This is a tough one! I would not have my mom living with me. I would have insisted that she not waste her money by helping useless brothers who never did a good job managing money. That money would have paid for assisted living.
I would not do it again. I do love mom but this damaged our relationship. It puts a huge strain on a parent/child relationship. It’s too much pressure on the caregiver. It’s too hard for the parent to allow the child to have the upper hand. From what I have seen many times over, parents don’t want children telling them what to do, even if it is for their benefit.
If you are willing to sacrifice your life for your mom..which will devastate you then be the caregiver. The longer they live, the more intense and stressful the care. I even injured myself providing back breaking dead weight care. Hospice provides very little assistance--the home techs only stay about a half hour a few times a week.
It still frustrates me that people I speak to who are caregiving in the community or with a parent in a facility all have the same issues and often with the same people, but there is nowhere to get together to talk about it and share information on coping strategies. I tried the Alzheimer's society support group - no words for how unhelpful that was🙄. I was initially hopeful that the family council at the nursing home would be that place but the mandated structure (a rep from the facility was present) meant it was more of a kumbaya gathering.
It truly is trial and error. I don’t think anyone could ever be prepared for what we have been through with our loved ones. I know that I wasn’t.
I have tried to do my best. I hate second guessing things. It’s difficult at times. Does it ever get easier?
I consider myself fortunate that I have found ways for me to get support outside of family, I have joined a couple of support groups, along with this wonderful forum, that help me to cope with a couple of issues my Mother is dealing with. Yes, sometimes I am frustrated by her behavior, burned out and emotionally drained, but when I look back I know she felt the same way about me, but she persevered. This is my way of giving back to her for all of her efforts throughout my life...I needed her growing up and now she needs me as she ages.
After dad passed I was preparing to head back to my home state but had some major set backs due to my mother (Long story, money was involved, which is always the situation.) and by time I was able to get my act together mother needed help and her first go at a nursing home didn't go well, she completely lost it, so I stepped in again.
So my answer is simply I'm 50/50
Dad was worth the trouble
Mom, as much as I love my mom has been harder then I could imagine and she doesn't want to make it easy, she's put us in financial situations that has left us flat broke and I've been forced to take control over everything but she keeps trying to fight me at this point, I wish I had left when I had the chance, now I'm stuck and dealing with it, some days are better then others of course but, Yeah', most of you have probably already heard all the nightmare stories some may have lived them, I'm living in one now, just trying to keep my sanity.
Same here. I loved my dad but I certainly had differences with my dad. Didn’t realize until I got older that I didn’t understand him.
He did understand me, I just didn’t know it. I was a typical young person who thought they knew it all, haha. Wish I could take back some of the things I said to him. He was the most loving man I ever knew and always forgave me.
My dad and I became very close. He was a humble man. Used to be stubborn but I swear he became so loving and humble. So easy to please. He was a joy.
Mom is another story. For some reason I think our relationship became a competition of sorts. Does that make sense? Two women who need to stand their ground so to speak. Gets a little awkward. I’m trying my best. I know I am not always right, just like mom is not always right. A lot of compromises have to be made. Working on it.
Best of luck to you. Hugs!
r.o.
r.o.
It is a challenge, in my case there are benefits as well, and I would have felt immense guilt if I had not taken on this role. I've seen what happens when loved ones are placed in a nursing home, and although it gives one a bit more freedom and peace, if one cares, you still have concern and responsibilities and obligations to go check on them and hear the complaints.
I pray that we don't get to a point where mom with dementia needs that level of care...but in the meantime have also become more open to looking for some in home assistance. It's taken a long while for me to accept the circumstances that my out of state sibling was not going to be of any hands-on or other assistance.
From all the advice I have read here, you should never move them into your home unless there is no other choice. This is for your own peace of mind. Don't allow your guilt to ruin your life and your own family's life or grind you down to nothing. You have to realize your own physical and mental limitations! Don't make yourself sick over trying to care for them!
In the USA, Medicaid will pay for nursing home care if necessary, also if dad is a veteran, especially from WWII, the VA will pay for his care. There is help for nursing home costs.
MOST doctors are very sympathetic to the needs of the family.
Nevertheless, all situations are different and certainly when there is dementia involved, it is exceedingly difficult. So we each have to honestly assess what is best for all concerned- care giver and care receiver. It will depend on numerous factors and the answer will be different for each circumstance. The most important thing, of course, is that the dependent elder receives the care that he/she needs. This can be accomplished through many means including care by family, in home care, assisted living, adult day care, or long term care facility. There are no right or wrong answers. Every person and situation is unique but whatever the decision, I concur with all the above who advise getting all legal affairs in order, including a will, power of attorney and health care proxy while a parent is still competent. It makes any transition infinitely easier if a parent becomes unable to handle these affairs for his/herself.
I need to get financial issues in place. I really do.
Long answer, maybe, for maximum of six months. In a health crisis only.
Six months is the length of time I moved both parents at different times in my house. Six months was the original plan anyway. Both times, it dragged into years. I live alone and do care giving solo, so time limits are a definite boundary.