop the self recrimination.
Don't set time limits, don't set tasks other than absolutely mandatory ones, and create plenty of time to review, remember, and then remember in positive terms by segueing back over the years to better times.
Now I try to remember all the things I learned from him, as well as from my mother and sister, and how my life has been enriched through them. Then I think how I want to apply those benefits to the rest of my life and share them with others.
"Help for those who grieve"
https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&issue=2018-11&pub=g18&srcid=share
and "When Someone you love dies"
https://www.jw.org/finder?wtlocale=E&docid=1101994000&srcid=share
Many churches offer grief consoling you may want to check into this.
Part of it might be...now...what do I do with my life? This may turn out to be a pivotal moment in your life.
I wish you the best, be gentle with yourself!
Write your thoughts, when you can. Nice way to check in on you, for you.
Let us know how you're doing.
You may be in a bit of shock and denial that she's not with you. There are many steps in grieving. Let yourself grieve at your own pace.
My prayers for you and mother. Take care.
It is truly a difficult process, I know.
God brought me through the grief of my Dad. I couldn't have gotten through it without HIM.
I hope and pray you look to HIM for your comfort.
🤗🙏
What is it that you feel empty inside? that she is gone? or that you don't have that responsibility that fulfilled you? That may be how your relationship was with her. Just that. and it's a relationship, nonetheless. The emptiness may be that you need time to see what the next chapter in your life will be. It can't happen overnight. Just do what you need to do and get things in order and I bet your emptiness will be filled with other people, places, and things. Give it time. It's only been two weeks. Take time for yourself.
I am sorry you had to deal with so much from your father. It says a lot about you, that you stepped in to make sure he was well cared for.
Please talk to your religious leader, Hospice organization or a therapist about grief counseling. You may mind it hits you like a ton of bricks, or perhaps sneaks up on you when you least expect it.